You Make me Wanna La La

I was driving somewhere and decided to bust out one of my old ass untitled CDs from the back of the case yesterday, and La La happened to be one of the songs on the random ass CD. there is always one night in particular that i think of when i hear that song, and that would be the night we were in city bar - i know that dave, joe and megan were with me. and i think emily and michael were there too. either way, the girls went up to the front stage and this song came on. i threw one of my legs up on the railing and grinded all over the place, all swinging my hair around and being as drunk and sexy as possible. well, my sexiness was supposed to be wowing dave, instead, i ended up catching the lesbian's eye. she told me i was the best dancer in the bar and that i was really pretty. megan saved me. needless to say, i still have no idea what dave's reaction was that night because i was too busy being semi-molested by the little lesbian lady...

so yeah, everytime i hear this song, i think of that night. and that's funny.

44 Fun Facts about the Nic and Joe Show

Okay, so there was this random bulletin "22 things about your #1 friend on myspace" so I posed one for Joe and he posted one back for me. Because they are so terrific, I am turning them into a blog so that when "Life as I Wrote it: Volume II" is issued, it will be one of the first pages. Woot. So, here are the fun facts: the first one is from me about Joe, second is about me from Joe. K. Enjoy. Happy Friday.

22 Questions about JOE
1) What's their name?
JOE!
2) Do you trust them?
with my life
3) How did you meet them?
i really don't know -- 148 k girls and the 102 f boys just started hanging out. then we realized we had a very common interest: getting wasted. we spent the next 3 years of our lives drunk together.
4) How old were you when you first met?
oh wait! now i remember the first time i met you -- it was at a lambda chi party -- you were drunk and you gave me your number in the front yard of the house behind esso. i think i was 20 years old then.
5) Is this person one of your best friends?
he IS my BEST friend
6) Say something that only makes sense to you and them?
this could take a minute:
can i get a morphine drip? one, two ways? i have three bottles of wine and boonedock saints, let's go.
i need jim the hippo.
i need an adult.
could you teach me to dance, hospital style?
i mell moke.
and i need you to check my downstairs.
can i borrow your rackets? i need to do the dance.
oh and can we please stay up and listen to techno and talk about headboards?
thanks for the meat, and for plugging my hole. good pancakes. ronnie said that you're toxic. c
an i borrow your windshield? it makes me feel invisible.
thanks for giving me a designated craft station in 102 f.
sorry my room beeps too much. sorry you own taz shorts. for real.
beer forts are cool. so are pool floats. and ninja parties at the pool.
save an otter. wear a floaty.
do i have boat eyes?
i'll be on lap duty any time you need me.
is this skirt socially unacceptable?
thanks for being on nicole time.
thanks for playing 90s music. yay for the deadbolt.
yay for out of control hair.
if i take a canoe to paris, will you push me?
but i came in for tonsils!
america, fuck yeah!
blinky! run!blinky! run!

7) Is this person older than you?
by about 9 months
8) when was the last time you saw this person?
when we played death dice twice. gah, too long! can't wait until ugly christmas sweater party THIS WEEKEND!!
9) when was the last time you talked to them on the phone?
i called him tuesday to tell him there were 12 bottles of wine in my office.
10) Are you related to this person?
he's my brotha from anotha motha
13) Are you their b/f or g/f?
no, just my BFF
14) Do you have nicknames for each other?
i pretty much just call joe joe.
and he calls me nic.
15) Do you have pics of this person on your myspace?
all over the place.
16) How many times do you talk to this person in a week?
we probably talk every single day even if it is via myspace messages
17) Do you think the person will repost this?
it's possible
18) Could u live with this person?
i pretty much was the unofficial roomie at the 102 all last year.
20) Why is this person number one on your top friends?
because he's joe fucking long and he is the best mother effing person/friend ever. zee end.
21) Have you seen this person cry?
i actually don't think i've physically seen tears. no.
22) Do you know this person's middle name?
HARRY!! woooooot. LOVE YOU.
____________________________________________________

22 Questions about the one and only Nicole Fucking Cononie
1) What's their name?
Nicole
2) Do you trust them?
i dont trust many people, but her i trust with everything
3) How did you meet them?
first time i remember seeing her was at her halloween party, she came in wearing her trucker outfit and telling everyone the rules to some drinking game, i thought she was pretty hot, and i was kinda scared of her, so i talked to her quiet friend instead

first time i remember us hanging out was downtown then on the cat bus

4) How old were you when you first met?
like a week away from 21
5) Is this person one of your best friends?
she IS my BEST friend, we've been through alot of severe good and bad times in life and i know shes always there for me
6) Say something that only makes sense to you and them?
Valasa Raptors!
2x4 and some pantyhoes
Do the pirate dance
Free glowsticks in the front
the gesture you make like fanning your mouth cause its hot, but in a really gay way
the bathtub just kicked my ass
smells like january and valtrex
damn the bathroom is locked, wait this trashcan will work
yay im a lama again
can we get a pitcher of christmas
is it like this or is it like this, or is it like this...
pewpty pants'
'great prices, by here!'
nic and joe show
bombpops!
want some limes
ewww! dont touch me
Baxter!
(not as good as your list i know, these were all off the top of my head)

7) Is this person older than you?
little younger, not enough to make a difference
8) when was the last time you saw this person?
too fucking long ago, but the countdown is on for shenanigans
9) when was the last time you talked to them on the phone?
tuesday, i got a call concerning wine, go figure
10) Are you related to this person?
no but i consider her one of my sisters
13) Are you their b/f or g/f?
BFF oh yeah
14) Do you have nicknames for each other?
went from niconie to nikky to nic, thats what its been for years now
15) Do you have pics of this person on your myspace?
shes pretty much in everyone
16) How many times do you talk to this person in a week?
at least once a day either by myspace or phone, sometimes telepathy
17) Do you think the person will repost this?
im reposting hers
18) Could u live with this person?
we pretty much did for over a year, made a deal that if either of us get really rich we'll all get a house together
20) Why is this person number one on your top friends?
for all the reasons listed up to now, shes awesome, ridiculously fun and crazy, i can trust her with anything, sweet as hell, my drinking buddy, pretty hot, always there, and the kind of friend you only find once in a while
21) Have you seen this person cry?
ive got a few mascare stains on my shirts before, but only when something really bad happens
22) Do you know this person's middle name?
i believe it is Christene (i dont think thats spelled right) but we replaced it with an F-bomb a while back

The Tuesday Gift Box

Okay today started off super shitty -- I had to go to the car dealership for the second time now because not even 48 hours after the last time it was in there, the check engine light came back on... which means I paid them $172 to do nothing. awesome. I also let them know how awesome I thought they were... whatever... so I get to to the office and immediately notice that there is this massive ass package on my desk. and its really heavy. I was like "whatever" and didn't even bother to open it because I figured it had nothing to do with me anyway. Well, about 30 minutes went by, and I was just like, "oh fuck it" so i got a pen and tore the tape off. the inside was packaged really weird -- it had like 12 circular/tube styrofoam pieces in it. I was like "wtf." so then i manage to wiggle one apart... low and behold...
there are 12 bottles of WINE in this glorious box! whaaat?! I immediately considered not telling the rest of my co-workers and taking the entire box home with me. Instead I told them that they have presents here and they have to come pick them up if they want them... I'll give them a week. then those bitches are mine! all mine! muhahaha!

Death Dice Twice

Dave and I were in Clemson this past weekend to celebrate Joe's 24th birthday! Yay, happy birthday, Joe. We hung out Thursday night, drank a lot of beer, ordered pizza at 2:00 am and then Joe and I were the only one's left standinng at 4:00 am talking about everything from baby names to tanning beds. Dave crapped out sometime after the moonshine shot, which caused Dave to forget his childhood. He took the shot and immediately said, blank faced, "Now I can't remember my childhood."
Friday we ate Esso lunch - ohmygah I forgot how much I loved the 9000 calorie country fried steak meal. Mmmm. I want one right now. Then we started drinking. Ha. We grilled out that night... still drinking... and then went back to Joe's to drink more. There were 11 of us there, 10 of us were drinking. Poor Dave was suffering from reflux/heartburn/Thursday night, so he couldn't play. We started to play card games, but realized quickly that there were too many people, not enough table space, and definitely not enough attention span to play anything with cards. Enter: Michael the Genius. Michael is like "I know! Let's all have a number, 2-11, when your number is rolled, you drink." We ended up coming up with a whole list of rules and even a name... and so is born Death Dice Twice.

Rules:
1. Everyone gets a number (in a clockwise circle)
2. When your number is rolled, you drink
3. If you roll doubles, you roll again
4. If you roll doubles twice, you have to roll the Death Dice -- this is the 3rd die that is brought into the game, and whatever number you roll, you drink that number
5. 12 is social
6. If you roll sloppy dice, you drink. (Sloppy dice means that one or both die have rolled off the table.)
7. If you roll your own number, you drink and roll again
8. if you roll your own number twice, you finish your beer. (As Candle says though, "I can't do that! I have acid reflux!" We still made her drink it. Ha, sorry girl.)
9. Go through 3 rounds of Death Dice, the person who drank the most amount of times will then start off as #2.
10. Start Death Dice all over until everyone is wasted and incapable of drinking more beer.

Michael, you should seriously patent this game and go make us millions. Genius. In the midst of the weekend, I constructed a beer box hat. It's pretty flashy. It also causes Shawn to sweat profusely. He claimed it didn't breathe well, it probably didn't. But it was really funny to sit next to him on the couch and watch him wipe the sweat off his forehead. He finally had to give up and give the beer box hat back to Michael. Ha. Good weekend. Thanks for the Clemson fun. I miss you guys.

