The Napkin Diaries

This weekend began on Thursday night around 8:15 for me. Catherine the Great came to play! I hadn't seen the girl in months, so we had a lot of catching up to do, that's for damn sure! We finally got to exchange Christmas presents, too. She gave us these awesome flutes and tumblers and some fab champagne, and some chocolate annnd some sweet Britney Spears lip gloss/perfume (haha). We made mac and cheese and sat on the floor and talked our heads off for like 8 hours. Seriously, we got through the entire bottle of Pink champagne and the entire bottle of Chablis. Which I particulary enjoy pronouncing exactly as it is spelled: Chab-lis. Bahaha. So, by 4 AM we were wasted and giggly.
Friday night meant that Joe and Michael were gonna be in town for the weekend. They arrived around 8:00ish and we cracked some beers and ordered pizza. Niiice. Megan brought over her newest purchase, Carter the Kitty. He's a little puffball - so cute. Tucker hates him... likely story. Tucker hates everything. So we ended up having a mini party that ended after 50+ beers, 50+ jello shots and a good 5 rounds of Snider surprises. Joe, Michael, Dave, Catherine, Snider and Jayson and myself ended up playing round after round of random card games or What the Fuck. Throughout the night, many HA-larious things were said, which of course meant that I kept a running log of the nonsense. Here's the list of shit we came up with Friday night: I will attempt to explain some of the ones that will not get me into trouble. Bahaha.
Things that were said this weekend that were funny as shit and in no particular order:
1. I have strong patella *Michael Snider said this after it sounded like his kneecaps exploded while he was trying to stand up to go create more shots for us.
2. Smells like birthday *Snider said this after we blew out the candles
3. I want to keep the tomatoes *Joe was telling a story about one night where he was completely out of his mind drunk. He found himself in DuPree's bed (this is when we were all still living in Clemson). We were all headed downtown and decided to leave Joe there since he was content chasing the goldfish that he swore were swimming around the air around his head. Megan did not want Joe to barf all over his bed... so she apparently handed him a strainer. WHAT? I think at this point in the story Dave or my brother chimed in and said "I want to keep the tomatoes." Implying that when Joe lost his shit, all the liquidy parts could strain through and the chunks could be salvaged. Okay that makes me want to vomit after typing such filth...
4. I'm swinging around like Babe Ruth *Jayson said this as he was demonstrating just how passionate he was about knocking all the shit out of the pinata that they had at some crazy party. The contents were well worth swinging around like Babe Ruth as they were mini bottles and cigs. College...
5. Magic trick: if I guess your card, you drink four *Snider wanted to do a magic trick for Dave, however the stipulation was that if Snider could correctly remember how to do his sweet trick in his drunken state, Dave would have to take 4 swigs of something
6. Jamaican Jump = Sexy Leap... I don't know *I have no idea who said this or in what terms it was said. If anyone does know, please enlighten us.
7. I would do myself for free *In the midst of playing WTF, there was some question about having sex with yourself for money. My brother kindly informed us that he'd be more than happy to sex himself up for free.
8. Bonnet or diaper... either way, I'd look like Zach *Our beloved friend Zach Deegan aka 40 Friend, was dressed as Dorothy for Halloween... anyway, we were still playing WTF and Snider had some question about what he'd rather wear in public, a bonnet or a diaper. His response, "Either way, I'd look like Zach." To give an even better image of Zach, during his freshman year on the hall, he decided to run around with an air horn, in teeny tiger print boxers with a picture of a tiger face taped to face. The tiger face he found in like, fucking National Geographic, so he tore out the entire page, cut out eye holes and taped the whole page to his face... and ran around. This, my friends, is the epitome of Zachary Deegan. You should get to know him
9. Who the fuck wants to live in a fruit? *Michael, my bro, got a question that said "would you rather live in a giant shoe or a peach?" He was disgusted when most of us answered "fruit" and thus made this statement.
10. I'm drunk. Oh wait, you're alive? *Joe noted that he was drunk. David chimed in with "What? Oh wait... you're alive" Implying that Joe is always drunk. Which is 90% true. And cool, in my fucking book. And this is my book, so it's cool. There.
11. Holla holla holla holla holla holla let me holla at ya let me holla at ya holla holla holla *My brother said this every fucking 2 minutes all weekend.
12. Not a rendezvous.. a ron-de-don't *I don't know why I said this but I did
13. Tastes like... middle school girls *This was actually said Saturday night by Noel, Jayson's brother, in regards to the shot that I created. It was awful.
14. YOU RUINED MY LIFE * I said this because I am a life ruiner... hahaha
So that concludes Friday night... at 6 AM none the less... Saturday night, we went to Banana Cabana to see Catherine. This time it was Dave, Michael, Joe, Jayson, Noel, Amy and myself. Dinner was the bomb. Jayson brought the Wii over, so we played that magical device until we were satisfied with our level of intoxication. Then we went downtown to Sketch Central -- Tonik. It was 18 and up, so my bro could get in... well we were loud and obnoxious and wasted and it was fabulous. Please go enjoy the pictures. Oh wait, Catherine and I did get booed off stage. Yeah, I don't know either. Who boos ME off a stage? No one in their right mind... he was probably gay. Ha. Also, I, oh man this makes me laugh -- Joe was completely harassed all over that bar. First, he went to grab a drink and some non-English speaking, foreign looking girl asked him if he had a girlfriend. He said that he was just at the bar with his friends. So she asked him to the strip club and said it something like this (please use your best Asianish girl voice to say this) "Oh, you no girlfriend? Want to go strip club wit me?" Joe was like "Ummmm, I gotta go." Whereupon he might have ended up in the bathroom, only to get berated by Drill Sergent Drunk in there. Joe is just trying to pee when (in your best loud military scary man voice read this)... "HEY! Have you thought about your future? Do you want to defend our country?! Well you should enlist as a soldier in our military!" I think Joe put his head down and quickly walked out, but not too quickly because if you walk too quickly in Tonik, you will fall down on your ass and get the Hepatitis. That floor was fucking grody. Like, Joe could do a Jig without picking his heals up... seriously Joe, how do always seem to attract the R-tards? Must be your nuclei force. Must be...
Oh yeah, we also felt it necessary to bring the Taboo buzzer along with us. This way when anyone said anything dumb/unacceptable/or just something buzz-worthy, we buzzed. Because that's how we roll.
Sunday we all wallowed around. Catherine panicked because we made her late for work. Sorry, dear. And I took 4 naps. It was wonderful. We really do need to have more weekends like that. I love being drunk for days with good company. Makes life incredibly enjoyable. So keep your calendars open for the first weekend in March... we might be planning a party. Get ready, bitches.

