The Napkin Diaries

For those of you unfortunate enough to not know Brudder, you are totally missing out. Michael aka " Brudder" (brother, duh. Get with the program) is 4 years younger than me and insanely intelligent. Total gym rat, life of the party kinda guy, and most importantly, is wildly amusing.

The kid makes me laugh. Every single time I talk to him. Seriously. And I don't just mean face-t0-face talk, I mean even stupid little IMs on Facebook talk.

Sometimes he sends me stupid shit, like this, to take up space on my Facebook so I look popular...
And then our conversation goes like this:

Seestor: Ewww, WTF is THAT?
Brudder: A bat being tooth brushed. Obviously.
Seestor: Obviously.



And then for the hell of it I googled "quotes about bats" and found this:

Bats have no bankers and they do not drink and cannot be arrested and pay no tax and, in general, bats have it made. (-John Berryman)

You're welcome.

Happy Friday, bitches.

My birthday was supposed to be February 28, and I mean, it happened, but not the way it was supposed to. I ended up driving to Delaware with Dave to go to my Great-Grandmom Talley's funeral - she made it to 100!
We stayed with Jen and Pete and rocked out to Sing Star. And on my actual birthday, I was with almost all my family members on my mom's side of the family, which was cool because I've never spent a birthday with them. We had some cake (that had beer shaped candles on it) and just hung out. It was nice.
I had planned to go out full-force in Charleston so when that didn't happen, I knew there was only one thing to do: reschedule. So we did - for Friday the 13th. We had a big cook out at the house with 14 of our closest friends, then went to meet up with our favorite Sniders at Pearlz downtown. I was already a bit lit and I made that painfully obviously when I dropped the bottle of wine on the floor before ever leaving the house. It put a dent in the kitchen floor. Sshhh, don't tell Dave.
We had our obligatory oyster shooter(s) at Pearlz and caused a scene. Screaming "BIRTHDAY" continued on for this weekend too. We really scream it every weekend. But maybe we should come up with other two-syllable words to shout.
Birthday do-over did not end there because the next night, Dave, Michael, Billy and I were out for Winnie's birthday and then we partied at Bucca's. We were the loud kids in the corner that needed to be put in time out.
This night was particularly entertaining because we thought that taking camera videos was a great idea. Well, it was for everyone except for Michael who ended up being the entertainment on the other side of the lens. The four of us were toasting our little teeny shot cups and Michael managed to tip his over and spill it all over the table. Well, that's alcohol abuse so we had to make sure he could enjoy his shot and asked our waiter to bring us 1 straw. I'm sure he was like "WTF," since we all had beer bottles in front of us. Eww, beer through a straw. So when I said, "go" Michael began sucking up Royal Flush from the table. And I began filming. And then he began to nearly barf. If any of us had been anywhere close to sober we would have realized how disgusting this was. Instead we found it wildly amusing and encouraged him to keep sucking. When the "pre-puke face" showed up though, I was like "Nooooo. Stop! It's not worth it! Stop now." So he did. Even though Billy pointed to the spilt mess and just said "Finish it."
We obviously spent Sunday recovering by watching Role Models and Madagascar II (Rooooooaaaaaarrrrrr)
Dave and I took off Monday and my brother stayed in town, so we started drinking again. What else is there to do on your day off? Billy came over with his super fun new girlfriend, Sally and we raised hell. We started off with a game of truth-or-dare Jenga which led to Moonshine cherries being eaten, which led to Sally licking a pine cone, which ultimately led to Sing Star. Dave and Michael did a wonderful rendition of "99 Red Balloons" that I happened to accidentally video tape... ah, the camera video recorded. Gotta love it. All you can see is them dancing from the back, like Party Boy of course, and screaming the words to the song at the top of their lungs while trying not to laugh hysterically. I heart video.
I also heart birthday do-over weekend!

