The Halloween Party

What do you get when you mix the Blues Brothers, the Ambiguously Gay Duo, a French maid, a black cat, an Ipod, a girlscout, a Catholic school girl, a guy that refuses to dress up,and a wrestler? The 102 F Halloween Bash, that's what! Ha. So hmm, imagine that, we found an excuse to drink ourselves through another Friday night. I got to the boys' apartment at 7:00 and started hanging decorations. Mistake. See, my little maid costume doesn't exactly allow for extensive movement, or any movement for that matter. Like seriously, I couldn't drink my fruity concoction without showing my ass. So hanging spider webs was a slight disaster... once the apartment was decorated, we were just sitting around drinking and waiting for our Beezers to get here. (Beezers is ridiculously good cheap drunk food in the form of 8 inch subs for those of you unfortunate enough to have never expereinced the Beezer.) We had the door open because the apartment was so hot. I was prancing around with my feather duster, Michael was doing the Bee dance, Joe was howling and Dave and Shawn, aka: Ace and Gary, were patting each other on the ass just as the Beezers delivery dude showed up. Awkward. Yet really amusing. We all kind of mumbled sorry and took our food and shut the door. Oh yeah and speaking of Bee Dancing, Michael had said that if he couldn't find a costume he was just going to come has Dave... with a bee dangling in front of his face and a nail taped to his forehead. And that is funny... After we finished eating, Shawn was going to make some Ecto Cooler, which is some ridiculous vodka/kool-aid mixture. Well, there was no sugar in the apartment, which meant Ace and Gary had their first mission of the evening: find sugar! The two left the apartment with a measuring cup and were dertermined to only return once the cup was full. Keep in mind they were fully dressed (like this) when searching for the sugar. Well, the got it, along with some really strange looks from passers-by they said. Ha. So, we drank a lot. Shawn and Michael finished off the Ecto Cooler pitcher that had a whole bottle of vodka in it, mind you. I had Malibu with a splash of pineapple all night, and Dave and Joe drank the usual Evan and Coke. We were waste cases. Dave and Shawn had attempted to make orange and black jello shots. The black turned out to be a kind of shit brown color instead. Both tasted like children's medicine. Both got us drunk. Okay, so can I just tell you that I cannot even begin to count the number of sexual inuendos made between Dave and Shawn. Everytime I turned around they were patting each other on the ass, making suggestive comments or just being gay. It was really funny because they are both such not gay guys (unlike some of the guys I've like in the past...) Yay for Dave being not gay... so anyway, we got bored later in the night and I really don't even know whose idea it was, but someone suggested we play Spin the Bottle. WTF? So basically we reverted back to 7th grade and kissed everyone in the room - like stupid peck kisses too. Lame, yet really funny. We eventually all passed out. Dustin,Shawns 16 year old drunk brother, wins the award for weirdest night. He had fallen asleep on the futon in the sun room and at some point he got up and went into Robby's room. Robby is the roommate that no one really knows at all. Like the kid could die and I don't think Dave, Shawn or Joe would notice for weeks. So Dustin ends up in his bed and Robby has to kick him out when he eventually came home. Well, the next morning, Robby tells Joe and Michael, "Ummm, I think that kid pissed on my clothes." Michael asked him why he thought that. Robby was like, "Well, they are damp and they smell like pee..." Michael and Joe cracked up. They said Robby took it really well though. Poor guy. It was a really fun night. We didn't do anything really crazy, but it was cool just to sit around and get ridiculous. Yay for Halloween.

Ready. Set. Camp!


