Just Like Ronnie Said

So yeah, karaoke got a little out of control Tuesday night. First, we took over the front table. Really pissed off Vixen and Company. Oh well. We're cooler. And we wear bras. Second, Ed Miller took a mini vacation. Which was really a disapointment. Third, we were complete stage whores. Joe signed us up as "Nicole and Such" to sing Take Me Home Tonight. Lord. Me, Joe, Candle and Jayson all went crazy on stage. Even did the point and thrust. So yeah, we were funny. And it was bound to happen. The four of us sing that song like, ohhh, all the time. So it was only right to perform it drunk for all to witness. Then all of a sudden Vanilla Ice was playing and me and Jon took over one of the microphones and screamed the entire song while using the hydraulics.
We took a mini break and just hung out at the table. Literally. Joe told me to put my stairs away. Yeah, it's an inside joke, I don't really expect many of you to understand. Then I had a text message war with Adam. Well, not really a war. We're dorks and have too much fun with texting, basically. And I just got a new camera phone, so I was very distracted for most of the night. But then again, it's me, and I am kind of one big distraction all the time...
One really cool part -- the awesome bartender gave me a free pitcher! Only charged me for one -- so I tipped him like 120%. Fair. They treat me right.
Then these crazy black people took over the stage to sing Back That Ass Up. Candle and I felt compelled to join. Well, Joe had to kind of push me around a few times, but then I was like "yeah, okay, I should be up there." This massive black dude was all like, "damn girl, you need to be up here in the front so everyone can see those fine ass moves." Guess where I went? To the front. I'm such a stagewhore. I know. Gah. Yeah, I thought I blew out my hydraulics in Charleston. Looks like they are back in business. Yessss.
So then somehow we were the last song of the night -- Shot through the heart and you're to blame, honey, you give love a baaad name! Me, Joe, Candle and Jayson went bananas. Joe and I had the microphones and basically sang to each other most of the time. There was a brief moment where I yelled "Jon Brown, you give love a bad name!" Haha. He cracked up. As did I. And about half the bar. I also incorporated the "Cha" into the lyrics about 6 good times. Ed Miller would have been proud.
The four of us and Jayson's fun friend Chris all went back to Joe's where we made our own Waffle House. This WaHo was much nicer to Candle than the real one. Poor girl. So yeah, I made 12 eggs, Joe made 14 sausages and we all ate the hell out of some breakfast. At one point, we were all silent and Jayson blurts out: why am i trying to put the sausage in my mouth longways? And damnit none of you better quote me! I actually spit milk out of my mouth. Sorry, honey that is too funny to not blog about. LoveyouJayson! God, that kid cracks me up more than anyone else. Candle ended up passing the fuck out like in the middle of the floor, Jayclimbingtrees and Chris went home, and Joe and I stayed up listening to techo and beating the crap out of each other. Sorry we were so loud. Ha.

In other news: I beat gray box Nintendo Wednesday night. It only took me 22 years and 54 men to make Mario 3 my bitch. And don't make fun. You people love me. So be proud.

Did Someone Say Shot?

