The Napkin Diaries

So, we've talked about Erin a lot on this blog.  Rightfully so, the girl is basically my other half and as of recently, we've deemed her a Sister Wife (along with Cortni, of course.)

(Husband is a lucky man.)

So. Erin teaches kids.  Little crazy monster kids.  I have this vision that they stand on the furniture and grunt and throw things and Erin has to scream at them and blow a whistle and beat on a cowbell while stomping her feet to get their asses to even listen to her.  Sounds like a nightmare really.  I have no idea how she does it.  And especially how she does it without being a raging alcoholic.

Well, apparently some of her monster kids have some MORON parents.  You know, the ones that name their kids "Shithead" *(It's pronounced Sha-theed. Duh.) 

Or La-A (The DASH don't be silent!)

Or. This is for real.  I'm not making this up... Erin was having some parent/teacher and I guess the parent was trying to spell out her kid's name that looked something like this:  La'Shani'qua

And do you know how she actually spelled the kids name? Out loud? To Erin?!

"L...A... Comma to the top..."

Yes people, COMMA TO THE TOP.  No apostrophe here. Oh no.  Comma.to.the.top. Hand gesture included.

Jesus Christ.

(Oh, and a fun side note: Erin also informed me that The Napkins Diaries is actually banned in all Greenville County Schools.  Probably because I do things like use the word "fuck," and talk about strippers too much, and have disgusting sex dreams, and I make fun of the way they spell their names... Imma consider that a personal win.)

Okay today started off super shitty -- I had to go to the car dealership for the second time now because not even 48 hours after the last time it was in there, the check engine light came back on... which means I paid them $172 to do nothing. awesome. I also let them know how awesome I thought they were... whatever... so I get to to the office and immediately notice that there is this massive ass package on my desk. and its really heavy. I was like "whatever" and didn't even bother to open it because I figured it had nothing to do with me anyway. Well, about 30 minutes went by, and I was just like, "oh fuck it" so i got a pen and tore the tape off. the inside was packaged really weird -- it had like 12 circular/tube styrofoam pieces in it. I was like "wtf." so then i manage to wiggle one apart... low and behold...
there are 12 bottles of WINE in this glorious box! whaaat?! I immediately considered not telling the rest of my co-workers and taking the entire box home with me. Instead I told them that they have presents here and they have to come pick them up if they want them... I'll give them a week. then those bitches are mine! all mine! muhahaha!

this weekend, dave and i went home to simpsonville. our main goal was to show dave downtown greenville so he could get a feel for the church and the hotel where we will be having the wedding/reception. it was also "fall for greenville" or ffg this weekend; which is basically this food festival in the streets of downtown where a bunch of fatties waddle around and stuff their faces. in order to partake in the obesity, you have to buy tickets that will then allow you to buy food and drinks. so gay. so you have to get in line to buy 8 tickets for $5. then you get in another line to buy a wristband for a dollar. then you get in more lines so you can use your tickets to "buy" things. whatever. so we bought like $15 worth of tickets saturday night so we could drink. we met corey and erin downtown to hang out with them -- they bought a wad of tickets too. well, no one told us that ffg was going to quit serving beer at 9:30. who does that? so we were pissed. i bought a huge vanilla jack in the box milkshake on the way home to make up for the calories i missed out on from the beer. gah.
so our genius idea was to just go back on sunday. which is exactly what we did. dave and i slept with our wristbands on in hopes of saving 2 bucks, but the bastards changed colors the next day. erin and corey met us again so they could use up the rest of their tickets too. sweet. so we ended up getting wasted in the middle of the afternoon in the middle of downtown on a freaking sunday. we, too, waddled around with our beers just like the rest of the fatties. but we waddled out of drunkness, not out of fattness. gah, seriously, you'd feel so good about yourself if you saw the people that come out of their homes for food festivals. like, holy crap, i looked like miss america compared to some. okay, that's mean, but i mean, seriously, here's some of the shit we saw:
fat girl in duck slippers
fat girl in hippie pajama pants
fat old lady with high side ponytai
fat black man with blinky sunglasses that induce seizures
fat girl(s) with those stupid cropped jean jackets
7 foot tall fat black man
and a lot of exposed skin that really shouldn't have been exposed
there was also an abundance of emo kids walking around. seriously, i just want to feed them a cheeseburger, brush the back of their hair and give them a hug. dave on the other hand, would rather just kick their asses. so, some scrawny emo dude comes sulking by us and dave's like "gahhhh, i'm so eeeeemmmmoooo" in this bitchy, whiny voice. the guy turns around, all 86 pounds of him, and just stares at dave. dave was like "awww, don't get so bent out of shape, you can go cry about it later, don't worry." i had to laugh. so do you. emo is funny. i don't care who you are, even if you're emo, you know you're laughable.
so, we continued to use our beer tickets. dave was so smart that he even divided them into clusters of 4 because that was what a beer cost: 4 tickets. not $2.50, but 4 tickets. at some point, we only had like 3 tickets and dave really wanted to go ask if he could have 3/4 of a cup.
then we had this genius idea to just go to wild wings and drink beer there. it was cheaper, and there was cheaper food... and more of it. so we went there and drank our asses off some more. erin ended up with this fruity yellow pitcher of goodness that she downed herself. i was proud. so then we finally used up our last tickets, but not until after we went to see if we could ride the swings. unfortunately... well, actually, maybe it was fortunate, that the swings were only for little fatty kiddies. no adults, emo kids or obese moms allowed. so then we thought about stealing the big ass jager banner that was hanging up near the kiddie swings. we had no good way of removing it or hiding it once we would have stolen it, so we had to leave it. damn.
then we drank or last round of beers while sitting on a curb making fun of all the people that we made fun of for the past two days. getting drunk on sundays is cool.

