Nachos with Ronnie

This blog is basically for Jayson, and also for Joe too since I retold the entire evening to him when I can stumbling into his apartment at 2:00 in the morning. So Tuesday night was absolutely insanely funny. We went to crazy karaoke (duh) where the first act that we paid attention to was the deaf guy. Really. A deaf guy who sings karaoke. Which I mean, its honorable - you gotta give him credit for trying. But I think one try is enough. As Joe said it, "once i heard a cat get run over and it sounded better than that." I don't really think he did hear a cat get run over, but you could imagine... and I don't mean to be mean, I really don't - I give the guy credit for trying, but I really wish he would take up marathon running, for instance. He'd be good at that...
so then Joe had to leave us. Way sad, because he is becoming my new hip ornament and I have a hard time functioning without him next to me. So it was just me and Jayson. Which really seriously was the funniest night in like all of karaoke history. First, we started doing the sketchy dance. The point your finger, thrust your hips, lick your lips, and stare too long at one person dance. We then resorted to the horrible Elaine (from Seinfeld) dance. Holy shit that was funny shit. Like imagine a normal rap bass beat, and then bend your knees, thrash about and snap on separate sporadic occasions while adding weird pelvic thrusts in awkward directions with no sensible rhythm while remembering to not stay in any kind of sync with the original beat given to you. Believe me, you will laugh, and everyone will laugh at you. And what is sad is that I know of at least two people who dance in this fashion. God help them.
After being sketchy dancers (hold me closer tiny daaaancer), Jayson and I shimmied our way to the front of the bar so as to catch a "better" view of the stage. If by better, you mean funky nacho smelling area with creepy staring guy and glittery shirt hobag. Mmmm, I love the "better" view already. So yeah, me and Jayson were minding our own business making fun of everyone else in the bar, when all of a sudden Jayson gets this revolting look on his face and proceeds to flare his nostrels, furrow his brow, curl his lip and scream "what the fuck?!! do you smell that?! what is that?!" I almost fell out of my chair laughing. I was like "Dude, what the hell is wrong with you?" He then morphed into psycho sniffer and sniffed everything within a 10 foot radius... including me. So I sniffed back.... whatever, so we thought it was nasty glitter hobag girl that smelled like funky nachos. But when she came closer, we realized it was not her but rather, disgustingly obese sweaty arms-cut-off-shirt guy. Like, so sweaty he had the sweat marks from his neck to his large belly area as well as the sweaty back look. Yeah, I threw up a little in my mouth. I mean, I've heard of people who sweat out beer, but to sweat out nachos?! Come on?! Then that song that is like 'Just like Roonnnnnie said/be my little baby.../ take me home tonight,/ I don't want to let you go til I see the light" came on. And for whatever reason, it was so freakin funny. I mean think about it, sweaty nacho guy who is now dancing with glittery slutface girl (who was on the verge of doing the sketchy Elaine dance) with "take me home tonight" blaring in the background with some offkey doofus singing, makes for a really funny scenario. And then this weird guy in the yellow shirt kept staring at me. And like, not even a flirty smiley stare, just a blank creepy ewwww stare. I was like "Really, wtf?" So Jayson backed up and watched the dude walk by me. I kinda yelped and did the grunt I do and snarled a little. Who stares with no expression? Gross. So yeah, funny chain of events... If you don't think so, well then you suck. And you shouldn't read my blog anymore. Because damit, that shit is funny.
So after that, Jayson and I really couldn't take anymore. So we left. We went to Esso because we wanted to find Candle and get "Night at the Roxybury" on her ass -- you know, slam her back and forth between the two of us and bob our heads frantically to the side. Yeah, but when we go to Esso, no one was there except for the big scary bouncer man who was standing inside with his arms crossed behind the bar just shaking his head at us. We quickly left. So then creepy Manson stalker girl called Jayson for the 59th time and was like "I left you 17 messages telling you I was at Loose Change, gah, why aren't you here too?" So Jayson was like "Gah I swear she is the spawn of Jeffrey Dommer... well wait, I don't know why I said him instead of like Charles Manson since her last name is kind of Manson..." So we also decided Loose Change was a good idea because Beezers is next door to it. So we get in there, and like noshit, within 7 seconds so weird bug-eyed dude is like petting me, asking me about my lifestory and really I think he wanted to be in my skin he was standing so close to me. I kept giving Jayson the save me look, all he did in return was the sketchy bar guy act where he'd squint his eyes and lick his lips and point. Thanks Jayson. So yeah... we left and got some damn Beezers and god it was so good. With olives right, Jayson? Or wait, was that oil and vinegar? Ha. Moron.
So by 2:15ish I busted up in Joe's apartment, all crackin up, cussing out Mother Nature for raining on my drunkass and I proceeded to give him an instant replay of the night. I almost choked on Beezers like 9 times in the process of the storytelling time.
So thank you, Jayson, for entertaining the hell out of my ass. And I think we should do nachos with Ronnie again real soon...



and on a completely different side note:
CONGRATULATIONS, MICHAEL!
My brother graduated from Hillcrest High School June 1st, 2005 with badass honors. I don't know how to spell exemplary so I chose to say badass instead. So congrats, bro -- you kick ass. And I love you and I cannot wait for you to be at Clemson with me in August!

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