Mexico: Hola! Necesito Cerveza Por Favor! Ahora Mismo!

The long-awaited Mexico recap blog has begun. This will be like a little mini-series because if you're anything like me, you'd rather get a bunch of fun little presents individually wrapped instead of a giant box with random shit all piled inside. Therefore, this mini-serious of blogs will be individually wrapped for your maximum entertainment.

So, pre-Mexico, I touched up on my Spanish skills:
Hi = Hola
Beer = Cerveza
Ahora Mismo = Right now
Bathroom = Bano

...Kay, I'm good to go.
Our flights to Mexico were easy and painless. And free of hand sweat (my feet sweat when I drink coffee; my hands sweat when I panic; god forbid I ever nervously drink coffee...) We arrived at the Ocean Coral & Turquesa mid-afternoon June 20. We got to go to the "Privilege" lobby since we had signed up for the upgrade status.

This somehow entitled us to the super upgrade status because we were handed the little swipey keys to a Master Suite just a few moments later! We walked into our giant room *which was more like an apartment than a hotel suite, and I seriously clapped and giggled. There was a giant pink couch, chocolate covered strawberries, and a beautiful ocean-front view staring back at me as soon as I set foot in the room. The bed was giant, the ceiling was pink and the closet was giant and pink! Our bathroom was massive and equipped with fuzzy robes and slippers. Our minibar was stocked and would magically be restocked anytime we drank anything from it (free of charge). Hi, All-Inclusive? I think I love you. I threw back the pink curtains to the balcony and stepped out with a giant smile plastered on my face, I took a deep breath and looked around. When I looked to my left, my jaw fell open, because our private jacuzzi was sitting there giving me sexy eyes telling me to come sit. Really? A private jacuzzi on my ocean-front balcony in my master suite in MEXICO?! Jesus, I did something right!

We threw on our bathing suites and set out to wander the resort. We stopped at the Snack Bar Pool for some nom noms and of course, some drinks. First pick: Coconut rum & pineapple. Husband took one sip, "Dear God, where have you been?" He said looking down into his neon yellow cup. Ahh, it was going to be a great week...
We wandered over to the next area - the Swim-Up Bar Pool. And do you know what they had at the Swim-Up Bar Pool? Well, besides a swim-up bar? They had techno music! Ump-tah Ump-tah Ump-tah (that's my techno beat. You like it.) We tested out the swim-up bar a few times; it works.

Two favorite drinks for the beginning of the week: the strawberry daiquiri and the frozen margarita.

Tidbits for next blog in the series: Introduction to Jerk Bird, the Resort Strip Club & Sake Night.

Tomorrow is Cancun Day!

WaHhhhHhH! I leave for Cancun at 9:30 tomorrow morning! My excitement finally could no longer be contained as of yesterday evening around 8:00 PM when I plugged in my i-pod, jacked up the volume and wiggled my way to my gigantic closest while the "party mix" started to shake the walls. I scooped up, what I think was close to 20 dresses, and threw them onto the bed, hauled my enormous suitcase out and threw it on the bed too, and then watched the cats throw themselves into the suitcase that was now in their prime sleeping location. "Pay attention to me noooooow."
After unsuccessfully zipping myself into dress #1, in my sweetest wife voice possible, I screamed for Husband to come heellllppp! "I just want you to come hang out with me while I pack." Which really meant "I don't want you to do anything else but pay attention to me and zip me in and out of dresses and tell me which shoes match and tell me I look skinny and its okay that I ate chocolate donuts from the vending machine this week because I'm PMS-ish and pay attention to meee!"
He loves me.
So I think it took me like 4 hours to decide on 8 dresses and 5 pairs of shoes. I still don't know what I'm wearing to the stupid airport and God forbid I need pants. I'm not bringing any damn pants! I hate pants! I am bringing my stupidly tiny navy shorts that I plan to wear while hiking through some ridiculous jungle on an excursion that will lead us to a zip line that will spit us out some where in Mexico. Hope the navy shorts are sufficient because that's alls I gots. And I hope the jungle excursion does not turn into one of those scary movies where the vines try to eat your brains and the jungle people shoot tranquilizer darts at your ass and you end up upside down in some tree. Maybe I watch too many movies.
Oh! My monokini came in and it is super cute and Husband loves it! Mind you, it hardly covers my ass (ahh, reminds me of the Cononie Coin slot days) but damnit it is cute with it's little sparkly orange pears. It will look even better in Mexican-tanned skin. Mmmm, tan.
So tonight I have to go finish packing my gigantic suitcase. I still have to fit in all my make-up products, hair beautifiers, yummy perfumes and whatever else will account for 28 pounds of luggage. I'm not allowed to go over 50 pounds. If I do... well that just means I get to bring another bag. Ha! I love Cancun already.

