The Napkin Diaries

Okay so everyone remembers the adorable monokini right?

Well it was definitely a hit. However, it could also be classified as a hell of a miss too. Let me explain.

Okay, so those who know me [and/or have read that little blurb over on the right-hand side about me] know that I'm kinda retardedly obsessed with tanning. Don't judge. Some people have cigarettes, some are sex addicts and me? Well, I'm tanorexic. It could be worse. Deal with it. I keep telling myself that "when I grow up" I will "grow out of it." Well, I'm 26 and cannot see any forthcoming developments in the "growing the hell up" category. Meh.

I had been warned by Husband that Mexican sun is not the same as Charleston sun, so my SPF 4 was going to need to be upgraded to SPF 30. Humph. Fiiiiine. So I bought SPF 30 and 45. And I wore them on the first couple of days.

And then I noticed that my skin was not yet rivaling the Mexicans. And this was a severe problem.

Time for Nic's Plan B: NO SPF. So, for the first 4 hours one day, I opted for no SPF. I was in a regular bikini, so I had regular tan lines and very burnt forearms, but other than that, I was bronzed! Yesss, my plan was working! I put on some SPF after the hour 4 mark since my arms were crispy.

The next day, I decided to go the No sunscreen route again. And this time in the monokini. Okay, why I didn't see this coming is beyond me and I totally blame all those Miami Vice nom nom drinks for skewing my better judgement [if I even possess "better" judgement]. So, I laid by the pool alllll day. Sippin on my M-Vices and getting some serious tan skin. Yeah, tan skin on all the places that the monokini did not cover.You see where I'm going with this, don't you?

When I returned to our swanky ass room, I peeled of my pears and to my dismay, had perfect monokini tanlines.

Moron.

Husband shouts through his hysterical laughter: You have racing stripes! You're Ricky Bobby! I'm calling you Ricky Bobby for the rest of the trip! Bahahahaha *pointing & laughing. Riiiiicky Booooobby!

So, I went with it and conjured up a dialect of Ricky Bobby-isms and blurted such things as:

I like speed

I like to go fast

Dear sweet baby Jesus in yer little ghost manger

Don't you stick that knife in yer leg, Ricky Bobby

And my favorite - Don't you put that evil on me, Ricky Bobby!

What's a bit ironic is that earlier in the week, Husband and I [for whatever dumbass reason] were quoting Ricky Bobby - we were bumbling around the resort talking like rednecks proclaiming that one or the other better not put that evil on one or the other. Strange [referring to the irony... and possibly just ourselves also].

And there you have it; Mexico the Mini Series as told by Nic. Err, I mean Ricky Bobby [because I so totally still have those asinine stripes].

My fabulous friend, Amanda, took it upon herself to create a South Park character for me. And it's pretty much perfect - it's this cute brunette with a big smile, outside on a sunny day just enjoying her little girly life... and then you look closer and there's a giant beer in her hand (most likely a Magic Hat #9) and the words "what it is" across her little girly outfit.

Yep, Nicole, to a T... or an N.