The Napkin Diaries

Okay, so there was this random bulletin "22 things about your #1 friend on myspace" so I posed one for Joe and he posted one back for me. Because they are so terrific, I am turning them into a blog so that when "Life as I Wrote it: Volume II" is issued, it will be one of the first pages. Woot. So, here are the fun facts: the first one is from me about Joe, second is about me from Joe. K. Enjoy. Happy Friday.

22 Questions about JOE
1) What's their name?
JOE!
2) Do you trust them?
with my life
3) How did you meet them?
i really don't know -- 148 k girls and the 102 f boys just started hanging out. then we realized we had a very common interest: getting wasted. we spent the next 3 years of our lives drunk together.
4) How old were you when you first met?
oh wait! now i remember the first time i met you -- it was at a lambda chi party -- you were drunk and you gave me your number in the front yard of the house behind esso. i think i was 20 years old then.
5) Is this person one of your best friends?
he IS my BEST friend
6) Say something that only makes sense to you and them?
this could take a minute:
can i get a morphine drip? one, two ways? i have three bottles of wine and boonedock saints, let's go.
i need jim the hippo.
i need an adult.
could you teach me to dance, hospital style?
i mell moke.
and i need you to check my downstairs.
can i borrow your rackets? i need to do the dance.
oh and can we please stay up and listen to techno and talk about headboards?
thanks for the meat, and for plugging my hole. good pancakes. ronnie said that you're toxic. c
an i borrow your windshield? it makes me feel invisible.
thanks for giving me a designated craft station in 102 f.
sorry my room beeps too much. sorry you own taz shorts. for real.
beer forts are cool. so are pool floats. and ninja parties at the pool.
save an otter. wear a floaty.
do i have boat eyes?
i'll be on lap duty any time you need me.
is this skirt socially unacceptable?
thanks for being on nicole time.
thanks for playing 90s music. yay for the deadbolt.
yay for out of control hair.
if i take a canoe to paris, will you push me?
but i came in for tonsils!
america, fuck yeah!
blinky! run!blinky! run!

7) Is this person older than you?
by about 9 months
8) when was the last time you saw this person?
when we played death dice twice. gah, too long! can't wait until ugly christmas sweater party THIS WEEKEND!!
9) when was the last time you talked to them on the phone?
i called him tuesday to tell him there were 12 bottles of wine in my office.
10) Are you related to this person?
he's my brotha from anotha motha
13) Are you their b/f or g/f?
no, just my BFF
14) Do you have nicknames for each other?
i pretty much just call joe joe.
and he calls me nic.
15) Do you have pics of this person on your myspace?
all over the place.
16) How many times do you talk to this person in a week?
we probably talk every single day even if it is via myspace messages
17) Do you think the person will repost this?
it's possible
18) Could u live with this person?
i pretty much was the unofficial roomie at the 102 all last year.
20) Why is this person number one on your top friends?
because he's joe fucking long and he is the best mother effing person/friend ever. zee end.
21) Have you seen this person cry?
i actually don't think i've physically seen tears. no.
22) Do you know this person's middle name?
HARRY!! woooooot. LOVE YOU.
____________________________________________________

22 Questions about the one and only Nicole Fucking Cononie
1) What's their name?
Nicole
2) Do you trust them?
i dont trust many people, but her i trust with everything
3) How did you meet them?
first time i remember seeing her was at her halloween party, she came in wearing her trucker outfit and telling everyone the rules to some drinking game, i thought she was pretty hot, and i was kinda scared of her, so i talked to her quiet friend instead

first time i remember us hanging out was downtown then on the cat bus

4) How old were you when you first met?
like a week away from 21
5) Is this person one of your best friends?
she IS my BEST friend, we've been through alot of severe good and bad times in life and i know shes always there for me
6) Say something that only makes sense to you and them?
Valasa Raptors!
2x4 and some pantyhoes
Do the pirate dance
Free glowsticks in the front
the gesture you make like fanning your mouth cause its hot, but in a really gay way
the bathtub just kicked my ass
smells like january and valtrex
damn the bathroom is locked, wait this trashcan will work
yay im a lama again
can we get a pitcher of christmas
is it like this or is it like this, or is it like this...
pewpty pants'
'great prices, by here!'
nic and joe show
bombpops!
want some limes
ewww! dont touch me
Baxter!
(not as good as your list i know, these were all off the top of my head)

