The Napkin Diaries

I don't know about you, but when the "accidentally awesome" nights happen, it makes me love my life even more. Joe and Laura were in town last night so a group of us got together at the Wild Wing in Mt. Pleasant. And not just any group... but a good group, one good for causing trouble, might I add: Joe & Laura, Jules & Adrian, Amanda & Jay (and Jay's roommate) and me & Dave.
Prior to this meeting, Jules, Adrian, Dave and I were at Tsunami accidentally getting wastey on Riesling and sake. We were happy by the time we made it to Wild Wing.
So we started drinking, then we started taking pictures, then we get really loud - the usual. Apparently our "usual" behavior made our waitress hate us because she seriously quit checking on us. I started going to the bar about 2 hours into our visit. Or maybe she just got sick of watching us pass around Amanda's hats that she conveniently brought or perhaps her eardrums hurt because we screamed "BIRTHDAY" every 3 minutes. Either way, she hated us. Thanks to Laura, we left her a nice note spelled out in toothpicks when we left.
So of course we're not ready to quit at 2 AM. Who does that? I'll tell ya who: Quitters. And that we're not. No brainer about where we're going next: Thee Southern Belle!
By this point we had lost Adrian & Jules, but the other 7 of us were still out in full force. We busted up in there like we usually do. I led the pack as close to the front of the club... as I usually do and we took over the front corner. We managed to take over the wheely chairs after a few minutes, so we had front row seats. As usual. I went up to the stage to politely give a dollar to one of the pretty ladies, and when I went to sit back down, I noticed my phone had fallen out of my purse and was in the crack of the seat. When I picked it up, I was like "Wait, this isn't miiiine," and without batting an eye, I shoved the new found phone into my purse and didn't say a word. I apparently turn into a kleptomaniac after ingesting 10 vodka drinks. So whatever, we hang out until about, oh who the hell knows what time it was... we just knew it was time for late night breakfast. So we left. And we managed to spilt up accidentally because mid-drive Dave decided that he hated IHOP and demanded we go to Denny's instead. So it was now down to Joe, Laura, Dave and me. We were providing a recap of the evening and just cracking up about all the debauchery and I was like, "Oh hey, look what I found." They were like "what the hell?!" and found it hysterical that I failed to mention for hours that I stole some dumbass' phone. I wanted to keep it. It was pretty. Dave told me I wasn't allowed to keep it, but that didn't mean that we weren't allowed to fuck with it.
Joe snatched the phone from the table first and started scrolling through the last numbers dialed. He happened upon Caitlin. Poor Caitlin. She received a text from Joe letting her know that "You were almost as good as your sister... almost." We then sent a few more texts, snooped through the stupid pictures, made fun of the toolbag names he listed his friends as, such as Vegas Joey and G-Money Nate, and gave ourselves a pat on the back for being complete assholes to some poor helpless clueless girl. We had several missed calls from Caitlin in the morning. Bahaha.
We had no idea what to do with the stupid phone so we figured we might as well just destroy it. We wanted to like blow it up or throw it off something tall, instead we opted to run it over in hopes that it would exploded. Okay, seriously, this was the most anticlimactic event ever. I did the honors of rolling over the phone in the Celica, and apparently my car is too wussy to do serious damage to anything because when we rolled over it, nothing happened! It was like and that was it. Nothing exploded, no shards of plastic came flying from my tires, nothing. Just and done. It squished some of the numbers and cracked the screen and now it won't turn on, but man, that was a disappointing end. The stupid thing is still in my car, just hanging out in the center console, patiently waiting for the perfect opportunity for a real going-away party. I hope the dude that lost that phone never reads this blog and puts it together. He's gonna be pissed.

Okay, so there was this random bulletin "22 things about your #1 friend on myspace" so I posed one for Joe and he posted one back for me. Because they are so terrific, I am turning them into a blog so that when "Life as I Wrote it: Volume II" is issued, it will be one of the first pages. Woot. So, here are the fun facts: the first one is from me about Joe, second is about me from Joe. K. Enjoy. Happy Friday.

22 Questions about JOE
1) What's their name?
JOE!
2) Do you trust them?
with my life
3) How did you meet them?
i really don't know -- 148 k girls and the 102 f boys just started hanging out. then we realized we had a very common interest: getting wasted. we spent the next 3 years of our lives drunk together.
4) How old were you when you first met?
oh wait! now i remember the first time i met you -- it was at a lambda chi party -- you were drunk and you gave me your number in the front yard of the house behind esso. i think i was 20 years old then.
5) Is this person one of your best friends?
he IS my BEST friend
6) Say something that only makes sense to you and them?
this could take a minute:
can i get a morphine drip? one, two ways? i have three bottles of wine and boonedock saints, let's go.
i need jim the hippo.
i need an adult.
could you teach me to dance, hospital style?
i mell moke.
and i need you to check my downstairs.
can i borrow your rackets? i need to do the dance.
oh and can we please stay up and listen to techno and talk about headboards?
thanks for the meat, and for plugging my hole. good pancakes. ronnie said that you're toxic. c
an i borrow your windshield? it makes me feel invisible.
thanks for giving me a designated craft station in 102 f.
sorry my room beeps too much. sorry you own taz shorts. for real.
beer forts are cool. so are pool floats. and ninja parties at the pool.
save an otter. wear a floaty.
do i have boat eyes?
i'll be on lap duty any time you need me.
is this skirt socially unacceptable?
thanks for being on nicole time.
thanks for playing 90s music. yay for the deadbolt.
yay for out of control hair.
if i take a canoe to paris, will you push me?
but i came in for tonsils!
america, fuck yeah!
blinky! run!blinky! run!

7) Is this person older than you?
by about 9 months
8) when was the last time you saw this person?
when we played death dice twice. gah, too long! can't wait until ugly christmas sweater party THIS WEEKEND!!
9) when was the last time you talked to them on the phone?
i called him tuesday to tell him there were 12 bottles of wine in my office.
10) Are you related to this person?
he's my brotha from anotha motha
13) Are you their b/f or g/f?
no, just my BFF
14) Do you have nicknames for each other?
i pretty much just call joe joe.
and he calls me nic.
15) Do you have pics of this person on your myspace?
all over the place.
16) How many times do you talk to this person in a week?
we probably talk every single day even if it is via myspace messages
17) Do you think the person will repost this?
it's possible
18) Could u live with this person?
i pretty much was the unofficial roomie at the 102 all last year.
20) Why is this person number one on your top friends?
because he's joe fucking long and he is the best mother effing person/friend ever. zee end.
21) Have you seen this person cry?
i actually don't think i've physically seen tears. no.
22) Do you know this person's middle name?
HARRY!! woooooot. LOVE YOU.
____________________________________________________

