Too Many G's!

So I just got back from Six Flags, and holy crap was that fun! Candle, Opie, Dave and I all decided to haul ass down to Georgia today to go see just how many rollercoasters we could attempt without puking or dying. I'd say we did a damn good job. The second we got there, we got on the Georgia Scorcher -- the stand up rollercoaster. Ahhh! Way fun. Like so fun, I couldn't yell or open my eyes on the first hill because of TOO MANY G'S!!
Okay, let me enlighten you -- our on-going joke of the day was "too many g's." See, we went to ride the Mind Bender and then Batman after our Scorcher experience. Well, Batman sucks your happy ass seriously to your seat. In the midst of some ridiculous corkscrew flippy loop stuff, I hear Candle screaming "too many ggggg's!" I cracked up. Like could-not-contain-myself cracked up.
So after those rollercoasters, we hiked our asses over to Acrophobia, you know, the 200 ft. plumet of death? Right. That one. Well, I wimped out and said I couldn't do it right then, and we'd have to come back when the color in my face decided to come back.
We went to ride the Goldrush rollercoaster, which basically just jolted and jiggled us around a little. Sloshed around my brain blood. But for real, I had a headache that I swear was directly from Satan himself. Then our dumbasses got on the worst mistake ever -- the Georgia Cyclone. It's the big nasty wooden diaster than beat the living shit out of me. After we went down the first hill and my head was slammed 6 times into the "headrest" I knew I had made quite the mistake. My hips were bruised from the lap bar and I was trying to simply stablize my vital organs for the remainder of this disaster. Jesus Christ, someone needs to burn that machine.
We had to have intermission at this point where food became a necessity. Hamburgers sounded like a good idea. Until it cost us $40 for 4 of them. I mean, really. Who does that? Who charges that kind of money for a frickin burger? Buttheads. Eh, at least I was alive to enjoy my $10 slab o' meat... stupid Cyclone. I hate you.
And theeeen, we opted for the Superman rollercoaster. Way fun! Minus the incredibly foul smelling harnesses we were forced to be strapped to. Gross. But that ride is definitely the bomb. All 4 of us kept our hands stretched out like we were super heroes... and 8 years old. And of couse, Candle made references to the ungodly G-force that accompanied this Superman business. Whatever. You'd do it too. And see, I would have loved to have talked during these maniac excursions, but really, it's awesome if I can even laugh or scream in the process. Talking is simply out of the question.
We rode the Ninja next. Stupid Ninja. Got the crap beat out of me again. I think it was because there was no line at all, so we got right on - and my body was still processing Superman G's and was not fully prepared to experience Ninja G's and therefore I encountered internal G turmoil... right. That.
We then wanted Dippin' Dots, that cost $8 for 2 smalls. Bitches. We were going to enjoy our Dippin' Dots while waiting to board the Monster Plantation ride. It's a little boat ride through a "haunted" mansion that consisted of overstuffed silly creatures singing Halloweeny songs. As we were walking to go stand in line with 900 4 years and under children, somehow Candle managed to throw her Dippin' Dots all over the ground, as well as herself. Nothing was in her way. She really just threw them into the air. Oh, Candle. Tragic. So we stood in line with the little shits -- there's a form of birth control, if I ever saw one. Candle thought some of the kids were so adorable... it was all Dave and I could do to keep from snarling every time one of them glanced our way. Ewww, kids. So we rode our little boat through the creepy creature house and then it was time. Time to experience the 200 ft Death Drop. Acrophobia.
So we walk over, well, they kinda had to drag me... and I requested that we watch just how horrid this experience was going to be. I shuddered everytime the thing got to the top and just held those poor people up there for countless seconds torturing them with the inability of knowing just when they will be dropped back down to Earth. Blah. And then we got in the line of doom. Dave hugged me because he could tell I was basically having a complete shit fit. And he could actually feel my heart pounding. Ahhh. So we got on. Sat down, strapped in, and entered panic mode. I really didn't know if I could do it. Dave held my hand while we were waiting for take off. We were waiting for way too long and I began to get really flustered. All of a sudden, Candle blurts out, "Yeah Toast!" followed by Opie screaming, "French Toast!" (inside joke, people). And I cracked up. Thank goodness for Candle the tension reliever. And then we were shot straight up into the sky at an absolutely sinful height. They spun us around on the way up, let us hang out and look at the entire park, and then let us dangle there. Jesus.Christ. Dave had attempted to hold my hand the entire way up, I however, decided that it was vital for me to instead clutch my harness for dear sweet life. Once at the top, Candle started freaking out saying "let me down, I don't want to do this anymore, holy shit, this is not fun, way too high, let me down." I, on the other hand, tried to block her out and just stared out as far as I could see -- which was approximately to Columbia or so, and I just held on as tight as I could. And then we plummeted at 9 million miles per hour. I squealed at first, but then the breath was taken from me so I was silent until we stopped moving. Then I screamed "OHMYGAAAAAAD!!" at the top of my lungs. Damn you Acrophobia and your 9 million mile an hour plummet of death.
Well then we all suddenly became fearless and decided to go tackle the Mind Bender and Batman again. On the way over, a crazy acorn fell out of a tree and smacked Dave. He was like, " Damnit, I just got nutted on," in this calm voice. Well I laughed my ass off all the way until we got to the next ride. That was damn funny. So yeah this Mind Bender ride doesn't have any shoulder harnesses; only a lap belt -- and you flip upside down. So you are not restrained at all, which allows for maximum arms-in-air movement. Yesss. Well, the first time we rode it, I sat on the outside... this time Dave did. And apparently there is some lunatic jerky turn twist thing that caused Dave to completely lose all control over himself, which in turn, sent him plowing into me, causing me to bend at an unnatural angle and flail about the cart. His arms forced my arms down and also his body forced my body half way over the edge. So then we both burst into laughter and couldn't sit up straight, so for a good 14 seconds I was in a near death position. You're lucky you're so cute...
Then we rode the Batman with too many G's again. Candle almost puked. I was still in stun-mode from Acrophobia, so I was unable to decide if I was puke-ish feeling at the time, too. We rode one more ride each -- Dave and I chose the Scorcher again; Opie and Candle rode the log flume and then we chose to quit with the maniac rollercoasters because it was a serious concern that we might in fact die if we went upside down one more time in one day.
We came back to Clemson but made a necesary stop at Denny's in Anderson, whereupon we consumed ridiculously large quantities of breakfast food. Ohmygah, apple pancakes have never tasted so good in my life. And they didn't cost $40 either... so that makes them even better. We had Lisa, the white trash mother of 7 who was angry at the world, as our waitress. She was amusing to say the least. And then we all came home, dilerious and happy from our wild day. And then we passed the fuck out. The End.
So thank you Dave, Candle and Opie for all the fun and all the G's. Yay for Six Flags. Love you people.

2 Response to "Too Many G's!"

  1. Derrick Says:

    I love that Mr. Six guy, the bald, dancing old man from the commercials, he crax my ass up!

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