I Have to Focus My Senses!

i've been meaning to write this blog since like, sunday, but i had to find this particular receipt first. this receipt that i speak of, is the one that i wrote down all the funny drunk stuff on from saturday. i do this pretty much everytime i go out, because i learned quickly that i will only remember funny drunk stuff if i (a) write it down (b) call myself and leave a message. i found that calling myself doesn't usually work because i just laugh and take gulps of my drink and forget why i am calling myself. if i write it down, i can usually somewhat read it in the morning.
saturday was amanda and rob's wedding out at dune's west. amanda was dave's roomie for a while down here in charleston. really fun wedding... er, drunk... the bartenders knew how to make a hell of a vodka drink. dave and i went over to his friend's house for a hot minute and then went to meet candle, opie and jayson out at gene's. of course. well, we were just driving when all of a sudden it was smelly outside. this is what happened:
nicole: (turns off radio completely and rolls down window. closes eyes and takes a big deep breathe)
dave: um, why did you have to turn off the radio to smell?
nicole: (without skipping a beat) i had to focus my senses!!
dave pretty much just shook his head and rolled his eyes. i probably said something like "whatever, you love me and you're gonna marry me. so there." i was pretty much wasted at this point.
we got to gene's and i think i basically just bumbled around all night. i watched jayson inhale this beautiful plate of loaded cheese fries and only had to steal one in the process. i kept telling myself that fries would taste better than beer and that would mean i would stop drinking, which would mean i would get sober. and no one wants to be sober. so, somehow i had the willpower to ignore the vitamin g. vitamin g, as i was so kindly introduced to, is grease... just a funnier way to say it. you can also accumulate vitamin g at the awful waffle, as randy - one of dave's fun friends - explained to us. and the awful waffle is waffle house, which makes sense, but damn i did not understand that at the time.
dave and i left gene's at some point... duh.. whatever, and we went to mcdonalds. ugh, why? well they were only serving #2, 3 and 10. and holy crap, dave and i argued all the way to the window about what the hell #10 was. i thought it was chicken nuggets; dave thought it was a fish sandwich. dave finally broke down and asked the window chick what the hell a #10 consisted of... i was right! it was chicken! aha! as soon as she said "chicken nuggets" i did the bratty, "told ya sooo!" thing. then again said something like "whatever, you love me. fiance." i hated myself in the morning for eating 9 pounds of burgers and fries at 2:00am. i was bloated for like, 3 days. gross. dave still wants to go back and recheck that particular menu to see who was right. i still believe that i was. i usually am. ha.
moral of the story: use receipts to record funny happenings.

BONKERS

This weekend Dave and I went to Waynesville. Instead of having a calm, quiet weekend full of family and activities such as hiking, it turned into one big drunken blur. Oops. Gee, who didn't see that coming? Friday night was spent around Billy's kitchen table with a case of beer and a deck of cards. We played like 17 rounds of asshole... we ended up with rules such as "everyone will refer to Nicole as 'Lemon Meringue.'" That was Brandon's rule. I don't know why. Needless to say, we didn't wake up until 1:00 pm on Saturday.
Saturday we just watched Clemson lose to Maryland... damnit and then bought an awesome case of Busch Light. I'm not even kidding. Billy and Brandon came over to Dave's around midnight and we decided that board games were the coolest thing to do for the remainder of the night. Before Billy and Brandon got there though, Dave and I played a few rounds of Guess Who. Remember, its the game where you say "is your person a girl? does your person wear glasses? is your person ugly as shit?" and then you say, 'I know, you're alfred!" Well, we shuffled the deck and, no kidding, Dave picked "David" for the first three games in a row. Had he picked David one more time, we might have had to burn the game and go get Mom.
Once the boys arrived, Dave went to pick out a different game that had drinking-game potential. He chose the game called BONKERS!

Here are the rules: Each player picks 4 cards. These cards say things like "Go forward 12 spaces," "Go back 4 spaces," "Go directly to Score" and things like that. You roll the dice and move foward that many spaces and then you get to lay one of your cards down as long as there is not a card already there. If there is a card there, you will continue to do what the cards say until you land on an empty spot. The object is to lay these cards down so you will end up in a "Score" zone. When you land on "score" you get a point and the first person to 12 points wins. You can also get a point if you create what we liked to call a conundrum. A conundrum occurs when you lay down, for example a "Go forward 5 spaces," and then you lay down "Go back 5 spaces," thus, you are in a conundrum and no matter what you do, you are stuck until you roll the dice again. Little did we know that this game would go on for almost 2 hours because of all the conundrums that we created.
Of course funny shit began to be said by everyone, so I, of course, had to create a "funny shit" list. It all started when all four of us were stuck in a conumdrum over on the left side of the board. I blurt out "it's like the Bermuda triangle! No wait... the BEER-muda triangle!" We seriously had to take a timeout because we all laughed so hard for so long that we could barely breathe or see. We kept playing the game and the following funny shit was said over the course of the 2 hour Bonkers experience:

Brandon: Carry me to the fridge, Billy.
Dave: A Bonker's back ride.

Dave: Can you believe we got drunk on Bonkers? Can you believe there is a game called Bonkers?!

Dave: This isn't Bonkers! This should be called MEAN. Exclamation point... quotations included.

Brandon: Do something stupid.
Dave: Do you want me to do Billy?

Brandon: You look gay sober.

I really don't know why any of these things were said or in what context, but they were amusing, nonetheless. I'm not sure if we ever actually finished the game. We seriously could not get out of the conundrum we created. You basically had to roll like a 12 or 7 to break out of the conundrum, but then if you didn't roll the same numbers again, once you were out, you'd just end up right back in. Reeeeeediculous. At some point, Billy and I, combined, knocked over 4 beers. The last one I knocked over, I didn't even realize I had knocked it over because I was rolling around on the floor begging for the game to end. Dave started yelling at me to sit up... after I had already acquired beer all over my shoulder. Billy sprinted to the bathroom to grab the box of tissues. I thought he was going to be super helpful and come smash them into the beer puddle so it wouldn't soak into the carpet. No. Instead, he just stood on the other side of the couch and hurled the tissues, one by one, at my head. I had to try to collect as many tissues as possible before all the beer was consumed by the carpet. It was like a freaking scene from Legends of the Hidden Temple or some shit. The person who collects the most tissues and soaks up the most evil fluid wins a Sony Karaoke Machine... no, all I won was a giant beer-soaked tissue wad that was used as a giant beer-soaked spit wad that continued to be hurled at my head for the rest of the evening. Thanks. I think we finally gave up around 4:00 am. We doubt that another game of Bonkers will ever be played quite as greatly as the one that was produced Saturday night. To celebrate our awesome drinking-game creation skills, I made some grilled cheeses. I'm impressed that I didn't burn down the Kuhlman residence. Awesome, and much needed weekend.

In random news: everytime Dave and I got in the truck this weekend, we insisted on blaring "Under Pressure," by Queen. Mostly because we liked to scream along when he would do the "Ba da dup ba day" nonsense.

My Throat is Green

so i've gotten semi-slack on the blog writing, i know. sorry. i meant to write one last week about our ridiculous drunken excursion downtown, but i waited too long to write it and now i can't remember. blast. it involved 2 buckets of beer, 2 surfer on acid shots, 3 vodka drinks and a trip to gilroy's pizza at 2:00 am. i blame ed miller for all of this.

well, whatever. so yesterday dave was sleeping on the couch and i was so freaking bored, so i decided that i was going to wake his ass up so he could entertain me. i went to sit next to him on the couch and here is the conversation that occurred:

nicole: hey dave? are you awake?
dave: my throat is green... or brown or purple.
nicole: um. what?
dave: nevermind. i don't want to talk about it.
nicole: um. okay. i'll let you sleep some more.
dave. yeah okay.

after he actually woke up, i told him about our conversation. he claims that he meant to say "my throat is dry." why the fuck he said green instead is beyond me... i guess he's been living with me too long and has picked up my talking-while-sleeping habits. i'm expecting us to have full-blown sleep conversations eventually. maybe we should set up a tape recorder at night to see what happens...

Best. Tailgate. Ever.

This weekend was Homecoming for those Clemson Tigers. That's a good enough reason to get waaaasted if you ask any of us. We partied our asses off from 11 pm Friday until aprroximately 3 am Sunday morning. Friday night was the normal drunk scene at the 102. Only this time, we had Catherine with us! Yessss. I came bearing gifts, too. I brought Catherine a bottle of Jack as a late birthday present and I also brought Joe a Halloween card. Please let me tell you about this card. Okay, I was in Target, and I see this black and white card with skulls and crossbones all over it -- and they are very real looking. It's all creepy and shit, so I picked it up, assuming there would be something catchy about how you should have a bad to the bone Halloween or something of the sort. No, Not even fucking close. I open it up to find this printed inside: Always follow your heart." WTF. I cracked up in the middle of Target all by myself and immediately ran to the register to purchase the most ridiculous greeting card ever made. Its now slapped onto the fridge at Joe's apartment and will most likey never come off. Seriously, what the fuck does that mean. The only other unusal thing that happened was that there was a dance party... with all the guys. Really, Joe, Michael, Dave and Shawn all danced. The girls just sat there. It was really funny and as soon as Joe sends me the pictures, I'm going to post them and blackmail the piss out of all of you. Yay, can't wait.
So we woke up and were at the tailgate by 10:30. Beers cracked by 10:31. Woot. This time we did it right: we brought the motherfucking couch. Oh yes. The grungy ass, disease-ridden ,lame excuse for a seating unit, used to be white but is now a dirty tan color couch from the 102 F. And we stuck it right in between the jeep and the truck. Genius. Effing genius. It did however turn into quite the accident causer when both Jayson and Opie did back flip-like maneuvers over it and tried to land gracefully, but usually just ended up on their asses over in the woods.
So as soon as everything was unpacked, funny shit started happening, so Joe threw a pen a pad of paper at me and said "go" So I compiled a list, appropriately entitled "Funny Shit" as the day progressed. It turned out to be one and a half pages long. I will now write everything that was written on the "Funny Shit" list and attempt to give an explanation... Okay.go:

Candle: "It will go up your butt if you let it!" Explaining how the yellow jackets (not the team, but the actual creature) are infact, crazy ass mother fuckers and will attack you, at all costs, if presented with the opportunity.