This past weekend was Fall Break. [Insert joyous music here.] The maniac group of people that I associate with decided it was absolutely necessary to go play in the woods for this occasion. We actually decided like 2 months ago that we wanted to go camping, but it took that long to get a damn weekend that we all could. So we did. And I even made a soundtrack, featuring songs such as Black Betty, Free Bird, Take Me Home Tonight, King Of Wishful Thinking, Badd, and Yeah Toast! Just to name a few. (Yes, Yeah Toast is a song. You should download it. It's by Bob and Thom and it is the funniest shit you will ever hear. The End.)
So we ventured to the woods (i.e. Devil's Fork, with full bath facilites and concrete.) Whatever. We brought with us $84 worth of liquor, 6 cases of beer, a handle of moonshine and a cauldron full of sugary treats.
Keep in mind that the Camping Crew consisted of: Joe Long (the president of the drinkers), Nicole Cononie, Michael Cononie, David Kuhlman, Candle Fogle, Opie Gilbert, Erin Daniel and Corey Gibson. Aka: Raging Alcoholics. We only came back with 2 cases, a little bit of Evan Williams and some of the shine. Our activities consisted of drinking, eating, sleeping, wrestling, and falling out of chairs.
In that order.
We got there Friday night and before we even set up the tent, each of us had a drink in our hands in one of our very own
personalized alcohol cups that came out of our specialized camping cooler all decorated by me. Yay. We brought like 50 hot dogs and tore into them the instant we even felt a slight buzz. Two at a time was the way to do it. So, we're all just chillin, listening to the Ready Set Camp Tunes, when we hear some rustling. It was Nibbles. Nibbles the Squirrel. Somehow, Nibbles became a recurring theme throughout the camping weekend. Anytime something happened, it was Nibbles' fault. Damnit Nibbles, you ate all the laffy taffy. Damnit, Nibbles, where'd you put moonshine. Quit dropping acorns and other forest debris onto our heads, Nibbles. And the such. You get it. We enjoy overdoing it, can't you tell? So basically our first night consisted of us sitting around a wimpy fire, cracking up and getting wasted.
Okay, so when Erin's gets tipsy, she also gets insanely amusing. The night before we left to go camping, her, Corey and myself went to Walmart to buy all the supplies. Apparently,
giant balls are a staple within the camping world. Well, at least under our terms. Erin decided to do a dance with the giant ball. Our other ball was blue. We had one giant blue ball. Corey wouldn't let us get two blue balls. Ha. Yeah, so we sometimes revert to the perverted humor had by 14 year olds. Deal with it.
Drunkeness continued to rise, and things started to get funnier. You know the drill. Well, a bee decided to start harassing Dave. He is "highly allergic," as he so informed us. Instead of getting out of his chair or perhaps swatting at the insect, Dave chose to force his back as far back into the chair as possible, throw his arms into the air with his elbows back and his hands in fists close to his face and rock from side to side while grunting. The Bee Dance was born. Michael found this particularly funny and would do the Bee Dance whenever the mood struck him for the rest of the trip.
We all started eating boiled peanuts and I made some comment about how the peanuts tasted like the ocean. I was attempting to make the correlation that peanuts were indeed salty just as the ocean is. Michael found this a prime opportunity to make absolute fun of me. He was lile, "oooh it takes like the ocean; I wonder if I hold it to my ear I could hear the ocean too?!" And he put the peanut to his ear and cheered like he was a little 5 year old girl. Ass. It was funny though.
The next funny thing that happened, I am not quite certain as to the reasoning behind it, but suddenly Michael completely
fell out of his chair. No one asked him to move. He just fell over. Must have been Nibbles. Well because I made so much fun of him and even required a picture to be taken, I too fell out of my chair the following night. I didn't land gracefully whatsoever, but I'll be damned if I didn't save my whole drink. That bitch was full and just one splash got away. That's alcoholism for you: when you will sacrifice your assbone to save your precious Evan and Coke. Mmmm.
