I Love My K-Swiss. Especially at the Strip Club.

Remember how I said I should quit being all sappy and actually write something funny? Well, I found something funny. Be excited.
Friday night was nothing unusual at the start. We went to Overtime and got hammered. $8 Long Island pitchers is really hard to beat. And they have G-spots. The shot, you perverts. They also have ghetto fabulous dance party music. So why would we not go there? So the bartender made friends with us, and allowed us to try out some new beers such as Tire Bite Gross Beer and Ever Grosser Darkish Beer. Thankfully they came in little shot glasses. The latter of the two had a strange coffee like afterbite. How many beers are supposed to taste like coffee really? But it was like a trainwreck -- like, you know its horrible but you keep going back for more. I'd take a sip, shutter, my tongue would try to leave my face, and then I would take another sip. Whatever, it was amusing for Megan at least. And I aim to please. Or something like that.

So then we wanted to dance. I just wanna daaaaaaance. I mostly just wanted to show up the black people dancing like white people and also the questionable group of girls that eerily seemed lesbianish. Lesbians are okay, I just don't really want to be one or be like harassed by one or five. So yeah one of the girls busted out some dance moves. Dance moves like they do in the Nutcracker Ballet that is. Really. She was all twirly and bouncey and flowy and eww. Like really, don't do that. And she had on this goofy black painter's hat. My lip is uncontrollably snarling right now. Weird girl. So needless to say, she wanted Megan and I to dance also. Imagine that. So we did. And I got all overheated because I'm all sick because all I do is go to bars so my immune system divorced me. Told me I wasn't spending enough quality time with it...
Okay so last call came around and no no, we did not go to bed, but rather... Tiger Tails. Everyone always says they want to go there before they graduate... Megan and I have now been 3 times. That's just wrong. Well, they redid the place inside. No more white plastic pool furniture. And now the stage is right smack in the middle of the floor, only about a foot off the ground and there is no run way to get to it and the ceiling was like barely 7 feet. Which makes for really humorous pole twirling.So let me tell you about the lovely ladies who performed for us. Jesus Christ.
The first girl was ugly, but she could at least dance, but she had this strange scarf thing tied around her waist that she sometimes used as a twirly prop. Next was this girl the size of my pinky. Like really, someone give her a cheeseburger and stick that in her garter belt next time. Gah. On top of being stupidly thin, she could not dance. Looked like she was swatting bugs. And her thong? Granny as hell. All wide and not hot. And we were lead to believe that her tatoo was fake. It was like in the middle of her scrawny back instead of down low. Okay and she tried to like be sexy and throw her hair around and put her hands on her knees and shake her ass... she looked like she was doing the hokey pokey. Someone should really help her. Oh and she had on flip flops. Honestly, I didn't think it could get much worse that that. Boy was I wrong. Next up, Miss K-Swiss. So this girl comes hurdling toward the stage and like swings around the pole a few times and immediately begins convulsive ass shaking phase. I was dumbfounded. Not only did she have to get a running start for the pole, she had on K-Swiss. K-SWISS!! A stripper! Come on! wtf. Really. So once I got over that I began to watch her some more. We noted that she was not wearing one but two pairs of underwear. The first outside layer being a hideous white silky droopy granny panty thing, the inside layer being some gross thong. So she danced for this guy, whose mouth never closed and glasses fogged everytime one of these bitches was even near him. Well, she didn't completely take off her nice outer layer. Oh no, she just pulled them down to expose her ass and would then bounce her big ass around. Because of all the bouncing, the now droopy saggy underwear were like flopping around in between her thunder thighs. It was really disgusting. My lip is doing that snarl thing again. Eww. The owner came over the microphone and made some comment about how all ladies could take the stage. He had also told me and Megan that we could get on stage at any time that night if we wanted to. I said "I know." Sorry, I'm cocky and abbrasive. Ha. So well, Megan actually drug me on stage. Yep, check that off the list -- I've been on a stripper stage. I really did have to fight her to stay in my chair - I didn't win. So we get on the gross stage and I'm in these huge heels and I was like "Holy shit! No wonder she had on freakin' K-Swiss!" It's amazing that I didn't bust my ass - they had to have put like vaseline on that stage to grease that baby up. The entire time I was dancing I was bitching out Megan. I was all smiling and acting scandalous all the while going "I can't believe I'm on a fucking stripper stage at TIGER TAILS! I'm going to kick your blonde ass. What the hell are we doing up here!" She just laughed and proceded to grind her ass on me. Gah. Come to find out, we were the hottest and best things to take the stage all night, but then again it was Tiger Tails so I'm not really that flattered or surprised. Damn you Megan for putting me on that stage. I love you. And I did get to touch a real stripper pole. Ha.

So we let the strippers have their stage back. We sort of got bumrushed after we got off stage by some ninjas who thought we were really strippers. I mean, we had all our clothes on and we were still getting dollars thrown at us. That's amusing. So then Miss K-Swiss came back out. This time she had changed outfits into what could have been the most ridiculous piece of material I have ever been exposed to in my entire life thus far. So remember back in the 80s when women wore crazy spandex leotards to exercise or do gymnastics? Well, K-Swissy had one on, however it had holes in all the wrong places, or right places if you were that guy who couldn't shut his big nasty redneck mouth because he was drooling so much. Eww. Okay, it was this red sparkly leotard with a thong in the back and like a gapping hole for her gut. Which by the way, did hang over the skimpy material to cover her downstairs. And she would periodically pull back the pieces that covered those lovely boobs of hers. Ahh. And she had on the K-Swiss kicks. Wow. Our friend Matt, we call him Jiggy, decide to approach the stage. I damn near fell out of my chair, I was laughing so hard. K-Swiss Cheeks got down on all fours, shoved her ass in Jiggy's direction and started bouncing. Well, Jiggy's head bounced in the same rhythm with her jiggy ass. HA-freakin-larious. Her ass was like bounce bounce bounce and Jiggy's head was all bounce bounce bounce the same time. What a sight.So now I've experienced Tiger Tails for the third time. And really, the whole time I was there I was like "Where's Cookie?" Remember, the girl who gave me, Megan and Derrick the lap dance in Charleston? Yeah, Tiger Tails needs to trade Swiss Cheeks for Cookie.
Definitely... so now I've been 3 times. I really don't find it necessary to obtain a 4th, but then again, I have been known to do some crazy shit.

1 Response to "I Love My K-Swiss. Especially at the Strip Club."

  1. catherine Says:

    Oh my GOD i love you...your new journal is too beautiful for words. keep entertaining me.