I Want to Keep the Tomatoes


This weekend began on Thursday night around 8:15 for me. Catherine the Great came to play! I hadn't seen the girl in months, so we had a lot of catching up to do, that's for damn sure! We finally got to exchange Christmas presents, too. She gave us these awesome flutes and tumblers and some fab champagne, and some chocolate annnd some sweet Britney Spears lip gloss/perfume (haha). We made mac and cheese and sat on the floor and talked our heads off for like 8 hours. Seriously, we got through the entire bottle of Pink champagne and the entire bottle of Chablis. Which I particulary enjoy pronouncing exactly as it is spelled: Chab-lis. Bahaha. So, by 4 AM we were wasted and giggly.
Friday night meant that Joe and Michael were gonna be in town for the weekend. They arrived around 8:00ish and we cracked some beers and ordered pizza. Niiice. Megan brought over her newest purchase, Carter the Kitty. He's a little puffball - so cute. Tucker hates him... likely story. Tucker hates everything. So we ended up having a mini party that ended after 50+ beers, 50+ jello shots and a good 5 rounds of Snider surprises. Joe, Michael, Dave, Catherine, Snider and Jayson and myself ended up playing round after round of random card games or What the Fuck. Throughout the night, many HA-larious things were said, which of course meant that I kept a running log of the nonsense. Here's the list of shit we came up with Friday night: I will attempt to explain some of the ones that will not get me into trouble. Bahaha.
Things that were said this weekend that were funny as shit and in no particular order:
1. I have strong patella *Michael Snider said this after it sounded like his kneecaps exploded while he was trying to stand up to go create more shots for us.
2. Smells like birthday *Snider said this after we blew out the candles
3. I want to keep the tomatoes *Joe was telling a story about one night where he was completely out of his mind drunk. He found himself in DuPree's bed (this is when we were all still living in Clemson). We were all headed downtown and decided to leave Joe there since he was content chasing the goldfish that he swore were swimming around the air around his head. Megan did not want Joe to barf all over his bed... so she apparently handed him a strainer. WHAT? I think at this point in the story Dave or my brother chimed in and said "I want to keep the tomatoes." Implying that when Joe lost his shit, all the liquidy parts could strain through and the chunks could be salvaged. Okay that makes me want to vomit after typing such filth...
4. I'm swinging around like Babe Ruth *Jayson said this as he was demonstrating just how passionate he was about knocking all the shit out of the pinata that they had at some crazy party. The contents were well worth swinging around like Babe Ruth as they were mini bottles and cigs. College...
5. Magic trick: if I guess your card, you drink four *Snider wanted to do a magic trick for Dave, however the stipulation was that if Snider could correctly remember how to do his sweet trick in his drunken state, Dave would have to take 4 swigs of something
6. Jamaican Jump = Sexy Leap... I don't know *I have no idea who said this or in what terms it was said. If anyone does know, please enlighten us.
7. I would do myself for free *In the midst of playing WTF, there was some question about having sex with yourself for money. My brother kindly informed us that he'd be more than happy to sex himself up for free.
8. Bonnet or diaper... either way, I'd look like Zach *Our beloved friend Zach Deegan aka 40 Friend, was dressed as Dorothy for Halloween... anyway, we were still playing WTF and Snider had some question about what he'd rather wear in public, a bonnet or a diaper. His response, "Either way, I'd look like Zach." To give an even better image of Zach, during his freshman year on the hall, he decided to run around with an air horn, in teeny tiger print boxers with a picture of a tiger face taped to face. The tiger face he found in like, fucking National Geographic, so he tore out the entire page, cut out eye holes and taped the whole page to his face... and ran around. This, my friends, is the epitome of Zachary Deegan. You should get to know him
9. Who the fuck wants to live in a fruit? *Michael, my bro, got a question that said "would you rather live in a giant shoe or a peach?" He was disgusted when most of us answered "fruit" and thus made this statement.
10. I'm drunk. Oh wait, you're alive? *Joe noted that he was drunk. David chimed in with "What? Oh wait... you're alive" Implying that Joe is always drunk. Which is 90% true. And cool, in my fucking book. And this is my book, so it's cool. There.
11. Holla holla holla holla holla holla let me holla at ya let me holla at ya holla holla holla *My brother said this every fucking 2 minutes all weekend.
12. Not a rendezvous.. a ron-de-don't *I don't know why I said this but I did
13. Tastes like... middle school girls *This was actually said Saturday night by Noel, Jayson's brother, in regards to the shot that I created. It was awful.
14. YOU RUINED MY LIFE * I said this because I am a life ruiner... hahaha
So that concludes Friday night... at 6 AM none the less... Saturday night, we went to Banana Cabana to see Catherine. This time it was Dave, Michael, Joe, Jayson, Noel, Amy and myself. Dinner was the bomb. Jayson brought the Wii over, so we played that magical device until we were satisfied with our level of intoxication. Then we went downtown to Sketch Central -- Tonik. It was 18 and up, so my bro could get in... well we were loud and obnoxious and wasted and it was fabulous. Please go enjoy the pictures. Oh wait, Catherine and I did get booed off stage. Yeah, I don't know either. Who boos ME off a stage? No one in their right mind... he was probably gay. Ha. Also, I, oh man this makes me laugh -- Joe was completely harassed all over that bar. First, he went to grab a drink and some non-English speaking, foreign looking girl asked him if he had a girlfriend. He said that he was just at the bar with his friends. So she asked him to the strip club and said it something like this (please use your best Asianish girl voice to say this) "Oh, you no girlfriend? Want to go strip club wit me?" Joe was like "Ummmm, I gotta go." Whereupon he might have ended up in the bathroom, only to get berated by Drill Sergent Drunk in there. Joe is just trying to pee when (in your best loud military scary man voice read this)... "HEY! Have you thought about your future? Do you want to defend our country?! Well you should enlist as a soldier in our military!" I think Joe put his head down and quickly walked out, but not too quickly because if you walk too quickly in Tonik, you will fall down on your ass and get the Hepatitis. That floor was fucking grody. Like, Joe could do a Jig without picking his heals up... seriously Joe, how do always seem to attract the R-tards? Must be your nuclei force. Must be...
Oh yeah, we also felt it necessary to bring the Taboo buzzer along with us. This way when anyone said anything dumb/unacceptable/or just something buzz-worthy, we buzzed. Because that's how we roll.
Sunday we all wallowed around. Catherine panicked because we made her late for work. Sorry, dear. And I took 4 naps. It was wonderful. We really do need to have more weekends like that. I love being drunk for days with good company. Makes life incredibly enjoyable. So keep your calendars open for the first weekend in March... we might be planning a party. Get ready, bitches.