It was party-your-hydraulic-ass-off weekend in Charleston. And let me just note that indeed, my hydraulics, along with hips, thighs, and arms are all in pain from the madness that was the Chucktown Shindig.
Emily and I drove down Friday night and we were ready to get the party started around 11:00. It was me, Emily, Michael, Matt Pat, Sarah, David, Adrian, Stephanie, Dan, Rob, Mark and of course my Megan and her friends Andrew and Chris. We went to the Blind Tiger first, but I was itchin' to shake my ass, so I rounded up most of the group and forced them to go to City Bar. Oh it was worth it. Megan of course bought us 8000 shots and David even did a round or 27 for us. Me, Megan and Stephanie put on a show on the pole; however, we were rudely interrupted by these crazy seizure-like Chinese people. Gah. Wait your turn. Like really, they convulsed for 6 minutes straight. I was like WTF and just took more shots.
A little later into the night, Mark and I finally introduced ourselves for real to each other. Let me tell you, this kid can friggin' dance. Holyshit. He is amazing. And to find a guy that can actually show me up, let alone keep up with me, is way hot. So yeah, Mark and I decided we needed to host a little show around the pole. We did these badass moves that actually looked kind of choreographed. It was the hottness. Then of course, the crazy Chinese couple had to get up there and like have a dance off with us... what is this? You Got Served?... They were just jealous of mine and Mark's sweet moves.
We finally had to remove our hydraulic drunk asses from the bar and go the hell home. We only had one vehicle for 7 of us. Can I now thank Adrian for being super awesome and for driving a super massive Titan truck? Yeah, thank you. We put Steffles (as Mark likes to call Miss Stephanie) in the front seat so she could semi-sober her cute little ass up. It took us like 32 hours to get out of the parking garage. For serious. Well not really, but at least 32 minutes.... so all the while, Stephanie decided she needed the vent to blow directly on her face with minimal space between her and the AC. Well, this worked out well, until we had to use the break and she smacked her entire face into the grill of the AC vent. Then she made the pouty face and accompanied it with the 'awwww" scrunched her nose, rubbed her forehead and cheek and took it like a champ as we all made ridiculous amounts of fun of her. Loveyougirl!
David, Adrian and I realized we still wanted to drink, everyone else went to bed and I went back to their apartment. Yeah, we had good intentions of continuing the binge, however we got sucked into American Dad, Family Guy, Sealab 2021, and Venture Brothers and finally gave up around 4:00. Thank you [adultswim] for entertaining my nocturnal ass time and time again. Oh and Dave, quit using all your crazy spy techniques to look at this entry and read my blog like all the other normal kids, gah. Haha.
Everyone was a waste of space on Saturday. It was a hellova monsoon too. Which was beneficial -- allowed for minimal movement and a good excuse to only change positions on the couch when a given body part began to tingle. We came to life around 6:00ish. We ate at Southend Brewery and were at Purple Tree Ultra Lounge by 9:30. Enter the drunken madness. It started slow, we were the first alcoholics in the bar. So we immediately started doing round after round after round of shots. Some include, but are not limited to: red headed slut, royal flush, mind eraser, perfect pussy, soco kamakazie and i cannot remember the rest because I got waaaaasted. So yeah, at first we were semi-bored, but fret not that all changed quickly. We were so damn entertained, it was stupid. Purple Tree has these screens on the walls that project these crazy patterns that resmeble somethink like the following: (a) sand and oil, (b) mercury, (c) liquid hot magma, (d) zinc and food coloring. A consensus was never made. But theses crazy things changed colors and only repeated small amounts of the pattern... needless to say, we didn't need drugs to enjoy the goodness that was the spinny light designs of wonder on the walls of the ultra cool ultra lounge. And there were blinky lights on the ceilng and color changing panals on the walls. My preferred color of the evening was the underappreciated sea-foam green.
Then it was dance time. Steffles, Millie, Mr. Mark Gramling, and myself found our crazy asses in the middle of the dance-a-thon and went completely buckwild on the floor. Though this time the floor was saturated in filthy spilt beer and liquor and other unknown substances which made for difficulty in manuevering in the insane pink heels. Being the pro I am however, I conquered the filth and danced my ass off. Until the crazy techo music entered. Do you know how hard it is to dance to techno when (a) you do not have glow sticks, and (b) the bass sporadically leaves the song? Everyone would just kind of stand there and bumble around until somewhat of a knock would come back. Stephanie and Emily gave up and returned to their tasty drinks. Mark and I however refused to stop. He came up with a really funny, yet useful idea: dance to the song in your head. He did. I did. And apparently we picked the same song because we were the only two people really dancing and we were actually pretty in sync given the fact there there was no freakin rhythm to the song at all. Yeah, we rock out to the max.
Bar tab: $415.00. Holymotherfreakinhell.
None of us wanted to stop drinking, so we all went back to Sarah's. Way fun. All the Takenoters/Tiger Roarers sang for us, everyone took turns on the bongos, Emily and Michael passed out on each other on the couch (yes, Emily's mouth was hanging wide open), and we were too lazy to play circle of death, so instead we just played never-have-i-ever. That was my genius idea. We finally peaced out around 4:00. Damn, we know how to have a good time. Emily and I treked home around 5:30 Sunday afternoon. Had a little roadrage, well a lot, but we made it. And it was damn fun.
So way super massive thanks to Emily, Megan, Michael, Mark, Matt, Stephanie, Dave, Adrian, Sarah, Dan, and Rob. I had such a blast. And I am so so happy and excited that I got to better my friendships with all of you. (And way glad I had someone to dance with my crazy ass the whole time... Mark...). We know how to do it right. Love you guys! Looking forward to doing it all again for July 4th!

