The Napkin Diaries

So the last two Tuesdays have been obnoxious.  I've left work at my normal 4:45 time, and then get on the highway and for some dumbass reason, I-526 is a parking lot and I miss my gym classes.  The first Tuesday that this occurred, my two work besties were already at Happy Hour at Sesame, so clearly there was only one place for me to go. 

If I can't burn calories, might as well consume them, right?  Whatever. 

So now that I was clearly on a downward spiral, I decided to chug my beers and willingly disclose the most disgusting sex dream I've ever had in my entire life.  And of course I decide to tell the two maniacs who will likely mock me for the rest of my life and never let me live this down.

See, there's a back story - Cortni has been taunting me basically since the day we met that I'm going to have the misfortune of eventually having a sex dream about someone in our office.  Particularly one of the more uh, disgusting ones.  And very hairy.  Every chance she gets she's all "Ewwww, you're totally going to dream about Hairball and all of his fluffy hair.  And you're going to run your hands through it and like it."

And then I die a little on the inside and I get a terrible mental picture and just GROSS.

And then one day, one horrible sad day, it all came true.  The dream happened. 

In the dream, I was laying all sexy on my bed, waiting for my "boyfriend" (let me be clear, my boyfriend in the dream was NOT the Hairball, but some anonymous cute boy), to come into the room for a nice naked surprise.  But insteeead, Hairball busted through the door.  And proceed to try to pet my face and tell me its okay.  In a quick attempt to save myself, I did this awkward cover-my-goodies move and cry "It's not for yoooooou."  And then I forced myself to wake up.

Y'all.  It was traumatic. I woke up sweaty, and not in the fun way.  I was so disturbed that I thought I'd have to take this disgusting dream secret to the grave.  How was I ever going to be able to speak of this?!

Or... because I'm apparently a sucker for self-sabotage and could only hold this little gem inside for a few days, all it took was about 3 beers before I was all pinky-swearing with them to never tell anyone.

So, I told them.  And they mocked me.  But surprisingly, I felt a little relieved that I shared my dark secret with someone.  Then the more we discussed the disgustingness, the more we thought it was pretty blog-worthy, but my main concern was that I would not be able to accurately portray the "cover-my-goodies" move. 

But no worries.  Oh-ho no worries at all. Clearly, Katelyn had this all planned out. Clearly, she created the most obnoxiously accurate picture ever.  CLEARLY, she was absolutely 100% able to perfectly depict the essence of my pure horror when Hairball walked into my sex-dream-gone-bad and forced me to whimper, pathetically, "It's not for yoooooou":


And with that, I leave you. 

so, saturday night dave and i decided to have a "nice" dinner out (i.e. not fast food). i wanted to go to wild wings, but they were insanely crowded, so we chose charlie t's instead. i had been craving chicken for whatever reason, so of course, that was what i ordered. low and behold, not even an hour after dinner...
i got food poisoning.
oh.my.god. i would never wish this pain upon anyone. it is the most violent illness i have ever experienced. it came with a disgustingly high fever, chills and lots of miserable bathroom time. and man, do i know that dave loves me because he helped me though all of it.
it started saturday night, lasted all day sunday, most of monday and now i am still queasy on tuesday. i advise you to never eat chicken at charlie t's. ever.