7) Is this person older than you?
little younger, not enough to make a difference
8) when was the last time you saw this person?
too fucking long ago, but the countdown is on for shenanigans
9) when was the last time you talked to them on the phone?
tuesday, i got a call concerning wine, go figure
10) Are you related to this person?
no but i consider her one of my sisters
13) Are you their b/f or g/f?
BFF oh yeah
14) Do you have nicknames for each other?
went from niconie to nikky to nic, thats what its been for years now
15) Do you have pics of this person on your myspace?
shes pretty much in everyone
16) How many times do you talk to this person in a week?
at least once a day either by myspace or phone, sometimes telepathy
17) Do you think the person will repost this?
im reposting hers
18) Could u live with this person?
we pretty much did for over a year, made a deal that if either of us get really rich we'll all get a house together
20) Why is this person number one on your top friends?
for all the reasons listed up to now, shes awesome, ridiculously fun and crazy, i can trust her with anything, sweet as hell, my drinking buddy, pretty hot, always there, and the kind of friend you only find once in a while
21) Have you seen this person cry?
ive got a few mascare stains on my shirts before, but only when something really bad happens
22) Do you know this person's middle name?
i believe it is Christene (i dont think thats spelled right) but we replaced it with an F-bomb a while back

So yeah, karaoke got a little out of control Tuesday night. First, we took over the front table. Really pissed off Vixen and Company. Oh well. We're cooler. And we wear bras. Second, Ed Miller took a mini vacation. Which was really a disapointment. Third, we were complete stage whores. Joe signed us up as "Nicole and Such" to sing Take Me Home Tonight. Lord. Me, Joe, Candle and Jayson all went crazy on stage. Even did the point and thrust. So yeah, we were funny. And it was bound to happen. The four of us sing that song like, ohhh, all the time. So it was only right to perform it drunk for all to witness. Then all of a sudden Vanilla Ice was playing and me and Jon took over one of the microphones and screamed the entire song while using the hydraulics.
We took a mini break and just hung out at the table. Literally. Joe told me to put my stairs away. Yeah, it's an inside joke, I don't really expect many of you to understand. Then I had a text message war with Adam. Well, not really a war. We're dorks and have too much fun with texting, basically. And I just got a new camera phone, so I was very distracted for most of the night. But then again, it's me, and I am kind of one big distraction all the time...
One really cool part -- the awesome bartender gave me a free pitcher! Only charged me for one -- so I tipped him like 120%. Fair. They treat me right.
Then these crazy black people took over the stage to sing Back That Ass Up. Candle and I felt compelled to join. Well, Joe had to kind of push me around a few times, but then I was like "yeah, okay, I should be up there." This massive black dude was all like, "damn girl, you need to be up here in the front so everyone can see those fine ass moves." Guess where I went? To the front. I'm such a stagewhore. I know. Gah. Yeah, I thought I blew out my hydraulics in Charleston. Looks like they are back in business. Yessss.
So then somehow we were the last song of the night -- Shot through the heart and you're to blame, honey, you give love a baaad name! Me, Joe, Candle and Jayson went bananas. Joe and I had the microphones and basically sang to each other most of the time. There was a brief moment where I yelled "Jon Brown, you give love a bad name!" Haha. He cracked up. As did I. And about half the bar. I also incorporated the "Cha" into the lyrics about 6 good times. Ed Miller would have been proud.
The four of us and Jayson's fun friend Chris all went back to Joe's where we made our own Waffle House. This WaHo was much nicer to Candle than the real one. Poor girl. So yeah, I made 12 eggs, Joe made 14 sausages and we all ate the hell out of some breakfast. At one point, we were all silent and Jayson blurts out: why am i trying to put the sausage in my mouth longways? And damnit none of you better quote me! I actually spit milk out of my mouth. Sorry, honey that is too funny to not blog about. LoveyouJayson! God, that kid cracks me up more than anyone else. Candle ended up passing the fuck out like in the middle of the floor, Jayclimbingtrees and Chris went home, and Joe and I stayed up listening to techo and beating the crap out of each other. Sorry we were so loud. Ha.

In other news: I beat gray box Nintendo Wednesday night. It only took me 22 years and 54 men to make Mario 3 my bitch. And don't make fun. You people love me. So be proud.

