The Napkin Diaries

Given the circumstances of the bullshit that has surrounded the previous 24 hours, I felt compelled to share the lyrics of a song that could not put the situation into any better perspective. Wait did I say 24 hours? I meant year...it all just came to a nice ugly ass head in the past day. The song is called You Thought Wrong by Kelly Clarkson and Tamyra Gray, and it's about this jackass who attempted to play both girls. Luckily for the girls however, they were smarter than the boy and exposed him for the lying, manipulative son of a bitch he is. Enjoy.

-Tamyra-
I see how you're tryin to
Weasel your way in boy
Know how you maneuver
With all your confusion

-Kelly-
You tell me that I'm your only,
And how bad that you want me
Then why are you so shady,
If I'm supposed to be your lady?

-Tamyra-
Why should I believe
Anything you say?
And how could you shame me that way?

-Kelly-
Tell me where,
Where'd you get the nerve
To even think that you,
You could play me boy?

-Both-
You thought that we didn't know
You thought we were in the dark
But boy you've done us wrong
Cuz we both know now
You thought you had us both
At your beck 'n call
But now who's the joke?
And look who's laughin' now

-Kelly-
Now you're tryin to use us,

-Tamyra-
Against one another but it won't work

-Kelly-
I see right through your game boy

-Tamyra-
And I know exactly what I'm in for

-Kelly-
You, you try to deny all your actions

-Tamyra-
For once in your life be a real man

-Kelly-
At least give me the proper respect of

-Tamayra-
The truth

-Both-
When I already know you did it

-Kelly-
Why should I believe
Anything you say?
And how could you shame me that way?

-Tamyra-
Tell me where
Where'd you get the nerve
To even think that you
You could play me boy

-Both-
You thought we didn't know
You thought we were in the dark
But boy your cover's blown
Cuz we both know now
You that you had us both
At you beck 'n call
But now who's the joke?
And look who's laughin' now
I see what you do baby
Tryin' to tell me you want me
Can't you just get it through your,
Get it through your thick head?
Cuz I've seen this game before
And I'm showin' you the door so
Shut your mouth
I'm not tryin to hear your lies
No not again

-Tamyra-
no, no not again...

-Kelly-
Sorry you couldn't be a better man
Oh...
No no no

-Both-
No, no, no, no, NO
You thought we didn't know
You thought we were in the dark
But boy you've done us wrong
Cuz we both know now
You thought you had us both
At your beck 'n call
But now who's the joke?
And look who's laughin' now

-Kelly-
Guess you thought wrong

-Tamyra-
Look who's laughin' now

So exactly how is it my fault if my ex boyfriend still calls me, texts me, looks at my pictures and reads my blog? really. I'd like to know how I control any of this. See, funny thing is, I'm the bad guy in the situation because he still talks to me. Sorry if I remain friends with someone after we had a relationship. And sorry if your ass can't deal with it. I'm not the one lying to you or hiding things from you, missy, so get your facts straight before you threaten to "post my blog" on your little webpage. Which actually, would be fine with me if you did, because I don't really know how that makes me look bad, you know? If you really have that much of a problem with me, then why don't you just talk to me? I'm actually not that scary. And the truth is, your "boyfriend" has been claiming to be single for a good many months now. So I'm sorry that you are being lied to. He did the same shit to me and Catherine. And amazingly, neither of us are actually psycho. Don't worry, he'll tell the next girl you are just as insane... so you might want to reconsider just who it is you are so angry with.

And please don't worry - I would never go back to him. And I have never intentionally tried to fuck you over -- I actually didn't know you were even still seeing him, based on what he'd told me. And I also can't control the fact that he is the one calling me 3 times a day instead of spending time with you. I mean, he's a cool guy and we had fun, but I've moved on and I have an amazing man in my life, now. So good luck. And really, if you need to talk to me, just talk.

