Are We There Yet?

After reading Catherine's blog, I just realized that I haven't written anything since like July. That's lame. But it also makes sense that I haven't written anything since then because I feel like I have been too busy to enjoy anything enough to write about it. That's not completely true since there have been some really awesome events in the past few months (ex: Jenni's wedding, my bridal shower, Emily's bachelorette party, Megan's bachelorette party, and Emily's wedding) – these things were wonderful, left me exhausted, but wonderful.

In the midst of being this busy, I think I lost myself. All I do is plan the wedding and go to tons of wedding related events. I now understand how brides turn into bridezillas… yes, planning is fun, but it is extremely difficult when we have to travel 400 miles almost every weekend to go finalize this thing or make a decision about that. In the grand scheme of things, who cares how tall my cake is or what kinds of leaves are in my bouquet – think about how ridiculous that is?! But nonetheless, I got sucked into it all because I want everything to be so pretty and wonderful and have a "Nicole touch". I should have focused my attention more on the fact that I am marrying Dave, not how everything is going to look while I'm marrying him…

Ugh.

I had a mini breakdown this week, well, it might have been more than mini… I realize that I have no idea what makes me happy and I have no idea what the hell I want to do with my life. (This statement does not refer to Dave though because he is the only thing that makes sense.) I realize that I do the things that I have to do and I stick to what is routine… this even relates to what station I leave my Sirius radio on… I made myself turn the dumb thing off and put in one of my old Dave Matthew's CDs. I have no idea how long it's been since I chilled to DMB. Made me feel like Nicole again, just a little bit. I did the same thing this morning; I played a Matchbox 20 CD. Some of you might know that I was one of those people completely obsessed with music, especially music that actually had lyrics worth listening to… then, somewhere along the way, I decided I didn't want to listen to anything that made me think, thus the techno phase.

I understand that I haven't figured myself out since I moved away from Clemson. I knew who I was there – I was this maniac bar fanatic who partied like it was her job and all the while maintained a GPA somewhere around a 4.0. No, I don't really know how either… I had my circle of friends that were basically my new adopted family and we spent so much of our time together. I was so freaking happy there! And I was fun. I'm not really fun anymore… and that makes me sad.

When I knew Dave was moving, I knew in my heart that I could not live away from him. I was so in love with him and had wanted to date him for like freaking 2 years so once we finally were together, I didn't want him to leave me. So I went with him – which was great because now we get to marry each other in a month!! But that move broke me, to an extent… I never figured out how to define myself here. And that is something I am still struggling with. And I know its "okay" to not know, but I am sick of not knowing. I've always had some kind of plan and it makes me tear up knowing that when I try to visualize what the hell I am supposed to be doing, I can't see anything. It's blank. Well, it's blank when I try to visualize my career. What is scary and disgusting is that the only thing I can see is me being a mom. Which is so ironic and gross because I hate kids. But that's what I know I will succeed at one day.

I'm ready to get married and stop planning to get married. I just want to be there already and stop anticipating it -- its like some crazy road trip that turned out to be 300 miles too long... It's worn me out. I just want to stay at home with my fiancé for once and hang out. I need things to slow down a little bit so I can actually enjoy myself. And I need to quit being this weird person that I don't even know and just be Nicole again.

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