The Drunkest Bride

This weekend I was in Raleigh for my cousin Katie's wedding. Her and Wade were getting married on Saturday. My family got to the Hilton hotel Friday night around 7:30, where we immediately began drinking. Something about traveling just makes us crazy. So me, Michael, Jen and Pete (the newlyweds), and Dave and Loren got hammered. Ha. We ended up at Denny's at midnight and we stuffed ourselves retarded just about. I ended up having creepy crazy dreams about this weird midget ugly ass guy in a green and white striped collared shirt with acid wash jeans on. He was standing in the middle of mine and Michael's beds in our hotel room just lookin at me. And he had insanely huge teeth. Ewwww. And I woke up, but it took my eyes a few seconds to adjust so like I could still see the image of the creepy midget man at the end of the bed. Gave me the heebee jeebees.
Saturday at 2:00, Wade and Katie became Mr. and Mrs. Hendrick. Pretty wedding. Katie looked gorgeous. We all made a mad dash for the reception back at the Hilton. It took Katie all of 47 minutes to get plastered. Aunt Sharon apparently had refused to feed Katie all day, and she's a little girl, so basically she got loaded and then got completely out of control. At first, the DJ was horrid. He played "No More I Love Yous" as the bridal party was walking in... because that makes sense. Way to set the scene for the next 50 years of their lives. Moron. He kinda looked like a fat Ben Stein. And was a complete cornball. Then he started playing his crazy violin and attempted to turn the place into some kind of ho-down. We finally told him, after about the 5th Boys II Men song, that he better change the song line up or we might have to kick his doofus ass. He did... but he ended up playing Real McCoy, Quad City DJs, and Ace of Base. I shit you not. And we actually did the train around the entire room while "Come on Ride the Train" was on. I was slightly uncomfortable because I was sort of supposed to latch onto Wade's dad, who used to/is some crazy CIA man. And plus, its just weird to touch any Dad's waist. Even though it was goofy 90s pop music, it allowed for the Cononie Shake however, so all were satisfied. I had to call Joe after "I Saw the Sign" was played. I couldn't take it anymore. Someone had to know just how ridiuculous this night really was.
So okay, we were all dancing, singing, sloshing our Coronas around, when we all kind of backed off and just watched in horror/shock as Katie went buck wild. You know what people look like when they are swatting bees above their heads? Yeah, Katie looked like that, but add that in with some weird hip swivelling and a big poofy wedding gown, a glass of wine in hand with the deathgrip to ensure it stays in place, and some "wooooooos" for vocal effect. Holygod it was too funny. Then after flailing her arms for a few moments, she'd bend herself in half, touch the floor, and pull her dress up on the way back to her upright position. Then she'd run around and rub her dress on the nearest 3 people, put it back down, flail about, then do some kicks, like the Russian Dance kicks.... in a wedding dress. Then she would add in a split or two, but always threw her hands in the air for someone to help stand her up. Repeat this 86 times for full effect.
Then came time for the throwing of the bouquet and garter. Jesus. First, her gay friend Jarred stood with the girls while she threw her flowers, then he also stood with the guys as Wade threw the garter. Let me first tell you about the garter removal experience. I actually had to look away it was so umm, tacky. Like really, Katie hiked her skirt up so high that we basically got a peepshow of her downstairs, she flailed around while sitting in the chair, then Wade used his teeth to pull the bitch off. He like licked her leg all the way down. I looked away around the time his tongue reached her kneecap.
Then Jarred had to put the garter on Stephanie who had caught the bouquet. Jarred also used his little gay teeth to apply the tainted garter to her leg. And um, her legs aren't exactly cute and small and dainty. We basically got to see Stephanie's downstairs too, since Jarred shoved the damn thing up as far as it would fit. Oh joy.
So needless to say, it was actually a hell of a good time for what started off as a lame reception. Around 9:30, me, Michael, Jen, Pete, Dave and Loren went swimming with about 22 beers (18 beers that each of us probably consumed at the wedding, plus a good 4 more for each while in the pool). Smart, I know. Really ridiculously fun though. We would sit in the hot tub, get grossly hot and then cannon ball into the pool and throw the life raft to each other or use the big stick to scoop each other out. It was only a 5 foot pool, but there were a few times I swore there was a bottomless pit beneath me. My ribs and abs actually hurt from running around and doing relay races in the frickin pool last night. Yeah, we acted like a bunch of 11 year olds and it was damn fun damnit.
So yay for really fun drunk weddings and the fun drunk events that follow.