Okay, so my phone rang today around 1:00, and it was Adam. He was like, "so can I ask you something?" Of course I said yes and he responded with, "well I was wondering if you would want an autographed CD from Ryan Cabrera." YES! Ohmygah, see, I love Ryan Cabrera. He is quite possibly my favorite artist. And I would marry him pretty much. Now I am sure you are wondering how Adam was planning on going about getting this CD for me -- he works for the biggest radio station in Columbia, 104.7 WNOK, and they sent him to pick up Ryan from the airport so he could do a private show later tonight. I was completely bouncing off the walls. Way exciting. Stuff like this doesn't happen. So then around 4:00, Adam called again and I got to hear Ryan singing in the background, which again was completely awesome. And then around 6:00 Adam called again. So I answered the phone by just saying, "heeey," and the voice on the other end said, "Hey Nicole." I was like "This isn't Adam..." The voice was like, "yeah it is.... nah, this is Ryan." This was the part where I secretly screamed on the inside and pretended to be cool on the outside. I was like, "Wow, hey Ryan, what's up?!" He told me that they were hanging out having a good time and then he was like, "well where are you?" I was like, "Well, I'm in Clemson." He was like, "Man, too bad you can't come hang with us." I am actually still considering getting in the car... I told him that Adam definitely knows how to have a good time, so he is in good hands. And he was like, "awesome, it was cool to talk to you, Nicole." So I hung up the phone and screamed. Holy crap!! RYAN CABRERA called me!! Yaaaaaay!! And major props to Adam for thinking of me and getting Ryan to call! Wow. Way wow.