There are a few extremely random facts that I would enjoy sharing. They really don't correlate to one another, so do not attempt to find a secret message or any sort of pattern..

1. My current favorite song is "Crazy Bitch" by Buck Cherry. Expect it to be my default song in the next 48 hours. Sorry Madonna.
2. Sunday night, Dave and I went over to our friends' house - Andy and Brooke - and we had dinner and decided to play board games. 6 bottles of wine, two bags of popcorn, two bowls of ice cream and 6 hours later we had completed one game of Clue and were working on our first game of Risk. We called it quits at approximately 1:00 AM whereupon we agreed that Dave or Andy would have won, but it would have taken a few good hours to kick my ass out of Australia. Dave and I then went to McDonald's and ordered too much food. Dave was still chewing when he passed out. When I tried to wake him, he mumbled something about Quebec. I can only assume he was dreaming about how to defend the country in the game of Risk.

3. On top of dreams of Quebec, Dave also has been experiencing some weirdness with his ears -- he can't pop/unpop them. As some of you may know, this can really fuck with your equilibrium... which is exactly what it did to Dave. So poor Dave was all wobbly on Monday - like so wobbly that he couldn't look at a computer, see straight or walk correctly. I took him to the doctor where he was poked in the ear with some device that almost made him puke. Luckily, Dave is not as wobbly today and could drive himself to work. He had a mild bout of vertigo. My poor mom has also experienced vertigo, however hers was so crazy severe that when she laid down in bed, she'd have to keep one foot on the floor so she wouldn't spin as much. I mean, damn, I'd at least want to be spinning because I had one too many Mind Erasers or Black and Blues, not because my ear fluid was being tsunami-like.
4. I am on a chopsticks kick. I want to eat everything with them. I might try eating popcorn with them next.
Okay, that's all I really wanted to share. Oh, in super fabulous news: Joe and my brother are coming to town Friday night. Expect great things, my friends.