so i almost busted my ass in the kitchen on a huge puddle of water. wtf? yeah. i actually said that. apparently our awesome washing machine has decided to throw up all over the kitchen. maybe my kitchen is just preparing itself for the frickin hurricane that is coming to charleston. it's like night of the water war all over again, except this time there are no humans with pots of water running around, just the aftermath that was left on the floor is here (which is a lot less fun than pots of water to throw, by the way). the citadel already cancelled classes for thursday because of it. and dave and i just realized that our apartment complex is in one the mother effing flood zone areas.
but back to the washing machine issue...i'm here by myself all day. with tucker. which means all i have to deal with today is a flooded kitchen and gigantic bugs that tucker brings inside. i mean, all i wanted to do was be a sweet, domestic little house wife, apparently though, that is too much to ask.
and that was going to be my life's backup plan. shit.

oh yeah, and my cure for the flooded kitchen comes in the form of a giant pink towel... to soak up the water... which i fully intend to leave in that exact spot until dave gets home to fix it.

i feel like i've grown up a lot in the past year or two, and for a few good reason. i graduated college, began grad school, got serious with dave and moved in with him, and just stopped acting like i was still 21. i feel like most of my friends have grown up the way i have, also. it's hard to explain, but it seems that the love and respect we have for each other has grown too - especially the respect.
i guess i'm just at a point where i realize that some people aren't going to change. they will continue to use me and walk all over me and just expect me to be there whenever needed. and that smells like bullshit, if you ask me. i think i am a really genuine person and a very good friend. hell, i know i am. and it's not fair to feel like some people abuse that. yeah it's true that i don't hold grudges and i will always give second, third... ninth chances, but that doesn't mean that you should allow yourself to let me give you that ninth chance, you know? i'm sick of it.
it's sad because i know i've grown apart from people that i used to be really close with. or at least i feel differently about them, mostly for the reasons i listed above just about feeling walked all over. and another thing that totally pisses me off is to hear that someone is "only friends with dave for nicole's sake." really? what the fuck? you know, if you don't like him, or can't even try to like him and you are supposed to be one of my closest friends, then fuck you. i'm going to marry this man and if all you have to say is negative things about him, then either don't be friends with us anymore, or get over it. because i'm not just nicole anymore, i come with dave now. we're a couple and we are always going to be. do not insult either of us.
i realize this is one of the angriest blogs i've written, but i feel too strongly to not write about it. it's shitty to know that i always gave someone the benefit of the doubt, even when other people would speak poorly, and in return, i get belittled. i end up feeling like shit by someone whom i've stuck up for time and time again. and what do i get out of it? looking at it, it seems like things just changed, i guess. or maybe i just see things for what they really are finally... i'm sad and hurt and angry. i was a good friend.