22 Questions about the one and only Nicole Fucking Cononie
1) What's their name?
Nicole
2) Do you trust them?
i dont trust many people, but her i trust with everything
3) How did you meet them?
first time i remember seeing her was at her halloween party, she came in wearing her trucker outfit and telling everyone the rules to some drinking game, i thought she was pretty hot, and i was kinda scared of her, so i talked to her quiet friend instead

first time i remember us hanging out was downtown then on the cat bus

4) How old were you when you first met?
like a week away from 21
5) Is this person one of your best friends?
she IS my BEST friend, we've been through alot of severe good and bad times in life and i know shes always there for me
6) Say something that only makes sense to you and them?
Valasa Raptors!
2x4 and some pantyhoes
Do the pirate dance
Free glowsticks in the front
the gesture you make like fanning your mouth cause its hot, but in a really gay way
the bathtub just kicked my ass
smells like january and valtrex
damn the bathroom is locked, wait this trashcan will work
yay im a lama again
can we get a pitcher of christmas
is it like this or is it like this, or is it like this...
pewpty pants'
'great prices, by here!'
nic and joe show
bombpops!
want some limes
ewww! dont touch me
Baxter!
(not as good as your list i know, these were all off the top of my head)

7) Is this person older than you?
little younger, not enough to make a difference
8) when was the last time you saw this person?
too fucking long ago, but the countdown is on for shenanigans
9) when was the last time you talked to them on the phone?
tuesday, i got a call concerning wine, go figure
10) Are you related to this person?
no but i consider her one of my sisters
13) Are you their b/f or g/f?
BFF oh yeah
14) Do you have nicknames for each other?
went from niconie to nikky to nic, thats what its been for years now
15) Do you have pics of this person on your myspace?
shes pretty much in everyone
16) How many times do you talk to this person in a week?
at least once a day either by myspace or phone, sometimes telepathy
17) Do you think the person will repost this?
im reposting hers
18) Could u live with this person?
we pretty much did for over a year, made a deal that if either of us get really rich we'll all get a house together
20) Why is this person number one on your top friends?
for all the reasons listed up to now, shes awesome, ridiculously fun and crazy, i can trust her with anything, sweet as hell, my drinking buddy, pretty hot, always there, and the kind of friend you only find once in a while
21) Have you seen this person cry?
ive got a few mascare stains on my shirts before, but only when something really bad happens
22) Do you know this person's middle name?
i believe it is Christene (i dont think thats spelled right) but we replaced it with an F-bomb a while back

Dave and I were in Clemson this past weekend to celebrate Joe's 24th birthday! Yay, happy birthday, Joe. We hung out Thursday night, drank a lot of beer, ordered pizza at 2:00 am and then Joe and I were the only one's left standinng at 4:00 am talking about everything from baby names to tanning beds. Dave crapped out sometime after the moonshine shot, which caused Dave to forget his childhood. He took the shot and immediately said, blank faced, "Now I can't remember my childhood."
Friday we ate Esso lunch - ohmygah I forgot how much I loved the 9000 calorie country fried steak meal. Mmmm. I want one right now. Then we started drinking. Ha. We grilled out that night... still drinking... and then went back to Joe's to drink more. There were 11 of us there, 10 of us were drinking. Poor Dave was suffering from reflux/heartburn/Thursday night, so he couldn't play. We started to play card games, but realized quickly that there were too many people, not enough table space, and definitely not enough attention span to play anything with cards. Enter: Michael the Genius. Michael is like "I know! Let's all have a number, 2-11, when your number is rolled, you drink." We ended up coming up with a whole list of rules and even a name... and so is born Death Dice Twice.

Rules:
1. Everyone gets a number (in a clockwise circle)
2. When your number is rolled, you drink
3. If you roll doubles, you roll again
4. If you roll doubles twice, you have to roll the Death Dice -- this is the 3rd die that is brought into the game, and whatever number you roll, you drink that number
5. 12 is social
6. If you roll sloppy dice, you drink. (Sloppy dice means that one or both die have rolled off the table.)
7. If you roll your own number, you drink and roll again
8. if you roll your own number twice, you finish your beer. (As Candle says though, "I can't do that! I have acid reflux!" We still made her drink it. Ha, sorry girl.)
9. Go through 3 rounds of Death Dice, the person who drank the most amount of times will then start off as #2.
10. Start Death Dice all over until everyone is wasted and incapable of drinking more beer.

Michael, you should seriously patent this game and go make us millions. Genius. In the midst of the weekend, I constructed a beer box hat. It's pretty flashy. It also causes Shawn to sweat profusely. He claimed it didn't breathe well, it probably didn't. But it was really funny to sit next to him on the couch and watch him wipe the sweat off his forehead. He finally had to give up and give the beer box hat back to Michael. Ha. Good weekend. Thanks for the Clemson fun. I miss you guys.

This weekend was Homecoming for those Clemson Tigers. That's a good enough reason to get waaaasted if you ask any of us. We partied our asses off from 11 pm Friday until aprroximately 3 am Sunday morning. Friday night was the normal drunk scene at the 102. Only this time, we had Catherine with us! Yessss. I came bearing gifts, too. I brought Catherine a bottle of Jack as a late birthday present and I also brought Joe a Halloween card. Please let me tell you about this card. Okay, I was in Target, and I see this black and white card with skulls and crossbones all over it -- and they are very real looking. It's all creepy and shit, so I picked it up, assuming there would be something catchy about how you should have a bad to the bone Halloween or something of the sort. No, Not even fucking close. I open it up to find this printed inside: Always follow your heart." WTF. I cracked up in the middle of Target all by myself and immediately ran to the register to purchase the most ridiculous greeting card ever made. Its now slapped onto the fridge at Joe's apartment and will most likey never come off. Seriously, what the fuck does that mean. The only other unusal thing that happened was that there was a dance party... with all the guys. Really, Joe, Michael, Dave and Shawn all danced. The girls just sat there. It was really funny and as soon as Joe sends me the pictures, I'm going to post them and blackmail the piss out of all of you. Yay, can't wait.
So we woke up and were at the tailgate by 10:30. Beers cracked by 10:31. Woot. This time we did it right: we brought the motherfucking couch. Oh yes. The grungy ass, disease-ridden ,lame excuse for a seating unit, used to be white but is now a dirty tan color couch from the 102 F. And we stuck it right in between the jeep and the truck. Genius. Effing genius. It did however turn into quite the accident causer when both Jayson and Opie did back flip-like maneuvers over it and tried to land gracefully, but usually just ended up on their asses over in the woods.
So as soon as everything was unpacked, funny shit started happening, so Joe threw a pen a pad of paper at me and said "go" So I compiled a list, appropriately entitled "Funny Shit" as the day progressed. It turned out to be one and a half pages long. I will now write everything that was written on the "Funny Shit" list and attempt to give an explanation... Okay.go:

Candle: "It will go up your butt if you let it!" Explaining how the yellow jackets (not the team, but the actual creature) are infact, crazy ass mother fuckers and will attack you, at all costs, if presented with the opportunity.

Brandy: "I'm Brandy! Like the motherfucking drink." Because sometimes people think her name is Randy.

