Showing posts with label Seeking Thrills. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Seeking Thrills. Show all posts

Mexico: I Believe I Can Fly

The next outing happened on Thursday, and it was my pick: Tulum XTreme!
*throw arms in front of chest to make "x" and snarls lip.
First on the Tulum Adventure: well... Tulum, of course! It's basically a mini version of Chichen Itza (not to be confused with Chicken Pizza. Or so says the travel guides from the day before).

Ooooh pretty. I learned my lesson and opted for a sleeveless, airy top and the same teeny navy shorts. Tulum has a lot more trees and a much better breeze since it sits on the water. Right before I turned into a Pissy Pants, it was time to get back in the van and head into the Mexican Jungle.

Remind me again why I think I'm such a hard ass??

So, Cricket our instructor, showed us how to zip line properly. It consists of a lot of straps, a harness, some ultra-durable man gloves, a lopsided helmet, and a few more straps... oh and it helps if you have some courage too. And then we began our small trek to the first tower. The first 55 foot-tall wooden, rickety ass tower in the middle of the Mexican Jungle. WTF am I doing?! So, we climb. And climb. And eventually get 55 feet off the damn ground. When we got to the top of the tower, Cricket gave us a "psychological safety harness" and that is exactly what he called it. It was a stupid strap hanging from the top of the tower, which when you think about it, won't do you a damn bit of good if say, the tower plummets to the hard, jungl-y ground below.

At first it's kinda like "oh this isn't so bad, I can see the ground... oh wait... no, no, those are tree tops. Shit."

There was 8 of us in the group with Cricket. I was smack in the middle of it. The chick in front of me apparently was married to some kind of Wilderness Man because he was able to hold a camera and take pictures of himself flying over the tree tops. Gina, Wilderness Man's wife, was not as wilderness-y. Cricket asked us if we had any questions before he started shoving us off the side of the tower. Gina piped up with a "yeah I have one question... is it alright if we swear?!" And with that, she was pushed from the tower and a lovely "hooooooly shiiiiiiiiiit" echoed across the Mexican tree tops.

And then it was my turn. Oh.dear.Jesus. So I squat down, lean back onto my "monkey tail" harness (damn you monkey tail, you better hold up my sissy white girl ass) and Cricket pushes me off the side of the 55 FOOT TOWER. Have I mentioned we were 55 feet in the air? In Mexico? And the only way down was a teeny little wire a few hundred feet long? That landed on another tower that you had to climb? That was even higher that the last one?!! WTF.

I squealed. A kinda screamed and chanted "keep your eyes open!!" Half way through, when I figured that if I died, it'd be quick so I might as well just enjoy myself, I decided to let go of the ropes and just hang there by my little harness around my hips and throw my arms out in the air. Awesome. Absolutely awesome. But then it was almost time to dismount. And I'm a self-proclaimed horrible, ungraceful, moronic zipline dismounter. Actually I think anyone who saw me dismount would proclaim the same. See, you have to keep your feet up so you aren't lobbed off at the shin when you come flying in. So I kept my damn feet up. Waaaay up. To the point where I'm all wobbly and unable to find my center of gravity and oh, did I mention I just flew over the Mexican Jungle and might be a little shaky?!! Well Mr. Zipline himself over there helping us dismount apparently forgot what his first time was like and so he rushed all of us to hurry up and stand up and get the hell out of the way because someone else is coming flying down the zipline with their feet all sprawled out in the air. I basically made these idiodic face-deforming snarls and bumbled around whining "I caaaaan't" when he'd tell me to stand up. Yeah I never got better at that...

So, Zipline #1 = Success! Success in my book = Living & not peeing my pants! Hooray, success!

On to Zipline #2. Which you would think would get easier, right? Ha. WRONG. This one is still 55 feet, but a few hundred feet longer. Which means you go faster, and further, which means higher chance of death or peed pants. Crap.

Well, same scenario: I squealed and told myself to keep my eyes open and then got brave and touched some tree tops and then put my feet waaaay up. And then I bumbled around, whined about how "I caaaaaaan't" stand up or be a graceful woman and Mr. Zipline just needs to deal with the fact that I'm a clumsy white girl from South Carolina that doesn't know jackshit about what she's doing or why she ever thought she should do this. Humph.

And now: the Mother Load ZipLine. This shit put the XTreme in Tulum XTreme. Clever, Nicole... Now we are at the top of a 66 foot-tall tower. In the middle of the Mexican Jungle. It's like a rollercoaster... just the Mexican version. instead of wheels and giant steel bars to strap you in, you have hip harness and tiny wires flying 800 feet across a jungle. A JUNGLE people! So yeah, this one was 66 feet tall and over 800 feet long. Scary.Ass.Shit. About halfway through my ride to the other side (no, not to Hell, just to the last tower) I was really picking up speed. Annnnd it got a little too fast for me. So I pulled my arms and legs in (which was probably dumb since it made me go faster) and started saying out loud "Too fast. Tooooooo fast!!" As if there was a set of breaks someone could tap for me. I tried to puff myself back out and spread my arms and legs, but it was too damn scary. So at the end, I just threw my feet up but I came in sooo fast that I seriously should have just done a back flip for my dismount. I absolutely could not find my center. I looked like a turtle on it's back all flailing around while internally screaming "get me out of heeeeere!" I eventually stood up, all shaky as hell, and thanked God for not having me plummet to a bloody, jungl-y death. Thanks, God!