because i am such a good girlfriend, i went with dave to lexington, north carolina this past weekend so he could take an emt refresher course. i was there for moral support and entertainment. he booked a room at the comfort suites for like $93 a night. this would lead most people to believe you will be staying in a decent hotel. well, sike. this place was grunge city. we got there around midnight thursday night and we parked the car. of course we just happened to pick the parking spot right in front of the room with the half naked obese man standing in the doorway watching us while scratching his fat hairy belly. eww. wtf. dave's like "um, go to the room and i'll come back later." so we went up the stairs. luckily our "suite" was on an inside hallway. we have issues with doors that open straight to the outside. we're prissy, whatever.
so we get on our hallway, and it smells like indian people and clorox. we get to our room, open the door, and again are completely smacked in the face with that inviting scent. and it felt musky. grooooss. i seriously avoided touching the floor at all costs. i refused to sit on the comforter and would only sit on the sheets if i had to. the little table was dingy and there was no way in hell i was sitting my pretty ass on the couch. and i really do think they had a video camera above the shower in the bathroom. i was completed creeped out. then i got to sit there all day by myself friday while dave was in class. ugh. i had planned to go work out at the gym or lay by the pool, but you know, based on who we were greeted by thursday night...i chose life. i only got up to look out the peephole twice. you know, just to make sure or whatever.
i refused to sit in the room on saturday and since check out time was 11 and dave wouldn't be done until later than that, there was no way i was going to just hang out in the lobby or something by myself. no effing way. so i came to emt class and played tetris on dave's phone for about 5 hours. we got there at 8:30 and we had to sit there until 1:00 so everyone could do their little hands on tests. omg, people are dumb, by the way. i mean, the accents that these bitches had was unreal. hick as shit. and so annoying. kinda makes me worry that it will be these people who pick my ass up in the ambulance the day i crack my skull or something. not real comforting. kinda like the hotel... not comforting at all.
so dave got an a because he's smart and we finally got to leave skeezeville. yuck. so my advice to you is this: do not go to lexington, nc. all you will find is sketchy hotels, a duracell battery factory and a restaurant called biscuitville.

i went to the dentist today. it was miserable. it's actually still miserable. i had to get about 8 shots in my mouth so they could numb me so that they could replace my old ugly silver fillings, give me new ones, seal some of my groovy (not groovy as is austin powers, groovy as in too many grooves) teeth and even fill a cavity (which i was extremely embarrassed about). i went in at 11, got done at 1. it is now 4 and i am still numb. i tried to drink some milk and drooled on my arm. i also have tried to talk to dave a few times and certain words, such as "teeth" come out sounding like "teetsch" i've developed a temporary lisp so it seems... serves me right, since i always make fun of lispschs. whatever, this shit hurts. someone really needs to bring me a milkshake. even though i probably cant eat it because my mouth wouldnt know what to do with a straw because it cant feel itself... so bring me a spoon too. gah.

can you hear me now? okay so i changed my phone number last week for two reasons, (a) i moved to charleston and wanted a local number, (b) i don't want sleezy ex-boyfriends or weirdos to have my number anymore. legitimate enough. so the phone works for a week. sweet. on monday i tried to call dave while driving back to simpsonville and instead of your typical "ring ring" i hear, "thank you for using america's roaming network. you will be charged $2.99 per call and $1.99 once the call has connected." well, i mean, fuck that.
so once i got home, i called verizon (from the house phone, not from the million dollar per phone call phone). good thing i used the house phone because i was on it for about 40 minutes with 2 different people. neither of them knew how to fix my phone. and they had me in places of my phone that i didn't even know existed.

so finally the dude i was talking to gave up and told me to just take it into a store. i did just that the very next day... and i got to hang out in the cell phone store for an hour. awesome. so the manager dude is looking at my phone and i say "so i guess this isn't really something you guys see often, huh" manager man is like "no, maybe a few times, but it's pretty rare." other cell phone man next to him responds with "man, i've never seen this!" manager man was like "yeah actually i haven't either. i just didn't want to make you feel bad." well, shit.
so they pass my phone over to the tech guy and i sit down and feel like i am in a waiting room waiting to hear the news of my cell phone's surgery. well, it was fatal. they finally gave up, deemed my cell phone corrupt, bad and defective and gave me a new one. sweet, a shiny new phone without scratches or a crooked antenna. yesss. bad news was that i had to program all my numbers back in manually. lucky for me though, i recently deleted like 83 numbers so i only have like 30 left in there anyway.
so the verizon guys said that they should give me some kind of ribbon proclaiming that "yay, i own the first cell phone to officially stump the entire verizon staff." whatever, at least i got a sweet new phone out of it. maybe i should change my number more often...

