The Napkin Diaries

I had the most amazing birthday celebration this weekend! My 24th birthday was last Wednesday, so Dave and I just went to dinner and had a low-key night. The debauchery was to begin Friday night. I was supposed to be at Mad River at 7:30 Friday night -- that's all they told me. I walked in to our little private room to see a slew of fabulous people screaming Happy Birthday at me! There was a humongous cake that could have fed Ethiopia that had blackmailish pictures of me all over it and to wash this cake down, we had 3 hours of freaking OPEN BAR! Let me take this time to thank the one and only Catherine Reid for planning, arranging and organizing this amazing event. Seriously, thank you - no one has ever been so thoughtful or done anything like this/that for me.
As you could imagine, the cake became a face ornament, in that Megan DuPree started another food/beverage fight. She's good at that. Hahah. Needless to say, approximately half of the party ended up with Cake Face. Niiice. Tasty, though. Miss Megan was also responsible for ordering the shots and passing them out... haha. Her response was something like this, "Well, I'm not drinking them, but I'm still damn good at ordering them." And she is - I was buzzed by 8:45.
Jayson delighted me with the funniest freaking birthday gift: the magical Box with a Hole in it for No Good Reason. The hole is actually for penises. Refer to pictures for visual aid.
There was supposed to be a Mystery Guest of the night. I had no idea who to guess, so Catherine surprised me before the Mystery Guest arrived and told me that the MG of the night was none other than DeAnne!! Holy crap, I finally got to meet the girl! Our "club" was complete. We took pictures.
After basically all the under-agers were kicked out or about to be kicked out, we moved on to the Purple Tree. We immediately took over the corner couch and then ran to the bar. I informed our favorite bartender, Jody, that we were celebrating my birthday and then instructed her to create a shot for us. After I ordered the 7th round of Mystery Shot, I asked Jody what the name of it was. She screamed something, but all I could hear was "Alter Ego." And so the birth of the Alter Ego Shot. Mmmm. Red Bull, Vanilla vodka and Peach Schapps. Try it, bitches. You'll love it.
After what should have been $200 dollars worth of Alter Egos, I transformed into stripper mode and insisted on giving everyone lap dances. There are pictures to prove this as well. Damnit. I now understand why the bottom of my foot was bruised... I danced all night, quite possibly on only one foot...
My tab turned out to only be $36. I have no idea how. I love bartender Jody. We moved on to none other than Thee Southern Belle. Duh. I found us some good seats, but then proceded to get unnecessarily angry when I contracted the hiccups. Like I was really mad -- Dave basically smothered me to get rid of them. It worked. We spent the rest of the night informing our friends which strippers were good and which ones we should give our money.
We all woke up with hangovers. Big surprise.
We didn't move until Poe's that night - we had to show everyone the fabulous bloody burgers we so adore. Our waiter was cool - we wanted to be his friend. He chops down trees and shoves them through cat doors when he's drunk. He also buys limos and starts yard fires. He is also fined by the police for these actions on a regular basis.
We laughed all damn night. The entire ride there, brother Michael cracked us up by telling us stories of how he's hurt himself or been hurt over the years. Personal favorite: Michael slammed his own hand into the door of the Big Blue Van we used to own. He began screaming, as slamming one's hand into a large metal object could inflict pain, thus resulting in screaming. Our mother assumed Michael was screaming in fear and began questioning about the "bee." "Michael! Is there a bee? Where's the bee, honey?" No bee, Mom, just Michael's hand rapidly breaking in our massive van door...poor Michael.
The Cononies apparently overdid it Friday night because Michael and I were asleep before 11:30. Losers. Dave wasn't far behind. This sleeping did not sound appealing to Joe, Bill and Catherine, as they ventured back to Thee Belle for the second night in a row. Rumor has it Catherine is detoxing after this weekend. I support and understand this decision.
I realize that I have not included any of the hilarious sayings that were said over the course of our drunkness. Why, you ask? I was too drunk to remember and too drunk to remember to even write the funny shit down. Please post in the comment section any funny shit you need us to remember.
Thank you again to Catherine, Dave, Megan, Joe, DeAnne, Michael, Jayson, Liz, Noel, (Shawn and Elisabeth for trying) and any other maniac drunks that were part of this weekend. My friends kick bee ass. Love you, you sluts.