The Lizard Incident

I've accidentally (or completely purposefully) spoiled the crap out of my cats, Moose and Murdoch. The spoiling started with the occasional cat treats and little toy mice to play with and has somehow progressed to real tuna twice a day and live rodents to play with. I take full responsibility for the tuna (we will discuss the rodents momentarily). I introduced them to tuna once and that was that... now they scream at me in little cat meows that translate to "feed me noooooow. Too-naah noooooow." If the screaming doesn't work, then Moose will walk on my face or put his paw under my nose (my cat is trying to kill me). I'm not kidding, he will walk across my face, ensuring as many paws as possible draggg across my cheek, or he will trample my hair, or when I turn my head and make him walk aroun... I mean OVER me, he'll eventually get irritated enough that he'll just poke me on the nose with his little kitty paw and then just cover my nostrils completely and leave his paw there until I open my eyes, pet him, and immediately go to the kitchen to feel my poor little attention- and tuna-starved kittehs. Ohhh kittehs.

So, the whole live rodent thing. NOT my fault. I do not take responsibility for this one. Murdoch isn't nearly as interested in reptiles and insects quite as much as Moose. Murdoch will swat at something or put his paw on top of it and then call it a day and roll over on his back and demand bellyrubs; much like this little kitteh (except Murdoch is more of an economy-sized, 12 pounds of tuna-stuffed fat now, instead of a fun-sized ball of fluff):

Moosey Mooserton (Husband has actually made a little theme song for him so when he walks into the room, Husband is like "And now it is time for the Moosey Mooserton Shoooow! Starring Mooooseeey Mooooosterton! *Breaks into jingle... Ah dah dah de de dee dah dah dee dee dah dee!" And then sometimes he will bend over and wrap his hands around Moose's fat tuna-belly and make him hop up and down. It's sinfully entertaining.)