okay, so there is this girl that i've had a couple of classes with throughout the past year. nice girl. smart. but has this one really serious issue that might lead to me developing serious issues. she enunciates like there is no tomorrow. you know how some people mumble and act like they have 17 marbles in their mouths when attempting conversation? well this chick apparently is trying to make up for marble mouth by completely overcomensating. she's like "to.day. i. will. tell. you. a.bout. ser.i.ous. al.co.hol. a.buse. pro.gram.s." holy shit. like really, it's hard to not burst into laughter... or tears, for that matter when listening to her present something. but then, on random occassions, she'll revert back to marble mouth, and i cannot for the life of me understand what the hell has caused this girl to have such difficulties with speech!
so to, um, make matters more in.ter.est.ing. she's in my group. shit. stupid group work. i mean, everyone knows she likes to take.her.moth.er.f.bomb.time.whi.le.speak.in.g. so i don't think i will be judged for having her in my group. and anyway, we're counselors, we aren't allowed to judge. so yeah, luckily i only have 8 classes left. well actually, crap, she's in both classes, so i will see her 16 more times in my life. damn.it.

okay, do you know how annoyed i am with frickin truckers? holy.frickin.crap. so, as you may know, i'm driving a ton this summer. and i mean, all i want to do is get from destination A to B. real simple, right? well, it would be awesome if nasty old trucker men would stop honking at me. GAH. so gay. seriously, i got beeped at 3 times on the way to charleston and 2 times on the way back. ooooh, big deal, girl driving sports car. get over it. get a life. get out of mine. why are some men so dumb? and please tell me how many times any man has gotten any woman by doing any of the following: honking, shouting, whistling, gawking, grabbing, harassing, or dropping raunchy pickup lines? come.on.
and while we're talking about it. well, actually we aren't. but why the hell can people not drive? i mean, if i see a car coming up behind me doing 83 mph, i move over. difficult, i know. instead, when i prefer to do 83 mph, trucks and other stupid vehicles such as the mini van and ugly scion box things prefer to get in my way. i mean ludacris made a song about this people. it's called "move, bitch, get out th' way." jesus. stupid truckers. stupid drivers. damnit, i need a drink.

saturday night, dave and i decided to introduce candle and opie to the purple tree ultra lounge. for those of you who don't know or have never experienced the purple tree, it's pretty much the coolest bar in charleston. you can sit in a booth and stare at all the idiots on the dance floor, go be an idiot on the dance floor, or be a combination of the two.
people tend to get exceptionally wasted in this bar for some reason. perhaps because they have bartenders such as the one we had who only charged us $18 for 3 liquor drinks, 2 jager bombs, 4 sex on the beach shots, 3 shots of some liquor i like to call death, 2 beers and some other date rape type shot. thank you drunk bartender.
well, apparently drunk bartender gave drunk customer too many drunk drinks because the a-holes in the booth next to us let their stupid drunk friend puke pretty much all over the place. i mean this girl was a trashcan. so we tell a bouncer because really, who wants to smell that? so yeah, dave rounds up a bouncer and the girls at the booth get all pissy. so dave sits back down with us and flicks them off for a good 4 minutes. all the while, i am just laughing and encouraging him. candle however, took a smarter approach to the situation... and entered into fight-mode. she's all like, "shit, we might be fightin' in a minute" so in one swift motion, candle pulls her hair back, takes out her earrings and bucks up. i follow her lead, although not nearly as gracefully, and yank out my earrings and fumble around for a hair tie. of course i forgot one and immediately panic. candle had back-up though. apparently, she comes prepared for girl fights... just incase.
the bitches and hoes eventully left the bar. dave removed his middle finger from the air once they were gone and candle and i put our earrings back in once the coast was clear. ha. we almost got into a girl bar fight. oh and dave and i accidentally got smashed. ha. i love charleston and all its ridiculousness.