Downtown with Kevin and Nicole

Downtown with Kevin and Nicole: doesn't it sound like it could be a talkshow or some crazy reality TV shit? It should be. We drink Woodchuck and have re-donk-ulous amounts of fun. And have random excursions with cops, huge ass football beasts, untamed water hydrants and drunken downtown mobs. I'd watch it if it came on TV....
so yeah... Kevin and I were downtown dates tonight - very fun! We got to talk and hang out more than we ever really have before, and I must admit, I'm a big fan of the Mr. Kevin Jennings. Everything was pretty normal for the downtown scene, except for the crazy cops! Gah. Go home, bitches. They were lookin' for something to do tonight obviously. So Officer Meyers (1) had on creepy black, fingers-cut-out-of-the-ends-type gloves on tonight; like the ones hardcore steroid-taking, iron-pumping meathead dudes wear, or also the kind of gloves that maniac bikers wear, and (2) the goof has braces. My theory is that he wanted to balance himself out and wear the gloves to take away from the silly fact that he is a middle-aged goofball with braces. Ha.
Then we decided we needed to explore the suburbs of Clemson to find our way back to highway 93. We almost could have possibly really gotten lost. But we didn't. Kevin got lucky on a couple of turns and we managed... to find ourselves on 93 with a crazy fire hydrant busted. No shit. And it was freakin HA-larious. We were all mid-seriousish convo and we both see this crazy burst of water drowning the earth and we swore it was also out to land directly on our car. Really, had we had the windows down, we would have be swimming all the way home. Then these crazy football ninjas almost ran into Kevin's car. I would have been more concerned had we not just been witnesses of the mammoth water spout in the middle of Clemson. I cracked up until we got to about Hardee's where I had to stop and breathe for a moment. And after a couple of rounds of Woodchuck and Bud, mammoth water spouts at 2:00 are about the funniest event life can offer.
So thank you, Kevin, for the way fun night; and also for being real with me and for looking out for me. I appreciate your honesty and I'm so thankful for your friendship. You definitely rock to the max.

Nintendo Thumbs

I'm not really sure what sparked this obsession, but I have fallen victim to the gray box Nintendo. Like really, I showed up at mexi-Monday at midnight because I had sat in front of Nintendo for 5 freakin hours. Who does that?! I like to consider myself on the Mario diet. Because really, I'm gonna end up losing weight because all I do is play that stupid game. Mario 3. Yessss. When I finally pulled myself away after 2 more hours of Mario after mexi-Monday, I went to bed with swollen and bruised fingers and thumbs. Then, no joke, I woke up with my hands in the position they were all day from holding the controller -- all contorted and numb from being clutched around that stupid rectangle with the 3 buttons. I'm surprised I didn't break the controller from keeping a death grip on it all day. Gah, I need a life.
My brother, Michael, came to play with us in Clemson last night. He will be a freshman in the fall! Yay. So we thought we'd throw a little party for him. I played Nintendo for most of the night. Until too many people kept walking in front of the TV or because I kept getting smacked with beerpong balls. Gah. Then I got too drunk to see Mario anyway, so it all panned out and I ended up being the one throwing the beerpong balls in all the wrong places. Everytime someone missed I called them a bitch, I think. Always guys too. "Haha you missed all the cups, bitches!" was basically my catch phrase for the evening. We had fun. Kevin and I kicked some beerpong bitch ass, too. I have a ton of fun with that kid -- even if you do get to lazy to hold yourself up and revert to using the wall as a dance prop. Too fun.
Michael wanted to go to Tiger Tails, but Waffle House was closer and not quite as grody, so me, Michael and Andrew went there instead. Those two guys talked about cars and computers for so long. It was actually really cute. Too bad I didn't understand a damn thing they were saying. Talking about motherboards, horsepower and torque... I was like "Ummm, well I got to level 8 on Mario today." I'm glad we got to show Michael a little taste of Clemson party madness. More is definitely to come, bro, so get ready! :)
So, I've been singing Savage Garden - I Want You, all damn day. "Ooooh I want you, I don't know if I need you but oooooh I'd die to find out... like a chick-a-cherry cola." Which is really cracking me up. I haven't heard that song since like 1995 so maybe since I'm in old school mode, my brain has warped back to old goofy pop songs too. I did just add New Kids on the Block to my latest cd... gah, I know I am an incredible dork. You guys still like me though. Even though according to some I am, and I quote, "dumber than a bag of hammers," based on some of the decisions I wanted to make... whatever. I had so much fun last night with Michael and Andrew - so thanks guys :) And thanks to Savage Garden for entertaining my brain today. Ha.