This weekend I was in Raleigh for my cousin Katie's wedding. Her and Wade were getting married on Saturday. My family got to the Hilton hotel Friday night around 7:30, where we immediately began drinking. Something about traveling just makes us crazy. So me, Michael, Jen and Pete (the newlyweds), and Dave and Loren got hammered. Ha. We ended up at Denny's at midnight and we stuffed ourselves retarded just about. I ended up having creepy crazy dreams about this weird midget ugly ass guy in a green and white striped collared shirt with acid wash jeans on. He was standing in the middle of mine and Michael's beds in our hotel room just lookin at me. And he had insanely huge teeth. Ewwww. And I woke up, but it took my eyes a few seconds to adjust so like I could still see the image of the creepy midget man at the end of the bed. Gave me the heebee jeebees.
Saturday at 2:00, Wade and Katie became Mr. and Mrs. Hendrick. Pretty wedding. Katie looked gorgeous. We all made a mad dash for the reception back at the Hilton. It took Katie all of 47 minutes to get plastered. Aunt Sharon apparently had refused to feed Katie all day, and she's a little girl, so basically she got loaded and then got completely out of control. At first, the DJ was horrid. He played "No More I Love Yous" as the bridal party was walking in... because that makes sense. Way to set the scene for the next 50 years of their lives. Moron. He kinda looked like a fat Ben Stein. And was a complete cornball. Then he started playing his crazy violin and attempted to turn the place into some kind of ho-down. We finally told him, after about the 5th Boys II Men song, that he better change the song line up or we might have to kick his doofus ass. He did... but he ended up playing Real McCoy, Quad City DJs, and Ace of Base. I shit you not. And we actually did the train around the entire room while "Come on Ride the Train" was on. I was slightly uncomfortable because I was sort of supposed to latch onto Wade's dad, who used to/is some crazy CIA man. And plus, its just weird to touch any Dad's waist. Even though it was goofy 90s pop music, it allowed for the Cononie Shake however, so all were satisfied. I had to call Joe after "I Saw the Sign" was played. I couldn't take it anymore. Someone had to know just how ridiuculous this night really was.
So okay, we were all dancing, singing, sloshing our Coronas around, when we all kind of backed off and just watched in horror/shock as Katie went buck wild. You know what people look like when they are swatting bees above their heads? Yeah, Katie looked like that, but add that in with some weird hip swivelling and a big poofy wedding gown, a glass of wine in hand with the deathgrip to ensure it stays in place, and some "wooooooos" for vocal effect. Holygod it was too funny. Then after flailing her arms for a few moments, she'd bend herself in half, touch the floor, and pull her dress up on the way back to her upright position. Then she'd run around and rub her dress on the nearest 3 people, put it back down, flail about, then do some kicks, like the Russian Dance kicks.... in a wedding dress. Then she would add in a split or two, but always threw her hands in the air for someone to help stand her up. Repeat this 86 times for full effect.
Then came time for the throwing of the bouquet and garter. Jesus. First, her gay friend Jarred stood with the girls while she threw her flowers, then he also stood with the guys as Wade threw the garter. Let me first tell you about the garter removal experience. I actually had to look away it was so umm, tacky. Like really, Katie hiked her skirt up so high that we basically got a peepshow of her downstairs, she flailed around while sitting in the chair, then Wade used his teeth to pull the bitch off. He like licked her leg all the way down. I looked away around the time his tongue reached her kneecap.
Then Jarred had to put the garter on Stephanie who had caught the bouquet. Jarred also used his little gay teeth to apply the tainted garter to her leg. And um, her legs aren't exactly cute and small and dainty. We basically got to see Stephanie's downstairs too, since Jarred shoved the damn thing up as far as it would fit. Oh joy.
So needless to say, it was actually a hell of a good time for what started off as a lame reception. Around 9:30, me, Michael, Jen, Pete, Dave and Loren went swimming with about 22 beers (18 beers that each of us probably consumed at the wedding, plus a good 4 more for each while in the pool). Smart, I know. Really ridiculously fun though. We would sit in the hot tub, get grossly hot and then cannon ball into the pool and throw the life raft to each other or use the big stick to scoop each other out. It was only a 5 foot pool, but there were a few times I swore there was a bottomless pit beneath me. My ribs and abs actually hurt from running around and doing relay races in the frickin pool last night. Yeah, we acted like a bunch of 11 year olds and it was damn fun damnit.
So yay for really fun drunk weddings and the fun drunk events that follow.

