The Napkin Diaries

i've been meaning to write this blog since like, sunday, but i had to find this particular receipt first. this receipt that i speak of, is the one that i wrote down all the funny drunk stuff on from saturday. i do this pretty much everytime i go out, because i learned quickly that i will only remember funny drunk stuff if i (a) write it down (b) call myself and leave a message. i found that calling myself doesn't usually work because i just laugh and take gulps of my drink and forget why i am calling myself. if i write it down, i can usually somewhat read it in the morning.
saturday was amanda and rob's wedding out at dune's west. amanda was dave's roomie for a while down here in charleston. really fun wedding... er, drunk... the bartenders knew how to make a hell of a vodka drink. dave and i went over to his friend's house for a hot minute and then went to meet candle, opie and jayson out at gene's. of course. well, we were just driving when all of a sudden it was smelly outside. this is what happened:
nicole: (turns off radio completely and rolls down window. closes eyes and takes a big deep breathe)
dave: um, why did you have to turn off the radio to smell?
nicole: (without skipping a beat) i had to focus my senses!!
dave pretty much just shook his head and rolled his eyes. i probably said something like "whatever, you love me and you're gonna marry me. so there." i was pretty much wasted at this point.
we got to gene's and i think i basically just bumbled around all night. i watched jayson inhale this beautiful plate of loaded cheese fries and only had to steal one in the process. i kept telling myself that fries would taste better than beer and that would mean i would stop drinking, which would mean i would get sober. and no one wants to be sober. so, somehow i had the willpower to ignore the vitamin g. vitamin g, as i was so kindly introduced to, is grease... just a funnier way to say it. you can also accumulate vitamin g at the awful waffle, as randy - one of dave's fun friends - explained to us. and the awful waffle is waffle house, which makes sense, but damn i did not understand that at the time.
dave and i left gene's at some point... duh.. whatever, and we went to mcdonalds. ugh, why? well they were only serving #2, 3 and 10. and holy crap, dave and i argued all the way to the window about what the hell #10 was. i thought it was chicken nuggets; dave thought it was a fish sandwich. dave finally broke down and asked the window chick what the hell a #10 consisted of... i was right! it was chicken! aha! as soon as she said "chicken nuggets" i did the bratty, "told ya sooo!" thing. then again said something like "whatever, you love me. fiance." i hated myself in the morning for eating 9 pounds of burgers and fries at 2:00am. i was bloated for like, 3 days. gross. dave still wants to go back and recheck that particular menu to see who was right. i still believe that i was. i usually am. ha.
moral of the story: use receipts to record funny happenings.

This weekend Dave and I went to Waynesville. Instead of having a calm, quiet weekend full of family and activities such as hiking, it turned into one big drunken blur. Oops. Gee, who didn't see that coming? Friday night was spent around Billy's kitchen table with a case of beer and a deck of cards. We played like 17 rounds of asshole... we ended up with rules such as "everyone will refer to Nicole as 'Lemon Meringue.'" That was Brandon's rule. I don't know why. Needless to say, we didn't wake up until 1:00 pm on Saturday.
Saturday we just watched Clemson lose to Maryland... damnit and then bought an awesome case of Busch Light. I'm not even kidding. Billy and Brandon came over to Dave's around midnight and we decided that board games were the coolest thing to do for the remainder of the night. Before Billy and Brandon got there though, Dave and I played a few rounds of Guess Who. Remember, its the game where you say "is your person a girl? does your person wear glasses? is your person ugly as shit?" and then you say, 'I know, you're alfred!" Well, we shuffled the deck and, no kidding, Dave picked "David" for the first three games in a row. Had he picked David one more time, we might have had to burn the game and go get Mom.
Once the boys arrived, Dave went to pick out a different game that had drinking-game potential. He chose the game called BONKERS!

Here are the rules: Each player picks 4 cards. These cards say things like "Go forward 12 spaces," "Go back 4 spaces," "Go directly to Score" and things like that. You roll the dice and move foward that many spaces and then you get to lay one of your cards down as long as there is not a card already there. If there is a card there, you will continue to do what the cards say until you land on an empty spot. The object is to lay these cards down so you will end up in a "Score" zone. When you land on "score" you get a point and the first person to 12 points wins. You can also get a point if you create what we liked to call a conundrum. A conundrum occurs when you lay down, for example a "Go forward 5 spaces," and then you lay down "Go back 5 spaces," thus, you are in a conundrum and no matter what you do, you are stuck until you roll the dice again. Little did we know that this game would go on for almost 2 hours because of all the conundrums that we created.
Of course funny shit began to be said by everyone, so I, of course, had to create a "funny shit" list. It all started when all four of us were stuck in a conumdrum over on the left side of the board. I blurt out "it's like the Bermuda triangle! No wait... the BEER-muda triangle!" We seriously had to take a timeout because we all laughed so hard for so long that we could barely breathe or see. We kept playing the game and the following funny shit was said over the course of the 2 hour Bonkers experience:

Brandon: Carry me to the fridge, Billy.
Dave: A Bonker's back ride.