Welcome Aboard Flight 7127 - Destination: Hell

This past weekend was my cousin Jen's wedding. Her and Pete got married Saturday June 4th in Wilmington, Delaware and it was such a beautiful wedding. And a badass good time reception. Everyone had such a great time and got completely t-rashed! Michael and I even did the shoulder shake on the dance floor together. Ha. My mom and I had flown into the Washington airport Thursday and we drove the remaining 3 hours to Delaware. Our flight home was scheduled for 5:00 Monday afternoon. Yeah... that would have been nice.
We got to the airport around 2:00 just because security and check-in and all that shit is a pain in the ass, especially since it is Washington DC. Well, around 4:00, our flight had been delayed until 6:40 due to weather. Fine. I had Cosmo to read so I was well entertained. Well, around 5:00, our frickin flight was delayed until 10:00 pm. WTF?! Do you know how badly that sucked to hear? So we had to get in the damn customer service line to switch our tickets to the 10:00 flight to GSP airport. So mom and I were sick of sitting in stupid concourse G terminal and decided to go roam around the other terminals. Washington airport is huge. You actually have to take these goofy space-like buses to get to the other terminals and to the baggage claim area. It's pretty overwhelming, honestly. So, we got to the other terminals and realized that other airlines were not delaying or canceling flights so we were pretty pissed off that United Air was doing this to us. Mind you, this is the bastard airline that is going bankrupt... gee, I wonder why.
So we tried to get other flights with other airlines but they were all booked of course. So we wound up back in our terminal... whereupon our flight was canceled completely. What the hell are you supposed to do when that happens? And these bitches were no help. And foreign at that. I'm sorry if that is racist, but damnit I want to deal with someone whom I can understand and who knows what the fuck they are doing. So, we have to get back in the stupid customer service line and switch our tickets so we can now fly into Columbia. Because that makes sense. You have to fly right over GSP to get to ugly Columbia... whatever. So we got our tickets changed and our luggage swapped; so we thought. So this flight was also supposed to leave at 10:00. Of course it got delayed... until 11:40. We didn't board the bitch until midnight. All the while, Mom is on the phone with Hertz, the rental car people, so we can drive back at 1:00 in the damn morning to Simpsonville. Hertz said they would stay until 1:00 am for our flight to arrive. Good thing we didn't get off the mother f-bomb ground until 2:30 in the morning... yeah. Holyshit I have never been so mad and upset in my life.
Mom and I were sitting on the plane at midnight and the pilot told us that they just had a little bit of paperwork to finish and then we would be on our way. Cool, we though. Then this crazy lightening storm comes barreling through causing the entire airport to be on a groundhold. Ugh. Well, once the storm stopped, we were still sitting there. It was about 12:50 by this time. So Mom is at her wit's end and she is like "I have to get off this plane - NOW." So we actually got off a plane. That's really scary... we went back inside the terminal to try to get on the morning flight because by this time we figured the car rental place would be closed and we wouldn't have a way out of Columbia until the morning anyway. So Mom is talking to this guy and she asked him to please get our luggage off the plane. he said, and I quote "I can't be the reason for the delay of your flight." Mom went apeshit. I was on the other side of the terminal and I could hear her yelling. I