Coffee & Cakesters

Uhh, that was my breakfast. Apparently, I've fallen into the "ohmygah I'm so bored with everything that I hardly know what to do with myself" category. Crap. My following wordy-ass paragraphs of crap will prove that I have fallen victim to this highly disadvantageous (is that a even a word?) category so you can basically just call me cah-RAY-zee.

So I'm bored. Really retardedly bored. To prove my boredom: I went to WAL-MART! WTF. Seriously. I actually think the last time I willingly set foot in a Wal-Mart was in December 2007. It was ugly. I was trying to make copies of my wedding pictures and of course it was a mad shit house in there because it was Christmas time... I had to wait in line behind this bitch with 400 photos she needed to copy... I had about 5. So whatever, I made the copies and went to pay and they double charged me, so I corrected them. Then, they decided to look at my pictures, deem them "too professional" and refused to give them to me. I'm pretty sure I demanded loudly "what the FUCK do you mean they are too professional?! I have fucking copy right to every.single.one of these god damn pictures!" (I could have pretty much turned green and ripped my shirt off.) Husband grab my elbow and gently escorted me out before (a) I jumped over the counter and punched a bitch or (b) Wal-Mart security escorted me out... in handcuffs. Fuck you, Simpsonville Wal-Mart! *Scrunches nose and waves middle fingers in air!
Whewww, okay man I just got worked up. Shake it off. Shake it off.

Okay, so after a story like that, what the hell would possess me to willingly go back to one of these hell holes? Yep, boredom.
I went in looking for a beach chair. I came out with $116 worth of sun tan lotion and other miscellaneous shit including that new mascara that has color tint to it. Did you know I have hazel eyes?? All this time I thought they were brown. Nope. Wrong. Hazel. Go hold up the little tubes of mascara with an eyeball on the package and tell me mine don't match Hazel. They do. Who knew. Meh.

(Where the hell am I going with this?!)
Oh! Right - the title: Coffee & Cakesters. No wonder I'm a bumbling blabbering moron... I'm all jacked up on caffeine and freaking sugar. My boredom has spilled over into my food choices also. Everything that I typically eat sounds like trash. Who wants a healthy variety of eggs, a tuna sandwich, a fresh salad & steamed veggies and some steak for a day's worth of meals?! Pssshhhh not me. I want freaking Nilla Cakesters, Starbucks Double Shot Energy + Coffee, 13 pieces of assorted Hershey's mini candies, some waffle fries dipped in smokey mustard sauce from Chic-Fil-A, a bowl of homemade mac & cheese, some jello and a some Fat Tire high-gravity beers. And perhaps some Monterrey jack cheese on Wheat Thins. That's what I want! Gimme! (No, I am not pregnant. I am BORED! Bored. Bleh.)
Save me?


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Lobster Nic

Owwww!

Yesterday Husband and I joined 4 of our friends for a day at the beach. As most days at the beach go, I covered myself in tanning oil (SPF 4 - hey, it counts!), leaned my chair back almost all the way, put my giant sunglasses on my face and cranked up my "party" play list on the i-pod. The boys lasted all of 5 minutes before getting up to go do something. Their first activity of the day was Boccie Ball. What started out as a very normal game, turned into them kicking 5 lb. balls with their bare feet half way across the beach. Boys *lowers eyebrows & shakes head back and forth slowly. After Boccie Ball lost it's novelty, they moved on to digging. Digging for crabs. Billy picked the closest crab hole he could find, got down on all fours, and turned his hand into a shovel. And out ran a nasty little white crab with big googly black eyeballs. Much like this guy:Gives me the heebie-jeebies. And he ran right under the poor guy's chair in front of that crab hole Billy had just ambushed. Luckily, there were tiny children everywh... wait, that's never a lucky situation... but one had a dump truck and the other had a bucket and thus, the ugly little guy was captured (crab, not child with dump truck). Nobody wants pinched toes (*touches fingers to thumbs "I peench"). So Billy used the florescent pink bucket to capture the critter and then parade it around the beach to show all who were curious. He let him go after a little while... and then he chased him... and then really let him go. And then he proceeded to dig for more crabs. Right behind our chairs!! Ack! No thank you! After unsuccessful attempts in two of the biggest crab holes he could find, all boys lost interest and ran flailing toward the water. Okay, the didn't really flail but they did walk down there like a pack of maniacs. Which technically they are. I later learned that they attempted P90x X-Jacks in the water. *Shakes head again.
Luckily (for real this time), Jules was at the beach and has the same idea of fun as I do: sit on ass and do nothing. We just gossipped and watched our husbands and friends act like lunatics. Oh, and keep in mind, no one had a single beer until about 2-3 hours into this trip. So all the antics were done completely sober.
I continued to lather myself in my carrot-extract-infused grease and soak up sunshine. It wasn't until later that night that I realized I had not rotated early enough in the day. Which is why I am now a 1/2 lobster. I have a lovely red hue permeating from my body. My chest and shoulders are somewhat scarlet, my arms are red and even my hands are burnt! My kneecaps match my arms and my nose matches my chest. BUT the rest of my face looks even worse! Okay, apparently I missed an inch of face around my hair line, so I have a florescent "halo," if you will (ha, me with a halo!). And then like I said, my nose is scorched, but my cheeks are still white since I insist on gigantic celebrity sunglasses. And then the worst part is this weird tan I got on my upper lip?! Apparently that was the only place I correctly applied the sunscreen because that was the only place that tanned, however that tan looks like a puberty-ridden 14 year old boy's excuse for a mustache?! I have a tan-stache?! WTF? My face basically just looks dirty. All I have to say is thank GOD for make-up. Lots and lots of "mustache" covering make-up.
Fingers crossed that an all-hands meeting is not held anytime this week before about Thursday. *Smacks forehead.

Cancun is for Lovers

Hi, this is Nic in pee-my-pants-I'm-too-excited mode! Why? Because Husband and I are taking a kick ass all-inclusive 7-night trip to Cancun, Mexico! As I'm sure you know, we were supposed to take a cruise for our first anniversary, but that fell through in the most miserable way, so here we are 8 months later ready to redo the anniversary we never got to have. Well, I guess we technically got to have an anniversary, but there were no umbrella drinks, tan lines, or seashells involved. We'll be basking in the luxury of the Ocean Coral and Turquesa Resort.
This tropical heaven has 8 restaurants, 9 bars and a view of the ocean that looks like this:
And since Husband and I only know how to do things BIG, we of course, upgraded ourselves to the "Privilege" status, which means we get a swanky room, table preference in the restaurants and entrance into the VIP areas of the bars. Oh God, do you even know how much I'm going to live this up?! This is so up my alley I can hardly see straight.
I plan to come back with the most ridiculous tan of my life. I look forward to seeing what shade of bronze I can max out at. In the mean time, I have 2 weeks to prepare myself, so I've already shopped online (and purchased) 3 new pairs of pretty summer shoes (4 inch heel included on at least 1 pair), a new dress, new bikini, and of course new tacky jewelry. To go along with my tacky jewelry, I believe I will be buying the most ridiculous (yet somehow reasonable) CZ ring I can find. I can't justify bringing the real stuff which means I get to pick out something gaudy and cheap. Oh I love it! Bah! I can't wait! Hurry up, June 20th!

Thank You Sir, May I Have Another?

4-day Weekend, that is!
4 days of whateverthehellIwant. I like. Yes, indeed.
Let me recap the deliciousness of 4 days away from the office after quite possibly the most insane week ever. Hello, new boss...


So Friday: I slept for 14 hours. I passed out somewhere around 10 PM Thursday and awoke around noon. Perfect way to start the weekend. Of course our day started with some P90x. Ouch. It doesn't really ever get easier. You just kind of get better at it. Oh the pain. My ass looks rather amazing though, so I'll keep trying.

After our workout and our recovery drinks (that is seriously what they call them on P90x and that is seriously what they are. Srsly.) and our showers, Husband and I went to roam Target for hours, with no real purpose. Everyone knows you're not supposed to do this because everyone knows you'll spend hundreds of dollars on stupid things like zebra headbands, sippy cups shaped like crabs, and Grecian-inspired, dinosaur-esque sandals. (Yes, I have purchased all of these previously mentioned idiot items at Target at some point in my life and yes I use them all.) We came home with $200 worth of crap. I think the only think we really needed was shaving cream. The other $197 was spent on awesomeness such as a 1000-piece puzzle and the game Kerplunk. Do you remember that game?! The one with the sticks and the marbles and you have to pull the sticks out and not make the marbles fall?! Ha! We stayed up until 3 AM playing that, drinking wine, and building the outside edges of the puzzle. Turns out that Husband is apparently some kind of puzzle savant and can put pieces together amazingly well and I am apparently some kind of excellent puzzle-piece-scanner and can weed through those 1000 pieces to find the edge pieces and all other seemingly necessary pieces for whatever section we’re working on. (Why the hell did we pick a puzzle consisting mostly of sky and water?) I knew we got married for a reason - we each have special puzzle building talents! I literally fell asleep with a glass of wine in one hand and a puzzle piece in the other... on the dining room table - head buried in crease of arm. I'm sure Husband was proud. It shows my enthusiasm for... er? For team building exercises (??) and for...wine. I'm enthusiastic about wine. Don't judge me.

Saturday: Started off with some tanning bed and more P90x. Let me take this moment to appreciate those tanning bed workers that actually know what they are doing. And this might be mean, but somehow I just don't find that particular profession too mind boggling so when they actually screw up it IS mind boggling. Steps for running a tanning bed:
1. Type person's name into computer
2. Collect money, if necessary
3. Pick open bed to put person in
4. Push "start"
5. Clean bed after person is done
6. Repeat

Somehow I paid for an upgrade bed, but she tried to use one of my Ultra Dollars, but you can't use Ultra Dollars on the weekend (I knew that, she didn't... how that makes sense, I do not know), so I had to pay again but somehow that money went into my Ultra Dollars pool for my account and then finally I could tan. WTF? Seriously, I have no idea what happened. I furrowed my brow and grunted at her and I think my exact words were "I don't care what you really do, I just want to tan in bed #3." I think I gave her like $6 for a bed that was $3.50 and I ended up with $3 in my account. No.fucking.idea.