obviously, all of us have our ways of dealing with stress, life, morons, etc. we all definitely have signs that these types of things are headed our way, too. recently, i have been having terrible dreams that people are trying to kidnap me, hurt me, or vandalize my car. and i've also been encountering debilitating migraines for days in a row.
you may be thinking that i would be crawled up in the fetal position in the corner by this point, but i have chosen an amusing array of alleviating tactics to combat my horrid stress. first, there is the champagn spritzer that i was so kindly introduced to via megan at the pool yesterday. thank god for $4 champange and fresca. who knew? this reliever helped me not feel fat in my bikini, allowed me to dismiss the fact that i have no income or money in general, and conclude that apartment leases and managers are crooked and lawyers can be a real good thing.
GSN can be accredited for stress relieving tactic #2. i mean, how can i possibly worry about idiots that go into the esso looking for me still or if my loan is being approved when classic shows like family feud and whammy are on tv? i'm way too involved in helping players chant for big money to be concerned about my own ishures. not issues.
lastly, i've always been aware that i'm weird. i'm okay with that. the way i chose to forget about pending problems completely validates my weirdness. instead of studying or crying or drinking, today i chose to groom my eyebrows. with scissors. now, for those of you who know me well, you understand that i cannot cut a straight line and that most of the time i cannot cut anything at all due to my left-handedness. i also have a tendency to get angry and attempt to cut my hair and end up with missing chunks. however, i mananged to successfully leave most of my eyebrows in tact and well-positioned. but i mean really, who honestly puts scissors to their own face when in their right frame of mind.
at least i realize that i'm seriously on edge and stressed out. but i appreciate myself for not being a basketcase about it all. however, i have found it challenging to be your own counselor... i'm thinking i might buy some coloring books or paint the apartment next.

Okay so I just had a hillarious conversation with Joe about what NOT to do when dating... or actually what not to do in life in general. Here is what I have compiled thus far:

DO NOT....
1. Kiss like a chamilion or any given amphibian or reptile. Girls do not like it when you flick us with your tongue.
2. Cry, under any circumstances when you are naked. Maybe this is okay if you are in the shower and you fall down. This is not okay however, when you are with a girl and kinda messing around and then you start talking and then start bawling. And then go sit on her couch. Don't do that. Ever.
3. Say you are going to come see your girlfriend but then cancel because it is raining. Really, who is scared of the rain? Come on.
4. Say you would willingly kiss another guy if you are, in fact, a guy! This needs no further explanation.
5. Call someone by a nickname of any sort especially when you have not okayed it with that person. Do not shorten my name if you have not asked me if that is okay. If you are Megan and Joe you can call me Nic. The End.
6. Try to be me. That's cool if you want to date me. When you start talking like me, walking like me and in general, acting like me, you are no longer cool. I wanted a boyfriend, not a parrot.
7. Fan yourself and complain like a seven year old girl that "ugh, it's so hot" when you are in Overtime on a Saturday night. What the hell else would you expect?
8. Lie about having a girlfriend. If you have one, don't act like you don't. That's just wrong.
9. Do a strip tease, unless it for pure amusement. Guys just cannot be sexy when bouncing around and trying to take off layers of clothing. That will always be funny.
10. Tell a girl you can see her having your babies when you have not actually ever even dated her. Creepy.

While I am sure there are many more assonine things one could do while dating or while living in general, these are the few most ridiculous things that I could think of. All of which have actually happened to me. Feel free to make fun. I did.

Given the circumstances of the bullshit that has surrounded the previous 24 hours, I felt compelled to share the lyrics of a song that could not put the situation into any better perspective. Wait did I say 24 hours? I meant year...it all just came to a nice ugly ass head in the past day. The song is called You Thought Wrong by Kelly Clarkson and Tamyra Gray, and it's about this jackass who attempted to play both girls. Luckily for the girls however, they were smarter than the boy and exposed him for the lying, manipulative son of a bitch he is. Enjoy.

-Tamyra-
I see how you're tryin to
Weasel your way in boy
Know how you maneuver
With all your confusion

-Kelly-
You tell me that I'm your only,
And how bad that you want me
Then why are you so shady,
If I'm supposed to be your lady?

-Tamyra-
Why should I believe
Anything you say?
And how could you shame me that way?

-Kelly-
Tell me where,
Where'd you get the nerve
To even think that you,
You could play me boy?

-Both-
You thought that we didn't know
You thought we were in the dark
But boy you've done us wrong
Cuz we both know now
You thought you had us both
At your beck 'n call
But now who's the joke?
And look who's laughin' now

-Kelly-
Now you're tryin to use us,

-Tamyra-
Against one another but it won't work

-Kelly-
I see right through your game boy

-Tamyra-
And I know exactly what I'm in for

-Kelly-
You, you try to deny all your actions

-Tamyra-
For once in your life be a real man

-Kelly-
At least give me the proper respect of

-Tamayra-
The truth

-Both-
When I already know you did it

-Kelly-
Why should I believe
Anything you say?
And how could you shame me that way?