don't blame her... my turn was coming. She was like "Delay? Are you frickin kidding me?! That is all your damn airline knows how to do! Let me guess? You just dont have time to deal with this either, do you?" The guy was like 'Uhhhh." She was like "That is exactly what I thought." He was like "Well ma'am I'm sorry and try to have a nice night." Mom was like "Oh I'm sure you're sorry. And you know what, you try to have a nice night too." Then the bitch that had to walk with us off the plane was like, "It's possible that the pilot will not wait for you." Enter my turn to snap. This time, I was the one screaming. I was like 'What?! He better wait!" And you guys know how scary I can be when I get insanely mad -- imagine Mom and I both being this livid. I was scared for other people's safety. I was like "I swear to God, if this plane leaves us or cancels the flight, I am going to fucking jail because I am going to kill someone." Mom was like, "I'll be right there with you." So you know, we try to get on the 8:00 am flight to GSP - of course it is booked, but they would be glad to put us on the 5:00 flight. Right. Because that does us a lot of good. So we get back on the stupid plane. It is now 1:30 in the morning and we had to run down the boarding area just incase they were getting ready for take off... Right. Glad we ran just so we could sit there for another stupid hour. The reason we sat there for another hour was because we didn't have fuel. Are you fucking kidding me?! Isn't that some kind of prerequisite? Don't you have to have fuel in the plane before people can board?! Ohmygod... so we finally get a fuel truck to come... and guess what? He was out of fuel!!! I actually said outloud, "you're one job in life is to have fuel. And you can't even do that right. Jesus Christ." So we finally got fuel and the go-ahead to take off. I bawled the minute we got in the air. I hate flying. I had a complete panic attack. I freaked out on the flight to Delaware also. But this time I just lost it completely. My mom had to hold my hand and tell me that the scary plane noises were normal. I couldn't catch my breath and I was afraid to open my eyes because I didn't want to see outside. There was scary lightening everywhere and the pilot wouldn't fly above the clouds because there would be more turbulence. Which only meant that I would see the earth the entire time if we were to crash into it. I really though I was going to die on that plane. We had sat on the ground for so long that I convinced myself there was a mechanical glich and we were going to crash once in the air. And it doesn't help when the seat in front of you says "seat cushion turns into flotation device" Jesus.
We landed at 3:30 at the Columbia airport. Where I finally caught my breath. Low and behold - there was one lonely man behind the counter of the rental car place. Little angels were behind him singing "Aaaaah" I swear. He stayed for us!! God, I love South Carolina. Of course our luggage wasn't on the plane. Imagine that. It got sent to GSP - but there was acually someone to help us fill out a baggage problem form too! Thank God for those nice people. Mom and I got home at 5:30 in the morning. I talked to her the whole way home even though it was difficult for me to even make complete sentences. I was so drained and I knew she had to be even worse off than I was so I knew I had to talk to her to keep her focused. We made it. It was miserable, but we were glad that we at least had each other for support through it all.
I don't know if I will ever be able to fly again. It scared me so much. And what sucked was that I had flown before, but I guess it was on a bigger plane. I don't know. Either way, I'm just glad we made it back alive and in one piece.