102 F hosted a Moonshine Keg Party last night. Turned out to be rather interesting. I will do a mini recap of the evening for you:
- I came over and did Dave's laundry. Dave was not present.
- We had a keg with no tap until Dan got there.
- Shawn ate a strawberry that had been soaked in moonshine. I don't think it tasted good.
- Shawn later threw up.
- We made a beer pong table out of Joe's closet door and dressers.
- There are about 30 people there that I did not know. I think they were under age, too.
-Ashley Pike, Ashley Alden and I had a very interesting conversation about 2 guys that we know. Both of which we believe to be gay. And creepy.
- We wrote our names on our cups and still managed to drink from cups with other people's names on them.
- Gabby and I had a really good psychology talk.
- Joe's "sex lights" were a hit. We thought they would be sketchy. Turns out people like them.. or maybe they were sketchy themselves.
- Senn wore someone's beer... in his lap.
- I vandalized Dave's bathroom mirror with lip liner.
- We finally got a picture of Robby.
- Some dude played Excite Bike on old school Nintendo. And got really excited about it.
- Stephanie has now coined the phrase "Duck Lips". They look like this:
- I actually made a trip to each bathroom in the apartment. All for specific reasons. I've never done that in one night.
- Some chick was really impressed with my shirt that said "Turn Me On"
- There were a large amount of Asian girls there.
- There was drama. But I think it helped the girls bond.
- Most of us got high off the markers that we wrote on our cups with.
- I made a turkey, cheese and tomato sandwich when I came home.
That pretty much sums of the Moonshine party. Moonshine = Bad. Shawn can tell you. I could have told you that, too actually.

This blog is basically for Jayson, and also for Joe too since I retold the entire evening to him when I can stumbling into his apartment at 2:00 in the morning. So Tuesday night was absolutely insanely funny. We went to crazy karaoke (duh) where the first act that we paid attention to was the deaf guy. Really. A deaf guy who sings karaoke. Which I mean, its honorable - you gotta give him credit for trying. But I think one try is enough. As Joe said it, "once i heard a cat get run over and it sounded better than that." I don't really think he did hear a cat get run over, but you could imagine... and I don't mean to be mean, I really don't - I give the guy credit for trying, but I really wish he would take up marathon running, for instance. He'd be good at that...
so then Joe had to leave us. Way sad, because he is becoming my new hip ornament and I have a hard time functioning without him next to me. So it was just me and Jayson. Which really seriously was the funniest night in like all of karaoke history. First, we started doing the sketchy dance. The point your finger, thrust your hips, lick your lips, and stare too long at one person dance. We then resorted to the horrible Elaine (from Seinfeld) dance. Holy shit that was funny shit. Like imagine a normal rap bass beat, and then bend your knees, thrash about and snap on separate sporadic occasions while adding weird pelvic thrusts in awkward directions with no sensible rhythm while remembering to not stay in any kind of sync with the original beat given to you. Believe me, you will laugh, and everyone will laugh at you. And what is sad is that I know of at least two people who dance in this fashion. God help them.
After being sketchy dancers (hold me closer tiny daaaancer), Jayson and I shimmied our way to the front of the bar so as to catch a "better" view of the stage. If by better, you mean funky nacho smelling area with creepy staring guy and glittery shirt hobag. Mmmm, I love the "better" view already. So yeah, me and Jayson were minding our own business making fun of everyone else in the bar, when all of a sudden Jayson gets this revolting look on his face and proceeds to flare his nostrels, furrow his brow, curl his lip and scream "what the fuck?!! do you smell that?! what is that?!" I almost fell out of my chair laughing. I was like "Dude, what the hell is wrong with you?" He then morphed into psycho sniffer and sniffed everything within a 10 foot radius... including me. So I sniffed back.... whatever, so we thought it was nasty glitter hobag girl that smelled like funky nachos. But when she came closer, we realized it was not her but rather, disgustingly obese sweaty arms-cut-off-shirt guy. Like, so sweaty he had the sweat marks from his neck to his large belly area as well as the sweaty back look. Yeah, I threw up a little in my mouth. I mean, I've heard of people who sweat out beer, but to sweat out nachos?! Come on?! Then that song that is like 'Just like Roonnnnnie said/be my little baby.../ take me home tonight,/ I don't want to let you go til I see the light" came on. And for whatever reason, it was so freakin funny. I mean think about it, sweaty nacho guy who is now dancing with glittery slutface girl (who was on the verge of doing the sketchy Elaine dance) with "take me home tonight" blaring in the background with some offkey doofus singing, makes for a really funny scenario. And then this weird guy in the yellow shirt kept staring at me. And like, not even a flirty smiley stare, just a blank creepy ewwww stare. I was like "Really, wtf?" So Jayson backed up and watched the dude walk by me. I kinda yelped and did the grunt I do and snarled a little. Who stares with no expression? Gross. So yeah, funny chain of events... If you don't think so, well then you suck. And you shouldn't read my blog anymore. Because damit, that shit is funny.
So after that, Jayson and I really couldn't take anymore. So we left. We went to Esso because we wanted to find Candle and get "Night at the Roxybury" on her ass -- you know, slam her back and forth between the two of us and bob our heads frantically to the side. Yeah, but when we go to Esso, no one was there except for the big scary bouncer man who was standing inside with his arms crossed behind the bar just shaking his head at us. We quickly left. So then creepy Manson stalker girl called Jayson for the 59th time and was like "I left you 17 messages telling you I was at Loose Change, gah, why aren't you here too?" So Jayson was like "Gah I swear she is the spawn of Jeffrey Dommer... well wait, I don't know why I said him instead of like Charles Manson since her last name is kind of Manson..." So we also decided Loose Change was a good idea because Beezers is next door to it. So we get in there, and like noshit, within 7 seconds so weird bug-eyed dude is like petting me, asking me about my lifestory and really I think he wanted to be in my skin he was standing so close to me. I kept giving Jayson the save me look, all he did in return was the sketchy bar guy act where he'd squint his eyes and lick his lips and point. Thanks Jayson. So yeah... we left and got some damn Beezers and god it was so good. With olives right, Jayson? Or wait, was that oil and vinegar? Ha. Moron.
So by 2:15ish I busted up in Joe's apartment, all crackin up, cussing out Mother Nature for raining on my drunkass and I proceeded to give him an instant replay of the night. I almost choked on Beezers like 9 times in the process of the storytelling time.
So thank you, Jayson, for entertaining the hell out of my ass. And I think we should do nachos with Ronnie again real soon...