Brandy: "I'm Brandy! Like the motherfucking drink." Because sometimes people think her name is Randy.

Nicole: "Is my tag sticking out?
Dave: "Everything's sticking out, baby." I asked if my underwear tag was visible... Dave informed me that yes, my tag, along with most of my entire ass/crack was also in plain view.

Nicole: "I want someone to find my blog and read it and then they will want to publish it."
Brandy: "What? You want someone to find your blog and then they will want to pop your shit?"

Catherine: "I'm fucking infallible. What am I, the pope?" She invented the 'Catherine Surprise,' which is when you shove a wad of cotton candy in your mouth, then allow her to drown you in champagne, then you swallow it all while trying not to gag or laugh or wretch. Yes, wretch. All the while, half her ass is about to fall out of her pants, she has Joe's enormous sunglasses on, and her hair, is well, everywhere.

Catherine: "Thank God, I bought fucking cotton candy."

Candle: "I don't even care, put your finger there!" Telling me how its okay if I shove my finger into her drink so it doesn't fizz over.

Joe: My thinking parts are mad at my drinking parts."

Joe: "Nic, where'd you go?"
Nicole: "I don't know. I'm invis.....dable." Yes, there was a dramatic pause before I finished the word. Incorrectly, at that.

Nicole: "Oh! We're playing spin the bottle?"
Candle: "No! I don't do that! I could get meningitis." All day, Candle thought she was going to get meningitis... from her cup, the pine needles, the champagne bottle that everyone was drooling all over, etc.

Joe: "Are you drunk or retarded?"

Brandy: "Jayson! I can see all of your cards!"
Jayson: "I don't know what that means, but I'll see you later." Jayson's credit cards, and every other imaginable were spilling out of the hole he created in his back pocket. Brandy tried to warn him. Jayson took this as innuendo.

Joe: "It smells like January and Valtrex." I refuse to explain this any further.

Joe: "Oh, we've all seen the Cononie Coin Slot..." Yes, that's my ass. for those of your who are dumb.

Nicole: "I need some water."
Dave: "Why don't you just drink that?"
Nicole: "No. That's too watered down." I wanted regular water. Dave offered me the remains of his coke from Hardees. It was too watered down. Damnit.

Jayson: "You know when you're sober and you can't see and you're just like, ' Cool, I can't see,' and you squint to fix it? Well yeah, you can't do that when you're drunk."

So, those are the Funny Shit quotes that I promised. I would now like to mention some more funny shit that happened that did not require words:

1. Candle played "Billie Jean" by Michael Jackson and nominated herself to impersonate the Michael Jackson "spin-and-grab-your-crotch" move. She did this eight successful times. On the ninth try (why she tried any more than once is a mystery) she completely fell over backwards and busted her ass. Catherine came immediately to the rescue and shoved the champagne bottle at Candle's crotch. Candle latched onto the bottle and began thrusting again. All was saved.
Side note: Candle walked around most of the day with some object turned phallic in her crotch. She has come to terms with the fact that she has a serious case of penis envy and has chosen to celebrate this Candle-like feature.
2. The beer boxes were turned into sleds. Pretty much everyone except for me and Dave took a running, flying leap at the teeny piece of cardboard in front of them and barrelled down the little pine needle hill until the had to bail out when the hill turned into fucking pavement.
3. Catherine screwed up somehow and just laid on her back in the pine needles. We took this as an invitation to burry her in them. It was like burrying someone in sand, but instead with pine needles.
4. Candle got doo-doo on her knee. She attempted to brush it off. She now probably has meningitis.
5. A dance party happened at approximately 3:00 pm.
6. Joe had a phenominal idea. See, the couch is amazing, but seriously, its time for the bitch to die. It was decided that at the last tailgate of the year, we are simply going to regift the couch and stick it in the back of someone else's fucking truck. One of two reactions will occur, (a) they will be ecstatic that they have a newfound piece of tailgate furniture, (b) they will be so fucking pissed that some assholes put their piece of shit couch in the back of their awesome truck.
7. Joe explained that without Nic, he Nic and Joe show is just like Wayne and ___. Without Garth, it's just not Waynesworld.

So basically, this was the BEST.TAILGATE.EVER. Seriously, who brings a couch, concocts a drink that consists of cotton candy and champagne, turns beer boxes into sleds, does Michael Jackson skits, drinks 3 coolers of beer all in one day and actually lives to tell about? We are motherfucking rockstars. And we won, bitches.

PS: What song did we all agree to put on our pages so we can be gay together? I actually think I was too drunk at that point and since I didn't write it down, I can't produce a memory. Shit. You tell me. Now.

Beer Tickets

this weekend, dave and i went home to simpsonville. our main goal was to show dave downtown greenville so he could get a feel for the church and the hotel where we will be having the wedding/reception. it was also "fall for greenville" or ffg this weekend; which is basically this food festival in the streets of downtown where a bunch of fatties waddle around and stuff their faces. in order to partake in the obesity, you have to buy tickets that will then allow you to buy food and drinks. so gay. so you have to get in line to buy 8 tickets for $5. then you get in another line to buy a wristband for a dollar. then you get in more lines so you can use your tickets to "buy" things. whatever. so we bought like $15 worth of tickets saturday night so we could drink. we met corey and erin downtown to hang out with them -- they bought a wad of tickets too. well, no one told us that ffg was going to quit serving beer at 9:30. who does that? so we were pissed. i bought a huge vanilla jack in the box milkshake on the way home to make up for the calories i missed out on from the beer. gah.
so our genius idea was to just go back on sunday. which is exactly what we did. dave and i slept with our wristbands on in hopes of saving 2 bucks, but the bastards changed colors the next day. erin and corey met us again so they could use up the rest of their tickets too. sweet. so we ended up getting wasted in the middle of the afternoon in the middle of downtown on a freaking sunday. we, too, waddled around with our beers just like the rest of the fatties. but we waddled out of drunkness, not out of fattness. gah, seriously, you'd feel so good about yourself if you saw the people that come out of their homes for food festivals. like, holy crap, i looked like miss america compared to some. okay, that's mean, but i mean, seriously, here's some of the shit we saw:
fat girl in duck slippers
fat girl in hippie pajama pants
fat old lady with high side ponytai
fat black man with blinky sunglasses that induce seizures
fat girl(s) with those stupid cropped jean jackets
7 foot tall fat black man
and a lot of exposed skin that really shouldn't have been exposed
there was also an abundance of emo kids walking around. seriously, i just want to feed them a cheeseburger, brush the back of their hair and give them a hug. dave on the other hand, would rather just kick their asses. so, some scrawny emo dude comes sulking by us and dave's like "gahhhh, i'm so eeeeemmmmoooo" in this bitchy, whiny voice. the guy turns around, all 86 pounds of him, and just stares at dave. dave was like "awww, don't get so bent out of shape, you can go cry about it later, don't worry." i had to laugh. so do you. emo is funny. i don't care who you are, even if you're emo, you know you're laughable.
so, we continued to use our beer tickets. dave was so smart that he even divided them into clusters of 4 because that was what a beer cost: 4 tickets. not $2.50, but 4 tickets. at some point, we only had like 3 tickets and dave really wanted to go ask if he could have 3/4 of a cup.
then we had this genius idea to just go to wild wings and drink beer there. it was cheaper, and there was cheaper food... and more of it. so we went there and drank our asses off some more. erin ended up with this fruity yellow pitcher of goodness that she downed herself. i was proud. so then we finally used up our last tickets, but not until after we went to see if we could ride the swings. unfortunately... well, actually, maybe it was fortunate, that the swings were only for little fatty kiddies. no adults, emo kids or obese moms allowed. so then we thought about stealing the big ass jager banner that was hanging up near the kiddie swings. we had no good way of removing it or hiding it once we would have stolen it, so we had to leave it. damn.
then we drank or last round of beers while sitting on a curb making fun of all the people that we made fun of for the past two days. getting drunk on sundays is cool.

Chocolate Shots of Death

last night we celebrated catherine's belated birthday. first we went to the mustard seed in mt. p with a group of her friends for some dinner and drinks. well, actually dave and i went for a bottle of wine. we were drunk by 9:00. we're lushes. and honestly, i'm still drunk. and its noon. i'm "working from home" today. so is dave. poor catherine. she's working at work.
okay after the mustard place. catherine, dave and i went to gene's. her friend charlie joined us, but he only made it through one jager bomb and one pumkin pie tasting beer before he peaced out on us. us three, however, closed the place down and made friends with bartender miranda. the curly haired one. you know, well, you probably don't. sorry, im drunk.
i came home with three receipts worth of funny shit. so here come the stories...
okay really, we started ordering shots like they were providing us with life. like, if we didnt drink them, we would die, when in actuality, because we drank so many, we might all die today. we really have to remember to chose life... well, catherine ordered the "chocolate cake" shot. eww. it actually does taste like chocolate cake, but i have issues with clearish shots (eww, i might not be able to write this blog right now because typing "shot" makes my stomach flop around a little.... time out)