We all drank ourselves retarded, probably from doing things like
The Cononie Shake around the camp fire, gorging on marshmellows, making Joe faces, and harassing each other, and eventually packed into the tent. As you might recall, the same 8-person (*World's Largest Dutch Over, as we called it) tent. Luckily Opie and Candle brought an extra tent. We would have killed each other had all 8 of us slept in that thing. So okay, we're sleeping, and I woke up because Dave had completely taken over my pillow and was shaking. I looked at him, only to find him curled in a teeny ball with his knees tucked under his stomach, completely perpendicular to me, and completely on top of his sleepingbag. Dumbass. I was like, Dave! Get in your bag and move over! Jesus. It took me like 10 minutes to move his shivering ass around and get him into his designated sleeping sack. You're lucky you're so cute. Then, in a fit of rage while nightmaring, Corey does this strange snort, gasp, grunt noise followed by what would have been a long strand of obscenities had he anunciated in the least. I laughed. Erin had to pin him down and tell him to wake up. I laughed again. Just when we thought all was quiet in the tent, Michael starts... snoring. And I mean snoring. The boy is ungodly. So between Dave's weird positions, Corey's outbursts and Michael's unnecessary breathing, it's safe to say no one had a good night's sleep. Except for maybe Candle and Opie.
The next day, Dave was still shaking. You can bet he slept correctly that night. So, Corey and Opie decided to go on some exploration adventure. The rest of us stayed behind to sit around the fire pit and watch for Nibbles. Dave couldn't have gone anyway since he and Joe decided to tackle each other onto some rocks last night. Oh, the things alcohol makes you do. Well, another fine purchase from Walmart was
wax lips. I dunno. Something just came over us and told us we needed waxy objects to bite on. Whatever. They were funny as hell. It also takes little to amuse us, however.
I decided that I was pretty gross and wanted to go take a shower. Well, when I got to the shower, I debated on the possibilty that I might actually feel grosser when I came out. So I at least tried. Well, behind curtain number one, I turned the shower on and tried to adjust the head... well, in that process, the whole thing came off the wall, flew into the other wall, leaving only a vicious stream of water spatting from where the shower head should have been. Oops. So I tried curtain number two. It was two for a reason -- there were two humongous daddy long legs looking at me from the wall; like face level. Ewwwww. I actually did ewwww at the spiders. And then I quickly left the foul shower facilities. I chose dirtiness over grossness.
Then I passed out for 4 hours. Others joined me -- Erin for an hour, Dave for 2, but I accidentally slept for the whole afternoon. Which meant all I had to do was wake up and drink. Yessss. I don't even mean to be smart - it just happens. Ha. In the process of my afternoon sleep (not nap) Erin, Joe and Michael went fishing. They didn't come back with any fish, but Candle did come back with a heap of walking, poking, and killing sticks. The size determined the intensity of the stick, mind you. Thanks for the weapons, Candle.
A game of Circle of Death was necessary around the camp fire that night. However, being the lazyasses we are, we chose to sit in a semi-circle of death and just pass the cards to each other and take the top card off. Lazy, but fun none the less. While playing the game of doom, I looked at Candle in all seriousness, gave her a concerned look, then proceeded to ask, "Candle, can you close your eyes?!" She looked at me puzzled. "Because I caaaaan't!" Momentarily, Candle thought there could actually be something wrong with me, then it occurred to her that I was simply drunk and couldn't close my eyes because it caused me to spin uncontrollably. I made Dave stay up with me until eye closing was possible.
We got up the next morning and drove home as fast as possible and ran to the nearest shower. I took 3 showers in one. Eww, camping. So I'd have to say the camping excursion was a success. Minor injuries were had, many drinks were consumed, and we even came up with a new dance move. Yay, camping.

