The Napkin Diaries

The new job is such a nice change. Oh, and get this… we keep BEER in the fridge?! I knew this was a good decision!

Yesterday, I really said to myself these words: “I actually do like what I do.” I like got EXCITED when I made a new form. Who does that?! My organizational skills actually make me want to gag some of the time. It was a really good feeling though, to feel like I'm doing something important and to actually like the process of doing said important thing. Gives me hope that I'm actually doing something right.

And! And and AND! I’ve been researching how to be a good interviewer, and HR guru, and right arm to VP. Boss Man was like "crap, you already know all my secrets so now I can't hide shit from you! You're like my WIFE!" in regards to talking shop about hiring. I shook my fists in victory and told him that's exactly what I was going for. So, now I'm researching what the hell my job title should be. I used to be a "Business Process Coordinator." Whatever the fuck that means, right? Right. I'm searching for an equally confusing yet empowering title to scroll across my business cards. If you have some fantastic idea for some catchy frou-frou name worthy of scrawling all over my email signature, office door, and any other obnoxious place, please let me know. I can only be so creative on my own here, people.

And yesterday, Boss Man and I were standing in my future office, you know, the current catch-all room? Did I mention it even has a window! (that window might only face the brick wall of the BAR next door, but it totally counts.) And did I mention that we live next door to a BAR?!

And he said “I might have someone else share this room with you, but it’ll be someone on a more senior level who’s mature and trustworthy; not one of the kids.” And I took that as a complement, because obviously he doesn’t look at me as “one of the kids” even though I’m younger than some of them. Holy crap – RESPECT?!! What a concept.

New job, I think I love you.

So there's this John Mayer song called "Say." And it basically just says "say what you need to say." And as simple as that is to say that little phrase, do you have any idea how difficult it can be to actually just do that?! I think we should say things that drive us crazy, even if it makes our hands sweat and makes our stomach hurt and makes us just want to shut our eyes and cover our ears because we're afraid of what we might hear in response.
I definitely have things that I've kept in me for months, years even, and its about time for this shit to come out. What's the point of holding it in and having nightmares about it and making yourself sick about it? Not to say that I have like a list of people that I need to cuss out. Not at all, actually. But there is at least one person that hasn't heard everything I need to say. I realize I have a lot of anger in me about the way I was treated and how I had to make these terrible decisions in my life when I shouldn't have been thinking about anything bad. I should haven't to have friendship-ending conversations the weekend before my wedding...
Needless to say, I'm just glad that I've found it in myself to actually speak up. And I know that sooner than later I'll get the perfect opportunity to let her know just how I feel about her. So there's this John Mayer song called "Say." And it basically just says "say what you need to say." And as simple as that is to say that little phrase, do you have any idea how difficult it can be to actually just do that?! I think we should say things that drive us crazy, even if it makes our hands sweat and makes our stomach hurt and makes us just want to shut our eyes and cover our ears because we're afraid of what we might hear in response.
I definitely have things that I've kept in me for months, years even, and its about time for this shit to come out. What's the point of holding it in and having nightmares about it and making yourself sick about it? Not to say that I have like a list of people that I need to cuss out. Not at all, actually. But there is at least one person that hasn't heard everything I need to say. I realize I have a lot of anger in me about the way I was treated and how I had to make these terrible decisions in my life when I shouldn't have been thinking about anything bad. I should haven't to have friendship-ending conversations the weekend before my wedding...
Needless to say, I'm just glad that I've found it in myself to actually speak up. And I know that sooner than later I'll get the perfect opportunity to let her know just how I feel about her.

After reading Catherine's blog, I just realized that I haven't written anything since like July. That's lame. But it also makes sense that I haven't written anything since then because I feel like I have been too busy to enjoy anything enough to write about it. That's not completely true since there have been some really awesome events in the past few months (ex: Jenni's wedding, my bridal shower, Emily's bachelorette party, Megan's bachelorette party, and Emily's wedding) – these things were wonderful, left me exhausted, but wonderful.