Nicole: "Is my tag sticking out?
Dave: "Everything's sticking out, baby." I asked if my underwear tag was visible... Dave informed me that yes, my tag, along with most of my entire ass/crack was also in plain view.

Nicole: "I want someone to find my blog and read it and then they will want to publish it."
Brandy: "What? You want someone to find your blog and then they will want to pop your shit?"

Catherine: "I'm fucking infallible. What am I, the pope?" She invented the 'Catherine Surprise,' which is when you shove a wad of cotton candy in your mouth, then allow her to drown you in champagne, then you swallow it all while trying not to gag or laugh or wretch. Yes, wretch. All the while, half her ass is about to fall out of her pants, she has Joe's enormous sunglasses on, and her hair, is well, everywhere.

Catherine: "Thank God, I bought fucking cotton candy."

Candle: "I don't even care, put your finger there!" Telling me how its okay if I shove my finger into her drink so it doesn't fizz over.

Joe: My thinking parts are mad at my drinking parts."

Joe: "Nic, where'd you go?"
Nicole: "I don't know. I'm invis.....dable." Yes, there was a dramatic pause before I finished the word. Incorrectly, at that.

Nicole: "Oh! We're playing spin the bottle?"
Candle: "No! I don't do that! I could get meningitis." All day, Candle thought she was going to get meningitis... from her cup, the pine needles, the champagne bottle that everyone was drooling all over, etc.

Joe: "Are you drunk or retarded?"

Brandy: "Jayson! I can see all of your cards!"
Jayson: "I don't know what that means, but I'll see you later." Jayson's credit cards, and every other imaginable were spilling out of the hole he created in his back pocket. Brandy tried to warn him. Jayson took this as innuendo.

Joe: "It smells like January and Valtrex." I refuse to explain this any further.

Joe: "Oh, we've all seen the Cononie Coin Slot..." Yes, that's my ass. for those of your who are dumb.

Nicole: "I need some water."
Dave: "Why don't you just drink that?"
Nicole: "No. That's too watered down." I wanted regular water. Dave offered me the remains of his coke from Hardees. It was too watered down. Damnit.

Jayson: "You know when you're sober and you can't see and you're just like, ' Cool, I can't see,' and you squint to fix it? Well yeah, you can't do that when you're drunk."

So, those are the Funny Shit quotes that I promised. I would now like to mention some more funny shit that happened that did not require words:

1. Candle played "Billie Jean" by Michael Jackson and nominated herself to impersonate the Michael Jackson "spin-and-grab-your-crotch" move. She did this eight successful times. On the ninth try (why she tried any more than once is a mystery) she completely fell over backwards and busted her ass. Catherine came immediately to the rescue and shoved the champagne bottle at Candle's crotch. Candle latched onto the bottle and began thrusting again. All was saved.
Side note: Candle walked around most of the day with some object turned phallic in her crotch. She has come to terms with the fact that she has a serious case of penis envy and has chosen to celebrate this Candle-like feature.
2. The beer boxes were turned into sleds. Pretty much everyone except for me and Dave took a running, flying leap at the teeny piece of cardboard in front of them and barrelled down the little pine needle hill until the had to bail out when the hill turned into fucking pavement.
3. Catherine screwed up somehow and just laid on her back in the pine needles. We took this as an invitation to burry her in them. It was like burrying someone in sand, but instead with pine needles.
4. Candle got doo-doo on her knee. She attempted to brush it off. She now probably has meningitis.
5. A dance party happened at approximately 3:00 pm.
6. Joe had a phenominal idea. See, the couch is amazing, but seriously, its time for the bitch to die. It was decided that at the last tailgate of the year, we are simply going to regift the couch and stick it in the back of someone else's fucking truck. One of two reactions will occur, (a) they will be ecstatic that they have a newfound piece of tailgate furniture, (b) they will be so fucking pissed that some assholes put their piece of shit couch in the back of their awesome truck.
7. Joe explained that without Nic, he Nic and Joe show is just like Wayne and ___. Without Garth, it's just not Waynesworld.

So basically, this was the BEST.TAILGATE.EVER. Seriously, who brings a couch, concocts a drink that consists of cotton candy and champagne, turns beer boxes into sleds, does Michael Jackson skits, drinks 3 coolers of beer all in one day and actually lives to tell about? We are motherfucking rockstars. And we won, bitches.

PS: What song did we all agree to put on our pages so we can be gay together? I actually think I was too drunk at that point and since I didn't write it down, I can't produce a memory. Shit. You tell me. Now.

This past weekend Dave and I traveled (one hellacious journey, at that) to Clemson to see our favorites. We figured we could make a mini-engagement party out of it. Driving was a bitch. Seriously, why can't people get out of the passing lane when they are not passing? And why would you get into the passing lane when you can obviously see a truck coming at you doing about 90? Idiots. So needless to say, we were pissed by the time we got to the 102. It immediately got better, though -- like really, before we could park, Shawn was hugging Dave through the window and Erin was pretty much in my lap. Joe and Michael were screaming from the balcony. And I think Candle had her drink up in the air "woooing" at us. Damn, we have awesome friends.
So we proceed to drink some Evan and Cheerwine. Yes, it is actually a delicious combination. Who knew? Well, I guess Joe did since he made all of my drinkies for me. I think we were all drunker than we thought because the following things occurred, and I'm not certain of the order of the debachery:

1. Joe and I stood on the furniture and sang/screamed Toxic. We tried to pretend like we were at Karaoke Tuesday. Not quite the same. But at least it was the Nic and Joe show and not the __ and Joe show... as Joe put it when he attempted to perform without me one disasterous Tuesday night. Aww. I miss Ed Miller.
2. Someone decided that throwing poker chips into the ceiling fan was the best idea, like ever. So we started with the poker chips. Then we added a deck of cards. Then Joe's shoe. And then the tailgate chairs. Most everyone got something lobbed at their face. Thankfully we were all slightly numb from the "alcool" (as the Engrish ppt show depicted. I think only Joe and Catherine will understand that... but it's still funny and I'm not taking it out.)
3. Joe then thought it would be awesome to use his tongue, yes tongue, to stop the dusty ass fan blades. Apparently Joe's nose is longer than his tongue, though, because it was his nose that stopped the fan instead. Really, Joe, what the fuck were you thinking? I mean, it was funny as hell, so you do what you want.
4. Michael and I busted out the Cononie Shake. It was glorious.
5. Dave and I busted out the "River Runs Through It" dance. We need a better name for it... any suggestions? Jayson told us the next day that sometimes he's not sure if he should watch when we do that.
6. Joe gave Corey a shoe wedgy. And was eerily proud of this.
7. Michael, Joe and I ate cheese with some eggs and sausage underneath it. Best drunk breakfast ever. And sorry Dave, for using your head as my table... I guess you shouldn't fall asleep in my lap right before feeding time.
8. I had a back popping session with Shawn the chiropractor. I can stand up straight again. Thanks, Shawn.