i will write a big awesomely hilarious blog in a few hours, but first i just have to rattle off a few thank yous:

1. catherine -- thank you SO much for planning such an awesome birthday party for me. open bar? how awesome are you, seriously. no one has ever done something so very thoughtful. you are a wonderful friend -- i am so lucky.
2. david -- thank you for managing to keep all this a secret! i love you and i am so blessed to spend the rest of my life with you.
3. megan -- thank you for being here and helping plan this weekend. and especially thanks for providing the blackmailing photography that was posted all over my delicious cake. ha. i love you, girl.
4. joe -- every weekend is always better when you are with me. the end.
5. michael -- i seriously think that everyone gained ab muscles this weekend. thanks for always cracking us up and being the life of the party. i have one cool ass brother.
6. jayson -- your birthday present was the funniest damn thing ever, hands down. thanks for always being so much fun.
7. deanne -- thank you for coming to charleston! it was a complete surprise and i am so glad that we finally got to meet each other!! you and liz are so much fun and i cannot wait to play with you guys again really soon. i think it's so awesome that you, catherine and i have such a crazy little bond. you're awesome, girl.
8. bill -- you were a huge surprise this weekend, too! thank you for always being so supportive of dave and me and for just being such a freaking great guy. we're lucky to have you around.

i love you people. i have great friends. thank you! thank you! thank you! fun blog to come soon! mwah!