So, Moose likes live toys. And yesterday, he got to have a bit of an adventure...we all got to have a bit of an adventure... with a lizard. See, I let the little fatties out on our screened-in porch because they like to roll around in the sunshine and sit on the grill. I always try to check for giant bugs or lizards before I let them out because I really do not want those things coming inside. Two kittehs is enough pets for me. Do not need/want slimy or multi-legged pets also. Well, I didn't inspect the porch as much as I needed to because about 30 minutes later, Moose comes in with a dangly green lizard hanging from his mouth. Lizard lips. You'd think he would have learned from his last lizard incident not to bring them inside because last time, he wasn't biting the lizard... the lizard was biting him! But nooooo.
So I freak out, shriek, and throw myself in Moose's general direction with my finger perfectly poised in pry-open-mouth position. First try and I was able to free the lizard from Moose's jaw but I was not, however, quick enough to catch the little green bastard while trying to hold back two giant fat cats from chasing after it. Hell. Lizard loose in house. I shrug and say "Well, he'll eventually come out and hopefully when he does it'll be high enough for him not to get bitten by kittehs."
Well, I was correct in my statement. The little guy did come out of hiding after about 30 minutes and he was climbing up the corner of the wall next to our cabinets in the kitchen. This situation made it glaringly obvious that Husband and I aren't exactly stellar at coming up with reasonable plans while trying to think quickly on our feet. Nope.
So, okay, I see the lizard on the wall and say something like "ahh haa! He's come out!" And I walk toward the kitchen but I'm kinda panicky because I'm like "how do I catch him?! What if Moose jumps on the counter? What if the lizard jumps on me?!"
So Husband is like "Okay, get a cup and I'll go get one of those pieces of decorative bamboo and I'll use it to push him into the cup!"
So I hold the cup under the lizard and he runs higher up the wall. Uhhhh... now what? So I get up on the counter top and hold the cup under him while Husband just kind of shakes the bamboo stick in his direction as if he was trying to will him into the cup by waving a magical decorative bamboo stick. Right.
Well, it kind of worked because the lizard did turn to start coming back down the wall. Yes, he was aiming straight for the cup - perfect.
Orrrr not.
He aimed for the cup, but then opted for my hand instead. So, here I am, standing on my kitchen counter with a red cup in one hand, my husband swinging around a stick of bamboo, and a lizard coming straight at me. He bypassed the cup and climbed onto my left hand. "Okay, I can deal with this, I can just walk him outside with him on my hand."
Orrrr not.
He made a break for it... straight up my arm and onto my shoulder. I froze. I stuck both arms out in somewhat of a scarecrow position, shrugged my shoulders up, spread my fingers, and opened my eyes really wide. Craaaap.
So now, I'm standing on my kitchen counter with a lizard loose on my body! After I lost sight of him, I squatted down and turned my back to Husband so he could give me an accurate account of where the lizard was heading. He was on my ass. Quick little bastard.
Husband grabbed him by his ass and plopped him down outside on the rocks out back. Lizard kind of sat there, much as I had just done on the counter - arms all wide with a confused look on his face "What the hell was that?!" And then he wiggled away.
Never a dull moment in the Kuhlman home...

Happy Feet

My giant Target order came in the mail earlier this week. It's like Christmas every time a new package comes to the door! Ohh I love it. In my giant order came 3 new pretty pairs of shoes. I had to find a top in my closest this morning that would somehow correlate with these pretty slutty things:

I feel so preetty!
Also in my giant Target order were very giant bikini bottoms. The picture online made them look kind of retro since the style was black/white polka dot and they were "full" and not stringy, so I thought "ooh cute." More like "ooh barf." They came up to like the middle of my back and almost touched my belly button and were just gigantic and saggy. What happened?! Needless to say, those sad droopy drawers will NOT be in the Cancun suitcase. I am, however, hoping to add this little cutie pie of a monokini to the Cancun suitcase instead. Fingers crossed! It'll be in early next week and I have seriously high hopes. Oh the orange pears are just adorable!

Bling Blaang

As I mentioned in my happy-dance blog about Cancun, I got to pick out new pretty fake jewelry to adorn my tan hands while vacationing in Mexico. There are plenty of good reasons why I needed to buy fake jewelry:
1. It's sparkly and pretty and who cares if it's fake... it's preetty!
2. Husband does not want me to draw attention to myself
3. Husband does not want me to get robbed
4. Husband does not want me to get kidnapped
5. I agree with Reason #1, 3, & 4. Reason #2? Not so much. I'm tacky and attention-drawing regardless of whether or not I mean to be. (Okay, I might mean to be. Sometimes.)

Hokay, so, I started shopping online (which is my new favorite thing to do, by the way) and after I perused "Almost Diamonds" and "Ziamonds" I found "Fantasy Jewelry." Oooooh, fantasy.

Well, I insisted that Husband let me purchase the 8 carat canary solitaire, but he referred back to #2-4 and told me to quit being tacky. Quit being tacky? How?! Tacky is the new black! Tacky = Nicole. *Does.not.compute.

So I looked through the wedding sets and found this one that we agreed upon: It has 1 carat in the center, 1.5 carats total. Pretty modest if you ask me. Or so I thought...

