Soccer Mom

I don't know where the idea really came from, but one day, Husband came home with Season Tickets to the Charleston Battery (our pro soccer team). We have seats with one of our absolutely most favorite couples. At first, I started to get pissy and demand an answer as to why we would spend hundreds of dollars to watch a sport that I've never actually watched... Husband quickly replied "there's beer." Annnnd sold.
We've gone to two games so far, and can I just tell you, this was one of Husband's greatest ideas yet!

Okay, first of all, we have rockstar seats. We're on the first row behind the opposing team (whose "dugout" (I don't know what soccer players have so I'll use baseball terms) (yes I just put parentheses inside an already existing set of parentheses) has a giant plastic roof so people like us can't throw things at them), and we're almost mid-field. That sentence was just supposed to explain that we have good seats, but I'm all hopped up on Caramel Macchiato courtesy of Starbucks. Don't judge me.

Across from us, sits the Pirate Section. Okay, I'm not even kidding. They bring their own pirate flags and pirate horns, or conch shells, whatever. There's the Lead Pirate who parades around with his horn/shell and just randomly toots on it throughout the entire 90 minute game. Hilarious. I would like to bring a little recorder so I can be the Snake Charmer next to Lead Pirate. Sounds like a perfect idea, if you ask me. Instead, I just move my fingers in front of my chest, tilt my head down and mimic recorder sounds "newwwny newww neeee newwww" since Husband won't buy, support, or allow my recorder playing.

Second of all, there's beer. Lots of giant beer. Giantly priced, also, but who cares because we're watching soccer, listening to Pirate Guy and getting waaaaasted.

Our second game, we got a little smarter, and decided that we were going to tailgate. Yes, in the parking lot. Just like football. Technically it is football, in Europe, or whatever... Only a handful of other drunks participated in tailgate; most people drove by us looking confused as to why our truck bed was down and I was sitting on a cooler and all of us had giant cups in our hands. BTW, tailgating requires massive amounts of stinky bug spray. Gross. Okay, so we were pretty hammy by the time we even got into the stadium. I don't know about you guys, but the more hammy Husband gets, the filthier his mouth gets also. So, of course, the ref makes some atrocious call that causes mass chaos (well, at least for the 4 of us in the front row with giant beers), and we stand up and start screaming and booing and Husband blurts "Whaaaaat thaa fuuuuuuck?!" I was like "Husband! No! There's children! Lots and lots of children! Say 'hell'. Hell, even say 'damn,' but whatever you do, do not scream fuuuuuuckkkk in the middle of a bunch of seven year olds!" ::Forehead smack:: Something tells me we aren't quite ready for children of our own considering we drink beer in soccer parking lots and in soccer stadiums and then our obscenities become more obscene the more we consume our giant expensive beer. Whhhhhhatttt thaa fuuuuuuckkkk.

I love soccer.

Best.idea.ever.

2 Response to "Soccer Mom"

  1. The Belle Says:

    I am so scared for your offspring. So scared.

  2. Queen Amanda Says:

    Ppppfffttt... offspring. :P Who cares, the offspring don't exist yet. Party on! you'll get knocked up too soon... drink now while you can. LOL
    I'm just jealous I don't have season tickets too. :P