I survived Mexican jungle ziplining! Check that off the list.

Next up: 60 foot repel. Oh, what the hell... Seriously. One thing of note: ziplining is fairly easy because someone named Cricket pushes you off the tower and you have no control; repelling, yeah, not the same - YOU have control. And you have to lower your sissy white girl ass down a 60 foot hole in earth in the middle of a Mexican jungle.

So, for those of you who have never done a repel, you basically climb up another tower, similar to those wobbly wooden ones from the zipline. And like I said, instead of a good, hardy push from Cricket, the repel process is slow and painful and scary as effing shit, man! My first instinct was to just get really low when I first got to the top of the 60 foot tower. You know, kidna similar to how I got low when the lizard incident happened? Apparently my defense mechanism of choice, is to squat down slowly and be real still. I'm sure I'd do remarkably well with a burglar or foot-chase. Riiiiight.

I got done convincing this sweet girl (early 20s-ish) that she can totally do the repel and she'll be so proud. But then it was my turn and all I wanted to do was turn around and haul ass down the stairs. But for some reason, I bumbled toward the edge instead. Cricket harnessed me in and gave me a rope to lower myself down with. You're supposed to put your dominant hand a little behind your hip and your other hand near your stomach and slowly let go with your dominant hand. I understood the theory just fine - actually getting my body to cooperate with something so wrong was another story.

I first shuffled my heels half way off the edge of the 60 foot tower of doom. Then, I had to keep my legs locked at the knee and slowly lower my ass down so that it was parallel with my feet. To quote Gina: Hooooooooly shiiiiiiit. Cricket was like "Okay, you can start to lower yourself"

"No... I can't. I actually can't. I know what to do but my hand will not physically undo the death grip it has on the rope. You do it!!"

And so he did. Apparently, they've had many an experience with sissy white girls from South Carolina and modified their system to allow for a "safety" rope. The safety rope basically just means Cricket can lower your skeered little ass down until you can do it for yourself. So he helped me for probably the first 1o feet. Then I did a little bounce. And then I started to pick up speed, against my own will. But damnit, the rope was burning my hands even through the giant man gloves, so I kinda just flew down the last 20 feet or so just to keep my hands from catching fire. Oww. I was so shaky and scared and just glad I did it. Gah, it was really scary.

Our last adventure of the day: snorkeling in a cave! There was a big ass flood light under the water, so we could see all the fishies and big ass rocks that we were encouraged to avoid slamming into. Hi, remember me? I'm a clumsy ass and of course I kicked one of the big ass jagged rocks. Oww. Luckily no blood, just a bit of a scrap and some pain. It was so pretty down there, and holy crap did it feel go to swim in 75 degree water after sweating my ass off all over the damned jungle.

I must admit, I am so completely proud of myself for doing this. And now I get to claim that I am totally XTreme.

*throw arms in front of chest to make "x" and snarls lip.



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Too Many G's!