After that retarded fiasco, we saw Star Trek at the Hippodrome with the Sniders. WTF? Who names it that? Are there hippos there? Meh, "IMAX" worked just fine for me, but whatever.

We then went to the soccer game (Go Charleston Battery! Wooo! Go Season Tickets too! Woooo!), which happened to be the best game of the season! We scored 2 goals, got free ice cream tickets and the rain timed itself perfectly as the only downpour occurred during half-time. There was even a punch thrown on the field! First red card of the season - to those butthead NY Rhinos ::shaking fist:: Way entertaining. We went home and drank some more, played some more Kerplunk and played Last Word too and then played Mario Party. We had a Snider sleep over. Hoooray!

Sunday: We didn’t move. We didn’t bathe. We ate an entire dish of homemade mac & cheese and watched about 5 movies, one of which was Changeling and it was very very good. I recommend it for sure! We also did not drink for fear of killing our livers.

Monday: A spur of the moment invitation was given to us by Adrian & Julianne for some grillin’ & margaritas and... wait for it... SING STAR! Erin and Ryan (Jules’ sister, remember the pretty red head?) were there too. We drank and played Sing Star (do you really play Sing Star? We sang Sing Star??) and then a break out dance party happened in the kitchen and then we all decided that we should go home and go to bed.

You know you've had a good weekend when you have a break out dance party in the kitchen on a Monday night around 11:00 PM.

I like this Memorial Day/Weekend business. More please.

Let's Get Pierced! (Again!) (For the 11th Time!) (Seriously!)

Every couple of years I get another urge for a new piercing. I've been doing this for the past 10 years. When I was 16, I got a belly ring... sorry Mom. At 18 I attempted a tongue piercing, however the piercer effed up and I was left with a hole in my tongue instead of a piece of metal...sorry Mom. Around year 22, I opted for the tragus piercing and about a year later I followed up with a rook piercing. As history proved, it's been a few years and thus the piercing bug has come back to pay me a visit. But what the hell was I going to pierce? I'd run out of ear space and there was no way in hell anyone was piercing my downstairs. I'd always thought I could completely rock a nose ring... but at 26 years old? Could I get away with it? Was I too old? Would my co-workers declare me clinically insane and insist that I see a shrink for my quarter-life crisis? Then I remembered something: I'm Nicole. Fucking. (Cononie). I CAN rock a nose ring. And I WILL.

So, the evening of Saturday May 9th, Husband I went out for burgers and beers at Poe's on Sullivan's Island. Luckily, 3 Magic Hat beers came with that burger of mine. After a while, Husband was like "Come on, let's go."

"Where?"
"To get your nosed pierced."

"Holy shit. Okay!" And so we went to Piercing Perfection (cue angelic hums). I pictured a giant halo over the building with little pierced angels floating around. Okay, so it was more like just a boring brick square with a scraggly palm in front, but if they insist on perfection, then I'm willing to give them a try.

So we actually misread the site info and thought they were open until 9 - we were mistaken; they were only open until 8. Crap! I was totally going to lose my nerve if I had to drive all the way back the next day. So we started to turn around and a guy came out and asked us if we were, indeed, visiting Piercing Perfection to obtain a piercing. Why yes, yes we were. And he reopened the shop for us at 8:20. Sweet.

I signed my life away and took a seat in the yellow room. I happened to be wearing my beach-cover-up-turned-dress that night that was the same color. I was nearly camouflage in the most obnoxious yellow color there is. Only me. Hey, as I like to say and promote: Tacky is the new black.


I had to sit sideways so that Mr. Piercer could shove metal through my face. God, why do I sign up for this crap?! (It took us 3 tries to get the Sharpie dot in the perfect place, since after all, we were at Piercing Perfection.) I gripped onto the seat with both hands and squeezed my eyes shut. I wanted no part in actually viewing what he was going to stick in my face. First, he shoved a cork up my right nostril. It felt like it was about the size of a quarter. I was certain that he'd never be able to get it back out. Then he started with the "okay now take a deep breath."

Oh shit, here it comes.

"Okay take another deep breath."

Damnit! I thought he was going to pierce me on the first breath. Ugh, now I have to breath again. And then it happened. Metal.through.face. I involuntarily snotted and cried at the same time. Sorry Mr. Piercer. He wiggled that giant cork out of my nose and then asked if I was okay. I think my eyes were still squinted shut and I was still not breathing so his question cued me to view and breathe. The color then returned to my face. Oooh and now I have a shiny little sparkle on the side of my face. Preeeetty.

At first glance, I thought my piercing was giant. I was like "ohmygod, this stupid shiny dot takes up my whole nose. Bad decision. Very very bad." Then I stared at it for the rest of the weekend. Then I stared at it for the rest of the week. And now I love it. Excellent decision. Very very excellent.

I was right: I CAN rock a nose ring. And I AM.

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