In the midst of being this busy, I think I lost myself. All I do is plan the wedding and go to tons of wedding related events. I now understand how brides turn into bridezillas… yes, planning is fun, but it is extremely difficult when we have to travel 400 miles almost every weekend to go finalize this thing or make a decision about that. In the grand scheme of things, who cares how tall my cake is or what kinds of leaves are in my bouquet – think about how ridiculous that is?! But nonetheless, I got sucked into it all because I want everything to be so pretty and wonderful and have a "Nicole touch". I should have focused my attention more on the fact that I am marrying Dave, not how everything is going to look while I'm marrying him…

Ugh.

I had a mini breakdown this week, well, it might have been more than mini… I realize that I have no idea what makes me happy and I have no idea what the hell I want to do with my life. (This statement does not refer to Dave though because he is the only thing that makes sense.) I realize that I do the things that I have to do and I stick to what is routine… this even relates to what station I leave my Sirius radio on… I made myself turn the dumb thing off and put in one of my old Dave Matthew's CDs. I have no idea how long it's been since I chilled to DMB. Made me feel like Nicole again, just a little bit. I did the same thing this morning; I played a Matchbox 20 CD. Some of you might know that I was one of those people completely obsessed with music, especially music that actually had lyrics worth listening to… then, somewhere along the way, I decided I didn't want to listen to anything that made me think, thus the techno phase.

I understand that I haven't figured myself out since I moved away from Clemson. I knew who I was there – I was this maniac bar fanatic who partied like it was her job and all the while maintained a GPA somewhere around a 4.0. No, I don't really know how either… I had my circle of friends that were basically my new adopted family and we spent so much of our time together. I was so freaking happy there! And I was fun. I'm not really fun anymore… and that makes me sad.

When I knew Dave was moving, I knew in my heart that I could not live away from him. I was so in love with him and had wanted to date him for like freaking 2 years so once we finally were together, I didn't want him to leave me. So I went with him – which was great because now we get to marry each other in a month!! But that move broke me, to an extent… I never figured out how to define myself here. And that is something I am still struggling with. And I know its "okay" to not know, but I am sick of not knowing. I've always had some kind of plan and it makes me tear up knowing that when I try to visualize what the hell I am supposed to be doing, I can't see anything. It's blank. Well, it's blank when I try to visualize my career. What is scary and disgusting is that the only thing I can see is me being a mom. Which is so ironic and gross because I hate kids. But that's what I know I will succeed at one day.

I'm ready to get married and stop planning to get married. I just want to be there already and stop anticipating it -- its like some crazy road trip that turned out to be 300 miles too long... It's worn me out. I just want to stay at home with my fiancé for once and hang out. I need things to slow down a little bit so I can actually enjoy myself. And I need to quit being this weird person that I don't even know and just be Nicole again.

i'm in graduate school, right? well apparently, that doesn't mean anything because we are having "bring your favorite phobia to class" day next week. i also have to make a time capsule for my other class,but whatever. so in researching my "favorite phobia" i came across some incredibly ridiculous fears and felt compelled to share. here's a list for your making fun enjoyment:

*peladophobia= fear of bald people
*katisophobia= fear of sitting down
risky career options for people with this phobia
- computer jobs
- desk jobs
- office jobs
- any job in an office with chairs
(yes, i actually found this on a website)
*oenophobia= fear of wine
*lachanophobia= fear of vegetables...
i mean, that squash can be pretty scary sometimes...
*cacophobia= fear of ugliness
*pogonophobia= fear of beards
*alektorophobia= fear of chickens
*xanthophobia= fear of the color yellow or the word yellow
* anglophobia= fear of england or english culture, etc.
* arachibutyrophobia= fear of peanut butter sticking to the roof of the mouth
* geniophobia= fear of chins
*lutraphobia= fear of otters (don't fear them; save them! ha.)

yeah, just thought you might enjoy this shit. i did. i hope i never have to counsel anyone with one of these fears. i think i'd laugh. a lot.

