The Napkin Diaries

There are a few extremely random facts that I would enjoy sharing. They really don't correlate to one another, so do not attempt to find a secret message or any sort of pattern..

1. My current favorite song is "Crazy Bitch" by Buck Cherry. Expect it to be my default song in the next 48 hours. Sorry Madonna.
2. Sunday night, Dave and I went over to our friends' house - Andy and Brooke - and we had dinner and decided to play board games. 6 bottles of wine, two bags of popcorn, two bowls of ice cream and 6 hours later we had completed one game of Clue and were working on our first game of Risk. We called it quits at approximately 1:00 AM whereupon we agreed that Dave or Andy would have won, but it would have taken a few good hours to kick my ass out of Australia. Dave and I then went to McDonald's and ordered too much food. Dave was still chewing when he passed out. When I tried to wake him, he mumbled something about Quebec. I can only assume he was dreaming about how to defend the country in the game of Risk.

3. On top of dreams of Quebec, Dave also has been experiencing some weirdness with his ears -- he can't pop/unpop them. As some of you may know, this can really fuck with your equilibrium... which is exactly what it did to Dave. So poor Dave was all wobbly on Monday - like so wobbly that he couldn't look at a computer, see straight or walk correctly. I took him to the doctor where he was poked in the ear with some device that almost made him puke. Luckily, Dave is not as wobbly today and could drive himself to work. He had a mild bout of vertigo. My poor mom has also experienced vertigo, however hers was so crazy severe that when she laid down in bed, she'd have to keep one foot on the floor so she wouldn't spin as much. I mean, damn, I'd at least want to be spinning because I had one too many Mind Erasers or Black and Blues, not because my ear fluid was being tsunami-like.
4. I am on a chopsticks kick. I want to eat everything with them. I might try eating popcorn with them next.
Okay, that's all I really wanted to share. Oh, in super fabulous news: Joe and my brother are coming to town Friday night. Expect great things, my friends.

Thus far, 2007 has been extremely drunk. To start off the New Year, my company had a Christmas party that cost us over $600 and ended the night at the strip club in the back room with Cookie purring in my ear. Two nights later was New Year's Eve, where David was unaware that 2 hours had passed by after midnight and he thought that we still had not seen the ball drop. I guess that's one way to ring in the new year -- not even realize you rang the damn thing in.
I guess now the goal is to upstage every weekend in 2007. So far, that plan is working beautifully. This past weekend, Billy and Elliott came down from NC to celebrate Billy's birthday. Shawn and Elisabeth also came down from Clemson to come play with us. We had one full house, that's for sure. The weekend officially started at about 3:00 AM Wednesday morning when Bill and Elliott arrived. It took Billy all of 4 minutes before he opened the refrigerator to find 48 glorious jello shots before him. I think he sucked down 6 right then and there.

Thursday night the four of us went to dinner and then to Gene's for $70 worth of Amstel Lite and table shuffle board. We met up with Amy (my fabulously awesome work buddy) and her friends, Chris Jones and Emily. And yes, you have to call him Chris Jones. Don't ask questions. I guess you could consider the night a success based on the mere fact that both Billy and I puked. I mean, we obviously had our fair share of fucking jello and other miscellaneous shots and drinks. Man, I hate puking though. I guess I will strive for the pukeless year in 2008 since I already blew it one week into 2007. Oops.
Friday night, Shawn and Elisabeth joined the debauchery. We took everyone out to Poe's for delicious burgers. It was awesome to go back there since that was were Dave and I ate our last dinner as just a couple and not an engaged couple. Aww. We decided to take it easy Friday night since Thursday almost killed us. Well, it at least put a dent in our funds. So we invited Amy and company back over and also Miss DuPree for some board games and beer. We spent hours playing card games, Cranium and What the Fuck. And really, I am not sure the last time we all laughed quite so hard. For those of you that remember, WTF was a game that I received at the Esso Christmas party last year, and it also happened to be the game that Chris Jones brought over. I cracked up that someone else also owned this fabulously tacky/trashy/raunchy game. The questions consisted of hypotheticals such as: would you pull out all your teeth for one million dollars? Or which would you rather hang from your Xmas tree: live mice or used tampons? We finished off the night with Jackass the movie. Did I mention we turned this into a Pajama Party? Well we did. We all managed to overstuff ourselves at dinner and came home and immediately shed ourselves of jeans and cute tops and settled for velour pants and oversized college and/or suggestive t-shirts. I opted to not wear the Jager tshirt, as I have a tendency to vomit while sporting the damn thing... ironically, I wore it Thursday night to bed...
Saturday we went downtown to wander around and attempt to rid ourselves of some of the fat we packed on this weekend thus far. I'm not sure what exactly provoked it, but everyone was so EMO. It turned into a running joke... Billy was listening to his ipod and walking around -- yep, we deemed him EMO. I wore black nail polish -- so EMO. Dave had road rage - totally EMO. Elliott wore all black -- fucking EMO. It didn't matter what the hell you were doing, you were emo. And that's final. We went to dinner at Bubba Gump's then came back, got pretty and called our cabs. Hell yeah, no one has to be DD if they don't want to be! Genius idea. Luckily Shawn brought half of his closet and was able to dress both Billy and Elliott since they both only brought their emo wardrobes. Shawn brought his pretty princess clothes, so all was well. Elisabeth and I got to rock out our hottie headbands that we bought at the market earlier that day. Oh we were cuties, let me tell ya.

