Can I Get a Morphine Drip? One, Two Ways?

I'm sure some of you have already heard pieces of the madness that occurred this past Saturday night concerning a trip made to the ER at 2:30 in the morning. Let me now fill you in on the insanity in it's entirity... it rivals for the title of funniest night of my life. Dave came to town, which called for dinner at Monterray's. Joe, Stephanie, Dan, Megan, Andrew, Dave and myself all went, whereupon the funniness began. We started telling stories of course, and I have not the slightest idea how this topic came about but it did: saving otters. Apparently Dave was out on a boat and saw this poor otter half drowning, so he scooped him up with his paddle and took him to shore. He gave the little guy some food and water and saved his life. Our motto, surprisingly enough, is now: Save An Otter. And that's funny. We're gonna make t-shirts.
Then I started talking about how much I hate flying and if I ever travelled I was going to just take a freakin boat. Or perhaps a canoe. With a single paddle. To Paris. "Hey Joe, will you give me a push? I gotta paddle to Paris and I can't get past the wake!"... I wind up 2 miles down the beach thinking I have sailed across the freakin sea. Yessss. And I think, "hmmm, Paris looks a lot like South Carolina."
Yeah, we're morons.
So then we go to Overtime. Stayed there all night. After like 8 shots and 2 pitchers, I got seriously out of control. I ended up wearing Joe's sunglasses, that actually resemble a windshield because they are so obnoxiously huge and tacky. I love them. So, when I have a prop, I tend to feel more invincible... I don't know. It's like the little kid on Big Daddy where if he puts on the sunglasses he feels like people can't see him. Yeah, hi, I do that too. Give me shades or a trucker hat and I'm good to go. So I wound up dancing on the bar, windshield on, thong hanging out, taking money out of people's teeth. Goodlord. Like, we caused a hell of a scene. Half the bar was watching us dance. Joe did the dollar-in-mouth-backbend-over-the-bar move, all the while I am bent down over him taking it from his teeth... did the same thing with Leah and Dave and a few more people that I can't really recall. People were screaming my name from across the bar (ahem Andrew) and it was a damn good time. I bruised my ass trying to get down. But I racked up like $15 from being up there for like 5 minutes. Hot. For a visual of how I looked on the bar, please refer to my newly updated facebook picture.
Closing time came. Whereupon it was decided we needed to go to the hospital. See, Dave had slammed his middle finger into his jeep door when he was pumping gas. It split it open on the underside, at the first bend in his finger (near the tip not the palm). He had wrapped it, but it just didn't seem like it was going to stop bleeding. He did this at like 6:00 that afternoon. So yeah, that'll be the only time we can say we made a pitstop at the bar before we went to the hospital. So we get there, Dave was on the phone getting yelled at by his dad because he didn't believe it wasn't an alcohol related injury and I was having a screaming fit in the bathroom because of all the shit that went down at Overtime after I left. Dave and I both got off the phone at about the same time and Joe said he could just feel the high tension. So Joe got on his hands and knees in the waiting room and literally drug himself across the floor using only his hands screaming "I need help! I need heeeeellllppp!" Holygod that was really the funniest act ever put on by Joe Long. Just thinking about him doing that makes me shake with laughter. So freakin funny. And he did it in the "Nic and Joe R-Tard Voice" which accounts for even more funniness. After that, it was nonstop laughing for 2 solid hours. I was still all pissed off and I was like "goddamnit, I am going to need some freakin morphine to calm down." I hadn't been that furious in a long time and I really couldn't compose myself. Like I was shaking I was so angry. (Still am, by the way... but that isn't relevant at this time) So Joe motions over the non-existant nurse and is like, "Excuse me, can I get a morphine drip over here? One, two ways, please?" Enter more hysterical laughter.
Joe and I got to be Dave's visitors, also known as the Worst Visitors Ever according to Dave, so we got to go wait with Dave back in our curtain-enclosed room. As soon as the nurse shut that curtain, Joe and I reverted back to being 6 years old and got into everything. First, Joe started playing with the huge overhead light -- trying to position it over Dave for maximum light usage. The nurse saw him. So Joe moped back to his seat where I was cracking up and kinda shoved him for being a tard. Yeah, shoved him right into the biohazardous waste recepticle. Joe was like "Nicole just gave me AIDS.... oh, maybe I shouldn't say that here." I laughed my ass off. All the while Joe was rubbing his arm mumbling "she gave me AIDS," and Dave was laying on the bed just shaking his head in silence at us. Joe got up to investigate (or snoop) some more. He opened one cabinet and was like "ooooooo I don't know what that is , but it looks fun!" Then he opens another cabinet and he was still cracking up from what was behind door #1, so his laugh turned into a cough. So he basically contaminated the entire steril ER. Way to go, Joe, gah. Way to give the sterilized equipment your newfound AIDS that I gave you, gah. He then was like "I neeed an adult." Again in the tard voice. Everything is funnier that way. So then anytime we started getting even more out of control, one of us would yell, I need an adult! It is also beneficial to use this phrase when being molested or harassed by any given person whose grimey mitts you do not want on your sacred, hot body.

Yeah yeah, we're going to hell. We already know...
Then Joe found the tongue holder-down things. Stole one. Found the surgi-lube which is really gross and I am content with never knowning what the hell surgi-lube is used for. Stole some of that. And then he found those sticky pads that you put on people's chest when you have to shock them. Yep, stole one of those too. You can search for this items on e-bay. Bidding starts at $7.48 for all items.
If you haven't gathered yet, we were in the room for quite some time, got a little stir-crazy, were still pretty waaaasted, and were in 6-years-old-mode. Then we found Baxter. The most expensive piece of machinery in the room. Joe picked it up, "Oooh it's heavy. Must be expensive." and proceded to push about 6 buttons at once. Baxter didn't move. He was just this little monitor thing, probably used to inspect people that have been contamenated with biohazards and they use surgilube with the chest pads and popsicle sticks to diagnose them. Or maybe it's just a heart monitor. Either way, we couldn't get the bitch to beep or turn on or anything. Gah, Baxter, way to be a tease. We continued to act like we were raised in a barn. Joe did the "tuck your arm in your sleeve so only your elbow sticks out of your shirt move," and said in the tard voice, "but I came in for tonsils!!" So in the process of writing this entry it has come to my attention that it was actually Joe that was being the child the entire time, I just didn't help the situation because I would provoke him to continue with his absurdity. All the more reason why I love you, Joe Long ;)
Finally at about 3:30am, Dr. Leap came to sew up Dave's damned finger. He's barely in the curtain and Joe is like, "Hey! Are you an author?!" I'm thinking WTF? Where the hell is this about to go? Dr. Leap is like "Why, yes I am." I laughed and did the "what is this" move. (For you Catholics who know the comedian Dane Cook, you know what I am talking about.) So Dr. Leap gave Dave these horrible shots in his finger that made it swell up like 5x its normal size. Grooooody. Joe and I got to watch doc stitch up our Dave. It was gross. But Dave got 3 stitches - which makes for a cooler story than just 2 stitches. Yesss. Dave was like, "I'm gonna be pissed if I don't have to get any stitches. I at least want a good story out of this damnit." Joe got all serious and was like, "So, Dr. Leap, is Dave going to be able to play guitar well after this?" Dr. Leap, without skipping a beat was like, "Could Dave ever play guitar well?" Joe was like "Awwww man, I reeeally wanted to use that line! Gah." Haha. Joe got served.Then Dr. Leap told us gross and weird stories about guys who got bit by snakes and dudes who lost 3 limbs. Ewwww. Then the nurse had to come in and wrap up Dave's bloody disaster. She was like, "Now, keep this clean and don't get this wet." Dave was like, "ummmm how am I supposed to clean it and not get it wet?" I laughed. I couldn't help it. She was like, "get it wet when you clean it, but keep it dry when you shower." Dave was like "Ummm..." I was like "Wear a floaty!!"

Save An Otter. Wear A Floaty.
So we finally got home around 4:30. Dave was stitched, Joe and I got to laugh our asses off and come home with cool party favors and we had more fun than anyone should ever have in the Emergency Room. Who knew the hospital could be such a laughable event?

1 Response to "Can I Get a Morphine Drip? One, Two Ways?"

  1. David Says:

    Best. Time. Ever. I think the worst part about that whole event is I didn't learn my lesson. So now, I have to give a presentation on safety in the lab at work. No shit.