The Lizard Incident

I've accidentally (or completely purposefully) spoiled the crap out of my cats, Moose and Murdoch. The spoiling started with the occasional cat treats and little toy mice to play with and has somehow progressed to real tuna twice a day and live rodents to play with. I take full responsibility for the tuna (we will discuss the rodents momentarily). I introduced them to tuna once and that was that... now they scream at me in little cat meows that translate to "feed me noooooow. Too-naah noooooow." If the screaming doesn't work, then Moose will walk on my face or put his paw under my nose (my cat is trying to kill me). I'm not kidding, he will walk across my face, ensuring as many paws as possible draggg across my cheek, or he will trample my hair, or when I turn my head and make him walk aroun... I mean OVER me, he'll eventually get irritated enough that he'll just poke me on the nose with his little kitty paw and then just cover my nostrils completely and leave his paw there until I open my eyes, pet him, and immediately go to the kitchen to feel my poor little attention- and tuna-starved kittehs. Ohhh kittehs.

So, the whole live rodent thing. NOT my fault. I do not take responsibility for this one. Murdoch isn't nearly as interested in reptiles and insects quite as much as Moose. Murdoch will swat at something or put his paw on top of it and then call it a day and roll over on his back and demand bellyrubs; much like this little kitteh (except Murdoch is more of an economy-sized, 12 pounds of tuna-stuffed fat now, instead of a fun-sized ball of fluff):

Moosey Mooserton (Husband has actually made a little theme song for him so when he walks into the room, Husband is like "And now it is time for the Moosey Mooserton Shoooow! Starring Mooooseeey Mooooosterton! *Breaks into jingle... Ah dah dah de de dee dah dah dee dee dah dee!" And then sometimes he will bend over and wrap his hands around Moose's fat tuna-belly and make him hop up and down. It's sinfully entertaining.)

So, Moose likes live toys. And yesterday, he got to have a bit of an adventure...we all got to have a bit of an adventure... with a lizard. See, I let the little fatties out on our screened-in porch because they like to roll around in the sunshine and sit on the grill. I always try to check for giant bugs or lizards before I let them out because I really do not want those things coming inside. Two kittehs is enough pets for me. Do not need/want slimy or multi-legged pets also. Well, I didn't inspect the porch as much as I needed to because about 30 minutes later, Moose comes in with a dangly green lizard hanging from his mouth. Lizard lips. You'd think he would have learned from his last lizard incident not to bring them inside because last time, he wasn't biting the lizard... the lizard was biting him! But nooooo.
So I freak out, shriek, and throw myself in Moose's general direction with my finger perfectly poised in pry-open-mouth position. First try and I was able to free the lizard from Moose's jaw but I was not, however, quick enough to catch the little green bastard while trying to hold back two giant fat cats from chasing after it. Hell. Lizard loose in house. I shrug and say "Well, he'll eventually come out and hopefully when he does it'll be high enough for him not to get bitten by kittehs."
Well, I was correct in my statement. The little guy did come out of hiding after about 30 minutes and he was climbing up the corner of the wall next to our cabinets in the kitchen. This situation made it glaringly obvious that Husband and I aren't exactly stellar at coming up with reasonable plans while trying to think quickly on our feet. Nope.
So, okay, I see the lizard on the wall and say something like "ahh haa! He's come out!" And I walk toward the kitchen but I'm kinda panicky because I'm like "how do I catch him?! What if Moose jumps on the counter? What if the lizard jumps on me?!"
So Husband is like "Okay, get a cup and I'll go get one of those pieces of decorative bamboo and I'll use it to push him into the cup!"
So I hold the cup under the lizard and he runs higher up the wall. Uhhhh... now what? So I get up on the counter top and hold the cup under him while Husband just kind of shakes the bamboo stick in his direction as if he was trying to will him into the cup by waving a magical decorative bamboo stick. Right.
Well, it kind of worked because the lizard did turn to start coming back down the wall. Yes, he was aiming straight for the cup - perfect.
Orrrr not.
He aimed for the cup, but then opted for my hand instead. So, here I am, standing on my kitchen counter with a red cup in one hand, my husband swinging around a stick of bamboo, and a lizard coming straight at me. He bypassed the cup and climbed onto my left hand. "Okay, I can deal with this, I can just walk him outside with him on my hand."
Orrrr not.
He made a break for it... straight up my arm and onto my shoulder. I froze. I stuck both arms out in somewhat of a scarecrow position, shrugged my shoulders up, spread my fingers, and opened my eyes really wide. Craaaap.
So now, I'm standing on my kitchen counter with a lizard loose on my body! After I lost sight of him, I squatted down and turned my back to Husband so he could give me an accurate account of where the lizard was heading. He was on my ass. Quick little bastard.
Husband grabbed him by his ass and plopped him down outside on the rocks out back. Lizard kind of sat there, much as I had just done on the counter - arms all wide with a confused look on his face "What the hell was that?!" And then he wiggled away.
Never a dull moment in the Kuhlman home...

2 Response to "The Lizard Incident"

  1. The Belle Says:

    omfg. I would have been a lunatic. EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEw. lizards. I wish your husband had of thought to grab a camera/phone and snap a photo of your climbing atop your cabinets in the hunt for lizard man.

  2. Queen Amanda Says:

    Oh my effin' goodness. I'm crying. That was too funny!! I can picture all of that perfectly. :D LMAO!!