So we took our cab (and Amy's car) to Purple Tree. Duh. Everyone had an awesome time. From what I gathered, everyone loved the Tree. I'm glad. I really wanted to show all of our wonderful out-of-towners a bombass time. Seems like the mission was accomplished. Once the "Mondays" took over the club and we could no longer breathe, we decided it might be time to head to Thee Southern Belle. This was after I was sure to give Dave an amazing lap dance in attempt to show the rest of our friends what the strippers were going to do to all of us. Little did I know that I would be the only one receiving the type of attention from strippers that I just gave to David...
So we pile in the fucking taxi van. Oh yes, van. And we get to blare Bon Jovi "Living on a Prayer" and scream to one another the whole way there. Well, Dave didn't scream, he instead counted how many railroad tracks we had to pass before we got to the nudey bar. It's 3, by the way. Just in case we ever need to go again, or something. Lucky us, we came to the Belle the same night as Miss Pussy Polaroid came too! Seriously. Not even kidding. This crazy bitch got up there, and for $10, you could sit in the chair while she either did a handstand with her goodies in your face, perched on your shoulder like a fucking parrot, or grinded on you completely ass naked. And then you got to keep the picture! WTF. Who does that? Well, apparently Billy decided to partake in the insanity. We were sure to post the obscene photo on the fridge when we got home. Holy God... So the remainder of the night was spent with small clusters of us crowding the stage in hopes of getting to motor boat the naked girls. Okay, well that's what the boys wanted... instead, it turned out that all the girls were in love with me. Seriously, one stripper took my entire boob out and gave the place a show, 3 more put my face in their boobies and shook me around ( I was dizzy a few times), and about 2 more girls put my boobs in their face. Good.God. Once we realized that I was favored by the girls, all the boys would come up with me because we knew that we could get her to come to our side of the stage... needless to say, everything smelled like strippers for about 30 hours after we left.
I think we made it home by 5:00 AM. We spent the next morning cracking up and retelling all the details that we could each remember. Between the 8 of us, we could collect all the events of the evening. Now it's Tuesday and I am still trying to recover from the absolute out-of-controllness that was this weekend. Thanks for a fucking awesome time, guys.

I was driving somewhere and decided to bust out one of my old ass untitled CDs from the back of the case yesterday, and La La happened to be one of the songs on the random ass CD. there is always one night in particular that i think of when i hear that song, and that would be the night we were in city bar - i know that dave, joe and megan were with me. and i think emily and michael were there too. either way, the girls went up to the front stage and this song came on. i threw one of my legs up on the railing and grinded all over the place, all swinging my hair around and being as drunk and sexy as possible. well, my sexiness was supposed to be wowing dave, instead, i ended up catching the lesbian's eye. she told me i was the best dancer in the bar and that i was really pretty. megan saved me. needless to say, i still have no idea what dave's reaction was that night because i was too busy being semi-molested by the little lesbian lady...

so yeah, everytime i hear this song, i think of that night. and that's funny.

Okay, so there was this random bulletin "22 things about your #1 friend on myspace" so I posed one for Joe and he posted one back for me. Because they are so terrific, I am turning them into a blog so that when "Life as I Wrote it: Volume II" is issued, it will be one of the first pages. Woot. So, here are the fun facts: the first one is from me about Joe, second is about me from Joe. K. Enjoy. Happy Friday.

22 Questions about JOE
1) What's their name?
JOE!
2) Do you trust them?
with my life
3) How did you meet them?
i really don't know -- 148 k girls and the 102 f boys just started hanging out. then we realized we had a very common interest: getting wasted. we spent the next 3 years of our lives drunk together.
4) How old were you when you first met?
oh wait! now i remember the first time i met you -- it was at a lambda chi party -- you were drunk and you gave me your number in the front yard of the house behind esso. i think i was 20 years old then.
5) Is this person one of your best friends?
he IS my BEST friend
6) Say something that only makes sense to you and them?
this could take a minute:
can i get a morphine drip? one, two ways? i have three bottles of wine and boonedock saints, let's go.
i need jim the hippo.
i need an adult.
could you teach me to dance, hospital style?
i mell moke.
and i need you to check my downstairs.
can i borrow your rackets? i need to do the dance.
oh and can we please stay up and listen to techno and talk about headboards?
thanks for the meat, and for plugging my hole. good pancakes. ronnie said that you're toxic. c
an i borrow your windshield? it makes me feel invisible.
thanks for giving me a designated craft station in 102 f.
sorry my room beeps too much. sorry you own taz shorts. for real.
beer forts are cool. so are pool floats. and ninja parties at the pool.
save an otter. wear a floaty.
do i have boat eyes?
i'll be on lap duty any time you need me.
is this skirt socially unacceptable?
thanks for being on nicole time.
thanks for playing 90s music. yay for the deadbolt.
yay for out of control hair.
if i take a canoe to paris, will you push me?
but i came in for tonsils!
america, fuck yeah!
blinky! run!blinky! run!

