last night was the long-awaited, first annual white trash bash at the home of our dearly beloved, catherine. everyone was required to look as white trash as possible, drink from a keg of busch light, brown bag their mad dog 20/20 or pbr tall boy, and swig boone's farm. i mean damn, y'all we partied like we were some kinda rockstars. candle, opie, dave, michael and myself roll up in our camo, tacky ass nascar shirts and hideous eye shadow, only to find that catherine has left her own party because when she bought the keg, she forgot to buy the tap. oops. yes, this was an indication of how the night was going to progress.
as soon as catherine arrived, we did some jello shots to honor her presence and talked as redneck as we damn well knew how. shoot. there was beef jerky, twinkies on toothpicks, swiss rolls on toothpicks, treet (which is imitation spam for those of us who were unfamiliar with the substance) tatertots and squirt cheese (as i call it. not easy cheese) all at our disposal. putting easy cheese on the beef jerky became the thing to do once opie introduced the idea to the party.
we started taking pictures like we were never going to see each other again and wanted to be sure to remember what each other looked like... at one point i gave my camera to the man with the neon racecar shirt and pornstache and we all struck a ridiculous pose as we waited for the flash. bubba's friend bobby stuck his finger in the way of the camera and without any hesitation, i scream "get your finger out of there!" this shocked some people who were unaware of the current situation.... and this also cracked jayson up beyond all reason. like really, i'm not sure if i ever saw him double over and laugh that hard before. which, in turn, caused everyone else to crack the fuck up. we continued taking terrible pictures, no surprise.
catherine disclosed to me today that she has this "deal" where when she throws a party, she feels completely compelled to do a shot with everyone at the party; and about 6 shots with the special ones. um. not good. there were many times, because of catherine's "deal" that she decided she needed a time out and in the middle of our conversation, she chose to sit down on the floor, mid sentence. i would always just squat down with her like it was normal and ask "you okay?" and then continue on with our mindless conversation. which usually consisted of a lot of "i love yous" and "you are my favorite" and "want another shot" and "i love you more." we're sappy drunks, what can i say. during our floor conversations, there were times when we had to avoid the random redneck dog. catherine walked in and was like "dude, i don't even know whose dog that is." but he was welcome because he dressed for the occassion in his gamecocks tshirt and rebel flag bandana. we never figured out who brought the dog. he was sweet though, so we let him hang out.
oh yeah, and if you looked at the pictures, i'm sorry, but there are a few that i simply cannot explain. one that i can explain however, is the one of candle looking completely shocked and catherine behind her with her hand on candle's ass. literally. catherine managed to put her hand on candle's bare ass and it completely caught candle off guard and caused a ton of drunk laughter. i'd venture to say they were booty dancing, but there's no guarantee. they could have just been having a random "i love you" conversation when boom. hand on the ass. no explanation. also, to further explain the magnitude of our drunkness, catherine woke up today with a phone, but no phone battery. seriously, how the fuck can a person only lose the battery? too funny.
dave partook in the shots that everyone kept doing. i chose to do shots of boone's farm instead of vodka. wussy. but the first time they were all going to do a vodka shot, dave is like "catherine! i have to do this over the sink because i really don't know what is going to happen!" no pukey. success. though the sink did become the place of choice to take shots. lushes. after dave's shotfest, he decided to become an even more awesomely bad redneck by bringing back the "double hat" look. you know, one bill forward, one bill backward. and he seriously thought he was a genius for this. in every picture for a good 10 minute photo shoot, dave was like "i have to stand sideways so everyone can see my hats" and proceeded to tell us this everytime a picture was taken. dave then decided we needed to dance. in the middle of the kitchen. in front of the entire party. but see, dave and i have a special dance that we learned one afternoon while watching "a river runs through it" when brad pit was dancing with this girl in a bar. allow me to elaborate: dave and i smash our bodies together, facing one another. we wrap our arms completely around each other and say "go." at this point we begin to violently swivel our hips in a clockwise circle simultaneously while leaving our feet firmly planted in one spot. we do this repeatedly until we laugh so hard that we start to sweat and get overheated and have to get off of each other before we pass out. we're seriously doing this dance at our wedding. no question.
i now cannot recall what happened in what order for the rest of the night because i had drank about 5 solo cups of busch light and did more shots and swigs than i could count. and i had drank about 5 or 6 beers before we ever got the the trash bash. woo. it was mostly wandering around the kitchen, eating twinkies and slim jims and sitting down randomly with catherine for "breaks." the only thing missing from this party was joe long. i said that too. and i meant it. move now, please? to show just how wasted we all were, we left the party at like 12:45. we're so old and drunk these days. we came home and ate the shit out of cheesesticks and cheese sandwhiches. it's frightening just how well we all pull off the white trashness. i'm ready for round two when you crazy bitches are. yeefuckinghaw.