And then for funsies, I also added the 2 carat canary beauty to the bag. So pretty!

So my pretty sparkly falsies came to me in the mail yesterday. The 2 carat canary turned out to be more modest than the bling blang wedding set! The "modest" wedding set is completely over-the-top obnoxious. What happened? Looks like I'll never escape the tacky inside of me! It's really gaudy and reaaaally sparkly. Oops. (I like sparkly.) So much for not drawing attention! I'm still going to wear it. I can't help myself. I was never good with moderation, anyway.

Coffee & Cakesters

Uhh, that was my breakfast. Apparently, I've fallen into the "ohmygah I'm so bored with everything that I hardly know what to do with myself" category. Crap. My following wordy-ass paragraphs of crap will prove that I have fallen victim to this highly disadvantageous (is that a even a word?) category so you can basically just call me cah-RAY-zee.

So I'm bored. Really retardedly bored. To prove my boredom: I went to WAL-MART! WTF. Seriously. I actually think the last time I willingly set foot in a Wal-Mart was in December 2007. It was ugly. I was trying to make copies of my wedding pictures and of course it was a mad shit house in there because it was Christmas time... I had to wait in line behind this bitch with 400 photos she needed to copy... I had about 5. So whatever, I made the copies and went to pay and they double charged me, so I corrected them. Then, they decided to look at my pictures, deem them "too professional" and refused to give them to me. I'm pretty sure I demanded loudly "what the FUCK do you mean they are too professional?! I have fucking copy right to of these god damn pictures!" (I could have pretty much turned green and ripped my shirt off.) Husband grab my elbow and gently escorted me out before (a) I jumped over the counter and punched a bitch or (b) Wal-Mart security escorted me out... in handcuffs. Fuck you, Simpsonville Wal-Mart! *Scrunches nose and waves middle fingers in air!
Whewww, okay man I just got worked up. Shake it off. Shake it off.

Okay, so after a story like that, what the hell would possess me to willingly go back to one of these hell holes? Yep, boredom.
I went in looking for a beach chair. I came out with $116 worth of sun tan lotion and other miscellaneous shit including that new mascara that has color tint to it. Did you know I have hazel eyes?? All this time I thought they were brown. Nope. Wrong. Hazel. Go hold up the little tubes of mascara with an eyeball on the package and tell me mine don't match Hazel. They do. Who knew. Meh.

(Where the hell am I going with this?!)
Oh! Right - the title: Coffee & Cakesters. No wonder I'm a bumbling blabbering moron... I'm all jacked up on caffeine and freaking sugar. My boredom has spilled over into my food choices also. Everything that I typically eat sounds like trash. Who wants a healthy variety of eggs, a tuna sandwich, a fresh salad & steamed veggies and some steak for a day's worth of meals?! Pssshhhh not me. I want freaking Nilla Cakesters, Starbucks Double Shot Energy + Coffee, 13 pieces of assorted Hershey's mini candies, some waffle fries dipped in smokey mustard sauce from Chic-Fil-A, a bowl of homemade mac & cheese, some jello and a some Fat Tire high-gravity beers. And perhaps some Monterrey jack cheese on Wheat Thins. That's what I want! Gimme! (No, I am not pregnant. I am BORED! Bored. Bleh.)
Save me?