More funny stuff probably happened. But I got drunk. It happens.
We tailgated all day Saturday. We were in Ingles at like 10:15 buying loads of beer and hamburgers. It was pretty. Not pretty funny. Just pretty. We brought a TV and Candle made a bomb ass playlist for us to rock out to all day. And we also brought the freakin Nintendo. Hell. Yes. For whatever reason though, my stomach decided to hate me, therefore causing me sobriety for the entire day. Boo. Dave had to stay sober too because he had to go the library because some doof he works with like completely crashed the entire system and Dave had to come to the rescue. Yay, Dave.
We basically just ate food and took pictures all day. Joe, Michael, Dave and myself decided to skip the game and play Mario instead. It was fabulous.
So yay for a good weekend with good friends and good times. I really miss Erin and Joe. Like whoa. But I guess I will settle for fabulous weekends if I must. Love you people. Oh yeah, and go Tigers! Way to kick some stupid LA Tech ass.

On a complete side note -- I apoligize for my use of capitalization. I have a job now that requires correct grammar... well, actually, they might not care, but I don't want to look like an idiot. So now I use the shift key again. Damn.

okay, in class on wednesday night, we got a little break so of course i turned to myspace to see if i had received any exciting messages, friend requests or comments... and i did! i opened my new messages to find one labeled "funny story" from joe. i thought it might be a chain-like story, or just something random. well, it was definitely random and a lot funnier than i was expecting it to be... so i ended up doing to silent, shake-your-shoulders-violently laugh in the middle of the classroom because of the following story from our favorite maniac, joe. so here it is, straight from the crazy man himself. enjoy:

so today i was at work and one of the machines broke, ok so i broke it but that's not the point, anyway i look around and the only tool available is a hammer, so....i proceed to fix it with that, after a few minutes my boss comes running into the room to see what the racket is and finds me wailing on this $30,000 machine and has a heart attack (i did not know it cost that much). he then asks in a not so calm manner what the hell im doing, i reply 'fixing it, it broke' i neglect to tell him just how it broke, he kinda flips out and says a hammer is not the way to go about fixing this, i respond with 'well, thats how i fixed it all the other times' right around here he has his second heart attack, then asks how many times ive beat the contraption, i respnd: 'uh......not many...a few....im pretty sure just once', then he made me get the machine guy and we fix it together, at which point the machine guy shows me the hidden locking pin which is all i needed to pull, tricky stuff, anyway im no longer allowed to use hammers at work.

jitterbug
*and yes he wrote jitterbug for no apparent reason at the end. can you now understand why he is my best friend?

and for my next trick... i will attempt to recreate this past weekend using as many descriptive words as possible. prepare yourself. this is going to be a ride. a really twirly, messy, drunk ass ride.
joe long paid charleston a visit thursday night whereupon it was only natural to get wasted. dave and i hosted a mini pregame party that included joe, candle, opie, jayson, megan and our new friend keenan. we pounded our way through half a bottle of jager, one and a half bottles of champagne and god only knows how much evan williams and beer. all before 10:30.
opie hauled our asses downtown. jayson hauled joe with him. ah, long lost jayson. what a nice addition to the debauchery. we got the sweet corner booth in purple tree. and then we were approached by a large camera with a bearded man behind it asking to take pictures of our cool as group of friends. by the way we were posing and screaming and cheesing, you would think that we had never been in front of a freakin camera before. so now we are plastered all over some website somewhere *no pun intended. great. actually, that's not really surprising.

after this, everything got hazy and for the sake of pride, i will leave names out of the following situations that took place: someone got insanely drunk/sick and i played puke fairy (how many times is that, 502, now? ugh) for a good hour or so while i held others hostage for moral support; there was crying mostly on my behalf because i was afraid that i too would get pukey, mostly from being around all the pukey, and i'm a real wimp when it comes to everything pukish; a dude slapped another dude in the face; two people almost got arrested... one of which got thrown slightly through a window, well actually this person's elbow was thrown through a window; clothing was lost; bartabs for each person were over $50; there was a dance off (well, okay, it was a pretend dance off from the nic and joe show. but i mean, i thought it was funny as hell); a noise violation was acquired; somehow a candle exploded in my living room,where i ended up spending about an hour with a roll of papertowels and an iron steaming the wax off my effing glass table; a cab driver was forced to listen to someone's life story (that was my fault, i needed a counselor of my own by the end of the night). and keep in mind all of this occurred between the people mentioned above plus one more person...
which brings me to the most exciting point of this entire blog: I MET CATHERINE! As many many of you know, catherine and I both dated the same doof from columbia who stands about 7 feet tall and has the ability to make a human feel about 7 inches tall. her a i have been "online" friends (how cheesy) for the past 2 years. and i mean, i really thought she was the shit but i was afraid i'd never have the opportunity to actually meet her in person. low and behold, my ass is standing at the bar at purple tree trying to order some maniac shot when i hear "niiicooolllee!" and it was catherine! we hugged each other like we were long lost elementary school pals. which is what she really does feel like because we've been "friends" for so long. the night turned into a whirlwind of applebombs, buttery nipples, and some red fruity shots. seriously, this girl is so awesome. we ended up kidnapping her... well actually she came with us willingly back to our apartment. we remained drunk and out of control until the wee hours. so we all woke up friday feeling like death's cousin. joe came to the rescue and ordered some fucking fantastic breakfast burritos from sonic. heaven. pure sweet heaven wrapped up in a soggy tortilla. i ate two. it was glorious.
we basically did the same thing again the next night, minus purple tree. i personally temporarily banned us from the bar due to our actions the night before. catherine, jayson, candle and opie came back over to entertain joe, dave and myself. i seriously love these people. we pounded through some evan and i was half cross eyed by the time catherine got there...and she didn't come empty handed. she came bearing gifts... from satan himself...[insert doom music here] she brought motherfucking tequila. ewwww. um, needless to say i was the puker that night. but i bounced back like a damn champ and came back to party after i got done caressing the toilet. gross. my drink of choice was water after that. i can't really tell you anymore of like what was said or what was funny because you know, honestly, i was just that drunk.
when i woke up, i opened the door to find the boobah standing there. dave and i cracked the hell up and the proceeded to pirch the demon in front of joe's door because well, duh, he put it in front of ours. then my phone jingles, i dance a little, and then i read my jingly little message. it's from catherine. she had woken up about 3 minutes after she was supposed to be at work and when she got in her car to speed home, she ran into a detour: tequila. she, too, had to puke. only her experience was worse, because instead of a toilet, she had a side of road to comfort her. i laughed. then i felt bad, but then i laughed again when she told me that she laughed too. bad tequila, bad!
so what is it now, saturday night? yes, yes it is. do you know what we did on this night? oh it was fabulous... we willingly went to participate in the viewing of motherfucking snakes on a motherfucking plane. there is only one word for this movie: ridiculous. the entire 2 hour experience was all worth it when mr. samuel l. said those infamous words: i'm tired of these mother fucking snakes on this motherfucking plane! the whole place cracked up. some even clapped. i think i was a clapper. ass-o-nine. we came back and drank more. i don't really know how. dave and i wussed out around 2:30 and the rockstars catherine and joe devised a brilliant plan to throw water balloons at hookers. but they ran into two problems: they could not find water balloons and they could also not find hookers. so apparently they spend the night on a curb at the battery swigging champage. can someone get them a trophy or something? jesus.
we pigged out on greasy, wonderful baroni's italian heaven the next morning thanks to catherine. well, by "morning" i mean like 2:00 pm, but that's neither here nor there.
i can honestly say that this was one of the funniest weekends of the year. i had such a shitty summer and i really needed to be with friends this weekend. and now that i have catherine to add to my bomb ass friend list, not only is my year better, my life is better. woo! so thank all of you for a freakin good ass weekend. and extra thank yous to candle and catherine for letting me cry a lot this weekend. both of you were so wonderful, and i really needed to be surrounded by good people, so thanks.
so yeah, my friends are the shit. and we're awesome. can we do it again? real soon? love the hell out of you guys.

