The Napkin Diaries

Today I have Senioritis.

For those of you unaware of the symptoms of Senioritis, it goes something like this:

I don’t feel like doing shit.

Senioritis didn’t really hit me too hard in high school, mostly because I was just a teenager with a hellacious schedule of cheerleading, boys, and homework. Not necessarily in that order. It was demanding, let me tell you. It wasn’t until college that my Senioritis became more prominent. My prior schedule, now had new priorities: DRINKING, boys, and homework. Totally in that order. It was demanding, let me tell you. Let me also tell you that I really really enjoyed 2/3 of my schedule. Mmmmm, college…

I started seriously utilizing my maximum number of absences allowed per class during my senior year. And I would conveniently schedule them in a row. And there was no pre-requisites for taking these days off. Usually I’d wake up and be like “Oh today is totally a Personal Day,” (i.e. I ain’t doin’ SHIT). Well, sometimes the pre-req was that I drank the day/night before or was planning to drink during said Personal Day and therefore needed ample time to recover and/or prepare.

So, I have Senioritis today. But why? You ask. Because I don’t want to do anything. I don't care that I haven't been an undergrad in 4 years. I have Senioritis today, damnit.

I want to sit in a grungy apartment with my favorite people and fart around and do nothing but stir up trouble, or play Nintendo, or wear my crab pants (they totally have little crabs on them and I wore them all the time in college. I mean, they were pajama shorts, but I still wore them to take out the trash, and to hit on boys ( this one time I was totally wearing them with a trucker hat cocked to the side at 3 in the morning when I met this guy-turned-boyfriend as he busted all up in my girls’ apartment when I was partying in Columbia). Where the hell was I going with this??)

::wanders off aimlessly::

so i went to my first pawn shop the other day. i was actually scared to go in. i had no idea what to expect crazy pawn people to be like. surprisingly, they were normal...ish. see, i decided i needed to get rid of some old shit from some old boyfriend. i mean, i told him that he could have the ring back. he said i could keep it. so i pawned the bitch. thanks for the $100.
here is my philosophy on the promise ring: a promise ring is pretty much the equivalent of a dog pissing on a tree. it's like, "hey, this is my shit. i'm not gonna do anything with it. but it's mine. so there." this insight was recieved from my new friend michelle from class. pretty genius. and so true. i mean, come on, if you want to marry a girl, give her an engagement ring. a big one at that. don't give her some dinky ring that means "i might want to marry you one day. but not now. so just wait til i'm ready." um, no. so yeah, like i said, thanks for the 100 bucks.

Okay so I just had a hillarious conversation with Joe about what NOT to do when dating... or actually what not to do in life in general. Here is what I have compiled thus far:

DO NOT....
1. Kiss like a chamilion or any given amphibian or reptile. Girls do not like it when you flick us with your tongue.
2. Cry, under any circumstances when you are naked. Maybe this is okay if you are in the shower and you fall down. This is not okay however, when you are with a girl and kinda messing around and then you start talking and then start bawling. And then go sit on her couch. Don't do that. Ever.
3. Say you are going to come see your girlfriend but then cancel because it is raining. Really, who is scared of the rain? Come on.
4. Say you would willingly kiss another guy if you are, in fact, a guy! This needs no further explanation.
5. Call someone by a nickname of any sort especially when you have not okayed it with that person. Do not shorten my name if you have not asked me if that is okay. If you are Megan and Joe you can call me Nic. The End.
6. Try to be me. That's cool if you want to date me. When you start talking like me, walking like me and in general, acting like me, you are no longer cool. I wanted a boyfriend, not a parrot.
7. Fan yourself and complain like a seven year old girl that "ugh, it's so hot" when you are in Overtime on a Saturday night. What the hell else would you expect?
8. Lie about having a girlfriend. If you have one, don't act like you don't. That's just wrong.
9. Do a strip tease, unless it for pure amusement. Guys just cannot be sexy when bouncing around and trying to take off layers of clothing. That will always be funny.
10. Tell a girl you can see her having your babies when you have not actually ever even dated her. Creepy.

While I am sure there are many more assonine things one could do while dating or while living in general, these are the few most ridiculous things that I could think of. All of which have actually happened to me. Feel free to make fun. I did.

Given the circumstances of the bullshit that has surrounded the previous 24 hours, I felt compelled to share the lyrics of a song that could not put the situation into any better perspective. Wait did I say 24 hours? I meant year...it all just came to a nice ugly ass head in the past day. The song is called You Thought Wrong by Kelly Clarkson and Tamyra Gray, and it's about this jackass who attempted to play both girls. Luckily for the girls however, they were smarter than the boy and exposed him for the lying, manipulative son of a bitch he is. Enjoy.

-Tamyra-
I see how you're tryin to
Weasel your way in boy
Know how you maneuver
With all your confusion

-Kelly-
You tell me that I'm your only,
And how bad that you want me
Then why are you so shady,
If I'm supposed to be your lady?

-Tamyra-
Why should I believe
Anything you say?
And how could you shame me that way?