This weekend began on Thursday night around 8:15 for me. Catherine the Great came to play! I hadn't seen the girl in months, so we had a lot of catching up to do, that's for damn sure! We finally got to exchange Christmas presents, too. She gave us these awesome flutes and tumblers and some fab champagne, and some chocolate annnd some sweet Britney Spears lip gloss/perfume (haha). We made mac and cheese and sat on the floor and talked our heads off for like 8 hours. Seriously, we got through the entire bottle of Pink champagne and the entire bottle of Chablis. Which I particulary enjoy pronouncing exactly as it is spelled: Chab-lis. Bahaha. So, by 4 AM we were wasted and giggly.
Friday night meant that Joe and Michael were gonna be in town for the weekend. They arrived around 8:00ish and we cracked some beers and ordered pizza. Niiice. Megan brought over her newest purchase, Carter the Kitty. He's a little puffball - so cute. Tucker hates him... likely story. Tucker hates everything. So we ended up having a mini party that ended after 50+ beers, 50+ jello shots and a good 5 rounds of Snider surprises. Joe, Michael, Dave, Catherine, Snider and Jayson and myself ended up playing round after round of random card games or What the Fuck. Throughout the night, many HA-larious things were said, which of course meant that I kept a running log of the nonsense. Here's the list of shit we came up with Friday night: I will attempt to explain some of the ones that will not get me into trouble. Bahaha.
Things that were said this weekend that were funny as shit and in no particular order:
1. I have strong patella *Michael Snider said this after it sounded like his kneecaps exploded while he was trying to stand up to go create more shots for us.
2. Smells like birthday *Snider said this after we blew out the candles
3. I want to keep the tomatoes *Joe was telling a story about one night where he was completely out of his mind drunk. He found himself in DuPree's bed (this is when we were all still living in Clemson). We were all headed downtown and decided to leave Joe there since he was content chasing the goldfish that he swore were swimming around the air around his head. Megan did not want Joe to barf all over his bed... so she apparently handed him a strainer. WHAT? I think at this point in the story Dave or my brother chimed in and said "I want to keep the tomatoes." Implying that when Joe lost his shit, all the liquidy parts could strain through and the chunks could be salvaged. Okay that makes me want to vomit after typing such filth...
4. I'm swinging around like Babe Ruth *Jayson said this as he was demonstrating just how passionate he was about knocking all the shit out of the pinata that they had at some crazy party. The contents were well worth swinging around like Babe Ruth as they were mini bottles and cigs. College...
5. Magic trick: if I guess your card, you drink four *Snider wanted to do a magic trick for Dave, however the stipulation was that if Snider could correctly remember how to do his sweet trick in his drunken state, Dave would have to take 4 swigs of something
6. Jamaican Jump = Sexy Leap... I don't know *I have no idea who said this or in what terms it was said. If anyone does know, please enlighten us.
7. I would do myself for free *In the midst of playing WTF, there was some question about having sex with yourself for money. My brother kindly informed us that he'd be more than happy to sex himself up for free.
8. Bonnet or diaper... either way, I'd look like Zach *Our beloved friend Zach Deegan aka 40 Friend, was dressed as Dorothy for Halloween... anyway, we were still playing WTF and Snider had some question about what he'd rather wear in public, a bonnet or a diaper. His response, "Either way, I'd look like Zach." To give an even better image of Zach, during his freshman year on the hall, he decided to run around with an air horn, in teeny tiger print boxers with a picture of a tiger face taped to face. The tiger face he found in like, fucking National Geographic, so he tore out the entire page, cut out eye holes and taped the whole page to his face... and ran around. This, my friends, is the epitome of Zachary Deegan. You should get to know him
9. Who the fuck wants to live in a fruit? *Michael, my bro, got a question that said "would you rather live in a giant shoe or a peach?" He was disgusted when most of us answered "fruit" and thus made this statement.
10. I'm drunk. Oh wait, you're alive? *Joe noted that he was drunk. David chimed in with "What? Oh wait... you're alive" Implying that Joe is always drunk. Which is 90% true. And cool, in my fucking book. And this is my book, so it's cool. There.
11. Holla holla holla holla holla holla let me holla at ya let me holla at ya holla holla holla *My brother said this every fucking 2 minutes all weekend.
12. Not a rendezvous.. a ron-de-don't *I don't know why I said this but I did
13. Tastes like... middle school girls *This was actually said Saturday night by Noel, Jayson's brother, in regards to the shot that I created. It was awful.
14. YOU RUINED MY LIFE * I said this because I am a life ruiner... hahaha
So that concludes Friday night... at 6 AM none the less... Saturday night, we went to Banana Cabana to see Catherine. This time it was Dave, Michael, Joe, Jayson, Noel, Amy and myself. Dinner was the bomb. Jayson brought the Wii over, so we played that magical device until we were satisfied with our level of intoxication. Then we went downtown to Sketch Central -- Tonik. It was 18 and up, so my bro could get in... well we were loud and obnoxious and wasted and it was fabulous. Please go enjoy the pictures. Oh wait, Catherine and I did get booed off stage. Yeah, I don't know either. Who boos ME off a stage? No one in their right mind... he was probably gay. Ha. Also, I, oh man this makes me laugh -- Joe was completely harassed all over that bar. First, he went to grab a drink and some non-English speaking, foreign looking girl asked him if he had a girlfriend. He said that he was just at the bar with his friends. So she asked him to the strip club and said it something like this (please use your best Asianish girl voice to say this) "Oh, you no girlfriend? Want to go strip club wit me?" Joe was like "Ummmm, I gotta go." Whereupon he might have ended up in the bathroom, only to get berated by Drill Sergent Drunk in there. Joe is just trying to pee when (in your best loud military scary man voice read this)... "HEY! Have you thought about your future? Do you want to defend our country?! Well you should enlist as a soldier in our military!" I think Joe put his head down and quickly walked out, but not too quickly because if you walk too quickly in Tonik, you will fall down on your ass and get the Hepatitis. That floor was fucking grody. Like, Joe could do a Jig without picking his heals up... seriously Joe, how do always seem to attract the R-tards? Must be your nuclei force. Must be...
Oh yeah, we also felt it necessary to bring the Taboo buzzer along with us. This way when anyone said anything dumb/unacceptable/or just something buzz-worthy, we buzzed. Because that's how we roll.
Sunday we all wallowed around. Catherine panicked because we made her late for work. Sorry, dear. And I took 4 naps. It was wonderful. We really do need to have more weekends like that. I love being drunk for days with good company. Makes life incredibly enjoyable. So keep your calendars open for the first weekend in March... we might be planning a party. Get ready, bitches.