Dave and I were in Clemson this past weekend to celebrate Joe's 24th birthday! Yay, happy birthday, Joe. We hung out Thursday night, drank a lot of beer, ordered pizza at 2:00 am and then Joe and I were the only one's left standinng at 4:00 am talking about everything from baby names to tanning beds. Dave crapped out sometime after the moonshine shot, which caused Dave to forget his childhood. He took the shot and immediately said, blank faced, "Now I can't remember my childhood."
Friday we ate Esso lunch - ohmygah I forgot how much I loved the 9000 calorie country fried steak meal. Mmmm. I want one right now. Then we started drinking. Ha. We grilled out that night... still drinking... and then went back to Joe's to drink more. There were 11 of us there, 10 of us were drinking. Poor Dave was suffering from reflux/heartburn/Thursday night, so he couldn't play. We started to play card games, but realized quickly that there were too many people, not enough table space, and definitely not enough attention span to play anything with cards. Enter: Michael the Genius. Michael is like "I know! Let's all have a number, 2-11, when your number is rolled, you drink." We ended up coming up with a whole list of rules and even a name... and so is born Death Dice Twice.

Rules:
1. Everyone gets a number (in a clockwise circle)
2. When your number is rolled, you drink
3. If you roll doubles, you roll again
4. If you roll doubles twice, you have to roll the Death Dice -- this is the 3rd die that is brought into the game, and whatever number you roll, you drink that number
5. 12 is social
6. If you roll sloppy dice, you drink. (Sloppy dice means that one or both die have rolled off the table.)
7. If you roll your own number, you drink and roll again
8. if you roll your own number twice, you finish your beer. (As Candle says though, "I can't do that! I have acid reflux!" We still made her drink it. Ha, sorry girl.)
9. Go through 3 rounds of Death Dice, the person who drank the most amount of times will then start off as #2.
10. Start Death Dice all over until everyone is wasted and incapable of drinking more beer.

Michael, you should seriously patent this game and go make us millions. Genius. In the midst of the weekend, I constructed a beer box hat. It's pretty flashy. It also causes Shawn to sweat profusely. He claimed it didn't breathe well, it probably didn't. But it was really funny to sit next to him on the couch and watch him wipe the sweat off his forehead. He finally had to give up and give the beer box hat back to Michael. Ha. Good weekend. Thanks for the Clemson fun. I miss you guys.

This weekend Dave and I went to Waynesville. Instead of having a calm, quiet weekend full of family and activities such as hiking, it turned into one big drunken blur. Oops. Gee, who didn't see that coming? Friday night was spent around Billy's kitchen table with a case of beer and a deck of cards. We played like 17 rounds of asshole... we ended up with rules such as "everyone will refer to Nicole as 'Lemon Meringue.'" That was Brandon's rule. I don't know why. Needless to say, we didn't wake up until 1:00 pm on Saturday.
Saturday we just watched Clemson lose to Maryland... damnit and then bought an awesome case of Busch Light. I'm not even kidding. Billy and Brandon came over to Dave's around midnight and we decided that board games were the coolest thing to do for the remainder of the night. Before Billy and Brandon got there though, Dave and I played a few rounds of Guess Who. Remember, its the game where you say "is your person a girl? does your person wear glasses? is your person ugly as shit?" and then you say, 'I know, you're alfred!" Well, we shuffled the deck and, no kidding, Dave picked "David" for the first three games in a row. Had he picked David one more time, we might have had to burn the game and go get Mom.
Once the boys arrived, Dave went to pick out a different game that had drinking-game potential. He chose the game called BONKERS!

Here are the rules: Each player picks 4 cards. These cards say things like "Go forward 12 spaces," "Go back 4 spaces," "Go directly to Score" and things like that. You roll the dice and move foward that many spaces and then you get to lay one of your cards down as long as there is not a card already there. If there is a card there, you will continue to do what the cards say until you land on an empty spot. The object is to lay these cards down so you will end up in a "Score" zone. When you land on "score" you get a point and the first person to 12 points wins. You can also get a point if you create what we liked to call a conundrum. A conundrum occurs when you lay down, for example a "Go forward 5 spaces," and then you lay down "Go back 5 spaces," thus, you are in a conundrum and no matter what you do, you are stuck until you roll the dice again. Little did we know that this game would go on for almost 2 hours because of all the conundrums that we created.
Of course funny shit began to be said by everyone, so I, of course, had to create a "funny shit" list. It all started when all four of us were stuck in a conumdrum over on the left side of the board. I blurt out "it's like the Bermuda triangle! No wait... the BEER-muda triangle!" We seriously had to take a timeout because we all laughed so hard for so long that we could barely breathe or see. We kept playing the game and the following funny shit was said over the course of the 2 hour Bonkers experience:

Brandon: Carry me to the fridge, Billy.
Dave: A Bonker's back ride.

