The Napkin Diaries

The long-awaited Mexico recap blog has begun. This will be like a little mini-series because if you're anything like me, you'd rather get a bunch of fun little presents individually wrapped instead of a giant box with random shit all piled inside. Therefore, this mini-serious of blogs will be individually wrapped for your maximum entertainment.

So, pre-Mexico, I touched up on my Spanish skills:
Hi = Hola
Beer = Cerveza
Ahora Mismo = Right now
Bathroom = Bano

...Kay, I'm good to go.
Our flights to Mexico were easy and painless. And free of hand sweat (my feet sweat when I drink coffee; my hands sweat when I panic; god forbid I ever nervously drink coffee...) We arrived at the Ocean Coral & Turquesa mid-afternoon June 20. We got to go to the "Privilege" lobby since we had signed up for the upgrade status.


This somehow entitled us to the super upgrade status because we were handed the little swipey keys to a Master Suite just a few moments later! We walked into our giant room *which was more like an apartment than a hotel suite, and I seriously clapped and giggled. There was a giant pink couch, chocolate covered strawberries, and a beautiful ocean-front view staring back at me as soon as I set foot in the room. The bed was giant, the ceiling was pink and the closet was giant and pink! Our bathroom was massive and equipped with fuzzy robes and slippers. Our minibar was stocked and would magically be restocked anytime we drank anything from it (free of charge). Hi, All-Inclusive? I think I love you. I threw back the pink curtains to the balcony and stepped out with a giant smile plastered on my face, I took a deep breath and looked around. When I looked to my left, my jaw fell open, because our private jacuzzi was sitting there giving me sexy eyes telling me to come sit. Really? A private jacuzzi on my ocean-front balcony in my master suite in MEXICO?! Jesus, I did something right!

We threw on our bathing suites and set out to wander the resort. We stopped at the Snack Bar Pool for some nom noms and of course, some drinks. First pick: Coconut rum & pineapple. Husband took one sip, "Dear God, where have you been?" He said looking down into his neon yellow cup. Ahh, it was going to be a great week...
We wandered over to the next area - the Swim-Up Bar Pool. And do you know what they had at the Swim-Up Bar Pool? Well, besides a swim-up bar? They had techno music! Ump-tah Ump-tah Ump-tah (that's my techno beat. You like it.) We tested out the swim-up bar a few times; it works.

Two favorite drinks for the beginning of the week: the strawberry daiquiri and the frozen margarita.

Tidbits for next blog in the series: Introduction to Jerk Bird, the Resort Strip Club & Sake Night.

WaHhhhHhH! I leave for Cancun at 9:30 tomorrow morning! My excitement finally could no longer be contained as of yesterday evening around 8:00 PM when I plugged in my i-pod, jacked up the volume and wiggled my way to my gigantic closest while the "party mix" started to shake the walls. I scooped up, what I think was close to 20 dresses, and threw them onto the bed, hauled my enormous suitcase out and threw it on the bed too, and then watched the cats throw themselves into the suitcase that was now in their prime sleeping location. "Pay attention to me noooooow."
After unsuccessfully zipping myself into dress #1, in my sweetest wife voice possible, I screamed for Husband to come heellllppp! "I just want you to come hang out with me while I pack." Which really meant "I don't want you to do anything else but pay attention to me and zip me in and out of dresses and tell me which shoes match and tell me I look skinny and its okay that I ate chocolate donuts from the vending machine this week because I'm PMS-ish and pay attention to meee!"
He loves me.
So I think it took me like 4 hours to decide on 8 dresses and 5 pairs of shoes. I still don't know what I'm wearing to the stupid airport and God forbid I need pants. I'm not bringing any damn pants! I hate pants! I am bringing my stupidly tiny navy shorts that I plan to wear while hiking through some ridiculous jungle on an excursion that will lead us to a zip line that will spit us out some where in Mexico. Hope the navy shorts are sufficient because that's alls I gots. And I hope the jungle excursion does not turn into one of those scary movies where the vines try to eat your brains and the jungle people shoot tranquilizer darts at your ass and you end up upside down in some tree. Maybe I watch too many movies.
Meh.
Oh! My monokini came in and it is super cute and Husband loves it! Mind you, it hardly covers my ass (ahh, reminds me of the Cononie Coin slot days) but damnit it is cute with it's little sparkly orange pears. It will look even better in Mexican-tanned skin. Mmmm, tan.
So tonight I have to go finish packing my gigantic suitcase. I still have to fit in all my make-up products, hair beautifiers, yummy perfumes and whatever else will account for 28 pounds of luggage. I'm not allowed to go over 50 pounds. If I do... well that just means I get to bring another bag. Ha! I love Cancun already.

I've accidentally (or completely purposefully) spoiled the crap out of my cats, Moose and Murdoch. The spoiling started with the occasional cat treats and little toy mice to play with and has somehow progressed to real tuna twice a day and live rodents to play with. I take full responsibility for the tuna (we will discuss the rodents momentarily). I introduced them to tuna once and that was that... now they scream at me in little cat meows that translate to "feed me noooooow. Too-naah noooooow." If the screaming doesn't work, then Moose will walk on my face or put his paw under my nose (my cat is trying to kill me). I'm not kidding, he will walk across my face, ensuring as many paws as possible draggg across my cheek, or he will trample my hair, or when I turn my head and make him walk aroun... I mean OVER me, he'll eventually get irritated enough that he'll just poke me on the nose with his little kitty paw and then just cover my nostrils completely and leave his paw there until I open my eyes, pet him, and immediately go to the kitchen to feel my poor little attention- and tuna-starved kittehs. Ohhh kittehs.