who else is sick of driving, raise your hand? good lord, i feel like i live in the car! blah. dave and i went to waynesville this weekend, which is only a 4 hour drive, but i've been doing 4 hour drives all summer, so they make me want to puke now. well actually the drive was a little longer because we had to stop at denny's. i mean we HAD to... it's denny's and we love it. and its so ridiculous because it's not like either of us is just going for the sake of the other; we both are seriously obsessed with denny's pancakes. that how we know we are meant to be: our extreme passion for everything denny's. the day i figure out how to order country fried steak and apple pancakes will be the most glorious day. (no catherine, it's no biscuitville, but i mean, it's frickin denny's and you gotta love that.)
so i got to meet a lot of dave's family (finally). i mean, it's been a year, i suppose i should know who these people are. apparently there was a big rumor going around that dave was going to propose to me saturday, so we were all sitting around the kitchen table and everyone was just kinda staring at us... waiting. nothing happened. dave was like "yeah, let me finish eating my salami and cheese sandwich real quick then i'll get on my knee... not exactly the perfect place to propose." ha, thanks babe. the idea did cross my mind though. it made my hands sweat.
so i got the shit beat out of me on the lake sunday. it was sweet. jeff (dave's dad) pulled me on the "Y" which is like a big tube, but instead its in the shape of a "Y" and it goes by the name of "Y-not." well y-not threw my ass off twice. well, actually i guess it was jeff's doing... anyway, i thought i was going to semi drowned one time because i went under water and i didn't really understand where i was or what just happened. and my arms almost got pulled out of their sockets. you know when the driver decides to take the boat in a circle and it throws you to the side of the wake and makes you bounce like 5 feet in the air? well, yeah, that happened and i was trying to be a hardass and hang on. or maybe i was just too scared to let go. needless to say, i was thrown and went under water and got a ton of it up my nose. i was seriously disoriented when i came to the surface. and being the stubborn ass that i am... i got back on and did it all again. this time though, i was able to hold on when jeff tried to throw me off, it wasn't until y-not decided to fucking flip over that i fell off. i was pissed that i made it that far and then just all of a sudden got flipped over. wtf. and i got some serious wind/sun burn. so now i look super sexy. ha.
so yay for dave's family, salami sandwiches, and speed boats. super good weekend.

because i've sat on my ass and drank alcohol for the past 5 years of my life, i've become a little... out of shape. i know i'm not a cow or horribly obese, but i used to have tricep muscles and a hotter ass and whatnot. so because i have been bitching nonstop for about a year about what a fatty i've become, mom and dad bought me a personal trainer. or, paid for me to have one. whatever. so i will meet with rhonda the wonder woman for 11 more sessions in hopes of becoming a fabulously sexy bitch.
today was our first official session and, oh my god, i've never felt pain like this. i did lunges, leg presses, leg curls, leg lifts, standing lunges, 20 minutes of moderate intensity cardio, some crazy bending exercise with the big ball, and lastly... the throw downs. you know, the things where you hold on to someone's ankles and they throw your legs to the floor and you have to bring them back up just so they can throw them down again? aka: torture. i didn't even know you could work these muscles... well, places where muscles should be. good gah. so needless to say, i don't think i can walk anymore.
oh yeah, and she's making me keep a food journal, which is smart because now i won't put bad things into my mouth because i will know i will have to write them down. and then wonder woman rhonda will be disappointed. and we cannot have that. so no more cheese and mayo sandwiches with a side of ice cream. damn. so watch out, bitches, i'm about to be hardcore.