Dave: Can you believe we got drunk on Bonkers? Can you believe there is a game called Bonkers?!

Dave: This isn't Bonkers! This should be called MEAN. Exclamation point... quotations included.

Brandon: Do something stupid.
Dave: Do you want me to do Billy?

Brandon: You look gay sober.

I really don't know why any of these things were said or in what context, but they were amusing, nonetheless. I'm not sure if we ever actually finished the game. We seriously could not get out of the conundrum we created. You basically had to roll like a 12 or 7 to break out of the conundrum, but then if you didn't roll the same numbers again, once you were out, you'd just end up right back in. Reeeeeediculous. At some point, Billy and I, combined, knocked over 4 beers. The last one I knocked over, I didn't even realize I had knocked it over because I was rolling around on the floor begging for the game to end. Dave started yelling at me to sit up... after I had already acquired beer all over my shoulder. Billy sprinted to the bathroom to grab the box of tissues. I thought he was going to be super helpful and come smash them into the beer puddle so it wouldn't soak into the carpet. No. Instead, he just stood on the other side of the couch and hurled the tissues, one by one, at my head. I had to try to collect as many tissues as possible before all the beer was consumed by the carpet. It was like a freaking scene from Legends of the Hidden Temple or some shit. The person who collects the most tissues and soaks up the most evil fluid wins a Sony Karaoke Machine... no, all I won was a giant beer-soaked tissue wad that was used as a giant beer-soaked spit wad that continued to be hurled at my head for the rest of the evening. Thanks. I think we finally gave up around 4:00 am. We doubt that another game of Bonkers will ever be played quite as greatly as the one that was produced Saturday night. To celebrate our awesome drinking-game creation skills, I made some grilled cheeses. I'm impressed that I didn't burn down the Kuhlman residence. Awesome, and much needed weekend.

In random news: everytime Dave and I got in the truck this weekend, we insisted on blaring "Under Pressure," by Queen. Mostly because we liked to scream along when he would do the "Ba da dup ba day" nonsense.

there's this bar in west ashley called gene's and it is, by far, the most brillant bar i've ever encountered. here's why: they have table shuffle board, approximately 200 beers to chose from and mother effing connect four. no, i am not even kidding. they make a bar that has connect four at it. and you can play it while you drink your fabulous new favorite beer called purple haze. (yay, catherine finally suggested a good drink... haha) seriously, i don't know the last time i had that much fun. catherine got everyone shitfaced with her 9 rounds of shots... to the point where we wrote all over the coasters and proceeded to steal them. we also attempted to add our initials to the bathroom wall, but you see, our keys were not sufficing as well as we had hoped.
here was catherine's suggestion: well i have matches! we could burn our names into the wall!
my response: no catherine, that will burn down the bar.
catherine: oh yeah, you're right.
told you we were shitfaced. we basically just took like 20 pictures of us being drunk and cracked up all night. and apparently all kinds of funny stuff was said, but the only thing anyone can remember is me saying "if i had arm hair, it would be standing up right now!" in response to taking a violent shot of something...
okay, this is a little random and it may be hard to explain, but i seriously have to attempt to tell you people this. i makes me look like a moron, but its worth it. okay, so for months, catherine has been telling me that i need to try sake. well, everytime i read this, i pronounced it as saaake (long a). one day i asked dave "what's saaake? because catherine keeps talking about it." he laughed for about 10 seconds and then said, "you mean sah-key?"

oohhhhh. i get it now.

seriously, i thought i was smarter than that. and i mean, i really went for months wondering what type of drink this saaake was. okay, well to make it even awesomer, i was in target today and they have a freaking shirt that says "sake to me" you better believe i bought that shit. i'm wearing it tonight when we go eat sushi and talk about sake. and by the way, sake is gross, but the fact that i called it saaake and not sah-key for like 90 days, it completely ridiculous. and that is blog-worthy by my standards..