okay, time in. well, the chocolate shot arrived and dave was like, "is this going to hurt my tooth?" see, dave has this tooth, a sweet tooth if you will, that makes him unable to eat anything chocolate because it hurts. sometimes i wish i had this tooth because i would be like 40 pounds skinnier... whatever. so he asked if it would hurt his tooth and my response is "no. it's going to hurt your world." i wasn't lying.
catherine got her pen out at this point and started to try to write on the table. well, instead of ink... it just kind of carved instead, so she went with that. now half of all of our names are on the table in genes. her logic was that if she only wrote half our names, no one would know it was us. i blame the chocolate shot for this logic. well catherine is carving and dave threw his knife onto the table...
dave: that's all i do at work!
both cather (as she so carved her name) and i both said at the same time: carve?
dave: no. i'm in a knife club.
the conversation continued. the shots continued as well. we had some royal flushes and bomby bombs and more vodka/waters, vodka/tonics and jack/cokes... and i guess we were talking about how dave might have to travel for work. this conversation happened:
dave: i might have to be in japan.
nic: ohhh??
dave: yeah. i told you about okanawa.
nic: okanawa is in japan? ... i thought it was like, in missouri...
catherine: okanawa, missouri.
all the while, keep in mind that we are shoved into this teeny booth back in the corner where miranda would sporadically appear with more drinkies. she came back with a fresh round and i started squeezing my lime so my vodka would taste like lime vodka instead of regular vodka and i completely squirted catherine in the eye. i know because she said "you just hit me in the eye!" i said, "oh noo!!" but catherine then told me, "no! i liked it." so it was okay that i hit her with acidic juice in her pretty little eye because she loves me.
between the three of us, we racked up a $133 tab. god we were drunk. we decided to walk back to catherine's house. its right behind gene's... i turned into a flippin thief. maybe i shouldn't tell this part of the story... oh who cares. so we're walking down the road and i yank this tiki torch-like candle pole out of some store's potted plant. then i sprinted while screaming, "uh oh! i hope i'm not on video!" i then came across a sign that said "vote for someone" in another potted plant. or perhaps a yard. i took that too. then i took a road cone. but then i traded it for a prettier road cone. i left all three objects next to catherine's door. um, happy birthday? we ate some cool-pops or icy pops or freezy pops or whatever the fuck pops you want to call them. and we just continued to laugh and be drunk and look at myspace and tell each other how much we love the other one. dave continued sharing his funny ass stories from high school that consist of how people got pooped on... he actually told that story because i think catherine said something like "i got spit on" and we heard "i got shit on" so then dave told the story of how a lot of his friends actually did get shit on at the same time by this guy in high school. eww. thats gross, im not tellng anymore of that. ask dave for details if you want them, what the hell was i talking about before this? damnit now i have to go reread what i wrote. oh yeah, cool-pops. they wer delicious. then we all walked back to gene's to get our cars. what the fuck, i know. why we didnt just take them in the first place is beyond me too. oh, before we left cather's house, haha, cather... i tried to stick the tiki pole into her yard. well, i failed to notice that the top part had this ceramic frog like fixture attached to it and so when i slammed it into the solid earth below, the fucking frog split in half and inevitably split my hand skin in half too. now i have this freaking cut across my hand. for a minute i thought i needed a hospital. im gay. the cut is less than a tucker scratch. and i probably deserve it for stealing the ceramic tiki frog pole anyway.
catherine told me that she tried to go to mcdonalds but even though they are open 24 hours, they were closed. fucking liars. but a number 10 is chicken and 11 is fish. thanks, catherine. told you so, dave! ha.
dave and i passed the fuck out. and apparently i took off all my clothes in a corner. i dont know why i stood in the corner, but i did. we woke up drunk as shit. seriously, catherine, i'm so sorry you had to work today.
that's disgusting. i was silly morning drunk and started clapping my feet.
nic: have you ever clapped your feet like a seal? (proceeded to make seal-barking noises)
dave: seals dont have feet!! gah! and then he rolled over on the floor and grunted at me. yeah, he just laid on the floor for like 2 hours this morning. mostly because i was diagonally across the bed and tucker kept attacking my toes so he was probably safer down there. then i tried to sit up, but i had to lay back down because i was too dizzy. nic: ooooh! i feel like a weeble wobble! don't you feel like a weeble wobble??
dave: i feel like crap.
nic: weebles wobble but they dont fall down!
now we are both laying on the living room floor reeking of vodka and death. i fucking love you dave and catherine. i love you too gene's. and vodka. and cool-pops. i fucking love cool-pops. the end.

Volcano Face

okay seriously, what the hell. okay, i get sucked into info-mercials, like, a lot. and one day or night, i don't remember and it's irrelevant anyway, i made dave watch the pro-active commercial with me. you know, you see all the ugly zitty people first then you see how beautifully they have transformed. whatever. so we decided we want to use it. no, i don't have bad skin and neither does he, we're just dumb and like to spend our money.
so during our $202 shopping spree at walmart the other night, dave picked up the loreal equivalent of pro-active. and we began to use it. well, i guess i didn't really read the warnings or ask dave what was going to happen, but ohmygod, i look like a 14 year old boy going through puberty! ugh. okay, maybe not that bad, but my face did explode a little. and that has never happened in my life. like, maybe once a month i might get a bump on my chin or forehead, but that's all. so having like 5 at once is just ungodly to me.
well, ha, it took me like 20 minutes to do make-up this morning so i could cover up my disasters... and there is this one mean one in particular. you know you've all had it too. its the one right under your nose. well, mine is so monstrous that my lip has actually swollen and now when i smile, well, my smile is crooked. i cannot make kissy lips because it hurts my zit. i cannot talk properly because it hurts my zit. i couldn't even brush my teeth normally. wtf. seriously. i'm so pissed. remind me to start saving my money and to not fuck with things that are not broken. like my face. gaaahh.

Let's Stand on Furniture & Drink

This past weekend Dave and I traveled (one hellacious journey, at that) to Clemson to see our favorites. We figured we could make a mini-engagement party out of it. Driving was a bitch. Seriously, why can't people get out of the passing lane when they are not passing? And why would you get into the passing lane when you can obviously see a truck coming at you doing about 90? Idiots. So needless to say, we were pissed by the time we got to the 102. It immediately got better, though -- like really, before we could park, Shawn was hugging Dave through the window and Erin was pretty much in my lap. Joe and Michael were screaming from the balcony. And I think Candle had her drink up in the air "woooing" at us. Damn, we have awesome friends.
So we proceed to drink some Evan and Cheerwine. Yes, it is actually a delicious combination. Who knew? Well, I guess Joe did since he made all of my drinkies for me. I think we were all drunker than we thought because the following things occurred, and I'm not certain of the order of the debachery:

1. Joe and I stood on the furniture and sang/screamed Toxic. We tried to pretend like we were at Karaoke Tuesday. Not quite the same. But at least it was the Nic and Joe show and not the __ and Joe show... as Joe put it when he attempted to perform without me one disasterous Tuesday night. Aww. I miss Ed Miller.
2. Someone decided that throwing poker chips into the ceiling fan was the best idea, like ever. So we started with the poker chips. Then we added a deck of cards. Then Joe's shoe. And then the tailgate chairs. Most everyone got something lobbed at their face. Thankfully we were all slightly numb from the "alcool" (as the Engrish ppt show depicted. I think only Joe and Catherine will understand that... but it's still funny and I'm not taking it out.)
3. Joe then thought it would be awesome to use his tongue, yes tongue, to stop the dusty ass fan blades. Apparently Joe's nose is longer than his tongue, though, because it was his nose that stopped the fan instead. Really, Joe, what the fuck were you thinking? I mean, it was funny as hell, so you do what you want.
4. Michael and I busted out the Cononie Shake. It was glorious.
5. Dave and I busted out the "River Runs Through It" dance. We need a better name for it... any suggestions? Jayson told us the next day that sometimes he's not sure if he should watch when we do that.
6. Joe gave Corey a shoe wedgy. And was eerily proud of this.
7. Michael, Joe and I ate cheese with some eggs and sausage underneath it. Best drunk breakfast ever. And sorry Dave, for using your head as my table... I guess you shouldn't fall asleep in my lap right before feeding time.
8. I had a back popping session with Shawn the chiropractor. I can stand up straight again. Thanks, Shawn.

More funny stuff probably happened. But I got drunk. It happens.
We tailgated all day Saturday. We were in Ingles at like 10:15 buying loads of beer and hamburgers. It was pretty. Not pretty funny. Just pretty. We brought a TV and Candle made a bomb ass playlist for us to rock out to all day. And we also brought the freakin Nintendo. Hell. Yes. For whatever reason though, my stomach decided to hate me, therefore causing me sobriety for the entire day. Boo. Dave had to stay sober too because he had to go the library because some doof he works with like completely crashed the entire system and Dave had to come to the rescue. Yay, Dave.
We basically just ate food and took pictures all day. Joe, Michael, Dave and myself decided to skip the game and play Mario instead. It was fabulous.
So yay for a good weekend with good friends and good times. I really miss Erin and Joe. Like whoa. But I guess I will settle for fabulous weekends if I must. Love you people. Oh yeah, and go Tigers! Way to kick some stupid LA Tech ass.

On a complete side note -- I apoligize for my use of capitalization. I have a job now that requires correct grammar... well, actually, they might not care, but I don't want to look like an idiot. So now I use the shift key again. Damn.

You've Been Online for How Long?

Okay, so I have gaim, the cooler version of aim, not really, it's just what Dave put on my computer. I like it. Whatever. Well, gaim lets you scroll over your buddy's names and it gives you info like what your away message is and how long you've been online and if you're idle. Woo. Well, I was mindlessly scrolling, and I stopped on Erin's name. This is what it said: Logged in: 49709 days, 14 hours and 9 minutes. What? So I sent her an IM that said this: I just clicked on your name and it said you've been logged in for 49709 days, 14 hours and 9 minutes. Have you even been alive that long? Seriously, is that even possible? I think gaim hiccuped and forgot how to calculate time.

He Proposed!

Sunday was the day before our one-year anniversary. Dave and I spent it at the pool with three of the coolest people on the planet: Candle, Catherine and Opie. We had some drinkies and just hung out. That night, Dave and I went to Sullivan's Island to eat at this restaraunt that Candle and Opie rave about called Poe's. Which by the way, was awesome. You can get rare burgers. Or medium rare.. how I like it. I got a little nervous when Dave was like "lets just go drive around," thinking that he had something planned. No. We actually just drove around.
We came home and started playing Nintendo. At 12:07, Dave came back into the living room (I think he had just been in the kitchen... or in the bedroom getting the ring...) and he said "Stand up." I was like "Why" He was like, "Stand up. I want to give you a hug. It's officially our anniversary." So I paused Dr. Mario and stood up to tell him I loved him so much and say happy anniversary. Dave then made some comment about how we will have the rest of our lives to play Nintendo... Then he took a deep breath, put his right hand in his pocket and as he was pulling out a ring box, he was getting down on one knee! I made some type of squealish noise and I think I said "Really?!" Then Dave said, "Will you marry me, Nicole?" and he opened the box to show me the ring. I actually only glanced at the ring and immediately said "Of course I will marry you!!" I held my hand out so he could put the ring on my finger and then I got down on my knees to hug him and kiss him. I was probably only kneeling for about 3 seconds before I was like "Um, can I sit all the way down because I'm really hot?" Typical Nicole. Seriously.
We sat down on the floor staring at the ring, then back at each other, then we would say "Oh my god, you're my FIANCE" By the way, fiance is our new favorite word of choice. The ring is so amazing. Dave's family has had diamonds for generations, so I get to wear the family jewels now. They are considered European cut (which resembles brilliant rounds) and the man who appraised the diamonds said he had never seen diamonds of this type more beautiful than the ones Dave had. Holy hell. The ring is 5 diamonds, platinum setting and 1.68 carats total. Seriously, I gained 3 pounds when I put that bling on my finger. He had it completely custom made. Because the diamonds are all unique, it took about 16 hours to design the ring. There is subtle, elegant engraving around the sides and the detail is absolutely amazing.
Dave told me that he had called to ask my Dad earlier that night to ask him if he could ask me to marry him. I absolutely love that he did the traditional thing and asked my Dad. And he was a sneak about it too. When we had come home from dinner, Dave grabbed the crossword puzzle and headed to the bathroom to do "business." I thought nothing of it. He came out really quickly though, so I asked if he was okay. He just said "false alarm" and I laughed at him and thought nothing of it. That's when he had gone to call my Dad. He said asked him and of course Dad said that he thinks the world of Dave and would love nothing more than for him to ask me to marry him and then Dave was like "Thank you so much. I have to go now because I am so nervous that I don't know what else to say." How freakin cute is that?!
We stayed up until 3:00 calling each other fiance and looking at my amazing new engagement ring. ENGAGEMENT RING! When I was brushing my teeth in the bathroom mirror, I paused only to say "It's like a rave when I brush my teeth," referring to how ridiculously shiny my 5, yes 5, diamonds are. Ohmygod, I'm so lucky!

I decided to skip class Monday night to officially celebrate our "new" anniversary -- the day David proposed. He took me out to Shem Creek to eat at this really nice restaraunt called Water's Edge. We ordered a bottle of wine, had crab dip, grouper, filet mignon and the most amazing peach creme brulle ever. Of course we ended up getting a buzz from our decievingly large bottle of wine that I had picked out. Of course I picked the one with the naked tree ladies on the label too. Hey whatever, the crazy tree nudests got us tipsy; so we ran with it. We went downtown to Henry's to grab some drinks and then retreated back to Gene's to finish out the night. We played Engagement Connect Four, Engagement Yahtzee and Engagement Scrabble. Which basically meant, we didn't really keep score and we just kept talking about being each other fiance. Oh we were so fabulously sappy. Love it.
Neither of us cried. I think we were too happy to cry. And both of us agree that we are in shock about it all. I mean, I look at this ring and say "Dave is my fiance" and I just can't believe it's true. I'm going to marry my perfectly ideal finance. FIANCE! Dave is my FIANCE! We're ENGAGED! HOLY FREAKIN CRAP! I didn't know that I could love someone like this and I didn't know I could be this happy. I thank God for putting Dave in my life. He is my soulmate. And now I get to be with him forever.

Bubble Bobblers

as many of you know, dave and i are disgustingly obsessed with nintendo; mostly bubble bobble and dr. mario. like obsessed to the point where are eyes start to cry involuntarily because we've been staring at the gorgeous 42 in. plasma for an absurd number of hours...

we've gotten so good that we can get to level 57 in bubble bobble without ever using a continue. oh yeah, that's serious. and we can beat the main boss guy at the end like whoa. only took us 23 years to figure out how... and we only figured it out by consulting jeeves.

well, whatever, we were playing, as usual, the other night and dave kept stealing all the fruit. i was getting pissed. so i push him while sitting on the floor next to him. he pushed back and like almost knocked my head off. here was our conversation about the pushing:
nicole: what the hell?!
dave: i'm trying to teach you a lesson
nicole: in what? sumo wrestling?
dave: (dramatic pause and then mumbles under breath) you assumo.
i was no longer pissed off at all, but rather confused and slightly amused too. needless to say, i don't think i really cared what happened in the game after that because i was too busy trying to figure out just where out of his ass he pulled that comment. and that's one of the million reasons i love that guy...

The Octopus VS. The Pineapple

friday night was really great because we got to hang out with emily and michael, whom of which i miss dearly. we were at tommy condons with the spawar boys and this crazy kilt-wearing band that had a really big tamborine-like drum with its own microphone. well, the kilt band produced music fit for dancing... dancing for those 40 and older and with no talent, that is. well, this one fat couple started spinning each other around, and we were at the table closest to the twirling, so of course we could do nothing but watch. emily turns to me, and in all seriousness, asks "is that an octopus shirt or a pineapple shirt?" i then studied the blue and white printed shirt intently for a solid 30 seconds before responding with my answer, "both."
okay seriously, it was like one of those magic eye pictures where if you look at it one way its some creepy old witch lady and turn it the other way and it's a cactus. i swear this man had pineapples and octopi all over his wretched shirt. i actually wrote this conversation down on my receipt so i would be sure to remember its funniness in the morning.
we then decided that it was time for gene's; we were in dire need of some connect four and tic-tac-toe. apparently, if all else fails in life, i can be the world champion connect four player, because for some reason, i'm really good. that was at least established after several rounds of drinkies; so you know, who really knows if i'm good. well tic-tac-toe became a favorite around the table, too. emily and michael were playing for a long time and started to seriously strategize for the win against each other. here is a detailed picture and description of the most ridiculously humorous tic-tac-toe play in all of history:

i don't know whose idea it was to put children's games in a bar, but it was the most fucking ingenius idea ever. ever. ever. if i could buy stock in gene's bar, i would. so really, seven grown people sat around a table on a friday night and paid more attention to who was going to win a board game than what drink they should try next. maybe they did this so people wouldn't get as wasted, because if you have to pay attention to something, like winning a serious game of connect four, then you are less inclined to get so shitfaced that you pass out on your little red playing pieces. huh, huh? yeah, that's logic right there. gene knew what he was doing.

so we finally got kicked out of the bar and came home. dave and i think its possible that we were naked before we got in the door (not because we wanted to have the sex. gah. but because we absolutely hate to smell like smoke). so our clothing was strewn about the front door area, we took a shower and decided we needed some late night discovery channel. well, we fell asleep, for 3 damn hours, scrunched up on our unconfortable couch... gross. so we got up at 6 am and ran to the bedroom and passed out for 3 more hours. we were still drunk most of the day saturday. it was stellar.

Joe's Bright Idea

okay, in class on wednesday night, we got a little break so of course i turned to myspace to see if i had received any exciting messages, friend requests or comments... and i did! i opened my new messages to find one labeled "funny story" from joe. i thought it might be a chain-like story, or just something random. well, it was definitely random and a lot funnier than i was expecting it to be... so i ended up doing to silent, shake-your-shoulders-violently laugh in the middle of the classroom because of the following story from our favorite maniac, joe. so here it is, straight from the crazy man himself. enjoy:

so today i was at work and one of the machines broke, ok so i broke it but that's not the point, anyway i look around and the only tool available is a hammer, so....i proceed to fix it with that, after a few minutes my boss comes running into the room to see what the racket is and finds me wailing on this $30,000 machine and has a heart attack (i did not know it cost that much). he then asks in a not so calm manner what the hell im doing, i reply 'fixing it, it broke' i neglect to tell him just how it broke, he kinda flips out and says a hammer is not the way to go about fixing this, i respond with 'well, thats how i fixed it all the other times' right around here he has his second heart attack, then asks how many times ive beat the contraption, i respnd: 'uh......not many...a few....im pretty sure just once', then he made me get the machine guy and we fix it together, at which point the machine guy shows me the hidden locking pin which is all i needed to pull, tricky stuff, anyway im no longer allowed to use hammers at work.

jitterbug
*and yes he wrote jitterbug for no apparent reason at the end. can you now understand why he is my best friend?

White Trash Bash, Ya'll!

last night was the long-awaited, first annual white trash bash at the home of our dearly beloved, catherine. everyone was required to look as white trash as possible, drink from a keg of busch light, brown bag their mad dog 20/20 or pbr tall boy, and swig boone's farm. i mean damn, y'all we partied like we were some kinda rockstars. candle, opie, dave, michael and myself roll up in our camo, tacky ass nascar shirts and hideous eye shadow, only to find that catherine has left her own party because when she bought the keg, she forgot to buy the tap. oops. yes, this was an indication of how the night was going to progress.
as soon as catherine arrived, we did some jello shots to honor her presence and talked as redneck as we damn well knew how. shoot. there was beef jerky, twinkies on toothpicks, swiss rolls on toothpicks, treet (which is imitation spam for those of us who were unfamiliar with the substance) tatertots and squirt cheese (as i call it. not easy cheese) all at our disposal. putting easy cheese on the beef jerky became the thing to do once opie introduced the idea to the party.

we started taking pictures like we were never going to see each other again and wanted to be sure to remember what each other looked like... at one point i gave my camera to the man with the neon racecar shirt and pornstache and we all struck a ridiculous pose as we waited for the flash. bubba's friend bobby stuck his finger in the way of the camera and without any hesitation, i scream "get your finger out of there!" this shocked some people who were unaware of the current situation.... and this also cracked jayson up beyond all reason. like really, i'm not sure if i ever saw him double over and laugh that hard before. which, in turn, caused everyone else to crack the fuck up. we continued taking terrible pictures, no surprise.
catherine disclosed to me today that she has this "deal" where when she throws a party, she feels completely compelled to do a shot with everyone at the party; and about 6 shots with the special ones. um. not good. there were many times, because of catherine's "deal" that she decided she needed a time out and in the middle of our conversation, she chose to sit down on the floor, mid sentence. i would always just squat down with her like it was normal and ask "you okay?" and then continue on with our mindless conversation. which usually consisted of a lot of "i love yous" and "you are my favorite" and "want another shot" and "i love you more." we're sappy drunks, what can i say. during our floor conversations, there were times when we had to avoid the random redneck dog. catherine walked in and was like "dude, i don't even know whose dog that is." but he was welcome because he dressed for the occassion in his gamecocks tshirt and rebel flag bandana. we never figured out who brought the dog. he was sweet though, so we let him hang out.

oh yeah, and if you looked at the pictures, i'm sorry, but there are a few that i simply cannot explain. one that i can explain however, is the one of candle looking completely shocked and catherine behind her with her hand on candle's ass. literally. catherine managed to put her hand on candle's bare ass and it completely caught candle off guard and caused a ton of drunk laughter. i'd venture to say they were booty dancing, but there's no guarantee. they could have just been having a random "i love you" conversation when boom. hand on the ass. no explanation. also, to further explain the magnitude of our drunkness, catherine woke up today with a phone, but no phone battery. seriously, how the fuck can a person only lose the battery? too funny.

dave partook in the shots that everyone kept doing. i chose to do shots of boone's farm instead of vodka. wussy. but the first time they were all going to do a vodka shot, dave is like "catherine! i have to do this over the sink because i really don't know what is going to happen!" no pukey. success. though the sink did become the place of choice to take shots. lushes. after dave's shotfest, he decided to become an even more awesomely bad redneck by bringing back the "double hat" look. you know, one bill forward, one bill backward. and he seriously thought he was a genius for this. in every picture for a good 10 minute photo shoot, dave was like "i have to stand sideways so everyone can see my hats" and proceeded to tell us this everytime a picture was taken. dave then decided we needed to dance. in the middle of the kitchen. in front of the entire party. but see, dave and i have a special dance that we learned one afternoon while watching "a river runs through it" when brad pit was dancing with this girl in a bar. allow me to elaborate: dave and i smash our bodies together, facing one another. we wrap our arms completely around each other and say "go." at this point we begin to violently swivel our hips in a clockwise circle simultaneously while leaving our feet firmly planted in one spot. we do this repeatedly until we laugh so hard that we start to sweat and get overheated and have to get off of each other before we pass out. we're seriously doing this dance at our wedding. no question.
i now cannot recall what happened in what order for the rest of the night because i had drank about 5 solo cups of busch light and did more shots and swigs than i could count. and i had drank about 5 or 6 beers before we ever got the the trash bash. woo. it was mostly wandering around the kitchen, eating twinkies and slim jims and sitting down randomly with catherine for "breaks." the only thing missing from this party was joe long. i said that too. and i meant it. move now, please? to show just how wasted we all were, we left the party at like 12:45. we're so old and drunk these days. we came home and ate the shit out of cheesesticks and cheese sandwhiches. it's frightening just how well we all pull off the white trashness. i'm ready for round two when you crazy bitches are. yeefuckinghaw.

Sake To Me

there's this bar in west ashley called gene's and it is, by far, the most brillant bar i've ever encountered. here's why: they have table shuffle board, approximately 200 beers to chose from and mother effing connect four. no, i am not even kidding. they make a bar that has connect four at it. and you can play it while you drink your fabulous new favorite beer called purple haze. (yay, catherine finally suggested a good drink... haha) seriously, i don't know the last time i had that much fun. catherine got everyone shitfaced with her 9 rounds of shots... to the point where we wrote all over the coasters and proceeded to steal them. we also attempted to add our initials to the bathroom wall, but you see, our keys were not sufficing as well as we had hoped.
here was catherine's suggestion: well i have matches! we could burn our names into the wall!
my response: no catherine, that will burn down the bar.
catherine: oh yeah, you're right.
told you we were shitfaced. we basically just took like 20 pictures of us being drunk and cracked up all night. and apparently all kinds of funny stuff was said, but the only thing anyone can remember is me saying "if i had arm hair, it would be standing up right now!" in response to taking a violent shot of something...
okay, this is a little random and it may be hard to explain, but i seriously have to attempt to tell you people this. i makes me look like a moron, but its worth it. okay, so for months, catherine has been telling me that i need to try sake. well, everytime i read this, i pronounced it as saaake (long a). one day i asked dave "what's saaake? because catherine keeps talking about it." he laughed for about 10 seconds and then said, "you mean sah-key?"

oohhhhh. i get it now.

seriously, i thought i was smarter than that. and i mean, i really went for months wondering what type of drink this saaake was. okay, well to make it even awesomer, i was in target today and they have a freaking shirt that says "sake to me" you better believe i bought that shit. i'm wearing it tonight when we go eat sushi and talk about sake. and by the way, sake is gross, but the fact that i called it saaake and not sah-key for like 90 days, it completely ridiculous. and that is blog-worthy by my standards..

Water Water, Everywhere

so i almost busted my ass in the kitchen on a huge puddle of water. wtf? yeah. i actually said that. apparently our awesome washing machine has decided to throw up all over the kitchen. maybe my kitchen is just preparing itself for the frickin hurricane that is coming to charleston. it's like night of the water war all over again, except this time there are no humans with pots of water running around, just the aftermath that was left on the floor is here (which is a lot less fun than pots of water to throw, by the way). the citadel already cancelled classes for thursday because of it. and dave and i just realized that our apartment complex is in one the mother effing flood zone areas.
but back to the washing machine issue...i'm here by myself all day. with tucker. which means all i have to deal with today is a flooded kitchen and gigantic bugs that tucker brings inside. i mean, all i wanted to do was be a sweet, domestic little house wife, apparently though, that is too much to ask.
and that was going to be my life's backup plan. shit.

oh yeah, and my cure for the flooded kitchen comes in the form of a giant pink towel... to soak up the water... which i fully intend to leave in that exact spot until dave gets home to fix it.

The Attack Cat

um, tucker just came in from the porch with these two monster wings dangling from his jaw. and he took the beastly bug back to his food bowls. and now all i hear is bzzzz bzz bzzzz bzz bzbz bzz because i assume that he has released the bug from his mouth and is now smacking him furiously into the wall. i am afraid to go look... based on the loudness of the bug wings, i would venture to say he is large and pissed off.
oh wait, tucker just brought him to me. my theories were correct. he is large, pissed off and quite frightening. i have to leave the room now for fear that i might die if the thing actually takes flight.

Salami Sandwiches & Speed Boats

who else is sick of driving, raise your hand? good lord, i feel like i live in the car! blah. dave and i went to waynesville this weekend, which is only a 4 hour drive, but i've been doing 4 hour drives all summer, so they make me want to puke now. well actually the drive was a little longer because we had to stop at denny's. i mean we HAD to... it's denny's and we love it. and its so ridiculous because it's not like either of us is just going for the sake of the other; we both are seriously obsessed with denny's pancakes. that how we know we are meant to be: our extreme passion for everything denny's. the day i figure out how to order country fried steak and apple pancakes will be the most glorious day. (no catherine, it's no biscuitville, but i mean, it's frickin denny's and you gotta love that.)
so i got to meet a lot of dave's family (finally). i mean, it's been a year, i suppose i should know who these people are. apparently there was a big rumor going around that dave was going to propose to me saturday, so we were all sitting around the kitchen table and everyone was just kinda staring at us... waiting. nothing happened. dave was like "yeah, let me finish eating my salami and cheese sandwich real quick then i'll get on my knee... not exactly the perfect place to propose." ha, thanks babe. the idea did cross my mind though. it made my hands sweat.
so i got the shit beat out of me on the lake sunday. it was sweet. jeff (dave's dad) pulled me on the "Y" which is like a big tube, but instead its in the shape of a "Y" and it goes by the name of "Y-not." well y-not threw my ass off twice. well, actually i guess it was jeff's doing... anyway, i thought i was going to semi drowned one time because i went under water and i didn't really understand where i was or what just happened. and my arms almost got pulled out of their sockets. you know when the driver decides to take the boat in a circle and it throws you to the side of the wake and makes you bounce like 5 feet in the air? well, yeah, that happened and i was trying to be a hardass and hang on. or maybe i was just too scared to let go. needless to say, i was thrown and went under water and got a ton of it up my nose. i was seriously disoriented when i came to the surface. and being the stubborn ass that i am... i got back on and did it all again. this time though, i was able to hold on when jeff tried to throw me off, it wasn't until y-not decided to fucking flip over that i fell off. i was pissed that i made it that far and then just all of a sudden got flipped over. wtf. and i got some serious wind/sun burn. so now i look super sexy. ha.
so yay for dave's family, salami sandwiches, and speed boats. super good weekend.

People Change

i feel like i've grown up a lot in the past year or two, and for a few good reason. i graduated college, began grad school, got serious with dave and moved in with him, and just stopped acting like i was still 21. i feel like most of my friends have grown up the way i have, also. it's hard to explain, but it seems that the love and respect we have for each other has grown too - especially the respect.
i guess i'm just at a point where i realize that some people aren't going to change. they will continue to use me and walk all over me and just expect me to be there whenever needed. and that smells like bullshit, if you ask me. i think i am a really genuine person and a very good friend. hell, i know i am. and it's not fair to feel like some people abuse that. yeah it's true that i don't hold grudges and i will always give second, third... ninth chances, but that doesn't mean that you should allow yourself to let me give you that ninth chance, you know? i'm sick of it.
it's sad because i know i've grown apart from people that i used to be really close with. or at least i feel differently about them, mostly for the reasons i listed above just about feeling walked all over. and another thing that totally pisses me off is to hear that someone is "only friends with dave for nicole's sake." really? what the fuck? you know, if you don't like him, or can't even try to like him and you are supposed to be one of my closest friends, then fuck you. i'm going to marry this man and if all you have to say is negative things about him, then either don't be friends with us anymore, or get over it. because i'm not just nicole anymore, i come with dave now. we're a couple and we are always going to be. do not insult either of us.
i realize this is one of the angriest blogs i've written, but i feel too strongly to not write about it. it's shitty to know that i always gave someone the benefit of the doubt, even when other people would speak poorly, and in return, i get belittled. i end up feeling like shit by someone whom i've stuck up for time and time again. and what do i get out of it? looking at it, it seems like things just changed, i guess. or maybe i just see things for what they really are finally... i'm sad and hurt and angry. i was a good friend.