-Tamyra-
Tell me where
Where'd you get the nerve
To even think that you
You could play me boy

-Both-
You thought we didn't know
You thought we were in the dark
But boy your cover's blown
Cuz we both know now
You that you had us both
At you beck 'n call
But now who's the joke?
And look who's laughin' now
I see what you do baby
Tryin' to tell me you want me
Can't you just get it through your,
Get it through your thick head?
Cuz I've seen this game before
And I'm showin' you the door so
Shut your mouth
I'm not tryin to hear your lies
No not again

-Tamyra-
no, no not again...

-Kelly-
Sorry you couldn't be a better man
Oh...
No no no

-Both-
No, no, no, no, NO
You thought we didn't know
You thought we were in the dark
But boy you've done us wrong
Cuz we both know now
You thought you had us both
At your beck 'n call
But now who's the joke?
And look who's laughin' now

-Kelly-
Guess you thought wrong

-Tamyra-
Look who's laughin' now

okay so tonight was human growth and development with dr. babble ass. i will leave her anonymous for now, so as not to destroy my grade if she were to ever get ahold of this particular entry. holy freaking god. save me. please. or shoot me. okay first, being that we are in the counseling field, we should be people that others would see as someone they would want to seek help from, right? well, dr. human damn development does not fall into the someone i want to seek counseling from category. see, dr. growth, is well, just that... growthy. not a small woman, to put it nicely. frumpy, big scraggly hair, crooked yellowy teeth, some dandruff, some splotchiness, and some just not goodness exuding from her. grooooss. i mean, nice, i guess, just not easy on the eyes. which again goes along with the idea of her not being someone i want to seek help from.
so she bumbles about for 3 hours, discussing the syllabus in too much detail, her family and how they lived without indoor plumbing back in the 1700s, her opinion on school programs which according to her do not reflect the opinions of clemson as a whole.... and she also forced us to play the "lets get to know each other game" -- you know, the one where you introduce your new friend and tell interesting facts about them the way we did when we were in the second fucking grade? yeah, big yay for the get to know me game. she got a little twitterpated when i was like "yeah i have my tragus pierced." ha. she thought i was being foul. that was funny. oh yeah, and we were so lucky as to learn about her extended family as well -- she decided to share with us about her grandpuppy. Really, what the fuck is a grandpuppy?! She's all like "OMG, I could talk about my grandpuppy for hours, so if you want to know anything about my grandpuppy, you just ask me and we can talk about grandpuppies." this is the part where i screamed on the inside and tried to smile on the outside. difficult task. and like, of all things to elaborate on, who picks grandpuppies? come to find out, i thought that a grandpuppy might be a puppy from other puppies, you know, like a whole generation of puppies. no. wrong thought process. apparently a grandpuppy is the pseudo child of your own child. who knew?
whatever. so we get through class. which mind you, was no easy situation. ugh. she is all disorganized, scatterbrained, and frumpy. and frumpy is not okay in my book. makes my learning abilities plummit when you are frumpy. gah. so she babbles on about these crazy papers we have to write and like, as a class, we were discussing shit since she did in fact put us into shit-discussing groups... and then, without warning, proceeds to say, "raise your right hand if you can hear me." people in the class actually gasped "whhaaat?" and nicely refrained from adding "the fuck" to the end of their flabbergastedness. like, its one of those moments when your jaw lowers slightly, your eyelids get heavy, you shove your chin into your chest and only moderately raise your eyebrows and think to yourself, "did i really just witness this?" lord help us. and especially help erin, who has the misfortune of having to experience the frumpy growthy beast for now a second time. poor child. she will need help after this. but not from her of course. as we've learned, dr. human growth ass is not the one we seek out when our lives are a spiraling death whirlwind of disaster.

