The Napkin Diaries

Lately I've been miserably tired... it's this vicious cycle that I've accidentally sucked myself into and can't get out of. I totally blame Christmas.

Basically, I'm all nuts about Christmas and presents and being somewhat festive (by "somewhat" I mean that while I will decorate the shit out of my house, I absolutely REFUSE to listen to Christmas music while doing so. I'd rather stick pencils in my ears...) and so I've been shopping for, buying, and wrapping presents like every single day for the past 2 weeks. All while simultaneously decorating the house, inside and out, with all kinds of Christmas-y crap.

Being the OCD nut I am, I dump out all of my Christmas present wrapping supplies all over the living room floor and do not put them away until I wrap every single gift I happened to purchase that day. And sometimes this process goes on until 1:00 AM. Because in the middle of wrapping presents, I also do things like vacuum the 900 new pine needles that have fallen to the ground because our little kitties like to think the house is a RACE TRACK that they can tear ass around and they run under the tree and knock the lower branches with their fat tails or fat heads, for that matter, and thus create a pine needle 'splosion all over my damned living room.

So I vacuum mid-wrap sometimes. Other times, I bake brownies mid-wrap, because sometimes I like to pretend I am fucking Betty Crocker. Wait. Er, not actually fucking her, but you know, being her. Although I doubt Betty Crocker listens to "Shots" by LMFAO while baking. And she probably doesn't wear giant fleece fat pants with little bunnies on them while baking. She probably doesn't say "fuck" either. And she probably doesn't generally resemble me in any way. Whatever. Sometimes I bake. Shut up.

So yeah, my "wrapping" time tends to take like 5 hours because apparently I like to multitask. Or maybe it's just that I don't know how to NOT multitask. Meh?

SO. This is causing me sleep deprivation... all this Christmas shit. I stay up, wrapping, and vacuuming, and dance partying in the kitchen until 1:00 AM. And then I wake up the next morning all pissed off that I slept for less than 9-10 hours (yes, I said 9-10 hours. I need SLEEP, people!), and then I drink a fuck ton of coffee to counterbalance the super-tiredness from all of the "wrapping" the night before. Damnit. Dahmet. Bleh.

This morning was no exception. After my escapade last night (shopping, tanning, cooking steak dinner, wrapping, picture taking, vacuuming, brownie baking, laundry-ing, kitty playing, and bubble bathing) I was especially tired.

Usually, I wait until I get to the office to crack open my new favorite coffee: Starbucks Mocha Lite (woohoo less fat and carbs and calories! Win!). Today I waited only until I got out of the shower to open it.

So I sat on my little wobbly vanity stool with squinty eyes and attempted to shove some contacts in them and start the "get pretty" process.

Well, these little coffees come in a glass bottle from Bilo, so they have a little teeny lid. So I put the little teeny lid on the counter in front of me. Almost immediately I had two too many bad kittehs in front of me as well, that are not so teeny. And these two too many bad kittehs were LICKING my little teeny coffee lid.

Who knew bad kittehs liked to nom on Starbucks?! I can only imagine the havoc they are wreaking on my freshly vacuumed living room.

Oh vicious Christmas cycle, I feel we will meet again tonight...

Here is a fantastic Christmas song that I would like to share with you. It's called "I Want a Hippopotamus for Christmas." Erin, this is mostly for you. So, here we go. And for the rest of you wonderfuls, if you ask nicely, we just might sing it for you...

I want a hippopotamus for Christmas
Only a hippopotamus will do
I don't want a doll, no dinkey tinker toys
I want a hippopotamus to play with and enjoy

I want a hippopotamus for Christmas
I don't think Santa Claus will mind, do you?
He won't have to use a dirty chimney flue
Just bring him through the front door
That's the easy thing to do

I can see me now on Christmas morning
Creeping down the stairs
Oh what joy, what surprise
When I open up my eyes
To see a hippo hero standing there

I want a hippopotamus for Christmas
Only a hippopotamus will do
No crocodiles, no rhinosauruses
I only likes hippopotamuses
And hippopotamuses like me, too!

Merry Christmas, everyone!

I love you guys!