Lobster Nic


Yesterday Husband and I joined 4 of our friends for a day at the beach. As most days at the beach go, I covered myself in tanning oil (SPF 4 - hey, it counts!), leaned my chair back almost all the way, put my giant sunglasses on my face and cranked up my "party" play list on the i-pod. The boys lasted all of 5 minutes before getting up to go do something. Their first activity of the day was Boccie Ball. What started out as a very normal game, turned into them kicking 5 lb. balls with their bare feet half way across the beach. Boys *lowers eyebrows & shakes head back and forth slowly. After Boccie Ball lost it's novelty, they moved on to digging. Digging for crabs. Billy picked the closest crab hole he could find, got down on all fours, and turned his hand into a shovel. And out ran a nasty little white crab with big googly black eyeballs. Much like this guy:Gives me the heebie-jeebies. And he ran right under the poor guy's chair in front of that crab hole Billy had just ambushed. Luckily, there were tiny children everywh... wait, that's never a lucky situation... but one had a dump truck and the other had a bucket and thus, the ugly little guy was captured (crab, not child with dump truck). Nobody wants pinched toes (*touches fingers to thumbs "I peench"). So Billy used the florescent pink bucket to capture the critter and then parade it around the beach to show all who were curious. He let him go after a little while... and then he chased him... and then really let him go. And then he proceeded to dig for more crabs. Right behind our chairs!! Ack! No thank you! After unsuccessful attempts in two of the biggest crab holes he could find, all boys lost interest and ran flailing toward the water. Okay, the didn't really flail but they did walk down there like a pack of maniacs. Which technically they are. I later learned that they attempted P90x X-Jacks in the water. *Shakes head again.
Luckily (for real this time), Jules was at the beach and has the same idea of fun as I do: sit on ass and do nothing. We just gossipped and watched our husbands and friends act like lunatics. Oh, and keep in mind, no one had a single beer until about 2-3 hours into this trip. So all the antics were done completely sober.
I continued to lather myself in my carrot-extract-infused grease and soak up sunshine. It wasn't until later that night that I realized I had not rotated early enough in the day. Which is why I am now a 1/2 lobster. I have a lovely red hue permeating from my body. My chest and shoulders are somewhat scarlet, my arms are red and even my hands are burnt! My kneecaps match my arms and my nose matches my chest. BUT the rest of my face looks even worse! Okay, apparently I missed an inch of face around my hair line, so I have a florescent "halo," if you will (ha, me with a halo!). And then like I said, my nose is scorched, but my cheeks are still white since I insist on gigantic celebrity sunglasses. And then the worst part is this weird tan I got on my upper lip?! Apparently that was the only place I correctly applied the sunscreen because that was the only place that tanned, however that tan looks like a puberty-ridden 14 year old boy's excuse for a mustache?! I have a tan-stache?! WTF? My face basically just looks dirty. All I have to say is thank GOD for make-up. Lots and lots of "mustache" covering make-up.
Fingers crossed that an all-hands meeting is not held anytime this week before about Thursday. *Smacks forehead.

Cancun is for Lovers

Hi, this is Nic in pee-my-pants-I'm-too-excited mode! Why? Because Husband and I are taking a kick ass all-inclusive 7-night trip to Cancun, Mexico! As I'm sure you know, we were supposed to take a cruise for our first anniversary, but that fell through in the most miserable way, so here we are 8 months later ready to redo the anniversary we never got to have. Well, I guess we technically got to have an anniversary, but there were no umbrella drinks, tan lines, or seashells involved. We'll be basking in the luxury of the Ocean Coral and Turquesa Resort.
This tropical heaven has 8 restaurants, 9 bars and a view of the ocean that looks like this:
And since Husband and I only know how to do things BIG, we of course, upgraded ourselves to the "Privilege" status, which means we get a swanky room, table preference in the restaurants and entrance into the VIP areas of the bars. Oh God, do you even know how much I'm going to live this up?! This is so up my alley I can hardly see straight.
I plan to come back with the most ridiculous tan of my life. I look forward to seeing what shade of bronze I can max out at. In the mean time, I have 2 weeks to prepare myself, so I've already shopped online (and purchased) 3 new pairs of pretty summer shoes (4 inch heel included on at least 1 pair), a new dress, new bikini, and of course new tacky jewelry. To go along with my tacky jewelry, I believe I will be buying the most ridiculous (yet somehow reasonable) CZ ring I can find. I can't justify bringing the real stuff which means I get to pick out something gaudy and cheap. Oh I love it! Bah! I can't wait! Hurry up, June 20th!