Dave: Can you believe we got drunk on Bonkers? Can you believe there is a game called Bonkers?!

Dave: This isn't Bonkers! This should be called MEAN. Exclamation point... quotations included.

Brandon: Do something stupid.
Dave: Do you want me to do Billy?

Brandon: You look gay sober.

I really don't know why any of these things were said or in what context, but they were amusing, nonetheless. I'm not sure if we ever actually finished the game. We seriously could not get out of the conundrum we created. You basically had to roll like a 12 or 7 to break out of the conundrum, but then if you didn't roll the same numbers again, once you were out, you'd just end up right back in. Reeeeeediculous. At some point, Billy and I, combined, knocked over 4 beers. The last one I knocked over, I didn't even realize I had knocked it over because I was rolling around on the floor begging for the game to end. Dave started yelling at me to sit up... after I had already acquired beer all over my shoulder. Billy sprinted to the bathroom to grab the box of tissues. I thought he was going to be super helpful and come smash them into the beer puddle so it wouldn't soak into the carpet. No. Instead, he just stood on the other side of the couch and hurled the tissues, one by one, at my head. I had to try to collect as many tissues as possible before all the beer was consumed by the carpet. It was like a freaking scene from Legends of the Hidden Temple or some shit. The person who collects the most tissues and soaks up the most evil fluid wins a Sony Karaoke Machine... no, all I won was a giant beer-soaked tissue wad that was used as a giant beer-soaked spit wad that continued to be hurled at my head for the rest of the evening. Thanks. I think we finally gave up around 4:00 am. We doubt that another game of Bonkers will ever be played quite as greatly as the one that was produced Saturday night. To celebrate our awesome drinking-game creation skills, I made some grilled cheeses. I'm impressed that I didn't burn down the Kuhlman residence. Awesome, and much needed weekend.

In random news: everytime Dave and I got in the truck this weekend, we insisted on blaring "Under Pressure," by Queen. Mostly because we liked to scream along when he would do the "Ba da dup ba day" nonsense.

so i've gotten semi-slack on the blog writing, i know. sorry. i meant to write one last week about our ridiculous drunken excursion downtown, but i waited too long to write it and now i can't remember. blast. it involved 2 buckets of beer, 2 surfer on acid shots, 3 vodka drinks and a trip to gilroy's pizza at 2:00 am. i blame ed miller for all of this.

well, whatever. so yesterday dave was sleeping on the couch and i was so freaking bored, so i decided that i was going to wake his ass up so he could entertain me. i went to sit next to him on the couch and here is the conversation that occurred:

nicole: hey dave? are you awake?
dave: my throat is green... or brown or purple.
nicole: um. what?
dave: nevermind. i don't want to talk about it.
nicole: um. okay. i'll let you sleep some more.
dave. yeah okay.

after he actually woke up, i told him about our conversation. he claims that he meant to say "my throat is dry." why the fuck he said green instead is beyond me... i guess he's been living with me too long and has picked up my talking-while-sleeping habits. i'm expecting us to have full-blown sleep conversations eventually. maybe we should set up a tape recorder at night to see what happens...

This weekend was Homecoming for those Clemson Tigers. That's a good enough reason to get waaaasted if you ask any of us. We partied our asses off from 11 pm Friday until aprroximately 3 am Sunday morning. Friday night was the normal drunk scene at the 102. Only this time, we had Catherine with us! Yessss. I came bearing gifts, too. I brought Catherine a bottle of Jack as a late birthday present and I also brought Joe a Halloween card. Please let me tell you about this card. Okay, I was in Target, and I see this black and white card with skulls and crossbones all over it -- and they are very real looking. It's all creepy and shit, so I picked it up, assuming there would be something catchy about how you should have a bad to the bone Halloween or something of the sort. No, Not even fucking close. I open it up to find this printed inside: Always follow your heart." WTF. I cracked up in the middle of Target all by myself and immediately ran to the register to purchase the most ridiculous greeting card ever made. Its now slapped onto the fridge at Joe's apartment and will most likey never come off. Seriously, what the fuck does that mean. The only other unusal thing that happened was that there was a dance party... with all the guys. Really, Joe, Michael, Dave and Shawn all danced. The girls just sat there. It was really funny and as soon as Joe sends me the pictures, I'm going to post them and blackmail the piss out of all of you. Yay, can't wait.
So we woke up and were at the tailgate by 10:30. Beers cracked by 10:31. Woot. This time we did it right: we brought the motherfucking couch. Oh yes. The grungy ass, disease-ridden ,lame excuse for a seating unit, used to be white but is now a dirty tan color couch from the 102 F. And we stuck it right in between the jeep and the truck. Genius. Effing genius. It did however turn into quite the accident causer when both Jayson and Opie did back flip-like maneuvers over it and tried to land gracefully, but usually just ended up on their asses over in the woods.
So as soon as everything was unpacked, funny shit started happening, so Joe threw a pen a pad of paper at me and said "go" So I compiled a list, appropriately entitled "Funny Shit" as the day progressed. It turned out to be one and a half pages long. I will now write everything that was written on the "Funny Shit" list and attempt to give an explanation... Okay.go:

Candle: "It will go up your butt if you let it!" Explaining how the yellow jackets (not the team, but the actual creature) are infact, crazy ass mother fuckers and will attack you, at all costs, if presented with the opportunity.

Brandy: "I'm Brandy! Like the motherfucking drink." Because sometimes people think her name is Randy.

Nicole: "Is my tag sticking out?
Dave: "Everything's sticking out, baby." I asked if my underwear tag was visible... Dave informed me that yes, my tag, along with most of my entire ass/crack was also in plain view.

Nicole: "I want someone to find my blog and read it and then they will want to publish it."
Brandy: "What? You want someone to find your blog and then they will want to pop your shit?"

Catherine: "I'm fucking infallible. What am I, the pope?" She invented the 'Catherine Surprise,' which is when you shove a wad of cotton candy in your mouth, then allow her to drown you in champagne, then you swallow it all while trying not to gag or laugh or wretch. Yes, wretch. All the while, half her ass is about to fall out of her pants, she has Joe's enormous sunglasses on, and her hair, is well, everywhere.

Catherine: "Thank God, I bought fucking cotton candy."

Candle: "I don't even care, put your finger there!" Telling me how its okay if I shove my finger into her drink so it doesn't fizz over.

Joe: My thinking parts are mad at my drinking parts."

Joe: "Nic, where'd you go?"
Nicole: "I don't know. I'm invis.....dable." Yes, there was a dramatic pause before I finished the word. Incorrectly, at that.

Nicole: "Oh! We're playing spin the bottle?"
Candle: "No! I don't do that! I could get meningitis." All day, Candle thought she was going to get meningitis... from her cup, the pine needles, the champagne bottle that everyone was drooling all over, etc.

Joe: "Are you drunk or retarded?"

Brandy: "Jayson! I can see all of your cards!"
Jayson: "I don't know what that means, but I'll see you later." Jayson's credit cards, and every other imaginable were spilling out of the hole he created in his back pocket. Brandy tried to warn him. Jayson took this as innuendo.

Joe: "It smells like January and Valtrex." I refuse to explain this any further.

Joe: "Oh, we've all seen the Cononie Coin Slot..." Yes, that's my ass. for those of your who are dumb.

Nicole: "I need some water."
Dave: "Why don't you just drink that?"
Nicole: "No. That's too watered down." I wanted regular water. Dave offered me the remains of his coke from Hardees. It was too watered down. Damnit.

Jayson: "You know when you're sober and you can't see and you're just like, ' Cool, I can't see,' and you squint to fix it? Well yeah, you can't do that when you're drunk."

So, those are the Funny Shit quotes that I promised. I would now like to mention some more funny shit that happened that did not require words:

1. Candle played "Billie Jean" by Michael Jackson and nominated herself to impersonate the Michael Jackson "spin-and-grab-your-crotch" move. She did this eight successful times. On the ninth try (why she tried any more than once is a mystery) she completely fell over backwards and busted her ass. Catherine came immediately to the rescue and shoved the champagne bottle at Candle's crotch. Candle latched onto the bottle and began thrusting again. All was saved.
Side note: Candle walked around most of the day with some object turned phallic in her crotch. She has come to terms with the fact that she has a serious case of penis envy and has chosen to celebrate this Candle-like feature.
2. The beer boxes were turned into sleds. Pretty much everyone except for me and Dave took a running, flying leap at the teeny piece of cardboard in front of them and barrelled down the little pine needle hill until the had to bail out when the hill turned into fucking pavement.
3. Catherine screwed up somehow and just laid on her back in the pine needles. We took this as an invitation to burry her in them. It was like burrying someone in sand, but instead with pine needles.
4. Candle got doo-doo on her knee. She attempted to brush it off. She now probably has meningitis.
5. A dance party happened at approximately 3:00 pm.
6. Joe had a phenominal idea. See, the couch is amazing, but seriously, its time for the bitch to die. It was decided that at the last tailgate of the year, we are simply going to regift the couch and stick it in the back of someone else's fucking truck. One of two reactions will occur, (a) they will be ecstatic that they have a newfound piece of tailgate furniture, (b) they will be so fucking pissed that some assholes put their piece of shit couch in the back of their awesome truck.
7. Joe explained that without Nic, he Nic and Joe show is just like Wayne and ___. Without Garth, it's just not Waynesworld.