i'm really starting to become obsessive with myspace. okay no, that's a lie. i'm really starting to realize how obsessive i've been for so long... so i was periodically checking to see if i (cross your fingers) had any new messages. and i did. yes! so i look to see what i have and it's from joe and it says "important" as the subject. i start thinking "oh no, something bad... like he knocked out a tooth... fell out a window... took a pledge of sobriety... there was no more karaoke with ed miller." you know, tragedies. so, i open the message only to find this as the contents:

my hips don't lie.

and that was all. i should have known it would be important. just not urgent. and sometimes i confuse the two. so yes joe, you were correct, it is vital that you're hips, in fact, tell only the truth. because lying hips just don't cut it these days.

so, i suck. i know. i haven't written a damned entry in like 20 days. terrible. well, not a lot of insanely fun things have happened... due to this lack of unfunness, i have not had the urge to share my life with you people.

in regular news though, i start my first day as a graduate student tonight at 6:15. kinda crazy. i'm excited about it though. kinda. actually, i'd really rather go get waaasted.

random: i bought one of those things that is fabric-like that you color and hang on the wall. it features patrick, from spongebob, and he is riding some ridiculous bike down a big underwater bike ramp and it says "make it stop." i purchased the fabric fun for my favorite half, joe. yes, joe appreciates these things. as do i. so it works. don't judge.

and really that is about the most exciting thing that has happened lately. i'm in a writing funk. sorry guys. i'll work on it...

i realize that i am only writing this for joe, but i don't mind letting everyone know just how amazing i think he is. i'm gonna be a sappy ass and i'm going to alude to some inside jokes, so its possible that the only person that will actually enjoy this entry is joe. which is really all that matters anyway. so joe, this is for you...

As we all know, I am officially out of control. And this out of controllness seems to be fueled when I am in the presence of Joe, Candle and Jayson. I have taken it upon myself to deem us the Fantastic Four. Our sweet powers include, but are not limited to: hydraulics, massive consumption of alcoholic beverages, unlimited amounts of inside jokes referring to BAP, Ronnie, nachos and otters, performances at karaoke TDs resulting in free shit, and the ability to have endless meaningless conversations. Yessss.
Tuesday was a perfect example of all of these way envied abilities. The four of us sang Take Me Home Tonight (of course) and from there on out, it just got crazier every time one or all of us were on that stage. Candle and I ended up being backup dancers, or maybe we actually made the song worthwhile, with Vixxxen while J-Quest and Gabe sang Hey Ya. Lucky for me, I had just made a tacky trucker hat that I was able to use as a dance prop which induced even crazier dancing. The hat says "yes" in rhinestones and has pink ribbon around the edges. [Refer to pictures for full effect] So then, The Nic and Joe Show (yeah, you like that) sang Toxic. That is the best performance Joe and I have ever done. Really. I didn't wear the hat, but I was drunk enough to not care if I danced out to the max. So I did... I did the whole gyrate thing when the song kinda makes the gyrate sound, and really, I heard the bar get really loud. So I just danced more. And they got even louder. It was so freakin awesome to hear everyone screaming and cheering. Then Joe and I would get in the middle of the stage, sing to each other, grind on each other and then go to opposite sides and do our own thing. We didn't plan for it to work that way, it just did. And it was the freakin bomb. Because of my amazing ass-shaking abilities, Ed Miller rewarded me with this teeny little Malibu tanktop that actually barely covers my boobs. Yay for free worthless shit, though.
So basically, I have too much fun, I'm too out of control, I drink too much and I shake my ass too much and I love every freakin second of it. Yesss.