oh, by the way, my last blog was happy because i left out all of the ridiculous fucking drama that happened in the midst of memorial day weekend. to sum up -- never expect me to be around for freedom weekend again. it has proven to be the most screwed up weekend of the year, every year. and for me to still be shaking with anger 3 full days after the events means that i am really hurt, pissed, and completely baffled at some people's selfish and thoughtless actions. but, i refuse to let stupidity ruin the remainder of my month, (which is only 2 days, i do realize that, but it's the principle of it or whatever)so i have forced myself to listen to music that will make me smile, if not completely crack up -- its my "you cant get mad because you are listening to ridiculous 90s music" playlist, and really, it works. some ridiculous 90s songs that have been added to the list are: c&c music factory - everybody dance now; real mccoy - run away; spice girls - wannabe; new kids on the block - step by step. i am so serious too. i've always used music as an outlet, however i will admit i never thought i would have to use it to make myself laugh. if you can't laugh the second you hear "sooooo i'll tell you what i want what i really really want," then yeah, that's too bad.
also, saturday morning joe and i woke up at 6:00 am because we were still so horribly mad, but i ended up telling him the story of how i couldn't say "s" sounds when i was like 3. i therefore would say things like "i mell moke!" when i indeed smelled a cigarette or fire. and screaming "i mell moooooke" makes my sides hurt from the laughter that phrase creates. and then to accompany "i mell moooke" with "have you scheen my downschtairsch?" makes for laughter that may induce fainting because you can't breathe due to shaking and laughing. and its that laugh-so-much that you've actually succumb to the silent shoulder shaking laugh with an occasional gasp for air. so i thank god for my sense of humor and my ability to laugh because i really would have beat the shit out of some person(s) if i couldn't calm down. actually i wouldn't have beat anybody up, my brain can't process the act of hitting someone. but damn i sure did act it out in my head. so iloveyoujoelong, for keeping me laughing and also for not breaking my banister, because i indeed will need a railing tomorrow.
moral of the story: listen to spice girls and tell silly toddler stories when you are really mad. because you can't stay mad when the boys of new kids on the block are swooning you with "step by step, oooooh baby. gonna get to you gurr-urrr-urrr- rrrlll." see, bad 90s pop music does serve a purpose: keeps me from punching people in the face.


and one more time just for the hell of it -- i mell moooooke!

I got to pretend I was famous Friday night. Somehow Michael was able to get a limo for us to take to Freedom Weekend. Do you know how cool I felt? It's rare for me to actually feel cool, and I so did Friday night. Me, Joe, Emily and Michael were all excited waiting for the limo to come get us from the apartment. I made some comment about how I was going to crack up if it was white with like gold hundred spokes or some shit -- low and behold, the bitch was white. no crazy rims though. Still made me laugh. Our limo driver was this crazy Brooklyn guy. Accent included. So we piled in the thing and got absolutely wasted. I finished an entire bottle of red wine, Emily had champagne, the boys had hard liquor - very very bad ass. On the way there, I would roll down the window just far enough for people to see my big tacky sunglasses. Then I would wave and blow kisses like I was some famous chick. Ha. We had to pick up Zach and I made Joe get out and go take a picture of me sticking my tacky head out of the window. Oh, I thought I was so cool. So yeah. We got the limo driver to park and let us keep drinking once we got to Freedom. But the only problem was that Joe and I really really had to pee. We had no idea where the potties were so we just started walking in the direction we were pointed in. Well like seriously, there were no bathrooms anywhere. And we couldn't hold it much longer... so we found this baseball field that had bathrooms -- and the bitches were locked!! So instead of peeing in the bathrooms we just had to pee next to them. At 6:30 in the afternoon... in broad daylight. Oh, the nonsense Joe Long and I get into. Too funny. So then I continued to roll down my window and wave to people once back in the limo -- I really confused a few bystanders. Everyone wanted me to be like 'Hey, I'm Katie Holmes. Want an autograph?" but my guess is that is somehow illegal. So I opted to throw myself back in my glass of wine and laugh about everything.
Finally we got kicked out of the limo so we were forced to go to the concert. Honestly, the limo was way more fun than actual Freedom Weekend. But I did get to see Matt Mullinax and hang out -- which was very cool. I'm always so glad to see Matt.
The limo we took back to Clemson was even cooler than the limo we took there -- this one was a black stretch Navigator. Pimp as hell. And we had Senn with us this time around. Crazy lights in the ceiling, bombass stereo system and even more huge than the first. We were so silly drunk and all I wanted to do was dance, but I ended up doing this goofy knee-knockin, pigeon-toeing, arm-flailing move that I've never done before but apparently thought looked really cool since I could see my reflection in the windows and the mirrors around the bottom. This in fact was not a cool move and I have asked Joe to make sure I never repeat that dance again. I also kept wanting to crawl around from the front to the back of the limo, so while I would attempt to move around, I'd be like "I'm sorry if you can see my downstairs," because I had on my teeny jean skirt that is basically worthless... unless my goal is to show my downstairs. So everyone probably got to see my underwear, but hey, at least I had them on... Ha... sorry if you saw my downstairs... that phrase alone cracks me up. So yeah, the limo stuff was definitely cool. First time I'd ever been in one, or two in one day for that matter. So I lost my limo V-card and I have to admit, it was worth it.