Don't Phunk With My Heart

Who knew I'd quote those crazy Black Eyed Peas?? So yeah, I said I wasn't going to write a blog today because I didn't want to be mean. I'm not going to be mean. I'm going to be real. And I know what is weighing on my mind: I want to give my heart to someone. I have before and it was such a wonderful experience. Of couse it hurts to break up, but I think it is foolish to not try just because you are scared of being hurt. Because in a sense, you are hurting yourself by not trying. What pisses me off, is that I am so willing to love someone - I want to -- I am currently seeking that out. Not that I am like on some crazy man hunt, but I am not afraid to have feelings for someone. And it's awesome when I can find someone who actually has feelings back. I know you all can understand that.
Everything surrounding love is fun -- the chase, the butterflies, the giddiness, the rush you get when you kiss someone and all you can think about is how you want to kiss him again. Everything surrounding love is also scary as hell. We fear the unknown. Love is the most unknown thing I believe we experience. It is the one aspect of our lives we really cannot control. There isn't a standard for relationships - they are all different, and we are these creatures that want to make sense of everything and have an explanation on hand for everything that happens. We can't do that with love. So we back out. We don't try. We push people alway when we realize we might fall. It makes me throw my hands up and just shake people sometimes and just ask, "Why?!" If you like me, try me. Sure we both might get the shit beat out of us emotionally, but do you know what the flipside of that is? It's amazing. And you know it. So don't worry constantly that you might get hurt or you might hurt me because if there is one thing I know, it's that I am just as scared of it all, I am just as much of a perfectionist, but damnit I will try when it feels right. And this time it really did/does/is.
:Insert forehead smack here:
Obviously... I mean I don't freak out like this over every guy that I might have a crush on. So once in a while I actually have to listen to myself.
Okay, there is one serious blessing/curse I have: my eyes. I cannot hide how I feel, whether it is happiness or anger. I can say I'm fine and you will know I am lying by looking into my eyes for just a few seconds. I also know that I can't hind when I have feelings for someone. But just because my eyes can show how I feel, doesn't mean I can come up with the words to explain the feelings.
God, I am going to pull my hair out. I seriously had to just get up and get a beer so I can calm the fuck down... but while I am upset, I'm not mad like at you... I'm just mad at you. Because that makes sense....
If there is one thing I have learned though, it's that you can't get mad at people for being honest - because hey, at least they were honest. I would just prefer if the honesty didn't come out in the form of you telling me that you in fact like another girl besides me and you tell me this while I am laying beside you. Yeah, that will make even the strongest person feel like a dumbass.
And like, I undestand that we are human. We fuck up. A lot. Where I seem to give myself a headache is when I try to figure out when to keep going or when to give up. Because right now, I don't want to give up. But I don't know if that's right - and that's what is hard. So it appears that I am the psychologist who now needs a psychologist. This is why I want to help other people -- it's easier for me to get involved in helping others than it is for me to try to figure myself out. Because I never know if I am doing the right thing. And again, I know that you can identify with that because I know that you too don't know what the hell you are doing. Which is why I think we should not know what the hell we are doing together. Like, let's be confused together - let's figure it out together. Let's fuck up together.
I just have a hard time hearing that someone likes me and wants to start something with me and then the next night hear that he likes another girl too and isn't quite sure of what he wants. I think that is a valid complaint. Wouldn't you agree? So I guess, I just ran myself in a circle (hmm, sound familiar - 10 page paper about why people have feelings), but maybe now my stance is a little more clear. I do still want to smack you in the forehead though.

5 Response to "Don't Phunk With My Heart"

  1. Derrick Says:

    I've been sitting here for quite some time thinking of something to say. What i think: the position you're in sucks, but i dont think you need a psychologist. How you feel is understandable. Right now what you need is patience. Have faith that if you do things for the right reasons that you'll find yourself in the right situation for you, whether or not it's what you initially set out to accomplish. Glad you were able to be real w/o being real mean. I may be alone with this opinion, but i believe it is good character to have the ability to express how you feel you've been mistreated w/o the use of spite/ violence/ put downs. Good luck, Nic.

  2. catherine Says:

    i think...that derrick is very smart. i love you cononie. and you deserve the best. and if it doesn't work out, just know that he wasn't the best out there for you. even though whenever people tell me that i want to smack them in the face, and i know it doesn't help at all.

  3. Megan Says:

    I would love to smack some people in the head...can I help you do it!!! I love you girl and would do anything to help you. I MISS YOU SO MUCH!!!!

  4. Anonymous Says:

    I disagree. Don't be patient. Just fucking go for it. Figure out what YOU want and do it. The only thing you should be scared of is the regret you will have if you do nothing. Anything worth a fight deserves a fight.

  5. Derrick Says:

    I think "anonymous" voted for Bush. No where did I say "stand back and let your life pass you by..." not that Nicole would do such a thing, she doesn't need advice on how to live. I just realized i never took you on rollercoaster road, damn.