I'm sure some of you have already heard pieces of the madness that occurred this past Saturday night concerning a trip made to the ER at 2:30 in the morning. Let me now fill you in on the insanity in it's entirity... it rivals for the title of funniest night of my life. Dave came to town, which called for dinner at Monterray's. Joe, Stephanie, Dan, Megan, Andrew, Dave and myself all went, whereupon the funniness began. We started telling stories of course, and I have not the slightest idea how this topic came about but it did: saving otters. Apparently Dave was out on a boat and saw this poor otter half drowning, so he scooped him up with his paddle and took him to shore. He gave the little guy some food and water and saved his life. Our motto, surprisingly enough, is now: Save An Otter. And that's funny. We're gonna make t-shirts.
Then I started talking about how much I hate flying and if I ever travelled I was going to just take a freakin boat. Or perhaps a canoe. With a single paddle. To Paris. "Hey Joe, will you give me a push? I gotta paddle to Paris and I can't get past the wake!"... I wind up 2 miles down the beach thinking I have sailed across the freakin sea. Yessss. And I think, "hmmm, Paris looks a lot like South Carolina."
Yeah, we're morons.
So then we go to Overtime. Stayed there all night. After like 8 shots and 2 pitchers, I got seriously out of control. I ended up wearing Joe's sunglasses, that actually resemble a windshield because they are so obnoxiously huge and tacky. I love them. So, when I have a prop, I tend to feel more invincible... I don't know. It's like the little kid on Big Daddy where if he puts on the sunglasses he feels like people can't see him. Yeah, hi, I do that too. Give me shades or a trucker hat and I'm good to go. So I wound up dancing on the bar, windshield on, thong hanging out, taking money out of people's teeth. Goodlord. Like, we caused a hell of a scene. Half the bar was watching us dance. Joe did the dollar-in-mouth-backbend-over-the-bar move, all the while I am bent down over him taking it from his teeth... did the same thing with Leah and Dave and a few more people that I can't really recall. People were screaming my name from across the bar (ahem Andrew) and it was a damn good time. I bruised my ass trying to get down. But I racked up like $15 from being up there for like 5 minutes. Hot. For a visual of how I looked on the bar, please refer to my newly updated facebook picture.
Closing time came. Whereupon it was decided we needed to go to the hospital. See, Dave had slammed his middle finger into his jeep door when he was pumping gas. It split it open on the underside, at the first bend in his finger (near the tip not the palm). He had wrapped it, but it just didn't seem like it was going to stop bleeding. He did this at like 6:00 that afternoon. So yeah, that'll be the only time we can say we made a pitstop at the bar before we went to the hospital. So we get there, Dave was on the phone getting yelled at by his dad because he didn't believe it wasn't an alcohol related injury and I was having a screaming fit in the bathroom because of all the shit that went down at Overtime after I left. Dave and I both got off the phone at about the same time and Joe said he could just feel the high tension. So Joe got on his hands and knees in the waiting room and literally drug himself across the floor using only his hands screaming "I need help! I need heeeeellllppp!" Holygod that was really the funniest act ever put on by Joe Long. Just thinking about him doing that makes me shake with laughter. So freakin funny. And he did it in the "Nic and Joe R-Tard Voice" which accounts for even more funniness. After that, it was nonstop laughing for 2 solid hours. I was still all pissed off and I was like "goddamnit, I am going to need some freakin morphine to calm down." I hadn't been that furious in a long time and I really couldn't compose myself. Like I was shaking I was so angry. (Still am, by the way... but that isn't relevant at this time) So Joe motions over the non-existant nurse and is like, "Excuse me, can I get a morphine drip over here? One, two ways, please?" Enter more hysterical laughter.
Joe and I got to be Dave's visitors, also known as the Worst Visitors Ever according to Dave, so we got to go wait with Dave back in our curtain-enclosed room. As soon as the nurse shut that curtain, Joe and I reverted back to being 6 years old and got into everything. First, Joe started playing with the huge overhead light -- trying to position it over Dave for maximum light usage. The nurse saw him. So Joe moped back to his seat where I was cracking up and kinda shoved him for being a tard. Yeah, shoved him right into the biohazardous waste recepticle. Joe was like "Nicole just gave me AIDS.... oh, maybe I shouldn't say that here." I laughed my ass off. All the while Joe was rubbing his arm mumbling "she gave me AIDS," and Dave was laying on the bed just shaking his head in silence at us. Joe got up to investigate (or snoop) some more. He opened one cabinet and was like "ooooooo I don't know what that is , but it looks fun!" Then he opens another cabinet and he was still cracking up from what was behind door #1, so his laugh turned into a cough. So he basically contaminated the entire steril ER. Way to go, Joe, gah. Way to give the sterilized equipment your newfound AIDS that I gave you, gah. He then was like "I neeed an adult." Again in the tard voice. Everything is funnier that way. So then anytime we started getting even more out of control, one of us would yell, I need an adult! It is also beneficial to use this phrase when being molested or harassed by any given person whose grimey mitts you do not want on your sacred, hot body.
Yeah yeah, we're going to hell. We already know...
Then Joe found the tongue holder-down things. Stole one. Found the surgi-lube which is really gross and I am content with never knowning what the hell surgi-lube is used for. Stole some of that. And then he found those sticky pads that you put on people's chest when you have to shock them. Yep, stole one of those too. You can search for this items on e-bay. Bidding starts at $7.48 for all items.
If you haven't gathered yet, we were in the room for quite some time, got a little stir-crazy, were still pretty waaaasted, and were in 6-years-old-mode. Then we found Baxter. The most expensive piece of machinery in the room. Joe picked it up, "Oooh it's heavy. Must be expensive." and proceded to push about 6 buttons at once. Baxter didn't move. He was just this little monitor thing, probably used to inspect people that have been contamenated with biohazards and they use surgilube with the chest pads and popsicle sticks to diagnose them. Or maybe it's just a heart monitor. Either way, we couldn't get the bitch to beep or turn on or anything. Gah, Baxter, way to be a tease. We continued to act like we were raised in a barn. Joe did the "tuck your arm in your sleeve so only your elbow sticks out of your shirt move," and said in the tard voice, "but I came in for tonsils!!" So in the process of writing this entry it has come to my attention that it was actually Joe that was being the child the entire time, I just didn't help the situation because I would provoke him to continue with his absurdity. All the more reason why I love you, Joe Long ;)
Finally at about 3:30am, Dr. Leap came to sew up Dave's damned finger. He's barely in the curtain and Joe is like, "Hey! Are you an author?!" I'm thinking WTF? Where the hell is this about to go? Dr. Leap is like "Why, yes I am." I laughed and did the "what is this" move. (For you Catholics who know the comedian Dane Cook, you know what I am talking about.) So Dr. Leap gave Dave these horrible shots in his finger that made it swell up like 5x its normal size. Grooooody. Joe and I got to watch doc stitch up our Dave. It was gross. But Dave got 3 stitches - which makes for a cooler story than just 2 stitches. Yesss. Dave was like, "I'm gonna be pissed if I don't have to get any stitches. I at least want a good story out of this damnit." Joe got all serious and was like, "So, Dr. Leap, is Dave going to be able to play guitar well after this?" Dr. Leap, without skipping a beat was like, "Could Dave ever play guitar well?" Joe was like "Awwww man, I reeeally wanted to use that line! Gah." Haha. Joe got served.Then Dr. Leap told us gross and weird stories about guys who got bit by snakes and dudes who lost 3 limbs. Ewwww. Then the nurse had to come in and wrap up Dave's bloody disaster. She was like, "Now, keep this clean and don't get this wet." Dave was like, "ummmm how am I supposed to clean it and not get it wet?" I laughed. I couldn't help it. She was like, "get it wet when you clean it, but keep it dry when you shower." Dave was like "Ummm..." I was like "Wear a floaty!!"

So yeah, karaoke got a little out of control Tuesday night. First, we took over the front table. Really pissed off Vixen and Company. Oh well. We're cooler. And we wear bras. Second, Ed Miller took a mini vacation. Which was really a disapointment. Third, we were complete stage whores. Joe signed us up as "Nicole and Such" to sing Take Me Home Tonight. Lord. Me, Joe, Candle and Jayson all went crazy on stage. Even did the point and thrust. So yeah, we were funny. And it was bound to happen. The four of us sing that song like, ohhh, all the time. So it was only right to perform it drunk for all to witness. Then all of a sudden Vanilla Ice was playing and me and Jon took over one of the microphones and screamed the entire song while using the hydraulics.
We took a mini break and just hung out at the table. Literally. Joe told me to put my stairs away. Yeah, it's an inside joke, I don't really expect many of you to understand. Then I had a text message war with Adam. Well, not really a war. We're dorks and have too much fun with texting, basically. And I just got a new camera phone, so I was very distracted for most of the night. But then again, it's me, and I am kind of one big distraction all the time...
One really cool part -- the awesome bartender gave me a free pitcher! Only charged me for one -- so I tipped him like 120%. Fair. They treat me right.
Then these crazy black people took over the stage to sing Back That Ass Up. Candle and I felt compelled to join. Well, Joe had to kind of push me around a few times, but then I was like "yeah, okay, I should be up there." This massive black dude was all like, "damn girl, you need to be up here in the front so everyone can see those fine ass moves." Guess where I went? To the front. I'm such a stagewhore. I know. Gah. Yeah, I thought I blew out my hydraulics in Charleston. Looks like they are back in business. Yessss.
So then somehow we were the last song of the night -- Shot through the heart and you're to blame, honey, you give love a baaad name! Me, Joe, Candle and Jayson went bananas. Joe and I had the microphones and basically sang to each other most of the time. There was a brief moment where I yelled "Jon Brown, you give love a bad name!" Haha. He cracked up. As did I. And about half the bar. I also incorporated the "Cha" into the lyrics about 6 good times. Ed Miller would have been proud.
The four of us and Jayson's fun friend Chris all went back to Joe's where we made our own Waffle House. This WaHo was much nicer to Candle than the real one. Poor girl. So yeah, I made 12 eggs, Joe made 14 sausages and we all ate the hell out of some breakfast. At one point, we were all silent and Jayson blurts out: why am i trying to put the sausage in my mouth longways? And damnit none of you better quote me! I actually spit milk out of my mouth. Sorry, honey that is too funny to not blog about. LoveyouJayson! God, that kid cracks me up more than anyone else. Candle ended up passing the fuck out like in the middle of the floor, Jayclimbingtrees and Chris went home, and Joe and I stayed up listening to techo and beating the crap out of each other. Sorry we were so loud. Ha.