Too Many G's!

So I just got back from Six Flags, and holy crap was that fun! Candle, Opie, Dave and I all decided to haul ass down to Georgia today to go see just how many rollercoasters we could attempt without puking or dying. I'd say we did a damn good job. The second we got there, we got on the Georgia Scorcher -- the stand up rollercoaster. Ahhh! Way fun. Like so fun, I couldn't yell or open my eyes on the first hill because of TOO MANY G'S!!
Okay, let me enlighten you -- our on-going joke of the day was "too many g's." See, we went to ride the Mind Bender and then Batman after our Scorcher experience. Well, Batman sucks your happy ass seriously to your seat. In the midst of some ridiculous corkscrew flippy loop stuff, I hear Candle screaming "too many ggggg's!" I cracked up. Like could-not-contain-myself cracked up.
So after those rollercoasters, we hiked our asses over to Acrophobia, you know, the 200 ft. plumet of death? Right. That one. Well, I wimped out and said I couldn't do it right then, and we'd have to come back when the color in my face decided to come back.
We went to ride the Goldrush rollercoaster, which basically just jolted and jiggled us around a little. Sloshed around my brain blood. But for real, I had a headache that I swear was directly from Satan himself. Then our dumbasses got on the worst mistake ever -- the Georgia Cyclone. It's the big nasty wooden diaster than beat the living shit out of me. After we went down the first hill and my head was slammed 6 times into the "headrest" I knew I had made quite the mistake. My hips were bruised from the lap bar and I was trying to simply stablize my vital organs for the remainder of this disaster. Jesus Christ, someone needs to burn that machine.
We had to have intermission at this point where food became a necessity. Hamburgers sounded like a good idea. Until it cost us $40 for 4 of them. I mean, really. Who does that? Who charges that kind of money for a frickin burger? Buttheads. Eh, at least I was alive to enjoy my $10 slab o' meat... stupid Cyclone. I hate you.
And theeeen, we opted for the Superman rollercoaster. Way fun! Minus the incredibly foul smelling harnesses we were forced to be strapped to. Gross. But that ride is definitely the bomb. All 4 of us kept our hands stretched out like we were super heroes... and 8 years old. And of couse, Candle made references to the ungodly G-force that accompanied this Superman business. Whatever. You'd do it too. And see, I would have loved to have talked during these maniac excursions, but really, it's awesome if I can even laugh or scream in the process. Talking is simply out of the question.
We rode the Ninja next. Stupid Ninja. Got the crap beat out of me again. I think it was because there was no line at all, so we got right on - and my body was still processing Superman G's and was not fully prepared to experience Ninja G's and therefore I encountered internal G turmoil... right. That.
We then wanted Dippin' Dots, that cost $8 for 2 smalls. Bitches. We were going to enjoy our Dippin' Dots while waiting to board the Monster Plantation ride. It's a little boat ride through a "haunted" mansion that consisted of overstuffed silly creatures singing Halloweeny songs. As we were walking to go stand in line with 900 4 years and under children, somehow Candle managed to throw her Dippin' Dots all over the ground, as well as herself. Nothing was in her way. She really just threw them into the air. Oh, Candle. Tragic. So we stood in line with the little shits -- there's a form of birth control, if I ever saw one. Candle thought some of the kids were so adorable... it was all Dave and I could do to keep from snarling every time one of them glanced our way. Ewww, kids. So we rode our little boat through the creepy creature house and then it was time. Time to experience the 200 ft Death Drop. Acrophobia.
So we walk over, well, they kinda had to drag me... and I requested that we watch just how horrid this experience was going to be. I shuddered everytime the thing got to the top and just held those poor people up there for countless seconds torturing them with the inability of knowing just when they will be dropped back down to Earth. Blah. And then we got in the line of doom. Dave hugged me because he could tell I was basically having a complete shit fit. And he could actually feel my heart pounding. Ahhh. So we got on. Sat down, strapped in, and entered panic mode. I really didn't know if I could do it. Dave held my hand while we were waiting for take off. We were waiting for way too long and I began to get really flustered. All of a sudden, Candle blurts out, "Yeah Toast!" followed by Opie screaming, "French Toast!" (inside joke, people). And I cracked up. Thank goodness for Candle the tension reliever. And then we were shot straight up into the sky at an absolutely sinful height. They spun us around on the way up, let us hang out and look at the entire park, and then let us dangle there. Jesus.Christ. Dave had attempted to hold my hand the entire way up, I however, decided that it was vital for me to instead clutch my harness for dear sweet life. Once at the top, Candle started freaking out saying "let me down, I don't want to do this anymore, holy shit, this is not fun, way too high, let me down." I, on the other hand, tried to block her out and just stared out as far as I could see -- which was approximately to Columbia or so, and I just held on as tight as I could. And then we plummeted at 9 million miles per hour. I squealed at first, but then the breath was taken from me so I was silent until we stopped moving. Then I screamed "OHMYGAAAAAAD!!" at the top of my lungs. Damn you Acrophobia and your 9 million mile an hour plummet of death.
Well then we all suddenly became fearless and decided to go tackle the Mind Bender and Batman again. On the way over, a crazy acorn fell out of a tree and smacked Dave. He was like, " Damnit, I just got nutted on," in this calm voice. Well I laughed my ass off all the way until we got to the next ride. That was damn funny. So yeah this Mind Bender ride doesn't have any shoulder harnesses; only a lap belt -- and you flip upside down. So you are not restrained at all, which allows for maximum arms-in-air movement. Yesss. Well, the first time we rode it, I sat on the outside... this time Dave did. And apparently there is some lunatic jerky turn twist thing that caused Dave to completely lose all control over himself, which in turn, sent him plowing into me, causing me to bend at an unnatural angle and flail about the cart. His arms forced my arms down and also his body forced my body half way over the edge. So then we both burst into laughter and couldn't sit up straight, so for a good 14 seconds I was in a near death position. You're lucky you're so cute...
Then we rode the Batman with too many G's again. Candle almost puked. I was still in stun-mode from Acrophobia, so I was unable to decide if I was puke-ish feeling at the time, too. We rode one more ride each -- Dave and I chose the Scorcher again; Opie and Candle rode the log flume and then we chose to quit with the maniac rollercoasters because it was a serious concern that we might in fact die if we went upside down one more time in one day.
We came back to Clemson but made a necesary stop at Denny's in Anderson, whereupon we consumed ridiculously large quantities of breakfast food. Ohmygah, apple pancakes have never tasted so good in my life. And they didn't cost $40 either... so that makes them even better. We had Lisa, the white trash mother of 7 who was angry at the world, as our waitress. She was amusing to say the least. And then we all came home, dilerious and happy from our wild day. And then we passed the fuck out. The End.
So thank you Dave, Candle and Opie for all the fun and all the G's. Yay for Six Flags. Love you people.