-Kelly-
Tell me where,
Where'd you get the nerve
To even think that you,
You could play me boy?

-Both-
You thought that we didn't know
You thought we were in the dark
But boy you've done us wrong
Cuz we both know now
You thought you had us both
At your beck 'n call
But now who's the joke?
And look who's laughin' now

-Kelly-
Now you're tryin to use us,

-Tamyra-
Against one another but it won't work

-Kelly-
I see right through your game boy

-Tamyra-
And I know exactly what I'm in for

-Kelly-
You, you try to deny all your actions

-Tamyra-
For once in your life be a real man

-Kelly-
At least give me the proper respect of

-Tamayra-
The truth

-Both-
When I already know you did it

-Kelly-
Why should I believe
Anything you say?
And how could you shame me that way?

-Tamyra-
Tell me where
Where'd you get the nerve
To even think that you
You could play me boy

-Both-
You thought we didn't know
You thought we were in the dark
But boy your cover's blown
Cuz we both know now
You that you had us both
At you beck 'n call
But now who's the joke?
And look who's laughin' now
I see what you do baby
Tryin' to tell me you want me
Can't you just get it through your,
Get it through your thick head?
Cuz I've seen this game before
And I'm showin' you the door so
Shut your mouth
I'm not tryin to hear your lies
No not again

-Tamyra-
no, no not again...

-Kelly-
Sorry you couldn't be a better man
Oh...
No no no

-Both-
No, no, no, no, NO
You thought we didn't know
You thought we were in the dark
But boy you've done us wrong
Cuz we both know now
You thought you had us both
At your beck 'n call
But now who's the joke?
And look who's laughin' now

-Kelly-
Guess you thought wrong

-Tamyra-
Look who's laughin' now

So exactly how is it my fault if my ex boyfriend still calls me, texts me, looks at my pictures and reads my blog? really. I'd like to know how I control any of this. See, funny thing is, I'm the bad guy in the situation because he still talks to me. Sorry if I remain friends with someone after we had a relationship. And sorry if your ass can't deal with it. I'm not the one lying to you or hiding things from you, missy, so get your facts straight before you threaten to "post my blog" on your little webpage. Which actually, would be fine with me if you did, because I don't really know how that makes me look bad, you know? If you really have that much of a problem with me, then why don't you just talk to me? I'm actually not that scary. And the truth is, your "boyfriend" has been claiming to be single for a good many months now. So I'm sorry that you are being lied to. He did the same shit to me and Catherine. And amazingly, neither of us are actually psycho. Don't worry, he'll tell the next girl you are just as insane... so you might want to reconsider just who it is you are so angry with.

And please don't worry - I would never go back to him. And I have never intentionally tried to fuck you over -- I actually didn't know you were even still seeing him, based on what he'd told me. And I also can't control the fact that he is the one calling me 3 times a day instead of spending time with you. I mean, he's a cool guy and we had fun, but I've moved on and I have an amazing man in my life, now. So good luck. And really, if you need to talk to me, just talk.

Okay, so my phone rang today around 1:00, and it was Adam. He was like, "so can I ask you something?" Of course I said yes and he responded with, "well I was wondering if you would want an autographed CD from Ryan Cabrera." YES! Ohmygah, see, I love Ryan Cabrera. He is quite possibly my favorite artist. And I would marry him pretty much. Now I am sure you are wondering how Adam was planning on going about getting this CD for me -- he works for the biggest radio station in Columbia, 104.7 WNOK, and they sent him to pick up Ryan from the airport so he could do a private show later tonight. I was completely bouncing off the walls. Way exciting. Stuff like this doesn't happen. So then around 4:00, Adam called again and I got to hear Ryan singing in the background, which again was completely awesome. And then around 6:00 Adam called again. So I answered the phone by just saying, "heeey," and the voice on the other end said, "Hey Nicole." I was like "This isn't Adam..." The voice was like, "yeah it is.... nah, this is Ryan." This was the part where I secretly screamed on the inside and pretended to be cool on the outside. I was like, "Wow, hey Ryan, what's up?!" He told me that they were hanging out having a good time and then he was like, "well where are you?" I was like, "Well, I'm in Clemson." He was like, "Man, too bad you can't come hang with us." I am actually still considering getting in the car... I told him that Adam definitely knows how to have a good time, so he is in good hands. And he was like, "awesome, it was cool to talk to you, Nicole." So I hung up the phone and screamed. Holy crap!! RYAN CABRERA called me!! Yaaaaaay!! And major props to Adam for thinking of me and getting Ryan to call! Wow. Way wow.

