The Napkin Diaries

i'm really starting to become obsessive with myspace. okay no, that's a lie. i'm really starting to realize how obsessive i've been for so long... so i was periodically checking to see if i (cross your fingers) had any new messages. and i did. yes! so i look to see what i have and it's from joe and it says "important" as the subject. i start thinking "oh no, something bad... like he knocked out a tooth... fell out a window... took a pledge of sobriety... there was no more karaoke with ed miller." you know, tragedies. so, i open the message only to find this as the contents:

my hips don't lie.

and that was all. i should have known it would be important. just not urgent. and sometimes i confuse the two. so yes joe, you were correct, it is vital that you're hips, in fact, tell only the truth. because lying hips just don't cut it these days.

so i went to my first pawn shop the other day. i was actually scared to go in. i had no idea what to expect crazy pawn people to be like. surprisingly, they were normal...ish. see, i decided i needed to get rid of some old shit from some old boyfriend. i mean, i told him that he could have the ring back. he said i could keep it. so i pawned the bitch. thanks for the $100.
here is my philosophy on the promise ring: a promise ring is pretty much the equivalent of a dog pissing on a tree. it's like, "hey, this is my shit. i'm not gonna do anything with it. but it's mine. so there." this insight was recieved from my new friend michelle from class. pretty genius. and so true. i mean, come on, if you want to marry a girl, give her an engagement ring. a big one at that. don't give her some dinky ring that means "i might want to marry you one day. but not now. so just wait til i'm ready." um, no. so yeah, like i said, thanks for the 100 bucks.

okay, do you know how annoyed i am with frickin truckers? holy.frickin.crap. so, as you may know, i'm driving a ton this summer. and i mean, all i want to do is get from destination A to B. real simple, right? well, it would be awesome if nasty old trucker men would stop honking at me. GAH. so gay. seriously, i got beeped at 3 times on the way to charleston and 2 times on the way back. ooooh, big deal, girl driving sports car. get over it. get a life. get out of mine. why are some men so dumb? and please tell me how many times any man has gotten any woman by doing any of the following: honking, shouting, whistling, gawking, grabbing, harassing, or dropping raunchy pickup lines? come.on.
and while we're talking about it. well, actually we aren't. but why the hell can people not drive? i mean, if i see a car coming up behind me doing 83 mph, i move over. difficult, i know. instead, when i prefer to do 83 mph, trucks and other stupid vehicles such as the mini van and ugly scion box things prefer to get in my way. i mean ludacris made a song about this people. it's called "move, bitch, get out th' way." jesus. stupid truckers. stupid drivers. damnit, i need a drink.

saturday night, dave and i decided to introduce candle and opie to the purple tree ultra lounge. for those of you who don't know or have never experienced the purple tree, it's pretty much the coolest bar in charleston. you can sit in a booth and stare at all the idiots on the dance floor, go be an idiot on the dance floor, or be a combination of the two.
people tend to get exceptionally wasted in this bar for some reason. perhaps because they have bartenders such as the one we had who only charged us $18 for 3 liquor drinks, 2 jager bombs, 4 sex on the beach shots, 3 shots of some liquor i like to call death, 2 beers and some other date rape type shot. thank you drunk bartender.
well, apparently drunk bartender gave drunk customer too many drunk drinks because the a-holes in the booth next to us let their stupid drunk friend puke pretty much all over the place. i mean this girl was a trashcan. so we tell a bouncer because really, who wants to smell that? so yeah, dave rounds up a bouncer and the girls at the booth get all pissy. so dave sits back down with us and flicks them off for a good 4 minutes. all the while, i am just laughing and encouraging him. candle however, took a smarter approach to the situation... and entered into fight-mode. she's all like, "shit, we might be fightin' in a minute" so in one swift motion, candle pulls her hair back, takes out her earrings and bucks up. i follow her lead, although not nearly as gracefully, and yank out my earrings and fumble around for a hair tie. of course i forgot one and immediately panic. candle had back-up though. apparently, she comes prepared for girl fights... just incase.
the bitches and hoes eventully left the bar. dave removed his middle finger from the air once they were gone and candle and i put our earrings back in once the coast was clear. ha. we almost got into a girl bar fight. oh and dave and i accidentally got smashed. ha. i love charleston and all its ridiculousness.

yay, i got to see what's left of the clemson gang last night. i haven't seen erin and joe since i moved over a month ago - sad, man. it was so weird being back in clemson. i definitely felt like i had "outgrown" it -- that, or i am just excited and happy to be in charleston, so i don't necessarily miss "clemson." i do, however, miss me some erin and joe like whoa.
we are all such light weights now. it's laughable. joe and i were drunk off the fabulous champagne spritzers i introduced you people to a few blogs ago by 6:00...in the afternoon. lord.
we got to run into 40 Friend Zach and Mills and Snider, and that always equals a good time. Zach chose to bite instead of hug, however, so the side of my face and my shoulder blade are slightly bruised... damnit, Zach.
of course, we had to make the signature waffle house trip at the end of our evening. joe was particularly hungry and opted to order two meals. my arteries hurt just thinking about the grease. eww.
so yeah, yay for having amazing friends. i hope you know how much you mean to me. and really, you know you have fabulous friendships when you can miss a whole month and be able to go back to the way things always were without ever missing a beat. i love you maniacs.