and on a completely different side note:
My brother graduated from Hillcrest High School June 1st, 2005 with badass honors. I don't know how to spell exemplary so I chose to say badass instead. So congrats, bro -- you kick ass. And I love you and I cannot wait for you to be at Clemson with me in August!

so just as i was about to go to bed last night, i heard tucker banging around in his litter box. sometimes this is normal. he's kind of a spaz. if you've met him then you know what i mean. like really, the cat claws the walls, meows like it's his job, attacks our toes, chases invisible bugs which leads me to believe he is schizophrenic, and basically is just completely weird. so yeah, he was bangin around in the potty box and i just knew that could only mean trouble. and boy was it ever trouble... in the form of shit on his back foot. again. noooo. the first time this occurred i had erin to emotionally support me through the episode. and it really does take two people. but it was me against the beast. and that was not a pretty battle. first, i had to strategically pick him up so as not to collide with the tootie. no such luck - he managed to get some on his back. how do you get shit on your back? gah. i'm serious, this was a disaster. all the while it's like 2:45 in the morning, i'm all zombie like from drugging myself with too much coffee, staring at powerpoints and trying to decided what to do with my life, and also trying to decide what to consume for cinco de mayo... so yeah, i'm like screaming at tucker, he's screaming back, we are running around the apartment, i'm trying to corner him so as to contain the shit... finally i grabbed him so i run to the sink, but i couldn't get him situated so he clawed me, jumped down and tracked crap all over the kitchen. very vomit-worthy. round two. this time i got him in the sink, well at least his back legs and i had to scrub. ewwwww. so needless to say, battling with tucker while shit-infested is not pleasant. and definitely a two person job. i had to like change all my clothes because they were either hairy, wet or crappy. literally. or litterally. ha. i crack myself up... awful. and then i had to like completely wash out his littler box because it was just a disaster. one big stinky shitty disaster. ugh, i won't even go into detail - too gross. just applaud me for not throwing up and for getting through it alone. eww. what a way to end the night... damnit tucker.