Vertigo and Board Games

There are a few extremely random facts that I would enjoy sharing. They really don't correlate to one another, so do not attempt to find a secret message or any sort of pattern..

1. My current favorite song is "Crazy Bitch" by Buck Cherry. Expect it to be my default song in the next 48 hours. Sorry Madonna.
2. Sunday night, Dave and I went over to our friends' house - Andy and Brooke - and we had dinner and decided to play board games. 6 bottles of wine, two bags of popcorn, two bowls of ice cream and 6 hours later we had completed one game of Clue and were working on our first game of Risk. We called it quits at approximately 1:00 AM whereupon we agreed that Dave or Andy would have won, but it would have taken a few good hours to kick my ass out of Australia. Dave and I then went to McDonald's and ordered too much food. Dave was still chewing when he passed out. When I tried to wake him, he mumbled something about Quebec. I can only assume he was dreaming about how to defend the country in the game of Risk.

3. On top of dreams of Quebec, Dave also has been experiencing some weirdness with his ears -- he can't pop/unpop them. As some of you may know, this can really fuck with your equilibrium... which is exactly what it did to Dave. So poor Dave was all wobbly on Monday - like so wobbly that he couldn't look at a computer, see straight or walk correctly. I took him to the doctor where he was poked in the ear with some device that almost made him puke. Luckily, Dave is not as wobbly today and could drive himself to work. He had a mild bout of vertigo. My poor mom has also experienced vertigo, however hers was so crazy severe that when she laid down in bed, she'd have to keep one foot on the floor so she wouldn't spin as much. I mean, damn, I'd at least want to be spinning because I had one too many Mind Erasers or Black and Blues, not because my ear fluid was being tsunami-like.
4. I am on a chopsticks kick. I want to eat everything with them. I might try eating popcorn with them next.
Okay, that's all I really wanted to share. Oh, in super fabulous news: Joe and my brother are coming to town Friday night. Expect great things, my friends.

This is Fun

Thus far, 2007 has been extremely drunk. To start off the New Year, my company had a Christmas party that cost us over $600 and ended the night at the strip club in the back room with Cookie purring in my ear. Two nights later was New Year's Eve, where David was unaware that 2 hours had passed by after midnight and he thought that we still had not seen the ball drop. I guess that's one way to ring in the new year -- not even realize you rang the damn thing in.
I guess now the goal is to upstage every weekend in 2007. So far, that plan is working beautifully. This past weekend, Billy and Elliott came down from NC to celebrate Billy's birthday. Shawn and Elisabeth also came down from Clemson to come play with us. We had one full house, that's for sure. The weekend officially started at about 3:00 AM Wednesday morning when Bill and Elliott arrived. It took Billy all of 4 minutes before he opened the refrigerator to find 48 glorious jello shots before him. I think he sucked down 6 right then and there.