So I just got back from Six Flags, and holy crap was that fun! Candle, Opie, Dave and I all decided to haul ass down to Georgia today to go see just how many rollercoasters we could attempt without puking or dying. I'd say we did a damn good job. The second we got there, we got on the Georgia Scorcher -- the stand up rollercoaster. Ahhh! Way fun. Like so fun, I couldn't yell or open my eyes on the first hill because of TOO MANY G'S!!
Okay, let me enlighten you -- our on-going joke of the day was "too many g's." See, we went to ride the Mind Bender and then Batman after our Scorcher experience. Well, Batman sucks your happy ass seriously to your seat. In the midst of some ridiculous corkscrew flippy loop stuff, I hear Candle screaming "too many ggggg's!" I cracked up. Like could-not-contain-myself cracked up.
So after those rollercoasters, we hiked our asses over to Acrophobia, you know, the 200 ft. plumet of death? Right. That one. Well, I wimped out and said I couldn't do it right then, and we'd have to come back when the color in my face decided to come back.
We went to ride the Goldrush rollercoaster, which basically just jolted and jiggled us around a little. Sloshed around my brain blood. But for real, I had a headache that I swear was directly from Satan himself. Then our dumbasses got on the worst mistake ever -- the Georgia Cyclone. It's the big nasty wooden diaster than beat the living shit out of me. After we went down the first hill and my head was slammed 6 times into the "headrest" I knew I had made quite the mistake. My hips were bruised from the lap bar and I was trying to simply stablize my vital organs for the remainder of this disaster. Jesus Christ, someone needs to burn that machine.
We had to have intermission at this point where food became a necessity. Hamburgers sounded like a good idea. Until it cost us $40 for 4 of them. I mean, really. Who does that? Who charges that kind of money for a frickin burger? Buttheads. Eh, at least I was alive to enjoy my $10 slab o' meat... stupid Cyclone. I hate you.
And theeeen, we opted for the Superman rollercoaster. Way fun! Minus the incredibly foul smelling harnesses we were forced to be strapped to. Gross. But that ride is definitely the bomb. All 4 of us kept our hands stretched out like we were super heroes... and 8 years old. And of couse, Candle made references to the ungodly G-force that accompanied this Superman business. Whatever. You'd do it too. And see, I would have loved to have talked during these maniac excursions, but really, it's awesome if I can even laugh or scream in the process. Talking is simply out of the question.
We rode the Ninja next. Stupid Ninja. Got the crap beat out of me again. I think it was because there was no line at all, so we got right on - and my body was still processing Superman G's and was not fully prepared to experience Ninja G's and therefore I encountered internal G turmoil... right. That.
We then wanted Dippin' Dots, that cost $8 for 2 smalls. Bitches. We were going to enjoy our Dippin' Dots while waiting to board the Monster Plantation ride. It's a little boat ride through a "haunted" mansion that consisted of overstuffed silly creatures singing Halloweeny songs. As we were walking to go stand in line with 900 4 years and under children, somehow Candle managed to throw her Dippin' Dots all over the ground, as well as herself. Nothing was in her way. She really just threw them into the air. Oh, Candle. Tragic. So we stood in line with the little shits -- there's a form of birth control, if I ever saw one. Candle thought some of the kids were so adorable... it was all Dave and I could do to keep from snarling every time one of them glanced our way. Ewww, kids. So we rode our little boat through the creepy creature house and then it was time. Time to experience the 200 ft Death Drop. Acrophobia.
So we walk over, well, they kinda had to drag me... and I requested that we watch just how horrid this experience was going to be. I shuddered everytime the thing got to the top and just held those poor people up there for countless seconds torturing them with the inability of knowing just when they will be dropped back down to Earth. Blah. And then we got in the line of doom. Dave hugged me because he could tell I was basically having a complete shit fit. And he could actually feel my heart pounding. Ahhh. So we got on. Sat down, strapped in, and entered panic mode. I really didn't know if I could do it. Dave held my hand while we were waiting for take off. We were waiting for way too long and I began to get really flustered. All of a sudden, Candle blurts out, "Yeah Toast!" followed by Opie screaming, "French Toast!" (inside joke, people). And I cracked up. Thank goodness for Candle the tension reliever. And then we were shot straight up into the sky at an absolutely sinful height. They spun us around on the way up, let us hang out and look at the entire park, and then let us dangle there. Jesus.Christ. Dave had attempted to hold my hand the entire way up, I however, decided that it was vital for me to instead clutch my harness for dear sweet life. Once at the top, Candle started freaking out saying "let me down, I don't want to do this anymore, holy shit, this is not fun, way too high, let me down." I, on the other hand, tried to block her out and just stared out as far as I could see -- which was approximately to Columbia or so, and I just held on as tight as I could. And then we plummeted at 9 million miles per hour. I squealed at first, but then the breath was taken from me so I was silent until we stopped moving. Then I screamed "OHMYGAAAAAAD!!" at the top of my lungs. Damn you Acrophobia and your 9 million mile an hour plummet of death.
Well then we all suddenly became fearless and decided to go tackle the Mind Bender and Batman again. On the way over, a crazy acorn fell out of a tree and smacked Dave. He was like, " Damnit, I just got nutted on," in this calm voice. Well I laughed my ass off all the way until we got to the next ride. That was damn funny. So yeah this Mind Bender ride doesn't have any shoulder harnesses; only a lap belt -- and you flip upside down. So you are not restrained at all, which allows for maximum arms-in-air movement. Yesss. Well, the first time we rode it, I sat on the outside... this time Dave did. And apparently there is some lunatic jerky turn twist thing that caused Dave to completely lose all control over himself, which in turn, sent him plowing into me, causing me to bend at an unnatural angle and flail about the cart. His arms forced my arms down and also his body forced my body half way over the edge. So then we both burst into laughter and couldn't sit up straight, so for a good 14 seconds I was in a near death position. You're lucky you're so cute...
Then we rode the Batman with too many G's again. Candle almost puked. I was still in stun-mode from Acrophobia, so I was unable to decide if I was puke-ish feeling at the time, too. We rode one more ride each -- Dave and I chose the Scorcher again; Opie and Candle rode the log flume and then we chose to quit with the maniac rollercoasters because it was a serious concern that we might in fact die if we went upside down one more time in one day.
We came back to Clemson but made a necesary stop at Denny's in Anderson, whereupon we consumed ridiculously large quantities of breakfast food. Ohmygah, apple pancakes have never tasted so good in my life. And they didn't cost $40 either... so that makes them even better. We had Lisa, the white trash mother of 7 who was angry at the world, as our waitress. She was amusing to say the least. And then we all came home, dilerious and happy from our wild day. And then we passed the fuck out. The End.
So thank you Dave, Candle and Opie for all the fun and all the G's. Yay for Six Flags. Love you people.

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