i don't think you can actually title what happened this weekend

and for my next trick... i will attempt to recreate this past weekend using as many descriptive words as possible. prepare yourself. this is going to be a ride. a really twirly, messy, drunk ass ride.
joe long paid charleston a visit thursday night whereupon it was only natural to get wasted. dave and i hosted a mini pregame party that included joe, candle, opie, jayson, megan and our new friend keenan. we pounded our way through half a bottle of jager, one and a half bottles of champagne and god only knows how much evan williams and beer. all before 10:30.
opie hauled our asses downtown. jayson hauled joe with him. ah, long lost jayson. what a nice addition to the debauchery. we got the sweet corner booth in purple tree. and then we were approached by a large camera with a bearded man behind it asking to take pictures of our cool as group of friends. by the way we were posing and screaming and cheesing, you would think that we had never been in front of a freakin camera before. so now we are plastered all over some website somewhere *no pun intended. great. actually, that's not really surprising.

after this, everything got hazy and for the sake of pride, i will leave names out of the following situations that took place: someone got insanely drunk/sick and i played puke fairy (how many times is that, 502, now? ugh) for a good hour or so while i held others hostage for moral support; there was crying mostly on my behalf because i was afraid that i too would get pukey, mostly from being around all the pukey, and i'm a real wimp when it comes to everything pukish; a dude slapped another dude in the face; two people almost got arrested... one of which got thrown slightly through a window, well actually this person's elbow was thrown through a window; clothing was lost; bartabs for each person were over $50; there was a dance off (well, okay, it was a pretend dance off from the nic and joe show. but i mean, i thought it was funny as hell); a noise violation was acquired; somehow a candle exploded in my living room,where i ended up spending about an hour with a roll of papertowels and an iron steaming the wax off my effing glass table; a cab driver was forced to listen to someone's life story (that was my fault, i needed a counselor of my own by the end of the night). and keep in mind all of this occurred between the people mentioned above plus one more person...
which brings me to the most exciting point of this entire blog: I MET CATHERINE! As many many of you know, catherine and I both dated the same doof from columbia who stands about 7 feet tall and has the ability to make a human feel about 7 inches tall. her a i have been "online" friends (how cheesy) for the past 2 years. and i mean, i really thought she was the shit but i was afraid i'd never have the opportunity to actually meet her in person. low and behold, my ass is standing at the bar at purple tree trying to order some maniac shot when i hear "niiicooolllee!" and it was catherine! we hugged each other like we were long lost elementary school pals. which is what she really does feel like because we've been "friends" for so long. the night turned into a whirlwind of applebombs, buttery nipples, and some red fruity shots. seriously, this girl is so awesome. we ended up kidnapping her... well actually she came with us willingly back to our apartment. we remained drunk and out of control until the wee hours. so we all woke up friday feeling like death's cousin. joe came to the rescue and ordered some fucking fantastic breakfast burritos from sonic. heaven. pure sweet heaven wrapped up in a soggy tortilla. i ate two. it was glorious.
we basically did the same thing again the next night, minus purple tree. i personally temporarily banned us from the bar due to our actions the night before. catherine, jayson, candle and opie came back over to entertain joe, dave and myself. i seriously love these people. we pounded through some evan and i was half cross eyed by the time catherine got there...and she didn't come empty handed. she came bearing gifts... from satan himself...[insert doom music here] she brought motherfucking tequila. ewwww. um, needless to say i was the puker that night. but i bounced back like a damn champ and came back to party after i got done caressing the toilet. gross. my drink of choice was water after that. i can't really tell you anymore of like what was said or what was funny because you know, honestly, i was just that drunk.
when i woke up, i opened the door to find the boobah standing there. dave and i cracked the hell up and the proceeded to pirch the demon in front of joe's door because well, duh, he put it in front of ours. then my phone jingles, i dance a little, and then i read my jingly little message. it's from catherine. she had woken up about 3 minutes after she was supposed to be at work and when she got in her car to speed home, she ran into a detour: tequila. she, too, had to puke. only her experience was worse, because instead of a toilet, she had a side of road to comfort her. i laughed. then i felt bad, but then i laughed again when she told me that she laughed too. bad tequila, bad!
so what is it now, saturday night? yes, yes it is. do you know what we did on this night? oh it was fabulous... we willingly went to participate in the viewing of motherfucking snakes on a motherfucking plane. there is only one word for this movie: ridiculous. the entire 2 hour experience was all worth it when mr. samuel l. said those infamous words: i'm tired of these mother fucking snakes on this motherfucking plane! the whole place cracked up. some even clapped. i think i was a clapper. ass-o-nine. we came back and drank more. i don't really know how. dave and i wussed out around 2:30 and the rockstars catherine and joe devised a brilliant plan to throw water balloons at hookers. but they ran into two problems: they could not find water balloons and they could also not find hookers. so apparently they spend the night on a curb at the battery swigging champage. can someone get them a trophy or something? jesus.
we pigged out on greasy, wonderful baroni's italian heaven the next morning thanks to catherine. well, by "morning" i mean like 2:00 pm, but that's neither here nor there.
i can honestly say that this was one of the funniest weekends of the year. i had such a shitty summer and i really needed to be with friends this weekend. and now that i have catherine to add to my bomb ass friend list, not only is my year better, my life is better. woo! so thank all of you for a freakin good ass weekend. and extra thank yous to candle and catherine for letting me cry a lot this weekend. both of you were so wonderful, and i really needed to be surrounded by good people, so thanks.
so yeah, my friends are the shit. and we're awesome. can we do it again? real soon? love the hell out of you guys.

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