This past weekend was my cousin Jen's wedding. Her and Pete got married Saturday June 4th in Wilmington, Delaware and it was such a beautiful wedding. And a badass good time reception. Everyone had such a great time and got completely t-rashed! Michael and I even did the shoulder shake on the dance floor together. Ha. My mom and I had flown into the Washington airport Thursday and we drove the remaining 3 hours to Delaware. Our flight home was scheduled for 5:00 Monday afternoon. Yeah... that would have been nice.
We got to the airport around 2:00 just because security and check-in and all that shit is a pain in the ass, especially since it is Washington DC. Well, around 4:00, our flight had been delayed until 6:40 due to weather. Fine. I had Cosmo to read so I was well entertained. Well, around 5:00, our frickin flight was delayed until 10:00 pm. WTF?! Do you know how badly that sucked to hear? So we had to get in the damn customer service line to switch our tickets to the 10:00 flight to GSP airport. So mom and I were sick of sitting in stupid concourse G terminal and decided to go roam around the other terminals. Washington airport is huge. You actually have to take these goofy space-like buses to get to the other terminals and to the baggage claim area. It's pretty overwhelming, honestly. So, we got to the other terminals and realized that other airlines were not delaying or canceling flights so we were pretty pissed off that United Air was doing this to us. Mind you, this is the bastard airline that is going bankrupt... gee, I wonder why.
So we tried to get other flights with other airlines but they were all booked of course. So we wound up back in our terminal... whereupon our flight was canceled completely. What the hell are you supposed to do when that happens? And these bitches were no help. And foreign at that. I'm sorry if that is racist, but damnit I want to deal with someone whom I can understand and who knows what the fuck they are doing. So, we have to get back in the stupid customer service line and switch our tickets so we can now fly into Columbia. Because that makes sense. You have to fly right over GSP to get to ugly Columbia... whatever. So we got our tickets changed and our luggage swapped; so we thought. So this flight was also supposed to leave at 10:00. Of course it got delayed... until 11:40. We didn't board the bitch until midnight. All the while, Mom is on the phone with Hertz, the rental car people, so we can drive back at 1:00 in the damn morning to Simpsonville. Hertz said they would stay until 1:00 am for our flight to arrive. Good thing we didn't get off the mother f-bomb ground until 2:30 in the morning... yeah. Holyshit I have never been so mad and upset in my life.
Mom and I were sitting on the plane at midnight and the pilot told us that they just had a little bit of paperwork to finish and then we would be on our way. Cool, we though. Then this crazy lightening storm comes barreling through causing the entire airport to be on a groundhold. Ugh. Well, once the storm stopped, we were still sitting there. It was about 12:50 by this time. So Mom is at her wit's end and she is like "I have to get off this plane - NOW." So we actually got off a plane. That's really scary... we went back inside the terminal to try to get on the morning flight because by this time we figured the car rental place would be closed and we wouldn't have a way out of Columbia until the morning anyway. So Mom is talking to this guy and she asked him to please get our luggage off the plane. he said, and I quote "I can't be the reason for the delay of your flight." Mom went apeshit. I was on the other side of the terminal and I could hear her yelling. I don't blame her... my turn was coming. She was like "Delay? Are you frickin kidding me?! That is all your damn airline knows how to do! Let me guess? You just dont have time to deal with this either, do you?" The guy was like 'Uhhhh." She was like "That is exactly what I thought." He was like "Well ma'am I'm sorry and try to have a nice night." Mom was like "Oh I'm sure you're sorry. And you know what, you try to have a nice night too." Then the bitch that had to walk with us off the plane was like, "It's possible that the pilot will not wait for you." Enter my turn to snap. This time, I was the one screaming. I was like 'What?! He better wait!" And you guys know how scary I can be when I get insanely mad -- imagine Mom and I both being this livid. I was scared for other people's safety. I was like "I swear to God, if this plane leaves us or cancels the flight, I am going to fucking jail because I am going to kill someone." Mom was like, "I'll be right there with you." So you know, we try to get on the 8:00 am flight to GSP - of course it is booked, but they would be glad to put us on the 5:00 flight. Right. Because that does us a lot of good. So we get back on the stupid plane. It is now 1:30 in the morning and we had to run down the boarding area just incase they were getting ready for take off... Right. Glad we ran just so we could sit there for another stupid hour. The reason we sat there for another hour was because we didn't have fuel. Are you fucking kidding me?! Isn't that some kind of prerequisite? Don't you have to have fuel in the plane before people can board?! Ohmygod... so we finally get a fuel truck to come... and guess what? He was out of fuel!!! I actually said outloud, "you're one job in life is to have fuel. And you can't even do that right. Jesus Christ." So we finally got fuel and the go-ahead to take off. I bawled the minute we got in the air. I hate flying. I had a complete panic attack. I freaked out on the flight to Delaware also. But this time I just lost it completely. My mom had to hold my hand and tell me that the scary plane noises were normal. I couldn't catch my breath and I was afraid to open my eyes because I didn't want to see outside. There was scary lightening everywhere and the pilot wouldn't fly above the clouds because there would be more turbulence. Which only meant that I would see the earth the entire time if we were to crash into it. I really though I was going to die on that plane. We had sat on the ground for so long that I convinced myself there was a mechanical glich and we were going to crash once in the air. And it doesn't help when the seat in front of you says "seat cushion turns into flotation device" Jesus.
We landed at 3:30 at the Columbia airport. Where I finally caught my breath. Low and behold - there was one lonely man behind the counter of the rental car place. Little angels were behind him singing "Aaaaah" I swear. He stayed for us!! God, I love South Carolina. Of course our luggage wasn't on the plane. Imagine that. It got sent to GSP - but there was acually someone to help us fill out a baggage problem form too! Thank God for those nice people. Mom and I got home at 5:30 in the morning. I talked to her the whole way home even though it was difficult for me to even make complete sentences. I was so drained and I knew she had to be even worse off than I was so I knew I had to talk to her to keep her focused. We made it. It was miserable, but we were glad that we at least had each other for support through it all.
I don't know if I will ever be able to fly again. It scared me so much. And what sucked was that I had flown before, but I guess it was on a bigger plane. I don't know. Either way, I'm just glad we made it back alive and in one piece.