As I've mentioned, I started graduate school this semester. Yesterday I had a class with Dr. Neil, and he shared a little background about his family. He told us how his parents divorced when he was 6 years old, and how he didn't understand divorce because he thought marriage was forever. He used this quote:

Who knew I'd quote those crazy Black Eyed Peas?? So yeah, I said I wasn't going to write a blog today because I didn't want to be mean. I'm not going to be mean. I'm going to be real. And I know what is weighing on my mind: I want to give my heart to someone. I have before and it was such a wonderful experience. Of couse it hurts to break up, but I think it is foolish to not try just because you are scared of being hurt. Because in a sense, you are hurting yourself by not trying. What pisses me off, is that I am so willing to love someone - I want to -- I am currently seeking that out. Not that I am like on some crazy man hunt, but I am not afraid to have feelings for someone. And it's awesome when I can find someone who actually has feelings back. I know you all can understand that.
Everything surrounding love is fun -- the chase, the butterflies, the giddiness, the rush you get when you kiss someone and all you can think about is how you want to kiss him again. Everything surrounding love is also scary as hell. We fear the unknown. Love is the most unknown thing I believe we experience. It is the one aspect of our lives we really cannot control. There isn't a standard for relationships - they are all different, and we are these creatures that want to make sense of everything and have an explanation on hand for everything that happens. We can't do that with love. So we back out. We don't try. We push people alway when we realize we might fall. It makes me throw my hands up and just shake people sometimes and just ask, "Why?!" If you like me, try me. Sure we both might get the shit beat out of us emotionally, but do you know what the flipside of that is? It's amazing. And you know it. So don't worry constantly that you might get hurt or you might hurt me because if there is one thing I know, it's that I am just as scared of it all, I am just as much of a perfectionist, but damnit I will try when it feels right. And this time it really did/does/is.
:Insert forehead smack here:
Obviously... I mean I don't freak out like this over every guy that I might have a crush on. So once in a while I actually have to listen to myself.
Okay, there is one serious blessing/curse I have: my eyes. I cannot hide how I feel, whether it is happiness or anger. I can say I'm fine and you will know I am lying by looking into my eyes for just a few seconds. I also know that I can't hind when I have feelings for someone. But just because my eyes can show how I feel, doesn't mean I can come up with the words to explain the feelings.
God, I am going to pull my hair out. I seriously had to just get up and get a beer so I can calm the fuck down... but while I am upset, I'm not mad like at you... I'm just mad at you. Because that makes sense....
If there is one thing I have learned though, it's that you can't get mad at people for being honest - because hey, at least they were honest. I would just prefer if the honesty didn't come out in the form of you telling me that you in fact like another girl besides me and you tell me this while I am laying beside you. Yeah, that will make even the strongest person feel like a dumbass.
And like, I undestand that we are human. We fuck up. A lot. Where I seem to give myself a headache is when I try to figure out when to keep going or when to give up. Because right now, I don't want to give up. But I don't know if that's right - and that's what is hard. So it appears that I am the psychologist who now needs a psychologist. This is why I want to help other people -- it's easier for me to get involved in helping others than it is for me to try to figure myself out. Because I never know if I am doing the right thing. And again, I know that you can identify with that because I know that you too don't know what the hell you are doing. Which is why I think we should not know what the hell we are doing together. Like, let's be confused together - let's figure it out together. Let's fuck up together.
I just have a hard time hearing that someone likes me and wants to start something with me and then the next night hear that he likes another girl too and isn't quite sure of what he wants. I think that is a valid complaint. Wouldn't you agree? So I guess, I just ran myself in a circle (hmm, sound familiar - 10 page paper about why people have feelings), but maybe now my stance is a little more clear. I do still want to smack you in the forehead though.

I have some rants in the pants again... let's say, hypothetically, i dated this guy and now he is dating this new girl. let's also pretend she is a stalker bitch. lucky for me, i also know how to use stalker tatics to find information i need to know that i am in fact being watched. see, i'm smart... and yes i do know that you are getting your cute little friends to check up on my pictures and my blog entries... probably trying to confirm if her wonderful hypothetical boyfriend is cheating on her. i don't think he is technically. i mean i sure as hell am not seeing him. but i really wish she would stop getting her friends to check on what i'm doing. and then block me because they of course don't want me to see their little AIM profiles. yes, i know my life rocks and i write a better blog... but come on. let's grow up here. all you're going to do is make yourself paranoid. so congratulations, sweetheart.
oh i love how much of a bitch i can be. hope you enjoyed it.

yeah hi, i love blog. i'm gonna go ahead and make a disclaimer - i hate capitatization so i'm opting not to use it. i hope you don't mind too terribly. last night i stared at blogger so long that i gave myself a headache. do any of you remember from freshmen year when i had to make a webpage? holyshit i stared at the computer for 8 hours straight. i almost threw up afterward, but i had a damn hot webpage. oh yes, be jealous. well not really. basically i can be way obbsessed with internet gadgets. especially when i get to write all my thoughts down. it keeps me sane - or maybe insane. entertained nonetheless. and me likey.

i would like to also take this opportunity to thank catherine for the inspiration. she was the reason i began the old diary and now also the new diary. thanks girl. and for those of you who don't know the story -- catherine and i both dated that too-hot-to-handle mr. adam ruonala. then we realized that the other one was exceptionally cool and we have now become good friends. ex-boyfriends don't like it when ex-girlfriends make nice, but it happened and i wouldn't have it any other way. yay for catherine.