Little Additions



Yesterday began as a normal day at the Esso. We were kinda slow because of the nasty weather, so Candice, our manager decided to go clean up the office. She was in there and kept hearing these squealing sounds so she got one of the kitchen boys, Trey, to come see if he could hear it too. They decided the noise was coming from the attic, so Candice nominated Trey to go play detective. Guess what he found? Three teeny baby kittens! Of course I don't know how to say no when it comes to teeny baby kittens, so I volunteered to help take care of them. Angie and I decided we would take turns babysitting them and also try to find good homes for the babies. It's near impossible for me to not take one or both, but I know I do not need another addition to my cat collection. Tucker and Twister and enough as it is. Angie took them to the vet where she got formula and little bitty bottles for them. Ohmygah it is the most precious thing to hold one of them in my hand and feed her with a bottle! It is also a good form of birth control because I barely can handle taking care of an animal, lord knows how much I'd fail with an actual human. Eeek. Sad news though, the little gray one in the middle didn't make it. He was the runt and we were having a hard time with him. Sad. But the other two are doing really well. And now I must go play mom and feed the little cuties. Yay for Esso kitties!

You Thought Wrong

Given the circumstances of the bullshit that has surrounded the previous 24 hours, I felt compelled to share the lyrics of a song that could not put the situation into any better perspective. Wait did I say 24 hours? I meant year...it all just came to a nice ugly ass head in the past day. The song is called You Thought Wrong by Kelly Clarkson and Tamyra Gray, and it's about this jackass who attempted to play both girls. Luckily for the girls however, they were smarter than the boy and exposed him for the lying, manipulative son of a bitch he is. Enjoy.

-Tamyra-
I see how you're tryin to
Weasel your way in boy
Know how you maneuver
With all your confusion


-Kelly-
You tell me that I'm your only,
And how bad that you want me
Then why are you so shady,
If I'm supposed to be your lady?


-Tamyra-
Why should I believe
Anything you say?
And how could you shame me that way?


-Kelly-
Tell me where,
Where'd you get the nerve
To even think that you,
You could play me boy?


-Both-
You thought that we didn't know
You thought we were in the dark
But boy you've done us wrong
Cuz we both know now
You thought you had us both
At your beck 'n call
But now who's the joke?
And look who's laughin' now


-Kelly-
Now you're tryin to use us,


-Tamyra-
Against one another but it won't work


-Kelly-
I see right through your game boy


-Tamyra-
And I know exactly what I'm in for


-Kelly-
You, you try to deny all your actions


-Tamyra-
For once in your life be a real man


-Kelly-
At least give me the proper respect of


-Tamayra-
The truth


-Both-
When I already know you did it


-Kelly-
Why should I believe
Anything you say?
And how could you shame me that way?


-Tamyra-
Tell me where
Where'd you get the nerve
To even think that you
You could play me boy


-Both-
You thought we didn't know
You thought we were in the dark
But boy your cover's blown
Cuz we both know now
You that you had us both
At you beck 'n call
But now who's the joke?
And look who's laughin' now
I see what you do baby
Tryin' to tell me you want me
Can't you just get it through your,
Get it through your thick head?
Cuz I've seen this game before
And I'm showin' you the door so
Shut your mouth
I'm not tryin to hear your lies
No not again


-Tamyra-
no, no not again...


-Kelly-
Sorry you couldn't be a better man
Oh...
No no no


-Both-
No, no, no, no, NO
You thought we didn't know
You thought we were in the dark
But boy you've done us wrong
Cuz we both know now
You thought you had us both
At your beck 'n call
But now who's the joke?
And look who's laughin' now


-Kelly-
Guess you thought wrong


-Tamyra-
Look who's laughin' now

Since You've Been Gone

So exactly how is it my fault if my ex boyfriend still calls me, texts me, looks at my pictures and reads my blog? really. I'd like to know how I control any of this. See, funny thing is, I'm the bad guy in the situation because he still talks to me. Sorry if I remain friends with someone after we had a relationship. And sorry if your ass can't deal with it. I'm not the one lying to you or hiding things from you, missy, so get your facts straight before you threaten to "post my blog" on your little webpage. Which actually, would be fine with me if you did, because I don't really know how that makes me look bad, you know? If you really have that much of a problem with me, then why don't you just talk to me? I'm actually not that scary. And the truth is, your "boyfriend" has been claiming to be single for a good many months now. So I'm sorry that you are being lied to. He did the same shit to me and Catherine. And amazingly, neither of us are actually psycho. Don't worry, he'll tell the next girl you are just as insane... so you might want to reconsider just who it is you are so angry with.

And please don't worry - I would never go back to him. And I have never intentionally tried to fuck you over -- I actually didn't know you were even still seeing him, based on what he'd told me. And I also can't control the fact that he is the one calling me 3 times a day instead of spending time with you. I mean, he's a cool guy and we had fun, but I've moved on and I have an amazing man in my life, now. So good luck. And really, if you need to talk to me, just talk.