So basically, this was the BEST.TAILGATE.EVER. Seriously, who brings a couch, concocts a drink that consists of cotton candy and champagne, turns beer boxes into sleds, does Michael Jackson skits, drinks 3 coolers of beer all in one day and actually lives to tell about? We are motherfucking rockstars. And we won, bitches.

PS: What song did we all agree to put on our pages so we can be gay together? I actually think I was too drunk at that point and since I didn't write it down, I can't produce a memory. Shit. You tell me. Now.

this weekend, dave and i went home to simpsonville. our main goal was to show dave downtown greenville so he could get a feel for the church and the hotel where we will be having the wedding/reception. it was also "fall for greenville" or ffg this weekend; which is basically this food festival in the streets of downtown where a bunch of fatties waddle around and stuff their faces. in order to partake in the obesity, you have to buy tickets that will then allow you to buy food and drinks. so gay. so you have to get in line to buy 8 tickets for $5. then you get in another line to buy a wristband for a dollar. then you get in more lines so you can use your tickets to "buy" things. whatever. so we bought like $15 worth of tickets saturday night so we could drink. we met corey and erin downtown to hang out with them -- they bought a wad of tickets too. well, no one told us that ffg was going to quit serving beer at 9:30. who does that? so we were pissed. i bought a huge vanilla jack in the box milkshake on the way home to make up for the calories i missed out on from the beer. gah.
so our genius idea was to just go back on sunday. which is exactly what we did. dave and i slept with our wristbands on in hopes of saving 2 bucks, but the bastards changed colors the next day. erin and corey met us again so they could use up the rest of their tickets too. sweet. so we ended up getting wasted in the middle of the afternoon in the middle of downtown on a freaking sunday. we, too, waddled around with our beers just like the rest of the fatties. but we waddled out of drunkness, not out of fattness. gah, seriously, you'd feel so good about yourself if you saw the people that come out of their homes for food festivals. like, holy crap, i looked like miss america compared to some. okay, that's mean, but i mean, seriously, here's some of the shit we saw:
fat girl in duck slippers
fat girl in hippie pajama pants
fat old lady with high side ponytai
fat black man with blinky sunglasses that induce seizures
fat girl(s) with those stupid cropped jean jackets
7 foot tall fat black man
and a lot of exposed skin that really shouldn't have been exposed
there was also an abundance of emo kids walking around. seriously, i just want to feed them a cheeseburger, brush the back of their hair and give them a hug. dave on the other hand, would rather just kick their asses. so, some scrawny emo dude comes sulking by us and dave's like "gahhhh, i'm so eeeeemmmmoooo" in this bitchy, whiny voice. the guy turns around, all 86 pounds of him, and just stares at dave. dave was like "awww, don't get so bent out of shape, you can go cry about it later, don't worry." i had to laugh. so do you. emo is funny. i don't care who you are, even if you're emo, you know you're laughable.
so, we continued to use our beer tickets. dave was so smart that he even divided them into clusters of 4 because that was what a beer cost: 4 tickets. not $2.50, but 4 tickets. at some point, we only had like 3 tickets and dave really wanted to go ask if he could have 3/4 of a cup.
then we had this genius idea to just go to wild wings and drink beer there. it was cheaper, and there was cheaper food... and more of it. so we went there and drank our asses off some more. erin ended up with this fruity yellow pitcher of goodness that she downed herself. i was proud. so then we finally used up our last tickets, but not until after we went to see if we could ride the swings. unfortunately... well, actually, maybe it was fortunate, that the swings were only for little fatty kiddies. no adults, emo kids or obese moms allowed. so then we thought about stealing the big ass jager banner that was hanging up near the kiddie swings. we had no good way of removing it or hiding it once we would have stolen it, so we had to leave it. damn.
then we drank or last round of beers while sitting on a curb making fun of all the people that we made fun of for the past two days. getting drunk on sundays is cool.