Who knew I'd quote those crazy Black Eyed Peas?? So yeah, I said I wasn't going to write a blog today because I didn't want to be mean. I'm not going to be mean. I'm going to be real. And I know what is weighing on my mind: I want to give my heart to someone. I have before and it was such a wonderful experience. Of couse it hurts to break up, but I think it is foolish to not try just because you are scared of being hurt. Because in a sense, you are hurting yourself by not trying. What pisses me off, is that I am so willing to love someone - I want to -- I am currently seeking that out. Not that I am like on some crazy man hunt, but I am not afraid to have feelings for someone. And it's awesome when I can find someone who actually has feelings back. I know you all can understand that.
Everything surrounding love is fun -- the chase, the butterflies, the giddiness, the rush you get when you kiss someone and all you can think about is how you want to kiss him again. Everything surrounding love is also scary as hell. We fear the unknown. Love is the most unknown thing I believe we experience. It is the one aspect of our lives we really cannot control. There isn't a standard for relationships - they are all different, and we are these creatures that want to make sense of everything and have an explanation on hand for everything that happens. We can't do that with love. So we back out. We don't try. We push people alway when we realize we might fall. It makes me throw my hands up and just shake people sometimes and just ask, "Why?!" If you like me, try me. Sure we both might get the shit beat out of us emotionally, but do you know what the flipside of that is? It's amazing. And you know it. So don't worry constantly that you might get hurt or you might hurt me because if there is one thing I know, it's that I am just as scared of it all, I am just as much of a perfectionist, but damnit I will try when it feels right. And this time it really did/does/is.
:Insert forehead smack here:
Obviously... I mean I don't freak out like this over every guy that I might have a crush on. So once in a while I actually have to listen to myself.
Okay, there is one serious blessing/curse I have: my eyes. I cannot hide how I feel, whether it is happiness or anger. I can say I'm fine and you will know I am lying by looking into my eyes for just a few seconds. I also know that I can't hind when I have feelings for someone. But just because my eyes can show how I feel, doesn't mean I can come up with the words to explain the feelings.
God, I am going to pull my hair out. I seriously had to just get up and get a beer so I can calm the fuck down... but while I am upset, I'm not mad like at you... I'm just mad at you. Because that makes sense....
If there is one thing I have learned though, it's that you can't get mad at people for being honest - because hey, at least they were honest. I would just prefer if the honesty didn't come out in the form of you telling me that you in fact like another girl besides me and you tell me this while I am laying beside you. Yeah, that will make even the strongest person feel like a dumbass.
And like, I undestand that we are human. We fuck up. A lot. Where I seem to give myself a headache is when I try to figure out when to keep going or when to give up. Because right now, I don't want to give up. But I don't know if that's right - and that's what is hard. So it appears that I am the psychologist who now needs a psychologist. This is why I want to help other people -- it's easier for me to get involved in helping others than it is for me to try to figure myself out. Because I never know if I am doing the right thing. And again, I know that you can identify with that because I know that you too don't know what the hell you are doing. Which is why I think we should not know what the hell we are doing together. Like, let's be confused together - let's figure it out together. Let's fuck up together.
I just have a hard time hearing that someone likes me and wants to start something with me and then the next night hear that he likes another girl too and isn't quite sure of what he wants. I think that is a valid complaint. Wouldn't you agree? So I guess, I just ran myself in a circle (hmm, sound familiar - 10 page paper about why people have feelings), but maybe now my stance is a little more clear. I do still want to smack you in the forehead though.