This weekend I was in Raleigh for my cousin Katie's wedding. Her and Wade were getting married on Saturday. My family got to the Hilton hotel Friday night around 7:30, where we immediately began drinking. Something about traveling just makes us crazy. So me, Michael, Jen and Pete (the newlyweds), and Dave and Loren got hammered. Ha. We ended up at Denny's at midnight and we stuffed ourselves retarded just about. I ended up having creepy crazy dreams about this weird midget ugly ass guy in a green and white striped collared shirt with acid wash jeans on. He was standing in the middle of mine and Michael's beds in our hotel room just lookin at me. And he had insanely huge teeth. Ewwww. And I woke up, but it took my eyes a few seconds to adjust so like I could still see the image of the creepy midget man at the end of the bed. Gave me the heebee jeebees.
Saturday at 2:00, Wade and Katie became Mr. and Mrs. Hendrick. Pretty wedding. Katie looked gorgeous. We all made a mad dash for the reception back at the Hilton. It took Katie all of 47 minutes to get plastered. Aunt Sharon apparently had refused to feed Katie all day, and she's a little girl, so basically she got loaded and then got completely out of control. At first, the DJ was horrid. He played "No More I Love Yous" as the bridal party was walking in... because that makes sense. Way to set the scene for the next 50 years of their lives. Moron. He kinda looked like a fat Ben Stein. And was a complete cornball. Then he started playing his crazy violin and attempted to turn the place into some kind of ho-down. We finally told him, after about the 5th Boys II Men song, that he better change the song line up or we might have to kick his doofus ass. He did... but he ended up playing Real McCoy, Quad City DJs, and Ace of Base. I shit you not. And we actually did the train around the entire room while "Come on Ride the Train" was on. I was slightly uncomfortable because I was sort of supposed to latch onto Wade's dad, who used to/is some crazy CIA man. And plus, its just weird to touch any Dad's waist. Even though it was goofy 90s pop music, it allowed for the Cononie Shake however, so all were satisfied. I had to call Joe after "I Saw the Sign" was played. I couldn't take it anymore. Someone had to know just how ridiuculous this night really was.
So okay, we were all dancing, singing, sloshing our Coronas around, when we all kind of backed off and just watched in horror/shock as Katie went buck wild. You know what people look like when they are swatting bees above their heads? Yeah, Katie looked like that, but add that in with some weird hip swivelling and a big poofy wedding gown, a glass of wine in hand with the deathgrip to ensure it stays in place, and some "wooooooos" for vocal effect. Holygod it was too funny. Then after flailing her arms for a few moments, she'd bend herself in half, touch the floor, and pull her dress up on the way back to her upright position. Then she'd run around and rub her dress on the nearest 3 people, put it back down, flail about, then do some kicks, like the Russian Dance kicks.... in a wedding dress. Then she would add in a split or two, but always threw her hands in the air for someone to help stand her up. Repeat this 86 times for full effect.
Then came time for the throwing of the bouquet and garter. Jesus. First, her gay friend Jarred stood with the girls while she threw her flowers, then he also stood with the guys as Wade threw the garter. Let me first tell you about the garter removal experience. I actually had to look away it was so umm, tacky. Like really, Katie hiked her skirt up so high that we basically got a peepshow of her downstairs, she flailed around while sitting in the chair, then Wade used his teeth to pull the bitch off. He like licked her leg all the way down. I looked away around the time his tongue reached her kneecap.
Then Jarred had to put the garter on Stephanie who had caught the bouquet. Jarred also used his little gay teeth to apply the tainted garter to her leg. And um, her legs aren't exactly cute and small and dainty. We basically got to see Stephanie's downstairs too, since Jarred shoved the damn thing up as far as it would fit. Oh joy.
So needless to say, it was actually a hell of a good time for what started off as a lame reception. Around 9:30, me, Michael, Jen, Pete, Dave and Loren went swimming with about 22 beers (18 beers that each of us probably consumed at the wedding, plus a good 4 more for each while in the pool). Smart, I know. Really ridiculously fun though. We would sit in the hot tub, get grossly hot and then cannon ball into the pool and throw the life raft to each other or use the big stick to scoop each other out. It was only a 5 foot pool, but there were a few times I swore there was a bottomless pit beneath me. My ribs and abs actually hurt from running around and doing relay races in the frickin pool last night. Yeah, we acted like a bunch of 11 year olds and it was damn fun damnit.
So yay for really fun drunk weddings and the fun drunk events that follow.