Saturday was the first game of the season for us crazy Tigers and maaaan was it nuts at the Esso. The entire staff had to be there at 7:00 am. For those of you that don't know, it is still dark outside then. Gross. So Lindsey picked up me, Candle, Jenny and Kate at like 6 motherfreakin 30. We were all delirious and in serious need of food. So we were all screaming for Hardee's and Lindsey had no choice but to take our asses there. We ordered food by the masses along with "two strong coffees." Kate was in the back seat exaggerating the strongness that was needed in these strong coffees in order for her to actually live through the day. We ate so furiously that there were biscuit remnants strewn about the car -- that I am certain Lindsey will continue to find for a good 3 weeks. We happened to be sitting at a redlight when this crazy car pulls up beside us and starts blowing the horn like a maniac and making a scene. We all turned to look, and it is Candice, our manager, flipping us two birds while sticking her tongue out, shaking her head and screaming. There's one way to go about waking up.
So we are there at 7:00 am. Uuuggghh. It physically hurt to be awake. I chose to pop caffeine pills, eat a donut and drink Mr. Pibb all while doing my dork dance. You know, the one where I kinda crouch down, make fists, and then swivel my hips in a clockwise manner. Yeah, that one. This black dude was watching me and he was like, "Something's missing. You need some twirk." I was like, "Oh don't worry honey, I got twirk." and I walked away. When I came back, he was like, "Damn right you got twirk." Apparently my homemade Walmart cutoff khakis did the trick. Yes, you read that correctly. I owned no real shorts to my name Friday night, so spur of the moment and a lack of options drove me to go to Walmart and find some pants and act like I was in the 90s and create my own shorts. Hey, whatever, they qualified me for twirkness, so that's fine by me.
I went outside to help set up tables when I was unfortunately greeted by a nasty bee. And the asshole stung me! Bastard. And on top of that, he stung me in my armpit! How do you even do that? I screamed and ran inside. Candice was like, damnit, if you can't breathe, you find me! Luckily I had no breathing problems... well at least they weren't caused by the bee - drunk men were a different story.
We had this temporary tattoo tent set up in the parking lot and the dude told us that he would give all the Esso Girls one for free if we put it somewhere visible on ourselves. Most of the girls got tiger paws or cute things... I opted for a different route. You know how big 18 wheelers have those mud flaps on the tires? And they usually have that girl on them? Well yeah, I got the mud flap girl branded on to my left shoulder blade in an obnoxious blue color. Can we say tacky? That thing sure did get me some attention throughout the day. Here are a few comments received from various drunk men in regards to the mud flap girl:
1. Damnit! I knew I should have put that ring in my pocket when I left my house today because I would ask you to marry me right now.
2. Ohmygod, I wish my wife would do that.
3. I love you.
The list went on, but I chose to stop listening to the drunken fools. Little miss mud flap helped me rack up some good tips though, so I can't really complain.
Early afternoon sometime I ended with a table of 6 or 7 Texas guys who were really cool. And they thought it was exceptionally cool that I was from Texas, so we bonded. Well, the boys ran up a $200 tab and then decided that they also wanted to get a gigantic order of mini bottles -- $280 worth, to be exact. 36 bottles of Absolute and 20 bottles of Jim Beam. I had to carry it in a grocery bag and guard it with my life as I pushed my way through the drunken masses of tailgaters. The bar eventually got so crowded that I couldn't physically force myself through the clusters of people inside. I actually had to go outside and weave through people out there and come in the other door to make it to my tables in the back. Madness. I did get really good at yelling "'scuse me!" and you better believe that people get out of your way when you have 3 drinks in your hands, 2 beers in your pockets and an Esso tank top on. I felt kinda powerful. And of couse the drunk guys would be like, "of course we'll move babydoll, anything for you darlin." Hey whatever, at least they weren't cussing me out. Though I did have to argue with two dicks that day. But two in 19 hours isn't too terrible. One guy was like "I need two gin and cokes." I repeated it back to him to make sure I heard him correctly (because keep in mind you shouldn't mix those two together) and when I came back he was like "what the fuck is this? I ordered gin and juice" I was like, "nope, I repeated it back to you that you said gin and coke so that is what you got. You can order another one if you want." He did. Moron. Then this other doof was like "l told one of the girls to get me a bucket and she didn't" so I told him I would but he had to give me a few minutes because I had other orders. Well, he ends up stopping me and yelling at me that he could have gone to the bar already and gotten his bucket. I was like, "well then go to the bar! Otherwise give me about 10 minutes because we are really really busy..." he shut up and I got his stupid bucket of beer to him and then he gave me nice tips after giving me hell.
We had a 20 foot screen in our parking lot with the game on -- I managed to not see a single play of the entire thing, but damn, I knew when something good or bad was happening because the Esso went absolutely insane. And holy crap, when that interruption happened with 3 minutes left in the game, I was afraid a riot was going to break out. I have never heard strands of cuss words that long or that vulgar in my life. And I thought I had a foul mouth... Goood gah, don't mess with those football fans. They'll kill someone. Speaking of that, Candle about knocked out this one moron. He called her a stupid bitch for not being fast enough waiting on him and she flipped out. Like, pounded her fist on the bar, about flew over the bar, and was like "can you not see that there are 500 other motherfuckers trying to do the same thing you are?! Don't be an asshole!" Ha! And for those of you who know Candle, know that the girl can make you laugh so hard you can't breathe, which was a very nice relief after such a ridiculous day.
We got to leave around 2:00 am, and can I just tell you that I looked like a lunatic just attempting to walk normally. I managed to fuck up my neck, hurt my back and get a massive blister on one of my toes, and my feet hurt so bad that I actually had random convulsions. So basically, if you can imagine this, I was limping, holding my arms bent in front of me with my head cocked to the side, hair all frazzled, mascara to my ears and bar smeared all over my body. I kinda looked like a deranged Quazzi Motto. You know, the hunchback guy? Gah. I was a sight. It was worth it -- her is where I brag a little -- all of the other girls on the floor made about $900 in sales. I made $1715 in sales! And I am the new girl! Go me :) I was proud. Which means, I got the best tips out of the girls on the floor too. Yaaay.
So I managed to successfully live though the first game. And we won! So yay for me for living, yay for Esso for kicking ass and yay for the Tigers for winning their first game!