Thursday night the four of us went to dinner and then to Gene's for $70 worth of Amstel Lite and table shuffle board. We met up with Amy (my fabulously awesome work buddy) and her friends, Chris Jones and Emily. And yes, you have to call him Chris Jones. Don't ask questions. I guess you could consider the night a success based on the mere fact that both Billy and I puked. I mean, we obviously had our fair share of fucking jello and other miscellaneous shots and drinks. Man, I hate puking though. I guess I will strive for the pukeless year in 2008 since I already blew it one week into 2007. Oops.
Friday night, Shawn and Elisabeth joined the debauchery. We took everyone out to Poe's for delicious burgers. It was awesome to go back there since that was were Dave and I ate our last dinner as just a couple and not an engaged couple. Aww. We decided to take it easy Friday night since Thursday almost killed us. Well, it at least put a dent in our funds. So we invited Amy and company back over and also Miss DuPree for some board games and beer. We spent hours playing card games, Cranium and What the Fuck. And really, I am not sure the last time we all laughed quite so hard. For those of you that remember, WTF was a game that I received at the Esso Christmas party last year, and it also happened to be the game that Chris Jones brought over. I cracked up that someone else also owned this fabulously tacky/trashy/raunchy game. The questions consisted of hypotheticals such as: would you pull out all your teeth for one million dollars? Or which would you rather hang from your Xmas tree: live mice or used tampons? We finished off the night with Jackass the movie. Did I mention we turned this into a Pajama Party? Well we did. We all managed to overstuff ourselves at dinner and came home and immediately shed ourselves of jeans and cute tops and settled for velour pants and oversized college and/or suggestive t-shirts. I opted to not wear the Jager tshirt, as I have a tendency to vomit while sporting the damn thing... ironically, I wore it Thursday night to bed...
Saturday we went downtown to wander around and attempt to rid ourselves of some of the fat we packed on this weekend thus far. I'm not sure what exactly provoked it, but everyone was so EMO. It turned into a running joke... Billy was listening to his ipod and walking around -- yep, we deemed him EMO. I wore black nail polish -- so EMO. Dave had road rage - totally EMO. Elliott wore all black -- fucking EMO. It didn't matter what the hell you were doing, you were emo. And that's final. We went to dinner at Bubba Gump's then came back, got pretty and called our cabs. Hell yeah, no one has to be DD if they don't want to be! Genius idea. Luckily Shawn brought half of his closet and was able to dress both Billy and Elliott since they both only brought their emo wardrobes. Shawn brought his pretty princess clothes, so all was well. Elisabeth and I got to rock out our hottie headbands that we bought at the market earlier that day. Oh we were cuties, let me tell ya.

So we took our cab (and Amy's car) to Purple Tree. Duh. Everyone had an awesome time. From what I gathered, everyone loved the Tree. I'm glad. I really wanted to show all of our wonderful out-of-towners a bombass time. Seems like the mission was accomplished. Once the "Mondays" took over the club and we could no longer breathe, we decided it might be time to head to Thee Southern Belle. This was after I was sure to give Dave an amazing lap dance in attempt to show the rest of our friends what the strippers were going to do to all of us. Little did I know that I would be the only one receiving the type of attention from strippers that I just gave to David...
So we pile in the fucking taxi van. Oh yes, van. And we get to blare Bon Jovi "Living on a Prayer" and scream to one another the whole way there. Well, Dave didn't scream, he instead counted how many railroad tracks we had to pass before we got to the nudey bar. It's 3, by the way. Just in case we ever need to go again, or something. Lucky us, we came to the Belle the same night as Miss Pussy Polaroid came too! Seriously. Not even kidding. This crazy bitch got up there, and for $10, you could sit in the chair while she either did a handstand with her goodies in your face, perched on your shoulder like a fucking parrot, or grinded on you completely ass naked. And then you got to keep the picture! WTF. Who does that? Well, apparently Billy decided to partake in the insanity. We were sure to post the obscene photo on the fridge when we got home. Holy God... So the remainder of the night was spent with small clusters of us crowding the stage in hopes of getting to motor boat the naked girls. Okay, well that's what the boys wanted... instead, it turned out that all the girls were in love with me. Seriously, one stripper took my entire boob out and gave the place a show, 3 more put my face in their boobies and shook me around ( I was dizzy a few times), and about 2 more girls put my boobs in their face. Good.God. Once we realized that I was favored by the girls, all the boys would come up with me because we knew that we could get her to come to our side of the stage... needless to say, everything smelled like strippers for about 30 hours after we left.
I think we made it home by 5:00 AM. We spent the next morning cracking up and retelling all the details that we could each remember. Between the 8 of us, we could collect all the events of the evening. Now it's Tuesday and I am still trying to recover from the absolute out-of-controllness that was this weekend. Thanks for a fucking awesome time, guys.