Nachos with Ronnie

This blog is basically for Jayson, and also for Joe too since I retold the entire evening to him when I can stumbling into his apartment at 2:00 in the morning. So Tuesday night was absolutely insanely funny. We went to crazy karaoke (duh) where the first act that we paid attention to was the deaf guy. Really. A deaf guy who sings karaoke. Which I mean, its honorable - you gotta give him credit for trying. But I think one try is enough. As Joe said it, "once i heard a cat get run over and it sounded better than that." I don't really think he did hear a cat get run over, but you could imagine... and I don't mean to be mean, I really don't - I give the guy credit for trying, but I really wish he would take up marathon running, for instance. He'd be good at that...
so then Joe had to leave us. Way sad, because he is becoming my new hip ornament and I have a hard time functioning without him next to me. So it was just me and Jayson. Which really seriously was the funniest night in like all of karaoke history. First, we started doing the sketchy dance. The point your finger, thrust your hips, lick your lips, and stare too long at one person dance. We then resorted to the horrible Elaine (from Seinfeld) dance. Holy shit that was funny shit. Like imagine a normal rap bass beat, and then bend your knees, thrash about and snap on separate sporadic occasions while adding weird pelvic thrusts in awkward directions with no sensible rhythm while remembering to not stay in any kind of sync with the original beat given to you. Believe me, you will laugh, and everyone will laugh at you. And what is sad is that I know of at least two people who dance in this fashion. God help them.
After being sketchy dancers (hold me closer tiny daaaancer), Jayson and I shimmied our way to the front of the bar so as to catch a "better" view of the stage. If by better, you mean funky nacho smelling area with creepy staring guy and glittery shirt hobag. Mmmm, I love the "better" view already. So yeah, me and Jayson were minding our own business making fun of everyone else in the bar, when all of a sudden Jayson gets this revolting look on his face and proceeds to flare his nostrels, furrow his brow, curl his lip and scream "what the fuck?!! do you smell that?! what is that?!" I almost fell out of my chair laughing. I was like "Dude, what the hell is wrong with you?" He then morphed into psycho sniffer and sniffed everything within a 10 foot radius... including me. So I sniffed back.... whatever, so we thought it was nasty glitter hobag girl that smelled like funky nachos. But when she came closer, we realized it was not her but rather, disgustingly obese sweaty arms-cut-off-shirt guy. Like, so sweaty he had the sweat marks from his neck to his large belly area as well as the sweaty back look. Yeah, I threw up a little in my mouth. I mean, I've heard of people who sweat out beer, but to sweat out nachos?! Come on?! Then that song that is like 'Just like Roonnnnnie said/be my little baby.../ take me home tonight,/ I don't want to let you go til I see the light" came on. And for whatever reason, it was so freakin funny. I mean think about it, sweaty nacho guy who is now dancing with glittery slutface girl (who was on the verge of doing the sketchy Elaine dance) with "take me home tonight" blaring in the background with some offkey doofus singing, makes for a really funny scenario. And then this weird guy in the yellow shirt kept staring at me. And like, not even a flirty smiley stare, just a blank creepy ewwww stare. I was like "Really, wtf?" So Jayson backed up and watched the dude walk by me. I kinda yelped and did the grunt I do and snarled a little. Who stares with no expression? Gross. So yeah, funny chain of events... If you don't think so, well then you suck. And you shouldn't read my blog anymore. Because damit, that shit is funny.
So after that, Jayson and I really couldn't take anymore. So we left. We went to Esso because we wanted to find Candle and get "Night at the Roxybury" on her ass -- you know, slam her back and forth between the two of us and bob our heads frantically to the side. Yeah, but when we go to Esso, no one was there except for the big scary bouncer man who was standing inside with his arms crossed behind the bar just shaking his head at us. We quickly left. So then creepy Manson stalker girl called Jayson for the 59th time and was like "I left you 17 messages telling you I was at Loose Change, gah, why aren't you here too?" So Jayson was like "Gah I swear she is the spawn of Jeffrey Dommer... well wait, I don't know why I said him instead of like Charles Manson since her last name is kind of Manson..." So we also decided Loose Change was a good idea because Beezers is next door to it. So we get in there, and like noshit, within 7 seconds so weird bug-eyed dude is like petting me, asking me about my lifestory and really I think he wanted to be in my skin he was standing so close to me. I kept giving Jayson the save me look, all he did in return was the sketchy bar guy act where he'd squint his eyes and lick his lips and point. Thanks Jayson. So yeah... we left and got some damn Beezers and god it was so good. With olives right, Jayson? Or wait, was that oil and vinegar? Ha. Moron.
So by 2:15ish I busted up in Joe's apartment, all crackin up, cussing out Mother Nature for raining on my drunkass and I proceeded to give him an instant replay of the night. I almost choked on Beezers like 9 times in the process of the storytelling time.
So thank you, Jayson, for entertaining the hell out of my ass. And I think we should do nachos with Ronnie again real soon...



and on a completely different side note:
CONGRATULATIONS, MICHAEL!
My brother graduated from Hillcrest High School June 1st, 2005 with badass honors. I don't know how to spell exemplary so I chose to say badass instead. So congrats, bro -- you kick ass. And I love you and I cannot wait for you to be at Clemson with me in August!