The Napkin Diaries

Dave, Amanda and I met at Wild Wing at 5:00. I was drunk by beer 3 which occurred somewhere around the 6:30 hour. I'm pretty sure that all I did was talk with a lisp and try to embarrass Amanda and sometimes I combined the two for maximum fun. Eventually Miss Lara met up with us and so did Adrian and Jules. Excellent. ::tapping fingers::

So we proceeded to get drunk. Which really was my only goal I set for myself yesterday. I'm a high-striver... speaking of hyphenated things to be, Amanda is a pot-stirrer... always brewin' up some trouble, which always means there will be a good gossip-filled story to come after the stirring. Oh how I love other people's drama.

Some how we ended up at this crap bar called Sapphires. It's neon signed gave me high hopes as it instinctively reminded me of a strip club. No. Wrong. Bust. The only thing good about that place was some shot called Fire on your Tire. Or maybe it was Flat Tire, or maybe it had nothing to do with nonworking car parts. It was green and delicious. Who the fuck cares what it's name was. We had 2. I then pouted until Dave drove us home to get glammed up and go downtown to Mad River. PS: Lara is a make-up artist. Yay for friends with talents. We all bust in up in Mad River sporting an article of clothing from my closet and some form of tacky Nicole jewelry, well Dave refrained from the tacky jewelry... we just shook our asses for 2 hours until they kicked us out. I particularly enjoyed the part where I screamed every single word of Ice Ice Baby. I really don't know why I have friends. I'm really a dork. Or even a dorkasaur. Rawr. I also enjoyed weighing the pros and cons of dancing on one of the 4 foot tables. I really did drown out the conversation around me and make a list in my head about the goods and bads of staying on the floor vs. climbing onto an unsturdy table with about 10 drinks in my system. ::insert R. Kelly's song "my mind's tellin me noooo, but my body...my body's telling me yessssss...":: I refrained from table dancing. You know, it's probably really good that I didn't have friends who encouraged stripping. Something tells me I could have easily gone down quite the wrong path in life since every time I get some alcohol in me I want to immediately become the center of attention by standing on platforms or swinging around poles or using articles of clothing like g-string strings and sunglasses and ties as props. So thanks friends for encouraging a lifestyles that promotes clothing. Appreciate it.

Okay so like I said, we stayed until we got kicked out. Well, so did the guy who literally got kicked out. Like got kicked out so hard he flew out of his shoes and landed face first on the rain-soaked sidewalk unconscious. That was way scary to walk out of a bar all giggly and silly and see someone's shoes on the steps and then see that someone knocked out cold 3 feet in front of his shoes. Dave and Lara both have medical experience so they made sure the dude was breathing and not dead. Amanda and I stood there holding each other as it rained. Again, an appropriate time for th R. Kelly song... Oh! Speaking of R Kelly songs, Dave and I continued to reference the South Park episode where he and Tom Cruise continue to get in the closet. "Now Tom Cruise is in the closet. Now I'm in the closet too."

WTF with the R. Kelly? Seriously.
Okay so, knocked-out guy... I mean really, who pisses off someone so bad that they punch you out of your own shoes? Drama...

So Dave and I got home and sat in the tub because we still swear that we always smell like smoke even though downtown in smoke-free. Whatever. I woke up with my pretty eye make-up smeared across my face over to my ear. So much for the sexy, smoky eyes. I'm now still drunk, haven't even made it to the hangover phase yet. Oh God and we don't have any milk in the house! Dilemma!!. My chest is all shaky. And I'm very curious to learn how Amanda is going to get through a session with her personal trainer in 30 minutes. Good luck. Now someone go make me some drunk breakfast! Mmm, hangover days.

Due to popular demand, I've decided to recap the happy "hour" that occurred on Tuesday. We had plenty of reasons to celebrate: (1) Jayson was in town, (2) Amanda was leaving town, (3) Jayson and Amanda needed to meet and be friends, (4) Catherine wasn't entirely broke, (5) Laura was in town, (6) it was Tuesday, (7) they serve alcohol at happy hour.