So, the whole live rodent thing. NOT my fault. I do not take responsibility for this one. Murdoch isn't nearly as interested in reptiles and insects quite as much as Moose. Murdoch will swat at something or put his paw on top of it and then call it a day and roll over on his back and demand bellyrubs; much like this little kitteh (except Murdoch is more of an economy-sized, 12 pounds of tuna-stuffed fat now, instead of a fun-sized ball of fluff):

Moosey Mooserton (Husband has actually made a little theme song for him so when he walks into the room, Husband is like "And now it is time for the Moosey Mooserton Shoooow! Starring Mooooseeey Mooooosterton! *Breaks into jingle... Ah dah dah de de dee dah dah dee dee dah dee!" And then sometimes he will bend over and wrap his hands around Moose's fat tuna-belly and make him hop up and down. It's sinfully entertaining.)

So, Moose likes live toys. And yesterday, he got to have a bit of an adventure...we all got to have a bit of an adventure... with a lizard. See, I let the little fatties out on our screened-in porch because they like to roll around in the sunshine and sit on the grill. I always try to check for giant bugs or lizards before I let them out because I really do not want those things coming inside. Two kittehs is enough pets for me. Do not need/want slimy or multi-legged pets also. Well, I didn't inspect the porch as much as I needed to because about 30 minutes later, Moose comes in with a dangly green lizard hanging from his mouth. Lizard lips. You'd think he would have learned from his last lizard incident not to bring them inside because last time, he wasn't biting the lizard... the lizard was biting him! But nooooo.
So I freak out, shriek, and throw myself in Moose's general direction with my finger perfectly poised in pry-open-mouth position. First try and I was able to free the lizard from Moose's jaw but I was not, however, quick enough to catch the little green bastard while trying to hold back two giant fat cats from chasing after it. Hell. Lizard loose in house. I shrug and say "Well, he'll eventually come out and hopefully when he does it'll be high enough for him not to get bitten by kittehs."
Well, I was correct in my statement. The little guy did come out of hiding after about 30 minutes and he was climbing up the corner of the wall next to our cabinets in the kitchen. This situation made it glaringly obvious that Husband and I aren't exactly stellar at coming up with reasonable plans while trying to think quickly on our feet. Nope.
So, okay, I see the lizard on the wall and say something like "ahh haa! He's come out!" And I walk toward the kitchen but I'm kinda panicky because I'm like "how do I catch him?! What if Moose jumps on the counter? What if the lizard jumps on me?!"
So Husband is like "Okay, get a cup and I'll go get one of those pieces of decorative bamboo and I'll use it to push him into the cup!"
Perfect!
So I hold the cup under the lizard and he runs higher up the wall. Uhhhh... now what? So I get up on the counter top and hold the cup under him while Husband just kind of shakes the bamboo stick in his direction as if he was trying to will him into the cup by waving a magical decorative bamboo stick. Right.
Well, it kind of worked because the lizard did turn to start coming back down the wall. Yes, he was aiming straight for the cup - perfect.
Orrrr not.
He aimed for the cup, but then opted for my hand instead. So, here I am, standing on my kitchen counter with a red cup in one hand, my husband swinging around a stick of bamboo, and a lizard coming straight at me. He bypassed the cup and climbed onto my left hand. "Okay, I can deal with this, I can just walk him outside with him on my hand."
Orrrr not.
He made a break for it... straight up my arm and onto my shoulder. I froze. I stuck both arms out in somewhat of a scarecrow position, shrugged my shoulders up, spread my fingers, and opened my eyes really wide. Craaaap.
So now, I'm standing on my kitchen counter with a lizard loose on my body! After I lost sight of him, I squatted down and turned my back to Husband so he could give me an accurate account of where the lizard was heading. He was on my ass. Quick little bastard.
Husband grabbed him by his ass and plopped him down outside on the rocks out back. Lizard kind of sat there, much as I had just done on the counter - arms all wide with a confused look on his face "What the hell was that?!" And then he wiggled away.
Never a dull moment in the Kuhlman home...

My giant Target order came in the mail earlier this week. It's like Christmas every time a new package comes to the door! Ohh I love it. In my giant order came 3 new pretty pairs of shoes. I had to find a top in my closest this morning that would somehow correlate with these pretty slutty things:


I feel so preetty!
Also in my giant Target order were very giant bikini bottoms. The picture online made them look kind of retro since the style was black/white polka dot and they were "full" and not stringy, so I thought "ooh cute." More like "ooh barf." They came up to like the middle of my back and almost touched my belly button and were just gigantic and saggy. What happened?! Needless to say, those sad droopy drawers will NOT be in the Cancun suitcase. I am, however, hoping to add this little cutie pie of a monokini to the Cancun suitcase instead. Fingers crossed! It'll be in early next week and I have seriously high hopes. Oh the orange pears are just adorable!

As I mentioned in my happy-dance blog about Cancun, I got to pick out new pretty fake jewelry to adorn my tan hands while vacationing in Mexico. There are plenty of good reasons why I needed to buy fake jewelry: