The Napkin Diaries

So you know what's like the weirdest feeling in the world? Thinking you are pregnant. It could also classify as the worst feeling in the world, but that’s more so when you’re 16 and don’t have any damn idea what you’re doing and you run to the bathroom every 20 minutes to check to see if “it” came, and then when it does you jump up and down in the hallway after class and hug your boyfriend and yell “I got my period!!” like you just won the non-baby lottery or something, but that’s not the feeling we’re going to talk about. (And I so don't know anything about that...)

We’re going to talk about when you’re a married woman, at an age when society considers you an adult, and you accidentally might be pregnant.

I thought I was pregnant last Halloween. I was at work (at the job from Hell) and something “weird” happened. This post is weird enough as it is, so I’ll spare you the details, but this weirdness, like doesn’t happen to me. My shit is on schedule and predictable. This weird business that occurred was neither scheduled or predicted. And so I freaked.

I called Husband early in the morning and the convo went like this:

Wife: So uh, I might be pregnant.
Husband: Whaaaat? What did you DO?!
Wife: Uhhhhh… you...?

I guess if I had to think about how I’d want Husband to respond if I told him I was pregnant, it wouldn’t really have gone like that. But I mean, that shit was funny, regardless. I got off the phone with a look of distraught strewn across my face and called the “Girl” office.

Nic: So uh, I might be pregnant.
Girl: Did you take a test and get a positive reading?
Nic: I took a test, but it said “no,” but I don’t believe it and now I’m pretty much freaking out.
Girl: Okay, we can do a blood test.
Nic: Okay, like now? Now would be good. Please?
Girl: Yeah, go to blah blah Emergency Care office and do a blood test.
Nic: Kaythxbai.

::Running to blah blah Emergency Care office::
Husband drove me there. I was all like “WTF. This is so going to ruin Halloween if I’m pregnant.” Obviously drinking is totally my priority. Like always. Don’t judge me.

Nic to Emergency Care Office Person: So uh, I might be pregnant.

…

So I did the blood test, but I wasn’t going to get my results until friggin Monday! Ack! Oh the decisions!! What do I do? Do I “ignore” this potential… baby?… for the night and drink my face off one last good time? Do I go out and not drink? (Yeah right. Who wants to be that guy?) Do I have just ONE drink? Do I fake sick and call my friends and tell them I have swine flu? What the HELL do I DO?

I know what I do: I go to Halloween Party. And I don’t drink. Or at least that is the plan…

So I get all slutty, because that is what every girl does on Halloween – it’s you’re annual “get as slutty as you want” free pass and I totally take up the offer every year. We had these ridiculously awesome costumes picked out – German Beer People Costumes. (Totally the Official Title) And we were going to rock that party, regardless of our intoxication level. Riiiiight.

And so we got in the car and headed downtown to the big ass party…And as I was all dressed up in my pig tails and Beer Wench costume, with Husband next to me in his little lederhosen, I burst into tears, ruined my slutty eye makeup and demanded he turn the car around because I could not stand the thought of being dressed like a whore and possibly being a mother at the same time.

I called my BFF all blubbery and squeaky and told her, “Hey BFF, I think [sniff] I [cry] might be [soooobbbb] preeeeegnaaaaant!”

And with that, Husband turned the car around and drove my crybaby ass home.

And I cried. Not so much because I was mad that I could possibly be pregnant, but because I DIDN’T KNOW if I was pregnant. And man, I suck when it comes to anticipation and surprises and all that crap. I need to know and I need to know NOW.

Then I found out a few days later I was totally not pregnant and wasted a perfectly good Beer Wench costume.

Fingers crossed I wear it this year…

Sometimes, I'm pretty sure Husband and I don't actually say real words for entire days at a time -we just ramble in our “normal” banter of inside jokes and funny quotes we've picked up along the way.

So, without further ado, please allow me to enlighten you on The Butterfly Effect:

One typical Saturday we were in the truck going to Target because throughout the week I was able to make up a list of “ohmygah I absolutely have to buy this NOW” things and conned Husband not only into going with me, but actually driving my ass there. Win.

On the way to waste away my dolla dolla bills, a pretty, floaty yellow butterfly came fluttering toward our windshield. Oh this is going to be gross… I figured we’d have fluorescent smears all over the place but miraculously the bastard did some kind of stealthy butterfly-y sneak attack move that hoisted his fluttery ass up and over the truck.

“Dude, you almost just hit that butterfly,” I proclaim to Husband with a look of worry across mah pretty little wife face.

Without skipping a beat, Husband immediately assumes the persona of said butterfly. He releases his hands from the steering wheel, because, you know, driving is no longer the important matter at hand; being a BUTTERFLY is. So, he throws his hands up in the air with his elbows all tucked into his sides and starts nonchalantly flapping his hands and looking around. He looks over at me, as if I had now assumed the role of driver that nearly took his little butterfly life, and simply says, “Well fuck you too then,” in his best little matter-of-fact butterfly voice.

.........

Needless to say, anytime we have a near insect-killing incident in the truck, it’s pretty much a race to see who can start cursing and flailing around first.

Well, fuck you too then.

Okay so it's typical for Dave and I to get an inordinate amount of energy before we go to bed at night. We end up laying around cracking up being complete morons. This week was no exception... well, once I got over the food poisoning/stomach flu that I contracted from Denny's. Or maybe it was from the strippers we saw before Denny's. Not the point.
So I was trying to ask Dave "what is it," but it came out more like "what, what wachatk it, scschh, shit, damn it." I completely could not make sentences, so instead, I gave up and in my loudest, deepest man voice just screamed "WHAAAAAT IT IS?"
Come to think of it, I never got an answer.
Worth it.

WHAT IT IS?!!

This weekend began on Thursday night around 8:15 for me. Catherine the Great came to play! I hadn't seen the girl in months, so we had a lot of catching up to do, that's for damn sure! We finally got to exchange Christmas presents, too. She gave us these awesome flutes and tumblers and some fab champagne, and some chocolate annnd some sweet Britney Spears lip gloss/perfume (haha). We made mac and cheese and sat on the floor and talked our heads off for like 8 hours. Seriously, we got through the entire bottle of Pink champagne and the entire bottle of Chablis. Which I particulary enjoy pronouncing exactly as it is spelled: Chab-lis. Bahaha. So, by 4 AM we were wasted and giggly.
Friday night meant that Joe and Michael were gonna be in town for the weekend. They arrived around 8:00ish and we cracked some beers and ordered pizza. Niiice. Megan brought over her newest purchase, Carter the Kitty. He's a little puffball - so cute. Tucker hates him... likely story. Tucker hates everything. So we ended up having a mini party that ended after 50+ beers, 50+ jello shots and a good 5 rounds of Snider surprises. Joe, Michael, Dave, Catherine, Snider and Jayson and myself ended up playing round after round of random card games or What the Fuck. Throughout the night, many HA-larious things were said, which of course meant that I kept a running log of the nonsense. Here's the list of shit we came up with Friday night: I will attempt to explain some of the ones that will not get me into trouble. Bahaha.
Things that were said this weekend that were funny as shit and in no particular order:
1. I have strong patella *Michael Snider said this after it sounded like his kneecaps exploded while he was trying to stand up to go create more shots for us.
2. Smells like birthday *Snider said this after we blew out the candles
3. I want to keep the tomatoes *Joe was telling a story about one night where he was completely out of his mind drunk. He found himself in DuPree's bed (this is when we were all still living in Clemson). We were all headed downtown and decided to leave Joe there since he was content chasing the goldfish that he swore were swimming around the air around his head. Megan did not want Joe to barf all over his bed... so she apparently handed him a strainer. WHAT? I think at this point in the story Dave or my brother chimed in and said "I want to keep the tomatoes." Implying that when Joe lost his shit, all the liquidy parts could strain through and the chunks could be salvaged. Okay that makes me want to vomit after typing such filth...
4. I'm swinging around like Babe Ruth *Jayson said this as he was demonstrating just how passionate he was about knocking all the shit out of the pinata that they had at some crazy party. The contents were well worth swinging around like Babe Ruth as they were mini bottles and cigs. College...
5. Magic trick: if I guess your card, you drink four *Snider wanted to do a magic trick for Dave, however the stipulation was that if Snider could correctly remember how to do his sweet trick in his drunken state, Dave would have to take 4 swigs of something
6. Jamaican Jump = Sexy Leap... I don't know *I have no idea who said this or in what terms it was said. If anyone does know, please enlighten us.
7. I would do myself for free *In the midst of playing WTF, there was some question about having sex with yourself for money. My brother kindly informed us that he'd be more than happy to sex himself up for free.
8. Bonnet or diaper... either way, I'd look like Zach *Our beloved friend Zach Deegan aka 40 Friend, was dressed as Dorothy for Halloween... anyway, we were still playing WTF and Snider had some question about what he'd rather wear in public, a bonnet or a diaper. His response, "Either way, I'd look like Zach." To give an even better image of Zach, during his freshman year on the hall, he decided to run around with an air horn, in teeny tiger print boxers with a picture of a tiger face taped to face. The tiger face he found in like, fucking National Geographic, so he tore out the entire page, cut out eye holes and taped the whole page to his face... and ran around. This, my friends, is the epitome of Zachary Deegan. You should get to know him
9. Who the fuck wants to live in a fruit? *Michael, my bro, got a question that said "would you rather live in a giant shoe or a peach?" He was disgusted when most of us answered "fruit" and thus made this statement.
10. I'm drunk. Oh wait, you're alive? *Joe noted that he was drunk. David chimed in with "What? Oh wait... you're alive" Implying that Joe is always drunk. Which is 90% true. And cool, in my fucking book. And this is my book, so it's cool. There.
11. Holla holla holla holla holla holla let me holla at ya let me holla at ya holla holla holla *My brother said this every fucking 2 minutes all weekend.
12. Not a rendezvous.. a ron-de-don't *I don't know why I said this but I did
13. Tastes like... middle school girls *This was actually said Saturday night by Noel, Jayson's brother, in regards to the shot that I created. It was awful.
14. YOU RUINED MY LIFE * I said this because I am a life ruiner... hahaha
So that concludes Friday night... at 6 AM none the less... Saturday night, we went to Banana Cabana to see Catherine. This time it was Dave, Michael, Joe, Jayson, Noel, Amy and myself. Dinner was the bomb. Jayson brought the Wii over, so we played that magical device until we were satisfied with our level of intoxication. Then we went downtown to Sketch Central -- Tonik. It was 18 and up, so my bro could get in... well we were loud and obnoxious and wasted and it was fabulous. Please go enjoy the pictures. Oh wait, Catherine and I did get booed off stage. Yeah, I don't know either. Who boos ME off a stage? No one in their right mind... he was probably gay. Ha. Also, I, oh man this makes me laugh -- Joe was completely harassed all over that bar. First, he went to grab a drink and some non-English speaking, foreign looking girl asked him if he had a girlfriend. He said that he was just at the bar with his friends. So she asked him to the strip club and said it something like this (please use your best Asianish girl voice to say this) "Oh, you no girlfriend? Want to go strip club wit me?" Joe was like "Ummmm, I gotta go." Whereupon he might have ended up in the bathroom, only to get berated by Drill Sergent Drunk in there. Joe is just trying to pee when (in your best loud military scary man voice read this)... "HEY! Have you thought about your future? Do you want to defend our country?! Well you should enlist as a soldier in our military!" I think Joe put his head down and quickly walked out, but not too quickly because if you walk too quickly in Tonik, you will fall down on your ass and get the Hepatitis. That floor was fucking grody. Like, Joe could do a Jig without picking his heals up... seriously Joe, how do always seem to attract the R-tards? Must be your nuclei force. Must be...
Oh yeah, we also felt it necessary to bring the Taboo buzzer along with us. This way when anyone said anything dumb/unacceptable/or just something buzz-worthy, we buzzed. Because that's how we roll.
Sunday we all wallowed around. Catherine panicked because we made her late for work. Sorry, dear. And I took 4 naps. It was wonderful. We really do need to have more weekends like that. I love being drunk for days with good company. Makes life incredibly enjoyable. So keep your calendars open for the first weekend in March... we might be planning a party. Get ready, bitches.

i've been meaning to write this blog since like, sunday, but i had to find this particular receipt first. this receipt that i speak of, is the one that i wrote down all the funny drunk stuff on from saturday. i do this pretty much everytime i go out, because i learned quickly that i will only remember funny drunk stuff if i (a) write it down (b) call myself and leave a message. i found that calling myself doesn't usually work because i just laugh and take gulps of my drink and forget why i am calling myself. if i write it down, i can usually somewhat read it in the morning.
saturday was amanda and rob's wedding out at dune's west. amanda was dave's roomie for a while down here in charleston. really fun wedding... er, drunk... the bartenders knew how to make a hell of a vodka drink. dave and i went over to his friend's house for a hot minute and then went to meet candle, opie and jayson out at gene's. of course. well, we were just driving when all of a sudden it was smelly outside. this is what happened:
nicole: (turns off radio completely and rolls down window. closes eyes and takes a big deep breathe)
dave: um, why did you have to turn off the radio to smell?
nicole: (without skipping a beat) i had to focus my senses!!
dave pretty much just shook his head and rolled his eyes. i probably said something like "whatever, you love me and you're gonna marry me. so there." i was pretty much wasted at this point.
we got to gene's and i think i basically just bumbled around all night. i watched jayson inhale this beautiful plate of loaded cheese fries and only had to steal one in the process. i kept telling myself that fries would taste better than beer and that would mean i would stop drinking, which would mean i would get sober. and no one wants to be sober. so, somehow i had the willpower to ignore the vitamin g. vitamin g, as i was so kindly introduced to, is grease... just a funnier way to say it. you can also accumulate vitamin g at the awful waffle, as randy - one of dave's fun friends - explained to us. and the awful waffle is waffle house, which makes sense, but damn i did not understand that at the time.
dave and i left gene's at some point... duh.. whatever, and we went to mcdonalds. ugh, why? well they were only serving #2, 3 and 10. and holy crap, dave and i argued all the way to the window about what the hell #10 was. i thought it was chicken nuggets; dave thought it was a fish sandwich. dave finally broke down and asked the window chick what the hell a #10 consisted of... i was right! it was chicken! aha! as soon as she said "chicken nuggets" i did the bratty, "told ya sooo!" thing. then again said something like "whatever, you love me. fiance." i hated myself in the morning for eating 9 pounds of burgers and fries at 2:00am. i was bloated for like, 3 days. gross. dave still wants to go back and recheck that particular menu to see who was right. i still believe that i was. i usually am. ha.
moral of the story: use receipts to record funny happenings.

This weekend Dave and I went to Waynesville. Instead of having a calm, quiet weekend full of family and activities such as hiking, it turned into one big drunken blur. Oops. Gee, who didn't see that coming? Friday night was spent around Billy's kitchen table with a case of beer and a deck of cards. We played like 17 rounds of asshole... we ended up with rules such as "everyone will refer to Nicole as 'Lemon Meringue.'" That was Brandon's rule. I don't know why. Needless to say, we didn't wake up until 1:00 pm on Saturday.
Saturday we just watched Clemson lose to Maryland... damnit and then bought an awesome case of Busch Light. I'm not even kidding. Billy and Brandon came over to Dave's around midnight and we decided that board games were the coolest thing to do for the remainder of the night. Before Billy and Brandon got there though, Dave and I played a few rounds of Guess Who. Remember, its the game where you say "is your person a girl? does your person wear glasses? is your person ugly as shit?" and then you say, 'I know, you're alfred!" Well, we shuffled the deck and, no kidding, Dave picked "David" for the first three games in a row. Had he picked David one more time, we might have had to burn the game and go get Mom.
Once the boys arrived, Dave went to pick out a different game that had drinking-game potential. He chose the game called BONKERS!

Here are the rules: Each player picks 4 cards. These cards say things like "Go forward 12 spaces," "Go back 4 spaces," "Go directly to Score" and things like that. You roll the dice and move foward that many spaces and then you get to lay one of your cards down as long as there is not a card already there. If there is a card there, you will continue to do what the cards say until you land on an empty spot. The object is to lay these cards down so you will end up in a "Score" zone. When you land on "score" you get a point and the first person to 12 points wins. You can also get a point if you create what we liked to call a conundrum. A conundrum occurs when you lay down, for example a "Go forward 5 spaces," and then you lay down "Go back 5 spaces," thus, you are in a conundrum and no matter what you do, you are stuck until you roll the dice again. Little did we know that this game would go on for almost 2 hours because of all the conundrums that we created.
Of course funny shit began to be said by everyone, so I, of course, had to create a "funny shit" list. It all started when all four of us were stuck in a conumdrum over on the left side of the board. I blurt out "it's like the Bermuda triangle! No wait... the BEER-muda triangle!" We seriously had to take a timeout because we all laughed so hard for so long that we could barely breathe or see. We kept playing the game and the following funny shit was said over the course of the 2 hour Bonkers experience:

Brandon: Carry me to the fridge, Billy.
Dave: A Bonker's back ride.

Dave: Can you believe we got drunk on Bonkers? Can you believe there is a game called Bonkers?!

Dave: This isn't Bonkers! This should be called MEAN. Exclamation point... quotations included.

Brandon: Do something stupid.
Dave: Do you want me to do Billy?

Brandon: You look gay sober.

I really don't know why any of these things were said or in what context, but they were amusing, nonetheless. I'm not sure if we ever actually finished the game. We seriously could not get out of the conundrum we created. You basically had to roll like a 12 or 7 to break out of the conundrum, but then if you didn't roll the same numbers again, once you were out, you'd just end up right back in. Reeeeeediculous. At some point, Billy and I, combined, knocked over 4 beers. The last one I knocked over, I didn't even realize I had knocked it over because I was rolling around on the floor begging for the game to end. Dave started yelling at me to sit up... after I had already acquired beer all over my shoulder. Billy sprinted to the bathroom to grab the box of tissues. I thought he was going to be super helpful and come smash them into the beer puddle so it wouldn't soak into the carpet. No. Instead, he just stood on the other side of the couch and hurled the tissues, one by one, at my head. I had to try to collect as many tissues as possible before all the beer was consumed by the carpet. It was like a freaking scene from Legends of the Hidden Temple or some shit. The person who collects the most tissues and soaks up the most evil fluid wins a Sony Karaoke Machine... no, all I won was a giant beer-soaked tissue wad that was used as a giant beer-soaked spit wad that continued to be hurled at my head for the rest of the evening. Thanks. I think we finally gave up around 4:00 am. We doubt that another game of Bonkers will ever be played quite as greatly as the one that was produced Saturday night. To celebrate our awesome drinking-game creation skills, I made some grilled cheeses. I'm impressed that I didn't burn down the Kuhlman residence. Awesome, and much needed weekend.

In random news: everytime Dave and I got in the truck this weekend, we insisted on blaring "Under Pressure," by Queen. Mostly because we liked to scream along when he would do the "Ba da dup ba day" nonsense.

so i've gotten semi-slack on the blog writing, i know. sorry. i meant to write one last week about our ridiculous drunken excursion downtown, but i waited too long to write it and now i can't remember. blast. it involved 2 buckets of beer, 2 surfer on acid shots, 3 vodka drinks and a trip to gilroy's pizza at 2:00 am. i blame ed miller for all of this.

well, whatever. so yesterday dave was sleeping on the couch and i was so freaking bored, so i decided that i was going to wake his ass up so he could entertain me. i went to sit next to him on the couch and here is the conversation that occurred:

nicole: hey dave? are you awake?
dave: my throat is green... or brown or purple.
nicole: um. what?
dave: nevermind. i don't want to talk about it.
nicole: um. okay. i'll let you sleep some more.
dave. yeah okay.

after he actually woke up, i told him about our conversation. he claims that he meant to say "my throat is dry." why the fuck he said green instead is beyond me... i guess he's been living with me too long and has picked up my talking-while-sleeping habits. i'm expecting us to have full-blown sleep conversations eventually. maybe we should set up a tape recorder at night to see what happens...

This weekend was Homecoming for those Clemson Tigers. That's a good enough reason to get waaaasted if you ask any of us. We partied our asses off from 11 pm Friday until aprroximately 3 am Sunday morning. Friday night was the normal drunk scene at the 102. Only this time, we had Catherine with us! Yessss. I came bearing gifts, too. I brought Catherine a bottle of Jack as a late birthday present and I also brought Joe a Halloween card. Please let me tell you about this card. Okay, I was in Target, and I see this black and white card with skulls and crossbones all over it -- and they are very real looking. It's all creepy and shit, so I picked it up, assuming there would be something catchy about how you should have a bad to the bone Halloween or something of the sort. No, Not even fucking close. I open it up to find this printed inside: Always follow your heart." WTF. I cracked up in the middle of Target all by myself and immediately ran to the register to purchase the most ridiculous greeting card ever made. Its now slapped onto the fridge at Joe's apartment and will most likey never come off. Seriously, what the fuck does that mean. The only other unusal thing that happened was that there was a dance party... with all the guys. Really, Joe, Michael, Dave and Shawn all danced. The girls just sat there. It was really funny and as soon as Joe sends me the pictures, I'm going to post them and blackmail the piss out of all of you. Yay, can't wait.
So we woke up and were at the tailgate by 10:30. Beers cracked by 10:31. Woot. This time we did it right: we brought the motherfucking couch. Oh yes. The grungy ass, disease-ridden ,lame excuse for a seating unit, used to be white but is now a dirty tan color couch from the 102 F. And we stuck it right in between the jeep and the truck. Genius. Effing genius. It did however turn into quite the accident causer when both Jayson and Opie did back flip-like maneuvers over it and tried to land gracefully, but usually just ended up on their asses over in the woods.
So as soon as everything was unpacked, funny shit started happening, so Joe threw a pen a pad of paper at me and said "go" So I compiled a list, appropriately entitled "Funny Shit" as the day progressed. It turned out to be one and a half pages long. I will now write everything that was written on the "Funny Shit" list and attempt to give an explanation... Okay.go:

Candle: "It will go up your butt if you let it!" Explaining how the yellow jackets (not the team, but the actual creature) are infact, crazy ass mother fuckers and will attack you, at all costs, if presented with the opportunity.

Brandy: "I'm Brandy! Like the motherfucking drink." Because sometimes people think her name is Randy.

Nicole: "Is my tag sticking out?
Dave: "Everything's sticking out, baby." I asked if my underwear tag was visible... Dave informed me that yes, my tag, along with most of my entire ass/crack was also in plain view.

Nicole: "I want someone to find my blog and read it and then they will want to publish it."
Brandy: "What? You want someone to find your blog and then they will want to pop your shit?"

Catherine: "I'm fucking infallible. What am I, the pope?" She invented the 'Catherine Surprise,' which is when you shove a wad of cotton candy in your mouth, then allow her to drown you in champagne, then you swallow it all while trying not to gag or laugh or wretch. Yes, wretch. All the while, half her ass is about to fall out of her pants, she has Joe's enormous sunglasses on, and her hair, is well, everywhere.

Catherine: "Thank God, I bought fucking cotton candy."

Candle: "I don't even care, put your finger there!" Telling me how its okay if I shove my finger into her drink so it doesn't fizz over.

Joe: My thinking parts are mad at my drinking parts."

Joe: "Nic, where'd you go?"
Nicole: "I don't know. I'm invis.....dable." Yes, there was a dramatic pause before I finished the word. Incorrectly, at that.

Nicole: "Oh! We're playing spin the bottle?"
Candle: "No! I don't do that! I could get meningitis." All day, Candle thought she was going to get meningitis... from her cup, the pine needles, the champagne bottle that everyone was drooling all over, etc.

Joe: "Are you drunk or retarded?"

Brandy: "Jayson! I can see all of your cards!"
Jayson: "I don't know what that means, but I'll see you later." Jayson's credit cards, and every other imaginable were spilling out of the hole he created in his back pocket. Brandy tried to warn him. Jayson took this as innuendo.

Joe: "It smells like January and Valtrex." I refuse to explain this any further.

Joe: "Oh, we've all seen the Cononie Coin Slot..." Yes, that's my ass. for those of your who are dumb.

Nicole: "I need some water."
Dave: "Why don't you just drink that?"
Nicole: "No. That's too watered down." I wanted regular water. Dave offered me the remains of his coke from Hardees. It was too watered down. Damnit.

Jayson: "You know when you're sober and you can't see and you're just like, ' Cool, I can't see,' and you squint to fix it? Well yeah, you can't do that when you're drunk."

So, those are the Funny Shit quotes that I promised. I would now like to mention some more funny shit that happened that did not require words:

1. Candle played "Billie Jean" by Michael Jackson and nominated herself to impersonate the Michael Jackson "spin-and-grab-your-crotch" move. She did this eight successful times. On the ninth try (why she tried any more than once is a mystery) she completely fell over backwards and busted her ass. Catherine came immediately to the rescue and shoved the champagne bottle at Candle's crotch. Candle latched onto the bottle and began thrusting again. All was saved.
Side note: Candle walked around most of the day with some object turned phallic in her crotch. She has come to terms with the fact that she has a serious case of penis envy and has chosen to celebrate this Candle-like feature.
2. The beer boxes were turned into sleds. Pretty much everyone except for me and Dave took a running, flying leap at the teeny piece of cardboard in front of them and barrelled down the little pine needle hill until the had to bail out when the hill turned into fucking pavement.
3. Catherine screwed up somehow and just laid on her back in the pine needles. We took this as an invitation to burry her in them. It was like burrying someone in sand, but instead with pine needles.
4. Candle got doo-doo on her knee. She attempted to brush it off. She now probably has meningitis.
5. A dance party happened at approximately 3:00 pm.
6. Joe had a phenominal idea. See, the couch is amazing, but seriously, its time for the bitch to die. It was decided that at the last tailgate of the year, we are simply going to regift the couch and stick it in the back of someone else's fucking truck. One of two reactions will occur, (a) they will be ecstatic that they have a newfound piece of tailgate furniture, (b) they will be so fucking pissed that some assholes put their piece of shit couch in the back of their awesome truck.
7. Joe explained that without Nic, he Nic and Joe show is just like Wayne and ___. Without Garth, it's just not Waynesworld.

So basically, this was the BEST.TAILGATE.EVER. Seriously, who brings a couch, concocts a drink that consists of cotton candy and champagne, turns beer boxes into sleds, does Michael Jackson skits, drinks 3 coolers of beer all in one day and actually lives to tell about? We are motherfucking rockstars. And we won, bitches.

PS: What song did we all agree to put on our pages so we can be gay together? I actually think I was too drunk at that point and since I didn't write it down, I can't produce a memory. Shit. You tell me. Now.

last night we celebrated catherine's belated birthday. first we went to the mustard seed in mt. p with a group of her friends for some dinner and drinks. well, actually dave and i went for a bottle of wine. we were drunk by 9:00. we're lushes. and honestly, i'm still drunk. and its noon. i'm "working from home" today. so is dave. poor catherine. she's working at work.
okay after the mustard place. catherine, dave and i went to gene's. her friend charlie joined us, but he only made it through one jager bomb and one pumkin pie tasting beer before he peaced out on us. us three, however, closed the place down and made friends with bartender miranda. the curly haired one. you know, well, you probably don't. sorry, im drunk.
i came home with three receipts worth of funny shit. so here come the stories...
okay really, we started ordering shots like they were providing us with life. like, if we didnt drink them, we would die, when in actuality, because we drank so many, we might all die today. we really have to remember to chose life... well, catherine ordered the "chocolate cake" shot. eww. it actually does taste like chocolate cake, but i have issues with clearish shots (eww, i might not be able to write this blog right now because typing "shot" makes my stomach flop around a little.... time out)

okay, time in. well, the chocolate shot arrived and dave was like, "is this going to hurt my tooth?" see, dave has this tooth, a sweet tooth if you will, that makes him unable to eat anything chocolate because it hurts. sometimes i wish i had this tooth because i would be like 40 pounds skinnier... whatever. so he asked if it would hurt his tooth and my response is "no. it's going to hurt your world." i wasn't lying.
catherine got her pen out at this point and started to try to write on the table. well, instead of ink... it just kind of carved instead, so she went with that. now half of all of our names are on the table in genes. her logic was that if she only wrote half our names, no one would know it was us. i blame the chocolate shot for this logic. well catherine is carving and dave threw his knife onto the table...
dave: that's all i do at work!
both cather (as she so carved her name) and i both said at the same time: carve?
dave: no. i'm in a knife club.
the conversation continued. the shots continued as well. we had some royal flushes and bomby bombs and more vodka/waters, vodka/tonics and jack/cokes... and i guess we were talking about how dave might have to travel for work. this conversation happened:
dave: i might have to be in japan.
nic: ohhh??
dave: yeah. i told you about okanawa.
nic: okanawa is in japan? ... i thought it was like, in missouri...
catherine: okanawa, missouri.
all the while, keep in mind that we are shoved into this teeny booth back in the corner where miranda would sporadically appear with more drinkies. she came back with a fresh round and i started squeezing my lime so my vodka would taste like lime vodka instead of regular vodka and i completely squirted catherine in the eye. i know because she said "you just hit me in the eye!" i said, "oh noo!!" but catherine then told me, "no! i liked it." so it was okay that i hit her with acidic juice in her pretty little eye because she loves me.
between the three of us, we racked up a $133 tab. god we were drunk. we decided to walk back to catherine's house. its right behind gene's... i turned into a flippin thief. maybe i shouldn't tell this part of the story... oh who cares. so we're walking down the road and i yank this tiki torch-like candle pole out of some store's potted plant. then i sprinted while screaming, "uh oh! i hope i'm not on video!" i then came across a sign that said "vote for someone" in another potted plant. or perhaps a yard. i took that too. then i took a road cone. but then i traded it for a prettier road cone. i left all three objects next to catherine's door. um, happy birthday? we ate some cool-pops or icy pops or freezy pops or whatever the fuck pops you want to call them. and we just continued to laugh and be drunk and look at myspace and tell each other how much we love the other one. dave continued sharing his funny ass stories from high school that consist of how people got pooped on... he actually told that story because i think catherine said something like "i got spit on" and we heard "i got shit on" so then dave told the story of how a lot of his friends actually did get shit on at the same time by this guy in high school. eww. thats gross, im not tellng anymore of that. ask dave for details if you want them, what the hell was i talking about before this? damnit now i have to go reread what i wrote. oh yeah, cool-pops. they wer delicious. then we all walked back to gene's to get our cars. what the fuck, i know. why we didnt just take them in the first place is beyond me too. oh, before we left cather's house, haha, cather... i tried to stick the tiki pole into her yard. well, i failed to notice that the top part had this ceramic frog like fixture attached to it and so when i slammed it into the solid earth below, the fucking frog split in half and inevitably split my hand skin in half too. now i have this freaking cut across my hand. for a minute i thought i needed a hospital. im gay. the cut is less than a tucker scratch. and i probably deserve it for stealing the ceramic tiki frog pole anyway.
catherine told me that she tried to go to mcdonalds but even though they are open 24 hours, they were closed. fucking liars. but a number 10 is chicken and 11 is fish. thanks, catherine. told you so, dave! ha.
dave and i passed the fuck out. and apparently i took off all my clothes in a corner. i dont know why i stood in the corner, but i did. we woke up drunk as shit. seriously, catherine, i'm so sorry you had to work today.
that's disgusting. i was silly morning drunk and started clapping my feet.
nic: have you ever clapped your feet like a seal? (proceeded to make seal-barking noises)
dave: seals dont have feet!! gah! and then he rolled over on the floor and grunted at me. yeah, he just laid on the floor for like 2 hours this morning. mostly because i was diagonally across the bed and tucker kept attacking my toes so he was probably safer down there. then i tried to sit up, but i had to lay back down because i was too dizzy. nic: ooooh! i feel like a weeble wobble! don't you feel like a weeble wobble??
dave: i feel like crap.
nic: weebles wobble but they dont fall down!
now we are both laying on the living room floor reeking of vodka and death. i fucking love you dave and catherine. i love you too gene's. and vodka. and cool-pops. i fucking love cool-pops. the end.

friday night was really great because we got to hang out with emily and michael, whom of which i miss dearly. we were at tommy condons with the spawar boys and this crazy kilt-wearing band that had a really big tamborine-like drum with its own microphone. well, the kilt band produced music fit for dancing... dancing for those 40 and older and with no talent, that is. well, this one fat couple started spinning each other around, and we were at the table closest to the twirling, so of course we could do nothing but watch. emily turns to me, and in all seriousness, asks "is that an octopus shirt or a pineapple shirt?" i then studied the blue and white printed shirt intently for a solid 30 seconds before responding with my answer, "both."
okay seriously, it was like one of those magic eye pictures where if you look at it one way its some creepy old witch lady and turn it the other way and it's a cactus. i swear this man had pineapples and octopi all over his wretched shirt. i actually wrote this conversation down on my receipt so i would be sure to remember its funniness in the morning.
we then decided that it was time for gene's; we were in dire need of some connect four and tic-tac-toe. apparently, if all else fails in life, i can be the world champion connect four player, because for some reason, i'm really good. that was at least established after several rounds of drinkies; so you know, who really knows if i'm good. well tic-tac-toe became a favorite around the table, too. emily and michael were playing for a long time and started to seriously strategize for the win against each other. here is a detailed picture and description of the most ridiculously humorous tic-tac-toe play in all of history:

i don't know whose idea it was to put children's games in a bar, but it was the most fucking ingenius idea ever. ever. ever. if i could buy stock in gene's bar, i would. so really, seven grown people sat around a table on a friday night and paid more attention to who was going to win a board game than what drink they should try next. maybe they did this so people wouldn't get as wasted, because if you have to pay attention to something, like winning a serious game of connect four, then you are less inclined to get so shitfaced that you pass out on your little red playing pieces. huh, huh? yeah, that's logic right there. gene knew what he was doing.

so we finally got kicked out of the bar and came home. dave and i think its possible that we were naked before we got in the door (not because we wanted to have the sex. gah. but because we absolutely hate to smell like smoke). so our clothing was strewn about the front door area, we took a shower and decided we needed some late night discovery channel. well, we fell asleep, for 3 damn hours, scrunched up on our unconfortable couch... gross. so we got up at 6 am and ran to the bedroom and passed out for 3 more hours. we were still drunk most of the day saturday. it was stellar.

i want to share with you the conversation dave and i had at some point in the middle of last night:

nic: you have to reach higher!
dave: why? what?
nic: i shouldn't have to explain it to you. [sigh] you should know.
dave: what do you need me to reach for.
nic: i cannot believe you are asking me this! if you don't know then i'm not telling you!
dave: nic, i don't know what you want.
nic: if you don't know by now then just forget it.
dave: nicole, what are you talking about?
nic: what? damnit. i think i am asleep.
dave: you asked me to reach higher, what for?
nic: lives.
dave: what? lives?
nic: for mario.
dave: bursting into laughter
nic: don't touch me i'm hot!
dave: okay.
nic: sorry, i guess i was talking in my sleep. don't touch me.
dave: um, okay? goodnight?
nic: grunt.

needless to say, i have no idea what was actually going on in my dream or what provoked me to freak out in my sleep. dave and i did, however, play mario 3 for hours on end last night, which may account for my need for more "lives" if you will. wtf