We started off at The Mill (this hole in the wall in North Chuck). Madra Rua was apparently too packed out for all of us to hang out together. Damnit. So we entertained ourselves by ordering basically everything on the menu and feeding dollars to the juke box since the damn place didn't even have a radio… side note: the "feeding dollars" situation came into play later in the evening as well. And we really did eat everything – those little pea pods, a massive plate of nachos, some humus, and quesadillas. Between 4 girls, it was pretty impressive.

Rumor got out that it was Jules' company Christmas party… that just so happened to be at Moe's (Catherine's favorite bar) and it also just so happened to be OPEN BAR! Like 10 of us crashed the party. No one cared. It the spirit of the holidays, I found it to be only right to order "Christmas" to drink (beam and ginger). Mmmm, brought back Clemson memories. But then those memories were forgotten because I insisted on drinking my Christmas out of a 24 oz. glass, or something ridiculous like that. Whatever. We were drunk. And we ate even more food here. Freaking chicken wings. Fuck yeah.

Not surprisingly, the idea of the strip club arose. Come to find out, Laura had never been. Ooooh a virgin. We like those. I actually 411'd Thee Southern Belle to find out what night it was. Fucking Ladies' Night! Girls get in free. Oh, we're so there. We sucked down as many more free drinks as we could stand, tried to convince Catherine that is was completely necessary for her to be there, and then piled into the Celica (minus Catherine). Sad face.

Ladies' night was really freaking entertaining. Probably one of the best nights I've had at the strip club in a while. It ended up being Dave, Jayson, John (Dave's coworker), Laura and me. And of course we sat in the front row. The guys were kind enough to buy me and Laura a dance in the back room. We went into this dressing-room-sized room with a curtain… and a mirror behind our heads. Our little nipple-pierced stripper was kinda lame. I have to say I was disappointed in her stripping abilities. Laura was thankful that I was there to feel awkward with her. Ha.

I soon forgot how lame our back-room girl was, because COOKIE was on stage soon after! She's my favorite. And she loves my boobs. I'm not even gonna lie. She's always really excited to learn that they're real. Yes, we have this conversation every time I go up to the stage to feed her dollars. And yes, sometimes I actually do put the dirty money in my mouth. Whatever. Don't judge me.

So Laura decided she liked this one stripper. Michelle was her name, as I've so learned. Well, Michelle also really liked Laura. Maybe it was because Laura and I had lost half the clothing we came in with… she was down to a teeny spaghetti strap shirt, and my boobs were falling out of my sweater since I had taken off the collared shirt underneath. We're so trashy. So yeah, Laura goes up to the stage for Miss Michelle. And Michelle freaking tears down Laura's shirt, spins her around and throws her onto the stage on her back. She then proceeded to fake-69 with her. I have never witnessed anything like that in all of my strip club years! I think I clapped. Laura sat down and was like "Wow, so you just saw my boobs and I basically just 69ed with a stripper. Awesome." Hellova first time at a strip club, huh Laura??

We continued to go up to the stage and get molested until like 2 AM or something retarded like that... on a Tuesday. Who does that?! We all smelled like strippers so bad when we left the place that we had to ride with all the windows down. That smell just gets in your nose. I mean, its nice, but I really didn't want to smell like strippers at 9:30 AM when I decided to roll into work the next morning.

So we had to pick up some Taco Hell and go home. As Jayson put it: "I planned for a laid back night with friends. Insteead, I ended up downtown. Then I ended up at the shoe show. Then I ended up at the Wendy's late night drive-thru. Then I ended up curled up in the fetal position wondering where my dignity went." I couldn't have said it any better myself. Only difference was that my late night drunk food craving was for tacos. No disgusting pun intended, I swear.

It hurt real bad to wake up the next morning. I didn't get out of bed until almost 8:30… which is usually when I come into the office. Dave hurt so bad he had to sit down in the shower 3 times and then take a bath after that. I don't think I was hung over though, I think I was just still freaking drunk. Dave was. He couldn't close his eyes; if he did, he'd spin. Laura also was still drunk the next morning because she fell down a frickin flight of stairs in her attempt to make hangover breakfast. And as she so perfectly put it, "Now my tailbone is bruised and I can't even attribute it to being molested on stage last night." What a shame.