Sleep Conversations

i want to share with you the conversation dave and i had at some point in the middle of last night:

nic: you have to reach higher!
dave: why? what?
nic: i shouldn't have to explain it to you. [sigh] you should know.
dave: what do you need me to reach for.
nic: i cannot believe you are asking me this! if you don't know then i'm not telling you!
dave: nic, i don't know what you want.
nic: if you don't know by now then just forget it.
dave: nicole, what are you talking about?
nic: what? damnit. i think i am asleep.
dave: you asked me to reach higher, what for?
nic: lives.
dave: what? lives?
nic: for mario.
dave: bursting into laughter
nic: don't touch me i'm hot!
dave: okay.
nic: sorry, i guess i was talking in my sleep. don't touch me.
dave: um, okay? goodnight?
nic: grunt.

needless to say, i have no idea what was actually going on in my dream or what provoked me to freak out in my sleep. dave and i did, however, play mario 3 for hours on end last night, which may account for my need for more "lives" if you will. wtf

i don't think you can actually title what happened this weekend

and for my next trick... i will attempt to recreate this past weekend using as many descriptive words as possible. prepare yourself. this is going to be a ride. a really twirly, messy, drunk ass ride.
joe long paid charleston a visit thursday night whereupon it was only natural to get wasted. dave and i hosted a mini pregame party that included joe, candle, opie, jayson, megan and our new friend keenan. we pounded our way through half a bottle of jager, one and a half bottles of champagne and god only knows how much evan williams and beer. all before 10:30.
opie hauled our asses downtown. jayson hauled joe with him. ah, long lost jayson. what a nice addition to the debauchery. we got the sweet corner booth in purple tree. and then we were approached by a large camera with a bearded man behind it asking to take pictures of our cool as group of friends. by the way we were posing and screaming and cheesing, you would think that we had never been in front of a freakin camera before. so now we are plastered all over some website somewhere *no pun intended. great. actually, that's not really surprising.

after this, everything got hazy and for the sake of pride, i will leave names out of the following situations that took place: someone got insanely drunk/sick and i played puke fairy (how many times is that, 502, now? ugh) for a good hour or so while i held others hostage for moral support; there was crying mostly on my behalf because i was afraid that i too would get pukey, mostly from being around all the pukey, and i'm a real wimp when it comes to everything pukish; a dude slapped another dude in the face; two people almost got arrested... one of which got thrown slightly through a window, well actually this person's elbow was thrown through a window; clothing was lost; bartabs for each person were over $50; there was a dance off (well, okay, it was a pretend dance off from the nic and joe show. but i mean, i thought it was funny as hell); a noise violation was acquired; somehow a candle exploded in my living room,where i ended up spending about an hour with a roll of papertowels and an iron steaming the wax off my effing glass table; a cab driver was forced to listen to someone's life story (that was my fault, i needed a counselor of my own by the end of the night). and keep in mind all of this occurred between the people mentioned above plus one more person...
which brings me to the most exciting point of this entire blog: I MET CATHERINE! As many many of you know, catherine and I both dated the same doof from columbia who stands about 7 feet tall and has the ability to make a human feel about 7 inches tall. her a i have been "online" friends (how cheesy) for the past 2 years. and i mean, i really thought she was the shit but i was afraid i'd never have the opportunity to actually meet her in person. low and behold, my ass is standing at the bar at purple tree trying to order some maniac shot when i hear "niiicooolllee!" and it was catherine! we hugged each other like we were long lost elementary school pals. which is what she really does feel like because we've been "friends" for so long. the night turned into a whirlwind of applebombs, buttery nipples, and some red fruity shots. seriously, this girl is so awesome. we ended up kidnapping her... well actually she came with us willingly back to our apartment. we remained drunk and out of control until the wee hours. so we all woke up friday feeling like death's cousin. joe came to the rescue and ordered some fucking fantastic breakfast burritos from sonic. heaven. pure sweet heaven wrapped up in a soggy tortilla. i ate two. it was glorious.
we basically did the same thing again the next night, minus purple tree. i personally temporarily banned us from the bar due to our actions the night before. catherine, jayson, candle and opie came back over to entertain joe, dave and myself. i seriously love these people. we pounded through some evan and i was half cross eyed by the time catherine got there...and she didn't come empty handed. she came bearing gifts... from satan himself...[insert doom music here] she brought motherfucking tequila. ewwww. um, needless to say i was the puker that night. but i bounced back like a damn champ and came back to party after i got done caressing the toilet. gross. my drink of choice was water after that. i can't really tell you anymore of like what was said or what was funny because you know, honestly, i was just that drunk.
when i woke up, i opened the door to find the boobah standing there. dave and i cracked the hell up and the proceeded to pirch the demon in front of joe's door because well, duh, he put it in front of ours. then my phone jingles, i dance a little, and then i read my jingly little message. it's from catherine. she had woken up about 3 minutes after she was supposed to be at work and when she got in her car to speed home, she ran into a detour: tequila. she, too, had to puke. only her experience was worse, because instead of a toilet, she had a side of road to comfort her. i laughed. then i felt bad, but then i laughed again when she told me that she laughed too. bad tequila, bad!
so what is it now, saturday night? yes, yes it is. do you know what we did on this night? oh it was fabulous... we willingly went to participate in the viewing of motherfucking snakes on a motherfucking plane. there is only one word for this movie: ridiculous. the entire 2 hour experience was all worth it when mr. samuel l. said those infamous words: i'm tired of these mother fucking snakes on this motherfucking plane! the whole place cracked up. some even clapped. i think i was a clapper. ass-o-nine. we came back and drank more. i don't really know how. dave and i wussed out around 2:30 and the rockstars catherine and joe devised a brilliant plan to throw water balloons at hookers. but they ran into two problems: they could not find water balloons and they could also not find hookers. so apparently they spend the night on a curb at the battery swigging champage. can someone get them a trophy or something? jesus.
we pigged out on greasy, wonderful baroni's italian heaven the next morning thanks to catherine. well, by "morning" i mean like 2:00 pm, but that's neither here nor there.
i can honestly say that this was one of the funniest weekends of the year. i had such a shitty summer and i really needed to be with friends this weekend. and now that i have catherine to add to my bomb ass friend list, not only is my year better, my life is better. woo! so thank all of you for a freakin good ass weekend. and extra thank yous to candle and catherine for letting me cry a lot this weekend. both of you were so wonderful, and i really needed to be surrounded by good people, so thanks.
so yeah, my friends are the shit. and we're awesome. can we do it again? real soon? love the hell out of you guys.

A Mini Hair Horror

okay i attempted to highlight my hair a few hours ago. i wanted to put in this reddish color because i thought it would add to the nikkita look. yeah right. instead i came out with these chunks of blonde/copper/brassy gnarley looking pieces of crap. holy.shit. i was freaking out. so i ran to target with my hair soaking wet, no makeup and shorts and a tshirt. when i got there i realized i had forgotten to put on underwear. whatever. i was in and out of that bitch with some dark brown hair color in 6 minutes. seriously. i sped home and i am now currently waiting for the 25 minutes it takes to undo my stupid idea. i just hope my hair doesn't fall out. and because i did this little craft in a fit of hurry, i am now covered with these blackish splotches on my arms, neck and stomach, too actually. i managed to rip my shirt off before dying my hair because it's always a real pain in the ass to have a mound of hair dye solution in a pile on top of my head and then try to remove a shirt without getting the shit on it. damnit. so, now it's time to go wash it out. cross your effing fingers. i really don't want to look like a dumbass tonight.

Nothing Comforting or "Suite" Here

because i am such a good girlfriend, i went with dave to lexington, north carolina this past weekend so he could take an emt refresher course. i was there for moral support and entertainment. he booked a room at the comfort suites for like $93 a night. this would lead most people to believe you will be staying in a decent hotel. well, sike. this place was grunge city. we got there around midnight thursday night and we parked the car. of course we just happened to pick the parking spot right in front of the room with the half naked obese man standing in the doorway watching us while scratching his fat hairy belly. eww. wtf. dave's like "um, go to the room and i'll come back later." so we went up the stairs. luckily our "suite" was on an inside hallway. we have issues with doors that open straight to the outside. we're prissy, whatever.
so we get on our hallway, and it smells like indian people and clorox. we get to our room, open the door, and again are completely smacked in the face with that inviting scent. and it felt musky. grooooss. i seriously avoided touching the floor at all costs. i refused to sit on the comforter and would only sit on the sheets if i had to. the little table was dingy and there was no way in hell i was sitting my pretty ass on the couch. and i really do think they had a video camera above the shower in the bathroom. i was completed creeped out. then i got to sit there all day by myself friday while dave was in class. ugh. i had planned to go work out at the gym or lay by the pool, but you know, based on who we were greeted by thursday night...i chose life. i only got up to look out the peephole twice. you know, just to make sure or whatever.
i refused to sit in the room on saturday and since check out time was 11 and dave wouldn't be done until later than that, there was no way i was going to just hang out in the lobby or something by myself. no effing way. so i came to emt class and played tetris on dave's phone for about 5 hours. we got there at 8:30 and we had to sit there until 1:00 so everyone could do their little hands on tests. omg, people are dumb, by the way. i mean, the accents that these bitches had was unreal. hick as shit. and so annoying. kinda makes me worry that it will be these people who pick my ass up in the ambulance the day i crack my skull or something. not real comforting. kinda like the hotel... not comforting at all.
so dave got an a because he's smart and we finally got to leave skeezeville. yuck. so my advice to you is this: do not go to lexington, nc. all you will find is sketchy hotels, a duracell battery factory and a restaurant called biscuitville.