In other news: I beat gray box Nintendo Wednesday night. It only took me 22 years and 54 men to make Mario 3 my bitch. And don't make fun. You people love me. So be proud.

This blog is basically for Jayson, and also for Joe too since I retold the entire evening to him when I can stumbling into his apartment at 2:00 in the morning. So Tuesday night was absolutely insanely funny. We went to crazy karaoke (duh) where the first act that we paid attention to was the deaf guy. Really. A deaf guy who sings karaoke. Which I mean, its honorable - you gotta give him credit for trying. But I think one try is enough. As Joe said it, "once i heard a cat get run over and it sounded better than that." I don't really think he did hear a cat get run over, but you could imagine... and I don't mean to be mean, I really don't - I give the guy credit for trying, but I really wish he would take up marathon running, for instance. He'd be good at that...
so then Joe had to leave us. Way sad, because he is becoming my new hip ornament and I have a hard time functioning without him next to me. So it was just me and Jayson. Which really seriously was the funniest night in like all of karaoke history. First, we started doing the sketchy dance. The point your finger, thrust your hips, lick your lips, and stare too long at one person dance. We then resorted to the horrible Elaine (from Seinfeld) dance. Holy shit that was funny shit. Like imagine a normal rap bass beat, and then bend your knees, thrash about and snap on separate sporadic occasions while adding weird pelvic thrusts in awkward directions with no sensible rhythm while remembering to not stay in any kind of sync with the original beat given to you. Believe me, you will laugh, and everyone will laugh at you. And what is sad is that I know of at least two people who dance in this fashion. God help them.
After being sketchy dancers (hold me closer tiny daaaancer), Jayson and I shimmied our way to the front of the bar so as to catch a "better" view of the stage. If by better, you mean funky nacho smelling area with creepy staring guy and glittery shirt hobag. Mmmm, I love the "better" view already. So yeah, me and Jayson were minding our own business making fun of everyone else in the bar, when all of a sudden Jayson gets this revolting look on his face and proceeds to flare his nostrels, furrow his brow, curl his lip and scream "what the fuck?!! do you smell that?! what is that?!" I almost fell out of my chair laughing. I was like "Dude, what the hell is wrong with you?" He then morphed into psycho sniffer and sniffed everything within a 10 foot radius... including me. So I sniffed back.... whatever, so we thought it was nasty glitter hobag girl that smelled like funky nachos. But when she came closer, we realized it was not her but rather, disgustingly obese sweaty arms-cut-off-shirt guy. Like, so sweaty he had the sweat marks from his neck to his large belly area as well as the sweaty back look. Yeah, I threw up a little in my mouth. I mean, I've heard of people who sweat out beer, but to sweat out nachos?! Come on?! Then that song that is like 'Just like Roonnnnnie said/be my little baby.../ take me home tonight,/ I don't want to let you go til I see the light" came on. And for whatever reason, it was so freakin funny. I mean think about it, sweaty nacho guy who is now dancing with glittery slutface girl (who was on the verge of doing the sketchy Elaine dance) with "take me home tonight" blaring in the background with some offkey doofus singing, makes for a really funny scenario. And then this weird guy in the yellow shirt kept staring at me. And like, not even a flirty smiley stare, just a blank creepy ewwww stare. I was like "Really, wtf?" So Jayson backed up and watched the dude walk by me. I kinda yelped and did the grunt I do and snarled a little. Who stares with no expression? Gross. So yeah, funny chain of events... If you don't think so, well then you suck. And you shouldn't read my blog anymore. Because damit, that shit is funny.
So after that, Jayson and I really couldn't take anymore. So we left. We went to Esso because we wanted to find Candle and get "Night at the Roxybury" on her ass -- you know, slam her back and forth between the two of us and bob our heads frantically to the side. Yeah, but when we go to Esso, no one was there except for the big scary bouncer man who was standing inside with his arms crossed behind the bar just shaking his head at us. We quickly left. So then creepy Manson stalker girl called Jayson for the 59th time and was like "I left you 17 messages telling you I was at Loose Change, gah, why aren't you here too?" So Jayson was like "Gah I swear she is the spawn of Jeffrey Dommer... well wait, I don't know why I said him instead of like Charles Manson since her last name is kind of Manson..." So we also decided Loose Change was a good idea because Beezers is next door to it. So we get in there, and like noshit, within 7 seconds so weird bug-eyed dude is like petting me, asking me about my lifestory and really I think he wanted to be in my skin he was standing so close to me. I kept giving Jayson the save me look, all he did in return was the sketchy bar guy act where he'd squint his eyes and lick his lips and point. Thanks Jayson. So yeah... we left and got some damn Beezers and god it was so good. With olives right, Jayson? Or wait, was that oil and vinegar? Ha. Moron.
So by 2:15ish I busted up in Joe's apartment, all crackin up, cussing out Mother Nature for raining on my drunkass and I proceeded to give him an instant replay of the night. I almost choked on Beezers like 9 times in the process of the storytelling time.
So thank you, Jayson, for entertaining the hell out of my ass. And I think we should do nachos with Ronnie again real soon...



and on a completely different side note:
My brother graduated from Hillcrest High School June 1st, 2005 with badass honors. I don't know how to spell exemplary so I chose to say badass instead. So congrats, bro -- you kick ass. And I love you and I cannot wait for you to be at Clemson with me in August!