Last night was the Esso Christmas party. Open bar. Lord. I took Joe as my fill-in date. He's a pro (thank you!) That cute boyfriend of mine was snowboarding and couldn't come get drunk with me. Booo. But I think it's safe to say that we had a good time. There was enough food to feed a small country and the alcohol that was consumed was at a sinful level.
I think I got drunk fast. The party started at 5:00. By 6:30 there was already booty dancing. Misty and Candle got that started for us -- I joined shortly after. I took a break at one point and I was just chillin out with Joe, Jabba and Wiggins. Apparently Wiggins made some comment along the lines of "Jabba is a sex offender." I heard "Jabba is a sexy panda." No idea... I was thoroughly confused and the boys found it to be extremely hillarious. I was made fun of for the rest of the night. I was also hit on for the majority of the night by Charles the owner. Interesting... Apparently he likes tall, dark haired girls with big boobs and since my boobs were kind of stealing the show, as Misty put it, I guess that made me a prime candidate to be hit on. Don't worry, Dave, I held my own... and after the shit I went through Saturday night/Sunday morning with one particular idiot, I can definitely be a monumental bitch if need be. Ha. I actually didn't really have to do much... just kinda walk away since he was so ridiculously drunk he didn't notice if I was there or not. Candice, our manager, gave us all these adorable glass ornaments that say Esso. Very cute - and thoughtful. We also did a Chinese Christmas gift exchange where you draw numbers and pick gifts and then you can steal or whatever. The gift I choose first was some shot glasses and a black and white picture of the Esso. It was stolen so I was able to choose another. It was so appropriate that I picked the gift that was a game called "What the F*ck?" How hysterical is that?! Its all these funny ass hypotheticals like "you're in prison for the rest of your life, do you want your cell mate to be (a) an angry cross-dresser or (b) an anorexic gang member." Oh I cannot wait to have another drunken board game night!
I had my fill of vanilla vodka and diet coke and ate all the dip, vegetables, and sausage balls I could stand by about 10:30. Joe and I goofed around for about another hour and then decided to head home. The party was really fun. I convinced myself that I needed a 30 minute bath when I got home. I don't know why really. I just sat there and talked to the cats. Whatever. And I didn't feel too much like tootie today when I woke up. Yay for the Esso Christmas party! Oh yeah and go look at the pictures in the December album to better appreciate the drunken fun that was had.

What do you get when you mix the Blues Brothers, the Ambiguously Gay Duo, a French maid, a black cat, an Ipod, a girlscout, a Catholic school girl, a guy that refuses to dress up,and a wrestler? The 102 F Halloween Bash, that's what! Ha. So hmm, imagine that, we found an excuse to drink ourselves through another Friday night. I got to the boys' apartment at 7:00 and started hanging decorations. Mistake. See, my little maid costume doesn't exactly allow for extensive movement, or any movement for that matter. Like seriously, I couldn't drink my fruity concoction without showing my ass. So hanging spider webs was a slight disaster... once the apartment was decorated, we were just sitting around drinking and waiting for our Beezers to get here. (Beezers is ridiculously good cheap drunk food in the form of 8 inch subs for those of you unfortunate enough to have never expereinced the Beezer.) We had the door open because the apartment was so hot. I was prancing around with my feather duster, Michael was doing the Bee dance, Joe was howling and Dave and Shawn, aka: Ace and Gary, were patting each other on the ass just as the Beezers delivery dude showed up. Awkward. Yet really amusing. We all kind of mumbled sorry and took our food and shut the door. Oh yeah and speaking of Bee Dancing, Michael had said that if he couldn't find a costume he was just going to come has Dave... with a bee dangling in front of his face and a nail taped to his forehead. And that is funny... After we finished eating, Shawn was going to make some Ecto Cooler, which is some ridiculous vodka/kool-aid mixture. Well, there was no sugar in the apartment, which meant Ace and Gary had their first mission of the evening: find sugar! The two left the apartment with a measuring cup and were dertermined to only return once the cup was full. Keep in mind they were fully dressed (like this) when searching for the sugar. Well, the got it, along with some really strange looks from passers-by they said. Ha. So, we drank a lot. Shawn and Michael finished off the Ecto Cooler pitcher that had a whole bottle of vodka in it, mind you. I had Malibu with a splash of pineapple all night, and Dave and Joe drank the usual Evan and Coke. We were waste cases. Dave and Shawn had attempted to make orange and black jello shots. The black turned out to be a kind of shit brown color instead. Both tasted like children's medicine. Both got us drunk. Okay, so can I just tell you that I cannot even begin to count the number of sexual inuendos made between Dave and Shawn. Everytime I turned around they were patting each other on the ass, making suggestive comments or just being gay. It was really funny because they are both such not gay guys (unlike some of the guys I've like in the past...) Yay for Dave being not gay... so anyway, we got bored later in the night and I really don't even know whose idea it was, but someone suggested we play Spin the Bottle. WTF? So basically we reverted back to 7th grade and kissed everyone in the room - like stupid peck kisses too. Lame, yet really funny. We eventually all passed out. Dustin,Shawns 16 year old drunk brother, wins the award for weirdest night. He had fallen asleep on the futon in the sun room and at some point he got up and went into Robby's room. Robby is the roommate that no one really knows at all. Like the kid could die and I don't think Dave, Shawn or Joe would notice for weeks. So Dustin ends up in his bed and Robby has to kick him out when he eventually came home. Well, the next morning, Robby tells Joe and Michael, "Ummm, I think that kid pissed on my clothes." Michael asked him why he thought that. Robby was like, "Well, they are damp and they smell like pee..." Michael and Joe cracked up. They said Robby took it really well though. Poor guy. It was a really fun night. We didn't do anything really crazy, but it was cool just to sit around and get ridiculous. Yay for Halloween.