The Un-Tooth Fairy

i went to the dentist today. it was miserable. it's actually still miserable. i had to get about 8 shots in my mouth so they could numb me so that they could replace my old ugly silver fillings, give me new ones, seal some of my groovy (not groovy as is austin powers, groovy as in too many grooves) teeth and even fill a cavity (which i was extremely embarrassed about). i went in at 11, got done at 1. it is now 4 and i am still numb. i tried to drink some milk and drooled on my arm. i also have tried to talk to dave a few times and certain words, such as "teeth" come out sounding like "teetsch" i've developed a temporary lisp so it seems... serves me right, since i always make fun of lispschs. whatever, this shit hurts. someone really needs to bring me a milkshake. even though i probably cant eat it because my mouth wouldnt know what to do with a straw because it cant feel itself... so bring me a spoon too. gah.

Ants, Eagles & Alcohol

we had this massive family reunion at the beach last week. my mom's side of the family, minus her alcoholic brother and 98 year old grandmother all made it down from deleware or raleigh to carolina beach, north carolina. we stayed in this friggin mansion of a place called skipper's crew. even clicking on the link doesn't really do it justice... but needless to say, it was the mother effing bomb.
so dave and i drove up there tuesday night when i got out of class. which meant we were driving in the middle of the damn night. we began our 4.5 hour/310 mile journey at 10:30 pm. idiots. i drove. well everything was cool or whatever until we get on this road named "74" or "76" it was both. whatever. probably because it was uber sketchy. first, we were the only car on the road. period. and it was all foggy and creepy as shit. and dark. we thought we might run over wombats. don't ask. so we pass this huge field filled with life-size figurines of like yogi bear and betty boop. what? i mean, are they serious? two questions came to mind: (1) who the fuck lives out here to put this shit here and (2) who would drive all the way the fuck out here to purchase this shit? wtf. i almost ran off the road. seriously. so weird.
next, a few miles up, we pass the only house on the road that is across the street from the only towing company. the house had a minimun of 20 cars parked in front. you know those canibals throw down spike strips, or as i referred to them - spokes - and made cars like me wreck and then then capture the passengers, kill them, eat their brains and keep their damn cars. crazy bastards. and they use the tow truck in case there is a struggle of sorts. you know it's true. go watch the hills have eyes or wolf creek. it happens, man.
then we passed the strip club a few miles after that. a little puple shack that said something like "wanda's exotic dancing." well, apparently wanda was allowing illegal sex acts and drug participation to occur with her customers and exotic dancers because we saw the little purple hut later that week on the local news being raided by the cops. they took those hookers to jail. crazy hookers.
and a few miles after that we thought we were possibly being attacked. there was this flashing strobe-like light flashing so brightly that i thought it might be god. or a ufo. unfortunately, it was nothing that interesting, just some skeezy antenna with a strobe light affixed to the top. i nearly ran off the road again. i thought it was jesus, man. you'd run off the road too. then i thought it might be the the crazy canibals and got all flustered and i had to turn the air up because i started sweating. and we still had a good two hours to go...
lucky for us, nothing else creepy happened and we were soon done with the road from hell. for entertainment purposes, we chose to speak like pee wee herman and scream nonsense such as "giant underpants!" it never got old. mostly because we were delirious.
we finally got to the house at 3:00 am. whereupon we had to take the motherfucking elevator to our floor. that's how sweet this place was... we had an elevator. be jealous. and as the elevator doors opened for the first time, i was greeted by the sweet sweet saying of "its five o'clock somewhere" in what appeared to be my handwriting on some cute little artsy fartsy sign. foreshadowing at it's finest.
we were awaken the next morning to aunt barbie and aunt janice staring at dave and i saying "oooh he's cute." poor dave. i warned him though. he knew the murphy side was nuts. dave slept most of the day, i got sunburnt and rode some gnarley waves on my boogie board. when i came in later, famished and crispy, dad informed me that my car had been attacked. by mother fucking ants. oh hell no. apparently dave left a tasty coke can in the car and the bastards found it. all 8 billion of them. seriously, every single ant that was at carolina beach was on my car that day. gross. we eventually bought ant killer and sprayed the bitches to death. now everytime i get in my car i get a little high from the lingering fumes. again, gross. and there are little dead ant bodies on my dash and console because i have yet to vacuum. gross.
that night, we got waaaaasted. my cousin david went to pick up his way awesome girlfriend, loren, from the airport that night and they were supposed to be back around 9:00. well the doorbell rang around 9:00, so me, my dave and michael got on the elevator with our whiskey and rode the bitch down. however, it was not david and loren to greet us. it was this poor confused delivery girl. we invited her to ride the elevator with us to find out who ordered food. someone on the first floor did. so at least she came to the right house. i know she thought we were insane. i mean, we were, we were all sunburned and drunk. and we had a stool in the elevator incase anyone got too drunk and had to sit down while riding. dave took advantage of this.

loren and david finally arrived. and we continued our drunkfest. we were supposed to not cuss because my little cousin david (yes, another one -- there were 4 daves total this week) was on the couch next to us in the kitchen. that kid heard every word under the sun that night. and we'd always sssssshhh each other after we said 'fuck' or something, which only exaggerated the fact that we said fuck. eh well. at least he won't be naive...
so at some random moment, david the big cousin got on the elevator. when the elevator came back up, it was empty. it completely baffled us that no one was there... remember, we were really drunk and apparently forgot to remember that there were two other floors in which david could have gone on. whatever. so loren and i get on the elevator. i pull the stool over because i know i am way too wasted to actually stand while riding this machine. we go down to the first floor where some of the cousins and aunts are... i peek my head out of the doors and i'm basically cracking up and loren tells me in the loud drunk whisper to "be quiet and they won't see me" what? does that even make sense. either way, we didn't speak to anyone that saw us and just shut the doors and went back upstairs. david eventually returned from his adventure.
later, i wanted to suggest that we send things to different floors via the elevator. you'd think we'd never seen a damned elevator the way we wanted to play with it. so okay, there was this gigantic silver statue in the corned of the cute blue and yellow beachy living room... of a mother effing bald eagle. really? wtf. this thing had a wing span the legnth of at least one of my arms and had to weigh at least 695 pounds. an estimate, of course, but definitely something like that. between being so drunk i had to sit down for the elevator ride and not being able to control the volume of my voice, i concluded that attempting to move the laquered beast statue may prove to be a very unwise decision. the bird continued to stare at us for the remainder of the night from its creepy little corner. i never got to let it ride in the elevator. poor bird.
the rest of the week we didn't drink nearly as much, but instead spent most of our time fighting the waves on our wicked boards. i got pretty beat up a few times by the sand and my boobs fell out once, i think it was overall unsuccessful, but it was really fun to act like i was 7 years old. oooh and i got to eat like 2 pounds of freakin crab legs. if i had to replace sex with one thing, it would be crab legs. actually, i might take that back. because i mean, i like sex, and crab legs are nothing like it, however they are equally as good, well almost, on a totally different playing field. whatever, the damned crustation was good. that's all i'm trying to say. gah.
we only got to stay through friday, but it was super fun to see my crazy family and let them all meet dave. i think there was a total of 22 of us in the house. i mean, the bitch could sleep like 25, had 8 bedrooms, 8 bathrooms, 3 decks, a pool, an elevator and a wicked awesome platinum eagle. what more could you ask for? and it was ocean front. we win.

Hey Rookie You're so Fine

i made a rash decision. well kinda. i mean, i guess it was mildly planned out. whatever. i pierced my left rook. or, got it pierced, i should say. if you don't know what a rook is, go google it. it's hot.

The Second Best Man in my Life

i just wanted to let you know, that right now, at this very moment... i am getting waaaaasted with dave. (he's the first best man in my life). and the term waaaaasted has been coined by joe long, for those that do not know.
evan williams is my second favorite man. and i owe my drunkness to him. yessss.
and i really wanted to write this blog mostly so i could use the little "drunk" mood guy. ha.

Say What?

can you hear me now? okay so i changed my phone number last week for two reasons, (a) i moved to charleston and wanted a local number, (b) i don't want sleezy ex-boyfriends or weirdos to have my number anymore. legitimate enough. so the phone works for a week. sweet. on monday i tried to call dave while driving back to simpsonville and instead of your typical "ring ring" i hear, "thank you for using america's roaming network. you will be charged $2.99 per call and $1.99 once the call has connected." well, i mean, fuck that.
so once i got home, i called verizon (from the house phone, not from the million dollar per phone call phone). good thing i used the house phone because i was on it for about 40 minutes with 2 different people. neither of them knew how to fix my phone. and they had me in places of my phone that i didn't even know existed.

so finally the dude i was talking to gave up and told me to just take it into a store. i did just that the very next day... and i got to hang out in the cell phone store for an hour. awesome. so the manager dude is looking at my phone and i say "so i guess this isn't really something you guys see often, huh" manager man is like "no, maybe a few times, but it's pretty rare." other cell phone man next to him responds with "man, i've never seen this!" manager man was like "yeah actually i haven't either. i just didn't want to make you feel bad." well, shit.
so they pass my phone over to the tech guy and i sit down and feel like i am in a waiting room waiting to hear the news of my cell phone's surgery. well, it was fatal. they finally gave up, deemed my cell phone corrupt, bad and defective and gave me a new one. sweet, a shiny new phone without scratches or a crooked antenna. yesss. bad news was that i had to program all my numbers back in manually. lucky for me though, i recently deleted like 83 numbers so i only have like 30 left in there anyway.
so the verizon guys said that they should give me some kind of ribbon proclaiming that "yay, i own the first cell phone to officially stump the entire verizon staff." whatever, at least i got a sweet new phone out of it. maybe i should change my number more often...