7) Is this person older than you?
by about 9 months
8) when was the last time you saw this person?
when we played death dice twice. gah, too long! can't wait until ugly christmas sweater party THIS WEEKEND!!
9) when was the last time you talked to them on the phone?
i called him tuesday to tell him there were 12 bottles of wine in my office.
10) Are you related to this person?
he's my brotha from anotha motha
13) Are you their b/f or g/f?
no, just my BFF
14) Do you have nicknames for each other?
i pretty much just call joe joe.
and he calls me nic.
15) Do you have pics of this person on your myspace?
all over the place.
16) How many times do you talk to this person in a week?
we probably talk every single day even if it is via myspace messages
17) Do you think the person will repost this?
it's possible
18) Could u live with this person?
i pretty much was the unofficial roomie at the 102 all last year.
20) Why is this person number one on your top friends?
because he's joe fucking long and he is the best mother effing person/friend ever. zee end.
21) Have you seen this person cry?
i actually don't think i've physically seen tears. no.
22) Do you know this person's middle name?
HARRY!! woooooot. LOVE YOU.
____________________________________________________

22 Questions about the one and only Nicole Fucking Cononie
1) What's their name?
Nicole
2) Do you trust them?
i dont trust many people, but her i trust with everything
3) How did you meet them?
first time i remember seeing her was at her halloween party, she came in wearing her trucker outfit and telling everyone the rules to some drinking game, i thought she was pretty hot, and i was kinda scared of her, so i talked to her quiet friend instead

first time i remember us hanging out was downtown then on the cat bus

4) How old were you when you first met?
like a week away from 21
5) Is this person one of your best friends?
she IS my BEST friend, we've been through alot of severe good and bad times in life and i know shes always there for me
6) Say something that only makes sense to you and them?
Valasa Raptors!
2x4 and some pantyhoes
Do the pirate dance
Free glowsticks in the front
the gesture you make like fanning your mouth cause its hot, but in a really gay way
the bathtub just kicked my ass
smells like january and valtrex
damn the bathroom is locked, wait this trashcan will work
yay im a lama again
can we get a pitcher of christmas
is it like this or is it like this, or is it like this...
pewpty pants'
'great prices, by here!'
nic and joe show
bombpops!
want some limes
ewww! dont touch me
Baxter!
(not as good as your list i know, these were all off the top of my head)

7) Is this person older than you?
little younger, not enough to make a difference
8) when was the last time you saw this person?
too fucking long ago, but the countdown is on for shenanigans
9) when was the last time you talked to them on the phone?
tuesday, i got a call concerning wine, go figure
10) Are you related to this person?
no but i consider her one of my sisters
13) Are you their b/f or g/f?
BFF oh yeah
14) Do you have nicknames for each other?
went from niconie to nikky to nic, thats what its been for years now
15) Do you have pics of this person on your myspace?
shes pretty much in everyone
16) How many times do you talk to this person in a week?
at least once a day either by myspace or phone, sometimes telepathy
17) Do you think the person will repost this?
im reposting hers
18) Could u live with this person?
we pretty much did for over a year, made a deal that if either of us get really rich we'll all get a house together
20) Why is this person number one on your top friends?
for all the reasons listed up to now, shes awesome, ridiculously fun and crazy, i can trust her with anything, sweet as hell, my drinking buddy, pretty hot, always there, and the kind of friend you only find once in a while
21) Have you seen this person cry?
ive got a few mascare stains on my shirts before, but only when something really bad happens
22) Do you know this person's middle name?
i believe it is Christene (i dont think thats spelled right) but we replaced it with an F-bomb a while back

Okay today started off super shitty -- I had to go to the car dealership for the second time now because not even 48 hours after the last time it was in there, the check engine light came back on... which means I paid them $172 to do nothing. awesome. I also let them know how awesome I thought they were... whatever... so I get to to the office and immediately notice that there is this massive ass package on my desk. and its really heavy. I was like "whatever" and didn't even bother to open it because I figured it had nothing to do with me anyway. Well, about 30 minutes went by, and I was just like, "oh fuck it" so i got a pen and tore the tape off. the inside was packaged really weird -- it had like 12 circular/tube styrofoam pieces in it. I was like "wtf." so then i manage to wiggle one apart... low and behold...
there are 12 bottles of WINE in this glorious box! whaaat?! I immediately considered not telling the rest of my co-workers and taking the entire box home with me. Instead I told them that they have presents here and they have to come pick them up if they want them... I'll give them a week. then those bitches are mine! all mine! muhahaha!