This past weekend was my cousin Jen's wedding. Her and Pete got married Saturday June 4th in Wilmington, Delaware and it was such a beautiful wedding. And a badass good time reception. Everyone had such a great time and got completely t-rashed! Michael and I even did the shoulder shake on the dance floor together. Ha. My mom and I had flown into the Washington airport Thursday and we drove the remaining 3 hours to Delaware. Our flight home was scheduled for 5:00 Monday afternoon. Yeah... that would have been nice.
We got to the airport around 2:00 just because security and check-in and all that shit is a pain in the ass, especially since it is Washington DC. Well, around 4:00, our flight had been delayed until 6:40 due to weather. Fine. I had Cosmo to read so I was well entertained. Well, around 5:00, our frickin flight was delayed until 10:00 pm. WTF?! Do you know how badly that sucked to hear? So we had to get in the damn customer service line to switch our tickets to the 10:00 flight to GSP airport. So mom and I were sick of sitting in stupid concourse G terminal and decided to go roam around the other terminals. Washington airport is huge. You actually have to take these goofy space-like buses to get to the other terminals and to the baggage claim area. It's pretty overwhelming, honestly. So, we got to the other terminals and realized that other airlines were not delaying or canceling flights so we were pretty pissed off that United Air was doing this to us. Mind you, this is the bastard airline that is going bankrupt... gee, I wonder why.
So we tried to get other flights with other airlines but they were all booked of course. So we wound up back in our terminal... whereupon our flight was canceled completely. What the hell are you supposed to do when that happens? And these bitches were no help. And foreign at that. I'm sorry if that is racist, but damnit I want to deal with someone whom I can understand and who knows what the fuck they are doing. So, we have to get back in the stupid customer service line and switch our tickets so we can now fly into Columbia. Because that makes sense. You have to fly right over GSP to get to ugly Columbia... whatever. So we got our tickets changed and our luggage swapped; so we thought. So this flight was also supposed to leave at 10:00. Of course it got delayed... until 11:40. We didn't board the bitch until midnight. All the while, Mom is on the phone with Hertz, the rental car people, so we can drive back at 1:00 in the damn morning to Simpsonville. Hertz said they would stay until 1:00 am for our flight to arrive. Good thing we didn't get off the mother f-bomb ground until 2:30 in the morning... yeah. Holyshit I have never been so mad and upset in my life.
Mom and I were sitting on the plane at midnight and the pilot told us that they just had a little bit of paperwork to finish and then we would be on our way. Cool, we though. Then this crazy lightening storm comes barreling through causing the entire airport to be on a groundhold. Ugh. Well, once the storm stopped, we were still sitting there. It was about 12:50 by this time. So Mom is at her wit's end and she is like "I have to get off this plane - NOW." So we actually got off a plane. That's really scary... we went back inside the terminal to try to get on the morning flight because by this time we figured the car rental place would be closed and we wouldn't have a way out of Columbia until the morning anyway. So Mom is talking to this guy and she asked him to please get our luggage off the plane. he said, and I quote "I can't be the reason for the delay of your flight." Mom went apeshit. I was on the other side of the terminal and I could hear her yelling. I don't blame her... my turn was coming. She was like "Delay? Are you frickin kidding me?! That is all your damn airline knows how to do! Let me guess? You just dont have time to deal with this either, do you?" The guy was like 'Uhhhh." She was like "That is exactly what I thought." He was like "Well ma'am I'm sorry and try to have a nice night." Mom was like "Oh I'm sure you're sorry. And you know what, you try to have a nice night too." Then the bitch that had to walk with us off the plane was like, "It's possible that the pilot will not wait for you." Enter my turn to snap. This time, I was the one screaming. I was like 'What?! He better wait!" And you guys know how scary I can be when I get insanely mad -- imagine Mom and I both being this livid. I was scared for other people's safety. I was like "I swear to God, if this plane leaves us or cancels the flight, I am going to fucking jail because I am going to kill someone." Mom was like, "I'll be right there with you." So you know, we try to get on the 8:00 am flight to GSP - of course it is booked, but they would be glad to put us on the 5:00 flight. Right. Because that does us a lot of good. So we get back on the stupid plane. It is now 1:30 in the morning and we had to run down the boarding area just incase they were getting ready for take off... Right. Glad we ran just so we could sit there for another stupid hour. The reason we sat there for another hour was because we didn't have fuel. Are you fucking kidding me?! Isn't that some kind of prerequisite? Don't you have to have fuel in the plane before people can board?! Ohmygod... so we finally get a fuel truck to come... and guess what? He was out of fuel!!! I actually said outloud, "you're one job in life is to have fuel. And you can't even do that right. Jesus Christ." So we finally got fuel and the go-ahead to take off. I bawled the minute we got in the air. I hate flying. I had a complete panic attack. I freaked out on the flight to Delaware also. But this time I just lost it completely. My mom had to hold my hand and tell me that the scary plane noises were normal. I couldn't catch my breath and I was afraid to open my eyes because I didn't want to see outside. There was scary lightening everywhere and the pilot wouldn't fly above the clouds because there would be more turbulence. Which only meant that I would see the earth the entire time if we were to crash into it. I really though I was going to die on that plane. We had sat on the ground for so long that I convinced myself there was a mechanical glich and we were going to crash once in the air. And it doesn't help when the seat in front of you says "seat cushion turns into flotation device" Jesus.
We landed at 3:30 at the Columbia airport. Where I finally caught my breath. Low and behold - there was one lonely man behind the counter of the rental car place. Little angels were behind him singing "Aaaaah" I swear. He stayed for us!! God, I love South Carolina. Of course our luggage wasn't on the plane. Imagine that. It got sent to GSP - but there was acually someone to help us fill out a baggage problem form too! Thank God for those nice people. Mom and I got home at 5:30 in the morning. I talked to her the whole way home even though it was difficult for me to even make complete sentences. I was so drained and I knew she had to be even worse off than I was so I knew I had to talk to her to keep her focused. We made it. It was miserable, but we were glad that we at least had each other for support through it all.
I don't know if I will ever be able to fly again. It scared me so much. And what sucked was that I had flown before, but I guess it was on a bigger plane. I don't know. Either way, I'm just glad we made it back alive and in one piece.

I got a new car!!!
So the old Cellie is finally retired. She was so good to me. And damn we had some fun in that little red celica. Today mom and I went to Carmax because we had a celica transferred from VA and it had arrived. When we walked outside to see it, I really almost fell over. It's gorgeous. She is midnight blue, GTS, sunroof, spoiler, charcoal leather interior, 2000, hot alloy wheels, bangin system (that is going to bang so much harder because my wonderful Dustin is giving me his 10 and his amp. I insisted I take him to dinner - so I will buy him sushi and he will give me the hotass noise makers), and of course the keyless entry that beeps at me to let me know she's unlocking. Ohmygah I am so in love with this car. My parents are so great. And great doesn't really even do them justice - they are amazing. I love them so much, and not just because they bought me a badass car that makes me look way hot. They bought it for me for graduation and told me that I deserve it and it made me feel so good. Wow. I am too excited for words!