okay, so there is this girl that i've had a couple of classes with throughout the past year. nice girl. smart. but has this one really serious issue that might lead to me developing serious issues. she enunciates like there is no tomorrow. you know how some people mumble and act like they have 17 marbles in their mouths when attempting conversation? well this chick apparently is trying to make up for marble mouth by completely overcomensating. she's like "to.day. i. will. tell. you. a.bout. ser.i.ous. al.co.hol. a.buse. pro.gram.s." holy shit. like really, it's hard to not burst into laughter... or tears, for that matter when listening to her present something. but then, on random occassions, she'll revert back to marble mouth, and i cannot for the life of me understand what the hell has caused this girl to have such difficulties with speech!
so to, um, make matters more in.ter.est.ing. she's in my group. shit. stupid group work. i mean, everyone knows she likes to take.her.moth.er.f.bomb.time.whi.le.speak.in.g. so i don't think i will be judged for having her in my group. and anyway, we're counselors, we aren't allowed to judge. so yeah, luckily i only have 8 classes left. well actually, crap, she's in both classes, so i will see her 16 more times in my life. damn.it.

so i went to my first pawn shop the other day. i was actually scared to go in. i had no idea what to expect crazy pawn people to be like. surprisingly, they were normal...ish. see, i decided i needed to get rid of some old shit from some old boyfriend. i mean, i told him that he could have the ring back. he said i could keep it. so i pawned the bitch. thanks for the $100.
here is my philosophy on the promise ring: a promise ring is pretty much the equivalent of a dog pissing on a tree. it's like, "hey, this is my shit. i'm not gonna do anything with it. but it's mine. so there." this insight was recieved from my new friend michelle from class. pretty genius. and so true. i mean, come on, if you want to marry a girl, give her an engagement ring. a big one at that. don't give her some dinky ring that means "i might want to marry you one day. but not now. so just wait til i'm ready." um, no. so yeah, like i said, thanks for the 100 bucks.

As I've mentioned, I started graduate school this semester. Yesterday I had a class with Dr. Neil, and he shared a little background about his family. He told us how his parents divorced when he was 6 years old, and how he didn't understand divorce because he thought marriage was forever. He used this quote:

I had a real job interview this morning at the SC Dept. of Mental Health for the position of theraputic assistant wherein I would be leading groups of mentally ill people in counseling. Big stuff, huh? So I get there, meet with Victoria, the nice hiring lady, whereupon she asks me how well I think on my feet. I told her I am very good at thinking and acting spur of the moment. She said, "Good, because I told the clients that we have a guest speaker today... and that is you." Holyfreakinshit. So, I had to go into a meeting room where approximately 50 mentally ill clients were and explain to them how to use safety at the cookout they will be having this coming Wednesday. Talk about crazy. No pun intended. I have never in my life had to do something like that. I spoke for about a minute or two and then asked them to contribute more safety advice or ask any questions -- so it ended up lasting about 5 more minutes. And then they all clapped their heads off for me. Awesome. I came out of the meeting room and one of the staff was like "Was she hosting church in there? They're all hootin', and clappin' for her like she did something awesome." So from that, I can safely say that I did a good job with it. Way intimidating though. So then I had to sell myself to her, make her realize that I would kick ass in the field, especially since I have had experience from doing the interviews at Gateway House all year. So hopefully in about a month I will be working full-time! Wish me luck.

So to celebrate my interview skills, we grilled some burgers and splashed around the pool this afternoon. Joe made like 5 trips to try to complete the "grill out" setting -- to get the jambox, then for batteries, then for 2 more batteries, then for some change for some coke to add to his beam or whatever... sadly though, the jam box never did work for us. It was funny because Emily was all sittin in the grass trying to rearrange the batteries in some kind of special order so as to make the machine work. She was like "we need more batteries." So needless to say, I thought it was kinda funny... sorta like the comment of being "just a few fries short of a happy meal;" you can also be, "two batteries short of a jam box." And yes, damnit, we call it a jam box. And it typically plays ridiculous 80s music compliments of Joe. And we like it. Especially when it comes next to a cooler of bud light. And by the way Joe, I really really want to sing Toxic tomorrow night at karaoke -- you take the high notes of course. It'll be a hit.

Also, I love Catherine. We had an interesting chat this afternoon. I also almost fell out of my seat from laughing so hard. That's all I really feel the need to say. Okay bitches, I gotta get ready for the SeNiOr WaLk.