oh, by the way, my last blog was happy because i left out all of the ridiculous fucking drama that happened in the midst of memorial day weekend. to sum up -- never expect me to be around for freedom weekend again. it has proven to be the most screwed up weekend of the year, every year. and for me to still be shaking with anger 3 full days after the events means that i am really hurt, pissed, and completely baffled at some people's selfish and thoughtless actions. but, i refuse to let stupidity ruin the remainder of my month, (which is only 2 days, i do realize that, but it's the principle of it or whatever)so i have forced myself to listen to music that will make me smile, if not completely crack up -- its my "you cant get mad because you are listening to ridiculous 90s music" playlist, and really, it works. some ridiculous 90s songs that have been added to the list are: c&c music factory - everybody dance now; real mccoy - run away; spice girls - wannabe; new kids on the block - step by step. i am so serious too. i've always used music as an outlet, however i will admit i never thought i would have to use it to make myself laugh. if you can't laugh the second you hear "sooooo i'll tell you what i want what i really really want," then yeah, that's too bad.
also, saturday morning joe and i woke up at 6:00 am because we were still so horribly mad, but i ended up telling him the story of how i couldn't say "s" sounds when i was like 3. i therefore would say things like "i mell moke!" when i indeed smelled a cigarette or fire. and screaming "i mell moooooke" makes my sides hurt from the laughter that phrase creates. and then to accompany "i mell moooke" with "have you scheen my downschtairsch?" makes for laughter that may induce fainting because you can't breathe due to shaking and laughing. and its that laugh-so-much that you've actually succumb to the silent shoulder shaking laugh with an occasional gasp for air. so i thank god for my sense of humor and my ability to laugh because i really would have beat the shit out of some person(s) if i couldn't calm down. actually i wouldn't have beat anybody up, my brain can't process the act of hitting someone. but damn i sure did act it out in my head. so iloveyoujoelong, for keeping me laughing and also for not breaking my banister, because i indeed will need a railing tomorrow.
moral of the story: listen to spice girls and tell silly toddler stories when you are really mad. because you can't stay mad when the boys of new kids on the block are swooning you with "step by step, oooooh baby. gonna get to you gurr-urrr-urrr- rrrlll." see, bad 90s pop music does serve a purpose: keeps me from punching people in the face.


and one more time just for the hell of it -- i mell moooooke!

I got to pretend I was famous Friday night. Somehow Michael was able to get a limo for us to take to Freedom Weekend. Do you know how cool I felt? It's rare for me to actually feel cool, and I so did Friday night. Me, Joe, Emily and Michael were all excited waiting for the limo to come get us from the apartment. I made some comment about how I was going to crack up if it was white with like gold hundred spokes or some shit -- low and behold, the bitch was white. no crazy rims though. Still made me laugh. Our limo driver was this crazy Brooklyn guy. Accent included. So we piled in the thing and got absolutely wasted. I finished an entire bottle of red wine, Emily had champagne, the boys had hard liquor - very very bad ass. On the way there, I would roll down the window just far enough for people to see my big tacky sunglasses. Then I would wave and blow kisses like I was some famous chick. Ha. We had to pick up Zach and I made Joe get out and go take a picture of me sticking my tacky head out of the window. Oh, I thought I was so cool. So yeah. We got the limo driver to park and let us keep drinking once we got to Freedom. But the only problem was that Joe and I really really had to pee. We had no idea where the potties were so we just started walking in the direction we were pointed in. Well like seriously, there were no bathrooms anywhere. And we couldn't hold it much longer... so we found this baseball field that had bathrooms -- and the bitches were locked!! So instead of peeing in the bathrooms we just had to pee next to them. At 6:30 in the afternoon... in broad daylight. Oh, the nonsense Joe Long and I get into. Too funny. So then I continued to roll down my window and wave to people once back in the limo -- I really confused a few bystanders. Everyone wanted me to be like 'Hey, I'm Katie Holmes. Want an autograph?" but my guess is that is somehow illegal. So I opted to throw myself back in my glass of wine and laugh about everything.
Finally we got kicked out of the limo so we were forced to go to the concert. Honestly, the limo was way more fun than actual Freedom Weekend. But I did get to see Matt Mullinax and hang out -- which was very cool. I'm always so glad to see Matt.
The limo we took back to Clemson was even cooler than the limo we took there -- this one was a black stretch Navigator. Pimp as hell. And we had Senn with us this time around. Crazy lights in the ceiling, bombass stereo system and even more huge than the first. We were so silly drunk and all I wanted to do was dance, but I ended up doing this goofy knee-knockin, pigeon-toeing, arm-flailing move that I've never done before but apparently thought looked really cool since I could see my reflection in the windows and the mirrors around the bottom. This in fact was not a cool move and I have asked Joe to make sure I never repeat that dance again. I also kept wanting to crawl around from the front to the back of the limo, so while I would attempt to move around, I'd be like "I'm sorry if you can see my downstairs," because I had on my teeny jean skirt that is basically worthless... unless my goal is to show my downstairs. So everyone probably got to see my underwear, but hey, at least I had them on... Ha... sorry if you saw my downstairs... that phrase alone cracks me up. So yeah, the limo stuff was definitely cool. First time I'd ever been in one, or two in one day for that matter. So I lost my limo V-card and I have to admit, it was worth it.

Okay so Joe and I were pretty much the only ones left of the 6 pack last night. Everyone is either living in Charleston or on vacation or just at home. So we decided we needed to drink together. Starting at 6:00 last night, we made these hardcore margaritas and really, by 8:00 I had a serious buzz. Ha! So I kinda made the margaritas wrong everytime. I don't understand ounces and all that jazzz (Yes I just got a college degree) but whateva, it got us drunk. Hey did you know that tequilla tastes like metal? I swear. And so does Joe. So anyway... It was still daylight outside and Joe and I were on the verge of being wasted. So we're just chillin in my apartment and Joe decided to go outside to smoke. He closed the door and like 5 seconds later flings it back open screaming, "You know what?!" I was like "Ummm, what??" Joe was like "You die without your liver, and really I mean, I wouldn't want to live if I didn't have a liver anyway. Think about it. Thiiiiink about iiiit!" WTF Joe? Really. Enter the new Gwen song: This shit is bananas B-A-N-A-N-A-S! Ha.
So Joe and I went downtown around 10:45 because duh, it was Karaoke Tuesday. As soon as we got there he was like "I'm signing us up to sing and there is nothing you can do about it... hahahaa" Thanks Joe. So I guess around midnight Ed was like 'Nic and Joe" Shiiit man. And yes, we sang Toxic. Honestly, Joe put me to shame, I started out strong, but Joe really knew all the words and hit the high notes surprisingly well. Apparently we were hillarious. I mainly just shoook my ass because really, that is all I am good for. You people know I cannot sing, so I just let Joe do most of the work while I used the hydraulics. They liked us. Joe's fun and I have a ghetto ass - good karaoke combo if you ask me. I later impressed Joe with my ability to add "ahhh skeet skeet mothafucka" to any given song. You can do it - swear. Just play some St. Elmo's fire and I will gladly add in the necessary skeet skeet mothafucka. Talent. I know.
Joe and I made these awesome ass little pizzas and the "Mexican family" size box of mac and cheese when we got home. Its pretty impressive that we never burn the house down or just fall on the stove or anything destructive like that. Then I came home, talked to Tucker, found my extremely sexy Hot 98.1 tshirt and passedthefuckout.